i tried my best,
or at least i thought i had.
with tactless fingers, i grasped the bricks
and jammed them
together.
days oozed into nights
five days, four nights.
it was awkward, imperfect but it would do.
but someone tore it down
he appeared from nowhere, with a hammer
as large as a lion. the bricks feel in one
clumsy sweep.
i tried again.
but this time with bricks and barbwire.
i placed the barbwire on top of the bricks,
in front of the bricks, under the bricks.
slicing my skin open once or twice.
my blood marking the territory,
i grinned in satisfaction
until another destroyer emerged
he knocked and banged. he hit and yelled.
so close. so close.
but not quite.
cracks in the bricks, the barbwire tore here and there.
more, i thought. more. more.
so then came the sheets of metal.
my muscles sung as i lodged the walls into the dirt.
i bathed in sweat but
i couldn't stop until i was done.
the walls secure, the bricks more or less together.
the barb wire sharp and deadly.
i stayed in my little house. my little cave. my little sanctuary.
with too many books and cat hairs
and i was content.
except for the hole clearly visible on my chest.
each day it widened.
i threw baggy clothes, blankets. it grew and grew.
you came along suddenly
you knocked politely at the front gate.
you whispered pleasantries and
begged to kiss my eyelashes.
i refused. i yelled. i shook my head until i rattled.
you persisted. you wanted my fingers, my insecurities,
you wanted it all, placed in a pile beside you.
crumble. one piece of the wall broke.
crumble. another.
crumble. and another.
and before i knew it your hands grasped my wrist.
before the tears escaped, you licked them up.
before i could speak, your tongue muffled any sound.
oh, the hole.
it closed, and closed and closed

"stop acting so brave," you whispered to my chest.
no walls. no walls.
but always tools nearby. just in case.
just in case.