I'm too much
think too much
feel too much
seen too much
there's too much
wrong
encased, lowered
sealed, oxygen-devoid
decomposing underground
dunno if I'll ever be
my oddnormal alive
again
last night I didn't eat enough
drank too much, but still
not enough
to numb this chasm
climbing on feet cracked
trying to ascend
my insides
last night I cried
in my brother's arms
shaking infantile
held close - yet
lonely still
the kind of lonely
that only sets in
after you forget
what it's like
to feel
when the trauma unit
becomes your domicile
for years on years on years
you can't even know
how ****** up you are
all comparisons lost
perpetually swept under
survival mode rug
he told me
I'm not ready
for anyone
proceeded to confess he's
writing a letter to the girl he
fell in love with ten years ago
to unburden his chest
attempt a closure
or maybe crack
back open
they had a thing
it was too much
unexpected
unerasable
haunting
love discovered
then abandoned
the day after she left
he hooked up
with his son's mother
for the first time
to escape the pain
entangling himself
in surface motions
for the better part
of a decade
too much
is there still
the connection
never severed
red strings
still tied
...
I want friendship, but maybe
that's asking too much
after making love
breaking apart, gluing back
only to shatter again
without even so much
as one pillowtalktouch
yet that, says something
so strange and rare
unto itself
...
but when your mouth shuts
my brain snorts questions marking
volatile heartstops and starts
I don't wanna be
writing a letter in 10
(or would it be 8 now?)
to shut thresheld door
never walked through
I want to know real hello
if only to get
real
goodbye
retire these lines
(hypothetically)
to open bare arms
without
fresh residue of you
emanating cold bone crush
without
searching for your diamond slivers
in another set of eyes
if I know one thing
for absolutelyfuckingsure it's:
these skeletons of truth
will keep on rattling
behind closed doors
even when we'd rather
our remains
be still
this was definitely too much...