i tried my best,
or at least i thought i had.
with tactless fingers, i grasped the bricks
and jammed them
together.
days oozed into nights
five days, four nights.
it was awkward, imperfect but it would do.
but someone tore it down
he appeared from nowhere, with a hammer
as large as a lion. the bricks feel in one
clumsy sweep.
i tried again.
but this time with bricks and barbwire.
i placed the barbwire on top of the bricks,
in front of the bricks, under the bricks.
slicing my skin open once or twice.
my blood marking the territory,
i grinned in satisfaction
until another destroyer emerged
he knocked and banged. he hit and yelled.
so close. so close.
but not quite.
cracks in the bricks, the barbwire tore here and there.
more, i thought. more. more.
so then came the sheets of metal.
my muscles sung as i lodged the walls into the dirt.
i bathed in sweat but
i couldn't stop until i was done.
the walls secure, the bricks more or less together.
the barb wire sharp and deadly.
i stayed in my little house. my little cave. my little sanctuary.
with too many books and cat hairs
and i was content.
except for the hole clearly visible on my chest.
each day it widened.
i threw baggy clothes, blankets. it grew and grew.
you came along suddenly
you knocked politely at the front gate.
you whispered pleasantries and
begged to kiss my eyelashes.
i refused. i yelled. i shook my head until i rattled.
you persisted. you wanted my fingers, my insecurities,
you wanted it all, placed in a pile beside you.
crumble. one piece of the wall broke.
crumble. another.
crumble. and another.
and before i knew it your hands grasped my wrist.
before the tears escaped, you licked them up.
before i could speak, your tongue muffled any sound.
oh, the hole.
it closed, and closed and closed

"stop acting so brave," you whispered to my chest.
no walls. no walls.
but always tools nearby. just in case.
just in case.

hush, hush,
keep your rumbling down. let us not wake him!
he has no idea of this.
oh, this started so long ago, i cannot even remember
the first time i touched your heat,
tasted your iniquitous liquid.
i kept coming back, for one more sip, one more
sniff of your lip-smacking aroma.
oh, how my glands moisten at the mere thought of you!
how my nerves tremble without you.
so, shhh, shhh,
my joe, my java, my jesus.
keep your whistling down, my lover sleeps.
but tonight, we’ll share
another taste in my favorite mug,
we’ll swim in your bitter ocean

Dear Love,

Yes, here I am again
Knocking on your door
I know I should have learned
The last time
But I thought this was different
I met him over the summer
Didn't think much of it
Didn't know I was going
To fall so fast...
Into you
His smile captured me
His eyes made me feel alive again
He made me think about you
When I thought I had given up
He made me believe there was a chance
Of falling under your spell again
Oh, god, I know I need to stop
But you keep pulling me back
Over and over again
And every time I think I have you
You're gone, slipped away
You tricked me again
I thought maybe...
He would change my luck with you

Do you enjoy my suffering?
What am I supposed to learn from this?
I need you so badly
Without you, I feel empty
What's wrong with a warm touch?
A gentle kiss?
Sweet words whispered?

Can I hold you
Just for a brief moment?
So I can know what it truly feels like
Let me taste it,
Even for only a second
I want to remember the flavor
And once again
You'll slip through my fingers
And find your way out of my heart

Were we never meant to be?

we always believe forever. the concept of
your fingers in my spine.
kneading until our bones turn to ash.
there were too many sings. neon.
flashing.
warning.
warning.
warning.
it was a pile up i could never have
prevented.
your lips moved like ribbons upon gifts,
smooth, flowing, not once did your lips
crack.
but your actions moved like snow melting,
i never knew when it began and when it
finished.
when it all is over, i hope the grass will be green.
i hope it won’t be like the color of your eyes, though.
with your mother in New Mexico, you would
speak for me. tell her what i wanted,
closing my throat with your straight forward
cowardice.
with my friends in bars, you would slink behind
my already torn open lungs, refusing to
participate outside your comfort
zone.

i used to believe i couldn’t live without you.
but i can live without anyone, if i try hard enough.

you would think of me in brief sentences, i always
thought of you in papers with too lengthy of conclusions.
remember how we would argue about
who loved each other more?

we both know who the winner is.
your brain was my recluse, but your heart
was just a balloon.

i never figured how to blow it
back up.

i can taste me as your tongue slips between my teeth.
nibbling on my ribs,
(i think i see the gates)


other men could never stay for very long,
a few licks and they would look up, questioning,
tired.
you stay until i scream,
thrashing, waiting for the demon to finally
be exorcised.

eyes rolling, legs jello,
you do not ask if i have had enough,
and dive back in,

biting my tongue until i taste blood,
screaming until i envelop you.

you make me

so unbelievably happy.

you make me

so unbelievably sad.

and i wish i could understand

how one person

can lift me to the stars

and then

hurl me to the darkest part

of the ocean.

trail my fingers along my thighs.
nothing like the graze of your
honeyed tongue.
dig my nails into my skin.
doesn't compare to your fervent teeth
on my collarbone.
whisper your name into the dark.
if only your storm sea eyes
could look at me.
and dazzle me.
and drown me.
and devour.
devour.
me.

i wanted to dissolve with you.
through the blankets. the sheets.
the mattress. the floor boards.
the ground.

until we were at the center of the universe

distance,
you make the miles between us appear
like a never ending desert
distance,
you make me forget the shape of his
lips
distance,
you make time freeze
distance,
you put pressure on the cracks
distance,
you kick me when i'm down
distance,
why can't i remember how his tongue
tasted?
distance,
you're not even that long, yet it's as if
i'm in another country
distance,
why must i sleep alone every night?
distance,
when can i have him again?

you are a dog with its tail tucked under
the belly. with no sound left
for bark.
i saw this coming weeks ago
i smelled your rotten stench
your poison
was hard to miss.
crawling, with nothing left but
your tears. how dumb am i?
no. no. not anymore.
the glint in your doe eyes
your teeth with a hint of daggers
the crack in your mask is so
apparent now.
while taking you in my arms
you would have bashed my head in
until my mind was blank again.
instead, i will turn
for there is nothing i want to give
instead, i will watch you suffer
and laugh until all sanity has escaped
instead, i will pour the guilt down
your throat.

you will choke.

all my tears this weekend were spilled
over you.
friday. you. saturday. you. sunday. you.
for that time, a fire ignited inside of
me.
oh, it was so short though.
for soon i was numb
the tears made streaks upon my *****
face. and i was numb.
numb to you. numb to the pain.
numb to the world.
i wanted you out
i wanted you in
i wanted to scream
i wanted to sleep
but, ****.
i saw you.
and my insides crumbled.
the angry words vanished like
dandelion wishes.
once clenched fists turned into
itching fingers.
when i kissed you, it was as if i had been dehydrated
and you were my delicious glorious water.
i brushed your cheek, wishing my fingerprints
were visible.
your scent made me tingle
from the inside out.
my tears were no more.
i couldn't even remember anything.
you looked at me.
that's all it took.

i sighed and grasped your hand
and as you pressed your lips
to my palm
i knew i was doomed

let’s pretend that my flaws are my
best qualities.
that you’re dependable, and your
shoulders will not shake.
let’s pretend i didn’t swallow his
nectar.
let’s pretend the marks upon my scruff
originated from my
callused fingers.
let’s pretend i can only ***
with
you.
that your spit wasn’t scratched upon
her pale fat thighs for almost 2
years.
let’s pretend that my lungs are steel,
and my ribs are made of
diamonds.

so if you wanna kiss me tonight,
kiss me hard so i can taste your
mistakes,
with a touch of plasma.
choke me until i’m on my knees,
confessing my sins.
hot like peppers.
cold like the snow we fell in.

we can never return
to that
night.

my dream last night painted a clear picture

i was sitting in the theatre, next to
a friend. i was excited, because
my friends were on stage, performing
and you were there.

behind me.

i felt your eyes bore into me
searching every strand of hair
and lurking behind every patch of
skin.

annoyance filled my veins
and then your hands were on me
roaming my back
your breath heavy in my ear

my eyes closed. it felt so good
yet, my skin was crawling.
your thumbs kneaded into my skin
and your fingers traced every muscle

i was sweating.

wondering if this would end

you tugged my hair, twirling
strands




and then i left.
i didn't look at you. i couldn't.
i ran. out of the theatre.
out of the building.
i ran until i collapsed.


i ran until i forgot

touches ungainly in the darkness.
breathes entangled in each other's throats.
hands. roaming. traveling. drifting.
the familiarity of your muscles.
tongue. tasting. consuming. savoring.
the orbit of your back.
fingers. soaking. engrossing. immersing.
the blueprint of your slumber.
your slumber. my slumber.
your face nuzzled in my bird nest.
my arm wrapped like a boa constrictor.
your calf easing my calf.
your early rise. my grogginess.
your gentle smile. your hungry kiss.
drift. drift.
back into the wondrous state.
a world where we both reside.
darling, to sleep by your side
every night of every day
of every month of every year.
i dream. i dream.

before i fall asleep...especially then.
my mind roams and roams,
but always back. back. to you.
i feel the fire in my throat, the ashes in my belly.
all i want to do is scream.
i thought you were real, i wish you weren't.
it wouldn't hurt so much, if you were just a fragment
of the imagination.
but unfortunately, your kisses did burn. your tongue
was the sweetest. your ***** were my monsters,
eating every part of me.
your eyes drove me insane.
all i can see is a storm.
all i can see is a sea.
all i can see is a explosion.
and there's always the two of us.
i am drowning, drowning, drowning.
and you are above the water,
smiling. smiling. smiling. at me.
the water enters my lungs. unconsciousness swells into me.
you smile. my fingertips graze the air.
i feel the sun. you place your hand upon my hair.
you kiss it. and drag me.
down. down. down.
i will never feel the sun again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. Except it’s effortless, with no sound. But I still feel the water enter my lungs; I still feel the weight pull me down,
down,
down, until I have no strength. I see the world around me, but it’s all blurry, and the water stings my eyes.
I feel tears.
I want to cry. I want to express these bundled up emotions, but I can’t.
Because this water suffocates me, wraps me in its arms and sings a lullaby I cannot resist.
So I merely stare at people, hoping, wishing they will see the silent tears, the pain that has no voice.
But I fall further into the water. I never find the bottom.
I keep falling.

i think just recently, i have embraced
mysexualitymyconfidencemylooks
me.
according to men, my *** is the right size,
some want to dive into my eyes and drizzle honey
on my cinnamon toasted pores.
(i am more than these hips, this hair that sometimes wants to
curl like a lion’s mane)

but some (most, you) want to paint pictures and
flick sweeten vowels thinking all i am
is how wet my flowers can
become. how tight my skirt can be
before someone sees the muscular thigh and then blame me.
me.

because, let’s be honest, it’s always her fault

isn’t it?

for once i want a man to not be an animal,
be proud of intelligence and the ability to read until sun kisses their
tired fingers.
i want a man to be able to cry at the sheer beauty of music and art.

i want us, women, human beings, to be able to stand up,
wear whatever the **** we want, and scream.

the emptiness comes again. from nowhere.
from everywhere. it is there, in the broad
daylight. it is there, lurking in the shadows.
it follows me.
most of the time, the emptiness is full.
like a meal, stuffing to the brim.
a glass with overflowing water.
most of the time, things are fine.
then, there is hunger. the glass
shatters on the floor and i am
devoured.
the pain from inside ebbs
away. and every time it visits, it
takes one little piece away.
a memory, a feeling, a dream.
but then the fullness returns.
the happiness. the content.
i see it though
for it is always there. waiting
for me. until i am weak
until all my energy is gone.
it rests on my shoulder, asking
me questions i will never
answer

it haunts me

i have given everything.
the veins of my heart, perfectly lined beneath you.
my insecurities full in a box of metal.
the patchy scars presented as paintings, artifacts.
my quirkiness, scribbled and doodled on many pages.
my love.
that is the sky. the grass. the birds. the taste of air.
my love cannot be confined.
or defined.
it is everywhere. and everything.
darling, i only hope it's enough.

a ball of light has gone right through me
and exploded.
so if i randomly start to shine
or sparkle, that is why.
it is now in my veins, causing my heart
to pound non stop.
my eyes shine brighter, for the ball of light
has given me a gift.
my skin twinkles in the sun,
and i breathe the cleanest air.
my kisses are cosmic,
causing planets to move
and starts to explode.
i feel my body glide.
no effort needed.
i am a fairy, frolicking
through the meadows.

my wings alert and ready to fly.

drunk *** is more logical,
you moan things you could never say sober,
your moves fumble but end with awkward
names shout out and nails
filled with blood and dead skin cells of people you
don’t want to
remember.
drunk *** makes more sense to me. because i feel more
****, more alive, yet more devastated.
so when i’m ******* you, i’m trying to ****
out the problems i can’t seem to
erase.
don’t take it personally. well, that’s what people try
to tell me. yet i take everything personally.
(i’m working on it)
i’ll keep having drunk ***,
and trying to mend the bruises that i crave for,
trying to bandage the heart that i can’t find the
beat for
anymore.
people tell me they don’t understand why i’m crying,
and all i can say is,
same here. i don’t get it
either.

God to me is nothing more than fiction,
but his attendance is fervent
when your tongue flickers between
my thighs.

between reality and sedatives,
I was a mermaid with green glimmering
scales and sopping hair with highlights of sun.
you were the sailor and I was singing you home,
home, home.

between ****** and originality,
I wanted to break the bed with
the daemons creeping between my cradles.

between fainting and breathing in
kaleidoscopes, the atmosphere
was nothing but the lines between your lips.

between ******* and sleeping,
******* and sleeping, I cannot remember what
real life felt like. between love bites and bruises,
I no longer want to know what clean skin looks
like.

between kisses and *******,
I have danced through clouds and
met with stars, and they have told me
what I already
knew.

i would like to say our story was that of
a great love story
except, it almost seems like a dream
i try to remember your skin,
and how it felt against mine. all
i remember are flames. burning.
i try to remember your lips. all
i remember is silk.
i know we shared secrets, thoughts and dreams
but it's all so far away in my mind
i try to reach for it, but my fingers only
graze the surface
i feel the electricity but i can't
find the source
so, when i read your words, i feel nothing
and then i'm sad
for i know i should feel something.
pity. desire.
the words flow through me
but i cannot grasp them
i cannot hold onto something
that never wanted to be captured
i still dream of you.
at least once a week
the moment i wake, i wonder why.
i should be angry at you. outraged
for you deserted me. left me.
when you were mine. when i was yours.
you left when i wanted nothing but you.
but instead of anger, i feel empty.
like a winter land with no life,
there's no life in the part of my heart
that you stole away
you. were so wrong. you thought i was mad.
you thought i didn't want you
i wanted you
but i never told you
so i know this emptiness is my fault
i wish, for one last time, i could see you.
and say farewell, properly
i would take your large hands
and place them on my face
try to remember the warmth you once supplied
i would go on my tip toes, swaying
and kiss your lips, wondering
if the butterflies will surface
once more
and i would smile

yes, i have someone new. yes,
he is wonderful.
but that doesn't mean i don't think of you
do you have someone new?
is she pretty? kind? wonderful?

i wish i knew.

our story is over, i've known for
such a long time.
we should exchange the chapters
of our lives



but i know we never will

"i missed you"
well, ****, you fooled me.
somewhere in the depths of my vessels,
i will find you.
but you’re leaving, to “find yourself”
and i can trace circles for only so long.
good luck, i guess.

i hope i’m not that girl anymore,
because i’m ready to test my wings,

goodbye, or something,
we were never good at that.

i must be such a fool

to think you had changed an inch.

i must have pulled out the razor
again
and slowly dragged it against
my skin

because i must be a fool
i come back over and over

this silly ferris wheel needs to stop
because when i see you.
you're the same
your eyes trick me. but what else is
new?

your words seem comforting.
but then you push me away.
and i'm once again on the ferris
wheel

round and round. your face appears
in fragments.

i swear i'm going crazy
you promise me
but it's only filled with
emptiness

and unless the buzzing sensation takes
over

i mean nothing to you.

i was never the one with problems
but i created all of yours

you're my pain. you're my nightmare.
you're my revenge.

you're my greatest fear

My heart’s on fire.

Do you see it? It burns, blazes. Whenever you are near.
If you leave, I will be consumed by the flames. For you are the only one who tames it.
But, but, it could go at any minute…
burst and I would be gone.
But I feel the heat. I hear the crackling. I see the embers glow.

My heart’s on fire.

For you. For you. My love. I hope you see.
You touch and the ember licks the salt from your fingertip
Your lips leave ashes behind
My sweat sizzles upon your tongue
The fire has sprung, has lived, has died, since you arrived
It thrives for you.
It becomes blue and weak when you have left, yearning for the kindle that is your love
You enter, and like a phoenix, I am reborn
And the fire sings to me a happy lullaby

My heart’s on fire.

But your heart is something completely different
Your heart is a waterfall, a sea, a raging hurricane
That clashes with my own
The steam rises between us, and it’s hard to see past the fog
Your cool liquid wraps around me
I feel myself begin to drown

My heart. My heart. Is on fire.
Raging. Burning. Fiery.
But only for you.


For you, my love.

this is the first of "I love you"s
where it's felt like breathing.
with my parents, it's always been awkward,
forced.
(even though I love them more than I will ever say)
with him, there was no chance,
(he could never love me, his heart was too small)
with him, I wanted to cry,
(I didn't mean it, I never did)
but you.
I want to say it, all the time.
everyday.
the three words,
I can sing.
shout.
scream.
with no hesitance. no doubts.
just your voice in my mind.

why must my heart be like feathers falling too
quickly?
i cannot help but feel and love and feel and love
and it is all too much.
he has been in my dreams, a shadow
who kisses my eyebrows and walks with
patience besides me.
i believe this is the flesh him even though i know.
his questions are nothing of substance, and i
know he is eager to slip my veil off again and
again and again.
but can't he see my rib bones poking through my chest?

i am in love with his tongue, and perhaps nothing
else.
he reads poetry but holds no compassion.
eager to lick but quick to bite my
lips together.

i am so much more than my open legs.
i am so much more than my ripped tights and rimmed eyes.

but he stares at me like fish in tanks.
eyes too wide and mouth agape.
i am not the food placed on the surface, waiting to be
swallowed and digested.

when i try to pry open his chest,
he pushes me down.
lathers me in silver until my throat is
hollow.

he is a writer
but refuses to see the words in
people.

when i was fourteen i gave my first *******
without even knowing what “*******”
meant.
lips did not touch my
lady organs until i was
seventeen.
when i was fifteen i gave over fifty blow jobs,
approximately over one hundred hand jobs
and received one to ten
fingerings.
the boy at the time could only say, “you’re so good,
you’re just so *******
****”.
with my uneasiness and black rimmed eyes i
said little. all i wanted to do was
please.

i was sitting with a friend and as her soberness vanished,
she told me a man had never gone down on her.
i looked at her with wide eyes and when asked why,
she said,
"it’s just too weird. i don’t trust any man down there."
yet she could deliver tongue thrusts and gags left and right.

when the first man kissed my other lips,
he said i tasted wonderful, delicious, i was the drink
he savored for.
and i remember in that moment that i wasn’t just a
"girl".
i had transformed into cleopatra.

i had a man say i tasted like chicken, and i was his
favorite meal. as his tongue flickered, i would ***
inside clouds. and i wondered why this was such a
hidden treasure.

i wish for all women to be kissed, on both sets of lips.
all women to experience tongues dancing within their
insides. i want thighs trembling like earthquakes,
moans erupting like untamed volcanoes.
i want all women to become cleopatra, joan of arc,
ophelia, marilyn.
i want all women to
become
celestial.

fool on me, for breathing in your cigarettes.
fool on me, for losing myself among the thunder of your lungs.
fool. fool. fool. on me.
i wish you didn't have so much conviction.
needles and hay.
no reason to stay anymore.
your eyes gripped me, and i lost my will.
your tongue sandpaper.
your lips bark.
fool.
fool.
smoke, you drift through my veins.
in and out of my fingertips.
i tried to squeeze but all i have left is ash.
fool on me, for thinking otherwise.
for falling over and over
into your puddle of words

I have been obsessed with staring at people’s ring fingers. I have been obsessed with seeing if there are rings, and if there are, why? And if there isn’t, why? I have been obsessed with the concept of marriage. Of babies. Of living together forever and ever with just one person.

The thought tastes like milk washed down with soap. But I cannot stop staring at people’s hands. I want to ask how they knew. Was there a switch that was flipped? Was there music loud and thudding in their ears? How did they know that when they’re old with wrinkles under their eyes they’ll still want to kiss the other’s lips?

I check off my lovers with a sharpie on my wrists. I wonder if any of them thought I was the one. The sharpie bleeds and stains my shirt. A man told me once he loved me within a month of knowing me. Was that true, never ending love? He left cigarette ash in my car and didn’t know where to put his fingers. He had wanted a house, a kid, a dog.

In coffee shops, in grocery stores, in hallways, I am staring at people’s fingers. Some are smudged, some are dry with peeling skin, some are softly pink, and when I see the golden or silver bands milky soap sits underneath my throat.

I am checking my wrists.

i never feel more free then when
i’m driving with the windows down,
my hair cloistered among my face,
i will walk with a look of infidelity.
cheeks pinched pink plush, eyes are does waiting
to be shot.
i never feel more free then when i’m
driving.
because i can stay among the road, scream until
my lungs turn to ash,
or i can swerve
and taste the Earth
itself.

you spread me like strawberry jam,
licking syrupy wrists and chewing on pips.
i will thaw leisurely, until my skin has saturated through
your insanity.
open me like a mango,
slurping, drops of juice upon blemishes,
sprinkling candy through open wounds.
bite through me, an apple hard and
mouth watering.
the pits of me will fall, searching for fertile soil,
and grow.grow.grow.

sometimes i just want to chop all of my hair off and dye it a deep purple,
but i know even then i’ll still like the
sound of spoons clinking in mugs
and i’ll still cry when i hear styrofoam
squeaking past.
sometimes i just want to buy a ticket for nowhere, anywhere,
leaving no letters, no goodbyes, but all my things neat
intact. and i will have nothing but the clothes clinging to me,
ten piercings, three tattoos, and a body too sluggish for someone
so young.
sometimes i just want to wake up at four in the morning and see what color your eyes are
when the sun hits them a certain way, with bursts of gold and specks
of pixie dust.
how do i always end these with you?
i don’t know what i want, but it always seems to be
you. you. you.

i'll give you this much:
you sure know how to kiss
warmth traveled in my veins
and my stomach did something like
a backflip then two somersaults
you know how to be gentle
reading my uneasiness,
my trembles,
my gasps,
my want.
your tongue is patient
your hands rough
with old scars and stories forever hidden
underneath your lion rumble
you were once my giant
and i the small girl
we traveled among fields of wishes and sunflowers

your kiss feels right.
but my heart is no longer here.

my giant. my love.
one more kiss. or maybe two.
just for now.
just for now.

i've bent backwards until my face smashed into the dirt.
i've pulled my own teeth, gathering the blood into my palms.
and i've said it, i wrote it, i screamed it.
give me. give me. just give me.
your empty space sends me into walls.
your wordless dialogue causes rivers.
what now, darling?
i would burn my hair, kiss heart-shaped bruises.
give me. give me. just give me.
you've squirmed into my veins, an uncomfortable parasite.
forgive me or leave me.
i will run to you, but i cannot pretend.
it's not for sale.
i'm sorry, darling.
....but give me. give me.
just give me.

once upon a time, he called me Jasmine. princess,
rub my lamp to see all your wishes
come true.
i had red nails, they stained the walls as he kept saying
"you’re so lovely, you’re divine".
drown me until i fill myself with
waste and
melted snow.
maybe i am the ***** you always thought.
i walk among foggy sidewalks, breached with beer
and lust. i was once a girl who wanted it all.
now i just want a drink in one hand, yours in another,
neon lights penetrating, entering,
and you calling my name until i cannot hear anything
else.
i have demons, ghosts, parasites.
i drive them away with butcher knives and spider mascara.
won’t you stay a while,
darling?

i am a summer wild child,
i was born with sunflowers in my hair,
sand tickling my pores.
i am a fairy with periwinkle lids,
gold dust when i need to..
jolt.
i am a mermaid with scales to
mesmerize, hypnotize, glorify.
(but i fell in love with a two-legged fellow)

i am the pixie your mother told you to stay away from,
but you frolic through the meadows,
hoping to catch a glimpse.

so why don't you take these clothes
rip them to shreds
why don't you take this skin
slap it until red blossoms
why don't you take these thoughts
crush them until they are powder.

never good enough.

put on smiles for you
so big my lips tingle.
lend a ear, listening
concentrating, interacting.

never good enough.

try is a useless word
one that has been worn, tired
and locked away for others

beautiful, you say.
but these flaws. so many. too many.

smart, you say.
but these reports. no hard work.

good person, you say.
but these scars. these weaknesses.

you are full of ironies. contradictions.
throw them in my face
my screams are muffled.
wanting what is never in reach
typical. so typical.
never happy.
no. no. no.

i can never be like you
i will never be like you.

broke free, wings ready for flight.

gone.

you will miss me.
but there's nothing for me here.




never good enough.

I like coffee after morning ***.

After the unconscious caresses, the fleeting whimpers and moans, the stickiness that lingers between my thighs, the muddle of tangles that nests in my hair,

coffee always tastes the best.

There is a blue stain from my pajamas blotched upon the white wall from where you pushed me up against. From when your hips gridded against my thighs, a graph with linear equations that doubled and doubled and tripled. From when your fingers found the furrows inside my skin, planting seeds I am eager yet scared to see blossom.

There is a blue stain from my pajamas specked upon the wall, from when our hunger was too ravenous for even the wolves I tried to suppress. From the sweat I licked off and tasted sweeter than gumdrops coated with honey. From when my legs found your waist, squeezing, Medua’s hair demolishing a man too good, too tasty. From where your palms collided with my wrists, blacks and blues and yellows shooting through closely knit pores.

There is a blue stain from my pajamas splattered upon the wall, and I pass it with a smirk, feeling the presence of you. What will be our next victim, I wonder

"1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer over her lifetime"
my mother’s eyes did not blink as she spoked riddles.
i stared at the lump. an alien invading.
War of the Worlds.
"For women in the U.S., breast cancer death rates are higher than those for any other cancer, besides lung cancer."
she was in the hospital, a week, or two. it felt like five years.
i did not sleep that summer.
drunk off sake, my mother still did not cry.
"In 2011, an estimated 230,480 new cases of invasive breast cancer were expected to be diagnosed in women in the U.S."
the night before surgery, I cried until my lungs flopped to the floor
like two useless sacs of atoms.
I scratched my skin until morning,
waiting until my veins leaked.
"A woman’s risk of breast cancer approximately doubles if she has a first-degree relative (mother, sister, daughter) who has been diagnosed with breast cancer."
some days my ******* will sting, and I imagine a small demon,
with horns and razor teeth eating away at the inside of my *******.
when in the shower, I will cusp them in my hands, waiting to feel bumps.
instead I feel too small *******, with a heart that beats too fast.
nights, I dream of my mother with only one breast,
I dream of myself with no *******
The most significant risk factors for breast cancer are gender (being a woman) and age (growing older).*
let me never grow older, for I do not want my territory
stained. but I feel it squirming, and I want to **** it out with my
teeth.

it is pathetic that I am most worried about shaving my
head.

i can taste you,
on my tongue, in between the cracks
of my canines, saturated on my
peeling lips.
and i haven’t been able to keep food down.
you are in the pockets of cheeks,
and you taste like guilt, shame,
and so much greed. greed.
i have brushed my teeth over five times today,
used mouthwash until my eyes watered.
but you are thick,
and i’m swallowing, hoping it will dissolve.

"Your father and I almost had an affair. I thought it was so…romantic!"

My food lingers inside my intestines, attempting to slither back through my throat and wade on my tongue.

The only time I remember my parents sleeping in the same bed was when I was six, and that memory is fuzzy, like fumbling to the bathroom in the dark. I hit corners and trip over my own feet. I remember crawling between the two of them.

And the next memory is my mom in her bed, my father in his. They are not happy with each other.

They are not in love.

The memory after that is both of them yelling. Screaming. Words that are acid filled and burn my flesh.

The memory after is my father being drunk and my mother throwing objects at already stained walls.

The memory after that is me attempting to escape a house I could not find a home in. My mother tearing through my ribs until my plasma trickled down my arms. My father is sober, but sad.

My mother touches my father’s hand,

And I must excuse myself so I can run to the bathroom and punch the mirror until I see the shards poking through my knuckles and feel nothing but pain.

*Lovesinotrealloveisnotrealloveisnotreal.

my muscles are singing for one more gallop,
my thighs, bruised and swollen, need a
bang.
my back is popping and creaking, but it’s yearning
to arch.
i need a ****.
not gentle, not serene. do not take your time with me,
(let’s get straight tothepoint,
your point, please)
i am sore (always)
but it is the pain i thrive on, the pain that makes me
grin with a cheshire smile each morning.
i need a ****.
animalistic, disorderly,
as the peevish thoughts in my brain.
i do not want flowers, diamonds, chocolates,
i want the blue of your fingers, the red of your teeth,
the overwhelming thunders and oceans
that rest between your thighs.
i need a ****.
tonight dear, right now, dear,
let me hear you
growl.

i am aching and my tongue tastes like your
******* ignorance. like salt with *****,
i want to *****.
your fingers prodded me until i thought they reached my
spine.
take the pieces out, i have already lost the stability of my
own canvas.
you are a man with unshaken wrists,
who's legs known only how to walk away,
your speech like writing on pavements, never lasting for
too long.
once you had covered me head to toe with marks.
bruises. scratches. i had become the rag doll.
you threw while your lips shivered,
your hand on my throat no longer felt like
peace.
i cannot stop thinking of your fingers in me, searching for
a lie, or a truth, or a ******* resemblance.
nose breathing in the fumes of tears, sweat and mistakes.
for some seconds, i had believed your teeth wanted to chew out flowers,
not ******* thorns.
in the morning, your face, i no longer knew.

you had become the monster i had seen so many times before.
the monster who says i miss you yet can't
look at you in public spaces.
the monster who only calls you beautiful when your legs are wrapped
around him.

i have known this monster. time and time and time again.

"Tell me a secret."

I cannot *** with my eyes open. (Especially when it’s with someone)

"No way."

I still believe that one day you’ll tell me you love me.

"Why not?"

When I’m driving, I imagine swerving into the other lane. I imagine what color your eyes would be when you find out.

"I can’t."

I cannot let you inside my anatomy anymore, for twice is far too much. Your touch creates asteroids, and I am struggling to place layering upon the craters.

"Tell me a secret."

*Your eyes are still supernovas.

your love is my drug.**

oh, hasn't that been done?
darling, i have no floors of glitter
or ear piercing autotune.

just my words.

but your intoxication is clearly visible.
the taste of your tongue
is a buzz that puts alcohol to shame.
your teeth sinking into my body
not all the joints in the world could compare.

your breath into my lips is my drug
your sweat will forever be my drink of choice

withdrawal symptoms
when you are not around.
nights full of holding myself,
hoping it has a piece, somewhere of you.
shivers and sweats, with nothing but
your hallucination to comfort me.

high. you make me so high.
high enough to kiss the stars and say hello
to the moon.
high enough to make me forget every
sliver of worry,
fragment of doubt.

high on your lips. your voice. your bites. your licks. your nibbles.
your touch.
high on your love.
high.
high.
high on you.

your body is familiar territory.
i know the roads, the paths, the signs.
the way it sparks in the night, how it creaks
and turns with the sun.
i watch your body like a map, but i have no destination.
i only want to travel until i'm lost.
lost in the vastness of your shoulder blades.
lost in the sighs of your esophagus.
lost in the wool of your torso.
lost in the making of your hands.
lost in the glands of your cheeks.
lost in the sea of your eyes.
your body, my sanctuary.
your heartbeat, my lullaby.
i trail the territory with my fingertips.
i trail home.
home.