No one there to listen,
No one there to care.
Infused with their own
Thoughts
wishes and
sorrows

Why be a burden?
When you have yourself,
Alone to deal with the over whelming thoughts
that fill and rot your mind
Slowly but surely
Driving you over the edge.

Why be a burden?
When you have yourself.
To fall apart in
When no ones there
Having to scream at yourself
For the faults you know aren't there
But you make them up
Either way, to have someone to blame
For the sadness turning to anger and building up inside you
Until there no choice but to explode

You make me lonely
When you stare at me with empty eyes
And recite the lines
I've heard you say over a million times
You're words have lost meaning
And I'm clutching at my heart
Hoping for you to see
You're slowly breaking me inside
I just wish you would love me
The way you would
When we were both happy
To be together

You’ve taught me that
Unconditional love is more of a curse
Than a blessing
Because every part of me screams
To never forgive you
But I’m still a girl who needs her dad
And my heart will always long for you
But I can’t help to think how
You caused us such agony
When you left a loving family
For someone you just met
& it makes my heart break
To think the love I have for you
Feels as if it’s overdue
Because if you loved me
as much as I loved you
Leaving us would never be an option
& I can’t Help but feel
As if it was a personal blow when
Said you didn't love us anymore
And you left without ever turning back
And  I saw no hesitation in your step
When you chose between us or them
But the worst of all was that
I not only lost my dad but
I lost my mother as well
Because I didn’t recognize her anymore
And I couldn’t bear to see
Her deteriorating
Always stuck in bed
Unable to get up
Or complete the simplest tasks
And I feel guilty
For hating her for it
For making me comfort her
When all I wanted to be
was held
And I won't ever forgive you  
For all you've put us through;
For filling me with hate
When I saw my mom in such a state
So bruised that she called a hotel her home
For a whole month in fear
Of being seen by her family
And once again I hated her
For leaving me behind
And for wanting to protect you
So no one will know
The person you’ve become
I’ve watched my little sister cry
And beg for her dad to come home
And it truly made me sick to know
Those begs feel on empty ears
Every time you came to visit
Yet you still had the audacity to say
You were sorry
And I watched you beg us on your knees for forgiveness
That day you swore to the moon and back
That you were finally coming home
Even that night you had me fooled as
We welcomed you back with open arms
And it was the first time in weeks
I felt as if we were complete
Only for you to turn around and leave
Before we had the chance to wake up
And tell you good morning
My sister cried so hard that day
Running through the house
Asking about your whereabouts
Little did we know it wasn’t the last time you would deceive us
Living with a secret lover and child
Unable to decide
Which of us you loved more
To betray the other for
But I knew we were longing for a dad
That we had already lost
So all those half assed sorrys
Will never be accepted
Because you only came back
When she left you
And I resent my mother for
Never being strong enough
To be the first to let go
 Because you made us go through ****
We never asked for
And begging for forgiveness in the middle of the night
Once you realized you were finally alone
Wouldn’t break me this time
But screaming and pounding on our windows
To let you in
Or you'll **** yourself
Only made it hurt more
And when my mom opened that door
To tell  you to leave
And stop causing a scene
All you could do was scream  
That you were going to commit suicide
At that moment
I didn't feel a thing
I saw you grab the gasoline
And chug it down
My mom shoving  her fingers down your throat
Screaming for help
And I just remember standing there
Not saying a word
I don't remember being sad
I can't imagine why

It feels as if you've taken my
Air as hostage
Keeping it from me
And hiding it somewhere secret

Im gasping for breath
And begging you
To let me Fill my lungs
with the  sweetness Of oxygen
That seems like a rare delicacy
When withheld from me
For so long

You've got me wishing
you would lean over
Place your lips on mine
And give me the breath of life

But in reality
All you're depriving me of
Is your love

I remember once
My cousin called me an inspiration
He cuts
Or used to at least...
He couldn't deal with the pain
Didn't know how i could handle all of mine
Truth is
I couldnt.

He said i was amazing
For going through everything i did
And how i didn't even break down
Become a cutter,
Suicidal

He said i was strong
For standing high
In the midst of things
And how they were all proud of me
And how he wished
He could be
A bit like me

I guess that
*******
Happiness
Facade
D id the trick,

Fooled everyone.

Not me.
                                                                      
Only I remember
The timeless hours spent
Crying in bed
Mad at the world
With the world mad
Right back at me
Wishing i was gone
Not knowing
What the ****
To do with my pity *** self

Guess i pulled through
Good enough to
Satisfy the rest

You mold me
As if you were my sculptor
You bend me at will
And shape me to perfection
Then realize
I am the wrong
Shape and size
That I don't seem
Just right
So I am thrown in
With the scraps
As you start anew
With your fresh set of clay
And your experienced hands
Working away on
Your new creation
Until I am forgotten
Like last weeks
Paper

I was told to write a poem.
I thought it was easy
Because to me poetry is feelings  
Coming from experiences familiar to you
Until i heard we had to read them aloud
I silently freak.
Panic at the mere thought of having a glimpse of the real me exposed.
The part of me vulnerable
The part of me no ones knows
Poetry is my refuge
My safe heaven
My thoughts that are often burdens
Lifted from my shoulders to be written away from my pen
Onto paper
Ive written poems about me
Poems about
Problems
Sadness
Love
And i really don't think i'm ready
To share all this just yet

So little time
For the hurt to heal
Its all to much
That I can not bear
Let it all end,
I beg now and then
Yet the suffering continues.

Look how far we've come along
When talking is substituted
With new found technology
When the animals who feed us
Are slaughtered inhumanly
For a cheap source of food
When the forest that host
The last animals alive
Are being cut down
When the oil that is made
Through thousands of years
Are ****** dry in a matter of days
When morals no longer come into play
And we turn on each other
For a couple of bills
When every one is judged
By the place they grew up
As if they had a choice
When moms and dad's
No longer have a living
Because they've been fired
And forced out of their homes
When we send out troops
And **** our men
So they can fight over
What's not even ours
When books are no longer read
And poems no longer recited
Because kids these days
Do not appreciate intelligence
When the city is so busy
Beauty is overlooked
And when smiles are no longer smiled
And laughs no longer laughed
Because kids are growing up to fast
Look how far we've come along

Driven by emotions
Stalled by fears
Drowning in troubles
Ending in Tears

We are so good together
So loving
So sweet
You've made me carefree
And happy to be me
Your whole demeener is so tantalizing
I can't help but just stare
Whenever we're together

We've gotten so close that
no one else means to me
As much as you do now
And I cant believe I'm saying this
But I've gotten sprung
And I've fallen in love
With a boy with cute eyes
Who never leaves
With out giving me a kiss
goodbye

You make me
look forward to every tomorrow
Knowing I'll get to be in your arms once more
You wash away all my sorrows
With just flashing a smile

I feel as if I could scream and shout
To the heavens above
To thank The Lord
For giving me someone to love

But when you turned around
And left today
All while slamming the door behind
I couldnt help but feel
That nothing was alright
And think
That all this was coming to an end
Because that smirk you gave me at the end?
Was filled with so much ridicule
It made me all at once forget
Your tender touch
And your lovin care

It made it seen as if you didn't care
So please, reassure me
Tell me once more that you love me
And that it'll be alright
Since  It was just a silly fight
Because honestly
the thought of you actually leaving
Is to much for my fragile heart
And I'm not to proud to say
That with out you
The stars no longer shine
And the birds no longer sing
Because a world with out you
Seems as unfamiliar
And as ugly
As torn up pages
From a book

I thought about it again tonight
The pills in my hand
So vivid
It almost seemed real.

The final decision to end it all
A mere pleasurable thought
Against the plagues of world that would soon be gone

My mother wailing
At the final sight of me
Wishing I was back
But knowing it was no use
For deep down inside
We all knew this was my intention.

Death suited me well,
an eerie smile etched across my pale face
With streaks of tears across my cheeks
in remembrance of the numb pain,
finally ended.

No longer I cared for those who I hurt
With the act of taking my own life
Because with my death
My sadness was now gone
As I finally realized
No one would care
Until my last breath
Would leave my tired lungs

Please don't force yourself
To talk to me
When you clearly do not want to
Silence would be better
Instead of hearing you
Make yourself speak to me
I'm not easily deceived
I can see
The way your words
Betray you
This conversation is to stressed

You feel like
Warm sweaters on a windy day
Like hot chocolate on snowy nights
Like sunshine on a picnic
Like blooming flowers in May
And like presents when I least except it

But you also feel like rainy days when I have plans
Like favorite shoes that no longer fit
Like messy hair on picture day
Like long and lonely summer nights
And like broken promise from the closest friends  

But honestly through every way you feel
I'll always want you hanging around
Because I just can't let go
Of the one I know I love

You hurt me
When you stare
Blankly
Back at me
Devoid of emotion
Pretending I'm not there
Because
And all I want
Is for you to tell me
What's wrong
So I could fix
The broken
And be looked at
As if I'm loved
Once again

My heart strings
Are in tune
With the rymthic melody
Of your talk
That even if I don't want
To think of you
My heart still beats
Coexistly to you

Blink fast
Blink fast
Blink fast
Don't cry.
Look straight ahead
Pretend you don't notice
The trembling of your hands
And the clog in your throat
While the pressure
Inside your chest
Rises
With every single breath
As you try to gulp for air.

Why'd you have to bring up your dad?
****.
Your quiet.
Thinking,
Eyes slowly watering
She notices.
Scrible scrible*

There goes my progress
I give up
Let the tears roll in
And the words
tumble from my mouth
Clumsily
Wanting to get
Everything of my chest
For the first
And last time

I do nothing but think
of all the things I might tell you
once we meet.

I envision conversations
where we share our past,
Because i have no one else to share it with.

I would notice the way you would
Not look at me differently
Even after you knew
What it was like to be me.

I imagine speaking softly
Embarrassed of my tears
Happily having you there,
Listening.

I would like the way
I knew you didn't feel sorry for me
But the way it felt
As if you knew my pain.

I don't want you to cry with me,
I just want you to wipe away the tears.
To leave me bare and empty
Until all i need to say is said
And the tears needed to be shed are shed.

But yet..
it never happens.

I stumble over my words in a fury
As you talk and talk
And it kills me
Knowing thew way you
Can speak with ease.
Talking about everything
You've been through and overcome.

All i manage is a nod of my head.
I can't even say anything reassuring
Or speak of my own.
I don't know how to start
or what to say.
I don't want to cry
Or want you to be sad.
I feel stupid and embarrassed and nothing is right.

The idiot fantasy in my head
was all wrong.
I was all wrong.
Of course i couldn't do it.
It happens every day.
I sit there and nod, you talk, i think.
Think of what i can say and then how you'll react.
I change my mind.
Then I think some more.

I find myself in a familiar place,
A place where I'm left to dealt with myself
And it scares me.
I scare me.
My never ending thoughts that race a hundred miles per hour,
Seemingly never giving me a break
From the exhaustion of having to think
Of all the troubles i'm handed
A burden that surrounds me
Follows me every where i turn
Until they all face me
And im cornered with all the problems
Needing to be fixed
Some belonging to others
But more often mine. 
As if life wasn't hard enough,
My brain rams it all back to me
In a cruel summary of the horrid reality i wish to escape.
But worst are the memories
Not the the ones that still haunt me to this day
But the few i recall of times that were once happy
Because with my current situation
It saddens me to think
I will never be as happy again.

Being alone is never hard
But rarely easy.
Suffocating
In the silence of the world around you
that exists inside the walls you built
So strong, not even you can break them
Even if you tried

Trying to find a way
To talk to people you know wont listen
Because of the world you built so secluded
and the lonesome you created
In neglecting others when they were actually there

Ive realized it time to stop the blame
And turn it on myself
Because it is i who made this whole mess
That eventually backfired
always having  finding excuses to be alone
Thinking i had no one
And knowing i needed no one
But my self

I was wrong.