Pay attention!
rap rap
said the big fat bus,
with the big fat bootay.

i say
i have something
to say
to you!

a wee bit of advice to you
you so sweet
young lasses
out and about
on hot summer nights
in camaros
and vans
and pintos
and mustangs.
and mom's
station wagon's.



# 1
when that eager
young lad's hands
are a crawlin' all over
you.

yes YOU missy,
your sweet nubile
young territory,

the time will come
when you shall
want all these
shennanigans to
STOP!

so i give to thee
some wee
words of advice.

#2
Be firm with your delivery.
Do not waver.
Strong even voice,
increase volume if
necessary.

to the
Kind sir,
the,
young lad..

say!

i do not beg you,
i command thee ...
be sure to understand!
keep those roving
hands to thyself.

for you can
rest assured,

this playground is closed!

this is a no nookey zone!

#3
blue *****,
you claim,
they are a ailing you?

for you i give
this sound advice,

say!
introduce yourself
to your right hand,

and ifn' you be a wantin'
a menage eh of three,

invite
your,
left hand
to
come along!

#4
Be firm and be sure,
you are sitting on
a sacred fortune of gold,
don't let them
miners be gropin'
around,
be a gropin'
you.

it is only for you
to sacredly unfold
your divine
femininin-ess.

if you want to do it,
do it...
but search your heart long before you do.  
at least think you are in love
before taking the plunge.

first loves are sweet
and last long
in hidden recesses of
mysterious minds.

take your time,
30 and more,
is the age
we big fat busses
with big fat yellow bootays
come into our own.

no rush.
nowhere to go.
all the time in the world to get there.
there is,
i assure you,
no rush.

meanwhile,

the Big Fat Yellow Bootay
was getting right tired of
waiting for the election to end.

so,

she set off down the highway
going ninety five...

"HOKEEEY POKEEEY!" she cried
as she gunned the engine and
threw herself in gear.

"HOKEEEY POKEEEY!  MOTHER *******!"
twice she cried,
"HOKEEEY POKEEEY!  MOTHER *******!"
this second time
for extra good luck
with the unfolding election.

cool Fall breeze caressed
her yellow metal,
her big fat yellow bootay,
a glorious day to
be out on a drive!

well, except where she had
come from.

beep beep
beep beep
always driving her
beep beep beeping insane!

it shore nuf was quiet
out this way!

she turned the shiny
silver dial to turn on the
radio.
'gonna have to get me
some better speakers
one day soon.' she thought
to her big fat bus self.

and what came out blasting?

"That's Alright Mama,"
by who else?
but the King!
Elvis!

Elvis has left the building
and now,
Elvis is ON THE BUS!

she didn't quite know all
of the words,
but what the ****,
she sure could sing!

As the big fat bus
with the big fat bootay
was driving along,
singing joyfully,
she glanced in the rear
view mirrow and what
did she see?

why the ghost of Elvis himself
was sitting right there
right in the back of the bus.

He starts strumming on his
own guitar and singing,
'that's alright mama.."

so she turned off the
radio to listen
to the ghost of
the King,
Elvis,
himself,
singing in the back
of her big fat yellow bootay!

she also watched him eating
a lot of food
in the back of the bus,
her bus.

his ghostly figure
seemed to
fluctuate between fat Elvis,
and skinny Elvis,
like a seesaw.

by and by
says he,

(not the really fat one
but not the really skinny one
neither.)

'I need a pit stop.'
says the King

so the big fat bus,
with the big fat yellow bootay,
asks,
asks she,
'you wanna stop at the next
stop & go,
or
the next
fizz & wizz,
or
my fav if you really
need a constitutional,
the stop & plop?'

at this particular junction in time
this ghostly King,
was in the shape
of Fat Elvis
but very cooly outfitted,
bellbottoms and rhine stones
or were those all diamonds?

note to self,
the big fat bus
squirreled away,
check on that.
are those real or not?
more mulha is always
good
and this just might
be mana from heaven
in the form of Elvis the KING
himself
and maybe just one
of those diamonds
will fall out and
get lost in me.'

mighty strange happenings
going on around here in this
big fat bus
with the big fat yellow bootay.

' the stop and plop little mama,' elvis replied
with that
ohhhh,
soooooo,
divine Elvis drawl
and that darling little
thing he did with his mouth,
but was doing now
as he was sitting there in the
back of HER big fat bus
with HER big fat yellow bootay!

OH MY,
it really is a
HOKEY POKEY day!  she sighed.....

hey you!
yeah you!

i say,

i want to create
a collection
called '******* gems'
because of this poem.  

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1400754/sick/

i LOVE that phrase!

so i say,
or said to me,

i shall ask your advice.
kind reader,
will that offend?

... i'm thinking it will,
... so i best not.  
what do YOU think kind reader?
should i?
should i not?  

i guess the requirement
to join the club would be
that the piece must contain
at least
one time,
my favorite
******* word.

so i say!
what do
YOU
say?

OH and just thought
it must be nice
or funny
or nice & funny!

oh and
or
romantic...

no icky works
will be accepted.

read the gem
from which
the collection wishes
to spring.

eagerly awaiting your
replies,
your friend,
i hope,
the big fat bus
with the Big Fat Yellow Bootay.

(oooo... should i edit that to read
with my favorite word in between
Fat & Yellow?)

i bid you adieu,
sweet quiet morning to you,
kind reader...

...have adventures ahead
between now
and next time we meet.

that puppyhead needs her a walkin...
and you are seeing what treasures those net
each morning.

someone somewhere must
brush teeth,
scrape tongue

... ah ****,* i best make this a morning piece
and you kin read it thar,
so here it is.

* and NO, that was not written to mean
and poo!
as part of the morning constitutional.
it was an exclamation...
explaining is exhausting...

meanwhile,
back at the ranch,
.....or hacienda or suburban condo,

the young suburban ma'am
was weeping, 'n cryingn  'n sobbing,
having thrown herself down on her
soft, velvet covered chaise lounge.

"where are you Manly Cowboy?"
she wept
"wherefore did thou go?"
"whyfore have you doth forsaken me so?"
"in my hour of need?"

Boo hoo hoo hoo

the wailing was reaching a rather
intense volume,
so much so,
that,
soon,

there was a knock at the door.

wiping her tears from her
bright red swollen eyes and cheeks,
with her delicately embroidered
handkerchief,
her long white gosling robed gown
trailing her as,
she went to the door.

opening it,
what did she see?

but standing there,
there stood,
the,
most,
handsome, tall,
muscular man
of a manly plumber
she had ever seen.

said he,
"i couldn't but help to be
overhearing
your pitiful wails.

and i thought you might
need some help.

anything i can do to
assist you ma'am?"

WELL...
thought she,
this is the best iimprovement
in many a long day,
since the Manly Cowboy
had gone away.

"yes, you can" replied she
"would you like to come in
and take a cup of tea
with me?"

......not so fast,  
we're not done
with this one.

"certainly, i would" replied he,
"and, well, ma'am, if it isn't any
trouble for you,
i'd really prefer something
a little stronger,
per chance, do you have
any beer?"

"why yes i do." says she

"cold?" asks he

"as a snowball in hell." she replied

the manly plumber strode in,
his tools jangling about
his firm hips and strong legs.

excusing herself,
she went to the kitchen and
opened up two beers.

pouring one in a tall glass,
over ice,
she poured an eighth of the other
into another
and finished filling it up
by adding warm water
from the tap.

she did this to prevent herself
from getting too tipsy
as she was dehydrated from
all of her crying.

out she walked,
two tall glasses
in hand,
she handed one to him
and looked over the other.

the first shy smile
her sweet face
had seen in a while,
began creeping up.

since,

now? who had gone???

the manly cowboy
lying on his back
of some foriegn land,
looked up and
saw a star twinkling
high in the sky,
and he smiled.