I sit here and write lines
helplessly helping words fall into place
sweating over the definition of my verse
maybe if I use big words she'll love me
maybe if I exercised the thought of apodyopsis she'll want to **** me
what is it that makes her drool
what is it that makes her bite her lip
I sit here and stare at the empty page
as curiosity punches me in the face
my eraser falls thin
the point of my pencil becomes a rounded wall
blocking me from lyrically crushing her current emotion
with my emotional baggage and excuses for questions of nonsense
she loves it either way
but I want to see her shirt drop and her pants fall to the floor
I want to see her underwear tangle around her toes and bra hanging by a thread
I want her to tackle me onto the bed
and grasp my body
as I capture what the **** to say or do
I'd be a clueless and moronic
human corpse, a space cadet
trying to make a moment I wouldnt forget
but my memory is a near epiphany
then I realized I'm my own histamine
falling terminally ill to my own curiosity
as I sit here and ponder possible ways to make her scream and scratch
claw and moan
fall into an intoxicated mindset
lost in the sensation, high from the ******* abstinence
I became sidetracked from my intention
perfectly plotting the lyrics to this poetic excuse for mental state of ****** cravings
was all I had to do, instead she was the only thing I wanted to do
I refused to control my emotions and spited  myself for my temptations
my punishment was to complete this poem
in the most utterly honest way
to indulge in the realism of foreshadowing
to amuse the literal stints line after line
and once I'm done, crumple up the paper
break my pencil and dispose of my imaginative discretion  
and once my page turns to black ash from the light of the fire
I will begin again
until she stands unclothed beyond me
until she forfeits to my literal ultimatum

intoxicated off my imagination
my intellect toward diction
my ability to turn reality to fiction
figuratively it's unrealistic
it just falls in my head
without a thought of preparation
the first word that comes to mind
is a word that I ultimately can't define
but it fits
like a missing puzzle piece
the definition paints the picture
the word is exactly what I was looking for
and I didn't even know it
it fell onto my paper from the everlasting skies of my mind
I'm high of my own literacy
and drunk off the feeling of completion
I've grown to love what it does to people
the way it makes you feel and think
the way I make you stare lost at a screen of hundreds of words and poor grammar
I'll make you ask yourself
"where does he come up with this ****"
you'll be amazed by the depth in the abyss of my diction
you'll be amazed by the Himalayas peak in my imagination
I cause cognitive discomfort
and mental discretion
I hope you pull your hair and bite your lip
cause you'll love me more afterward
until you realize
there's a small selected group
chosen to read my words
sometimes one, sometimes five, sometimes none?
you'll never know
why would I tell you?
the hesitation to know compels you
you'd torture yourself to know
if you're the only one
passed the point of mental erosion
I'll enforce a frontal lobe explosion
each word is it's own explosive
unique to you,
because you explode at a certain line, verse or word
which one is it
collapse at my feet
fall apart from the weakness of your knees
fail to be at ease
surrender your pathetic excuse for self control
to my literal poetic friction
until you witness the new human extinction

I'm lost, I'm nothing, my words mean nothing
to this race of humans
which ego has capsized this planet
the imagination of losing a family member
is beyond horrifying
yet we pillage and terrorize our own world
shrugging off the destruction it causes
and the pain it inflects on those family members
our loved ones fall to their knees
break their backs
shatter their self-interests
and unworthiness is the ultimatum
but we would rather use plastic than paper
because it's cheaper
we will underpay and undervalue
our brothers and sisters
to better ourselves with an increased pay cheque
we are perhaps the most selfish
yet entirely aware
the most intelligent to accompany a shared space
unaware to our animal fathers which prospered our kind
uncaring to the animal kingdom
and especially our own kingdom
the only person we are concerned about
is the king
ourselves, we will survive with more money and ownership than the next man
and ideally that would lead to happiness, success and fulfillment
we accept and do not argue societal norm
we aim for this type of success
to be glorified by our friends
rather than be happy with ourselves
we are pathetic follow ups
an excuse for consumption
I'd love to claim we were an experimental group
just to have one excuse for our idiotic actions
but we're too stupid to even notice the binds we've tied around ourselves
were one of the most intelligent species
and we degrade and mortify our extremities to be a member of society
imagine, how intelligent we would truly be
as a united force of 7 billion unique and distinct minds
working together to uncover the worlds hidden mysteries
and extending human life forms beyond our pathetic acceptance of human knowledge
we would be idolized
instead of carrying a devilish ambiance on our world
conquered and destroyed by a race with so much potential
and instead of flourishing our only green earth
we've created the foreshadowing of a planet of dust and death
no trace of historic resemblance
so the money you made today at the cost of another's well being will be worthless
just like the race that lives by this unwritten law of "happiness"

it's manifested
you're lucky to stand before me
you're lucky you adore me
it's strikes my interest
you're nothing by amusement
aroused by whatever you have to offer
confined by your insecurities
I bet they eat at you when you're alone
I bet you pull your hair and claw at your cheeks
I but you stumble and leave streaks
hoping I'd stumble over them
and strike a conversation
because you lack the motivation to speak up
you convince yourself I want you
when really I need something to occupy my empty time
my time between meals, my time between classes
you arouse my empty space
don't feel I crave you, don't feel I need you
my independence exceeds whatever you can do
twirl you hair and ramble about your night
hitting a blank page
best part is I remain a blank page
lack the care to intake
makes me laugh cause there's nothing at stake
you're a fragment of boredom
I'll give you a second to ponder that
take the day actually
I could use a day off
you're all the same
he's to blame
he's so clingy
he loves me
he's this and he's that
man she's whack
man she won't shut up
man she's so hot
but so is Rita
So is Tina
nothing changes
flipping through a catalogue of ******* and slight capabilities
something to catch my eye
something to **** the previous one
I'd give you a name but something is better than nothing

why do we punish ourselves
why do we hurt and amputate our needs
as your trained to follow and obey
you lose your distinctive features
that thing that makes you entirely different compared to the next person
something so valuable and intangible
something that makes your hair fall different
helplessly act for your brain
something that makes you ultimately different from the next person
the sound of your voice and direction of thought
your humor and witty attitude
your sarcasm and vulnerability to certain words
your fear of the dark or something weird like open windows
you're uniquely weird and entirely adequate
you have the potential to be among near perfection
yet we collapse to the stranglehold of society's expectations
now I hate motivational diction or corny poetic reliefs
but,
if you want to listen to music really loud do it
if you want to drive for no apparent reason, do it
if you want to fall in love way to early, do it
if you want to escape that some love that happened to early
well you know what I'm getting at
this will help ease your mind
you will originate your perception to your irreplaceable person
instead of becoming the identical to your neighbor
be you, be real, don't be shy to the unwritten code of society
enforce yourself to experience happiness on the most maximum scale
experience that euphoric high every day
if you want to get drunk off the sound of Vance Joys voice, be my guest
No one controls you
You are you
and the worst thing you can do
is shut down a persons distinction
because they are not you
because they do not agree with you
just because they don't where the same clothes as you, does not make them an invaluable member of society
to be distinct makes our world diverse
and currently the only diversification about us is the the human life form
we are born universally unique
we are, to our knowledge, living on the only planet which can sustain life
so why the **** would you want to be like anyone else
be kind, be lovingly foul, be intellectually indestructible
don't forget your value
flaunt it like that stuck up female who thinks she deserves the perfect man cause she's beautiful
or that ***** of a man who happens to have blue eyes and gets whatever he wants
go to sleep happy with your power
abide by your own rules without enforcing pity on others
respect your brothers and sisters
for being uniquely valuable
because they're thinking something you're not capable of
as you have the exact same talent
be different
dont collapse to the demands of a society which obliged itself to follow
lead your own way

she said sit down
I'm going to teach you something
I want you to listen closely
and react impulsively
I'm going to teach you to destroy a woman
I placed my drink on the table
among the booth too big for two people
I found it so odd
she was clearly attracted to me
but I found something behind
the most obvious undertow of ****** attraction
why would she want to teach me to destroy a woman
when she could not second guess that I only wanted her
I let go of my whiskey
intertwined my hands as I brought my entire attention to her mislead flirtatious lesson
I stared right into her eyes
but not fiercely or intensely
like a cliche Twilight type of character would
I locked my attention solely on her
I had to nearly remind myself to listen
first; listen to her, every word she uses
every social cue she speaks
every corny line and aspect ofdiverse diction
then find a way to say it back
find a way to remind her that you could not care about anything else like the pathetic men or ****** women wandering
second; find out what she wants
and make demands upon these obsessions
respectfully of course
if her favorite drink is an apple martini,
make sure she has one with you
third; be funny
there's nothing worse than a guy without humor
crack a joke about a dinosaur for all she could care, she'll laugh, corny or hysterical
I wrapped my hand around my whiskey
while holding my most attention I took a sip
I was sure I was becoming drunk
and that made me adore her more and more with each splash that fell down my throat
fourth; have something to offer
have potential
have something more than your ability to dress well
have a good, sustainable job
something you care about, something you want
five; be you
don't be reliant on her at all times
she needs independence as much as you
when you're saying you need a night with the guys
she probably needs a night with the girls
care for her but don't get attached to her
when you want to say something
even though it could change the outcome of a conversation
do it,
she'll expect you to alter her future
and rattle her expectations
even though she has no idea how she wants it to be done
six; rock her world
prepare yourself like a pre game warm up
like the SATs or the BAR exam
your ability to hold that conversation will lock her down faster than you can say "mine"
seven; stay committed
if you want to utterly destroy her
be ready
you know she'll want to come home with you
and have intense, romantic and physical ***
be ready to meet her needs
don't let her find one flaw in your night
she grabbed her glass took a small sip
blinked once, breathed deep and placed her glass down
holding her absolute perfection
when I say perfect I mean so so perfect
more than the proclaimed Jesus Christ
she was perfect
now go wander the room and find a woman
she stood up from her seat and walked to the bar
I stood still watching her leave
then turned my head in every direction
circling the bar like a foolish drunk
I wandered past every poor excuse of a woman
finding that every girl could not meet my slightest of demands
until I found myself at the bar
searching the bar for one woman worth destroying
one woman worth pillaging or washing away like a relentless storm
until I turned to my direction in her classy and **** perfection
I walked up from behind her and said
an apple martini and a whiskey please
how'd your night go she asked
accompanied by a sigh I told her that I  could not care about any of those pathetic men or ****** women wandering the bar
she smiled, and why not she asked so daringly
because I want to be accompanied by beauty and intellect
not emptiness people with no potential
so what do you have to offer then? she asked me
well I'm 2 weeks from writing my BAR exam
but up until 10 minutes ago,
I've never studied something so hard in my life
she smiled again, and why do you want to be a lawyer?
a good Christmas bonus I answered
she laughed while grabbing her drink
and what do you do I asked?
I am a legislative attendant
I accompany all of our lovely law makers
She said sarcastically
I place my hand on the back of her chair and said; well luckily I shut them all down
she laughed again and suggested we open a law firm together
to inflict similar damage on legislative members
and I told her I would struggle to work everyday
as I would be entirely locked on her
beauty, intellect, smile, squinting brown eyes, humor, perception, indecisions, independence and for knowing exactly what she wants and I am falling in love with it quicker than my last 6 straight whiskeys have made me drunk
although I could have just laughed and told her Id love that
I wouldn't have altered her expectations or rattle her expectations
I wanted to rock her world
and I did,
she grabbed me by the neck and kissed me
her lips were perfect,
she did not have one flaw
let's get out of here
we stood from our bar stools and stumbled out
and I shouldn't have to tell you she was about to have the best *** of her life
and fall in love with a man that loved her more than he did his whiskey

Infatuated by the feel
Could it be real
Doubting myself
My own disbelief
Accompanied my interest
Upon that which drained me
My muscles tore
As I pondered the possibilities
Positive or negative impacts
Lingered inside my skull
Like a bad dream
I couldn’t see what was in front of me
I’d come home and think about the feel
The way it made my hair stand up
Or my stomach wring out
I’d call in sick
I’d sit around with this imaginative being
Who could believe me
It was beautiful
Like no other
I starred helplessly
It had compelled me
To focus
Hypnotized by its ability to synthesize
I was mesmerized by more than a set of eyes
My life changed
To something I’m happy I became
My neck was finally able to lift my head
My chest was finally able to inflate
My shoulders felt weight
I felt pressure
To be absolutely perfect
In hopes to be able to conquer all that I pondered
How do I succeed?
I wanted more of this new me
How could I raise more?
I wanted to be known
I wanted to be loved
I stared in the mirror look for inadequacies
I shined my shoes and slicked back my hair
My tie was real tight and my pants real high
I loved myself
The way I looked
The way I felt
My confidence
Why wouldn’t anyone else?
Until it disappeared
I began to notice my lack of acknowledgement
I fell in love with myself
More than that which showed me love
I didn’t recognize, appreciate or praise its beauty or intelligence
It’s ability to make me better
I was so in love with the man I was becoming
That it started wrong from the beginning
So wrong that I failed to call her by her name
Instead of “it”
I wanted to become better more than I wanted her
She was therapeutic to my lifestyle
Yet she fixed everything but the ultimatum
The one who controls the lifestyle
My appreciation was inexistent
As my search for a new personality enriched
I couldn’t even call her “she”
I couldn’t even remember her name
After months I would have heard it a million times
But now It’s all I want to know
I can remain without the love again
But her name would give me that sense of hope
Belief and direction
Until I found a letter written in my name
I pealed back the envelop and unfolded the coffee stained paper
Hope eroded my body
I wanted to know
I was nervous and obsessed with the unknown
The letter read to me:
“You were inexistent in my life and obsessed with your own.

Goodbye,

Anonymous.”
She didn’t even add her name
She knew I that I never knew
She knew I never paid attention
So much that she felt I was unworthy of knowing it
My head fell from my neck
My chest deflated
My shoulders could not bare the weight
I no longer felt how she made me feel
I was inadequate to myself
I was my own worst nightmare
And although I now lived alone
I slept with the devil every night