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Amber S May 2013
your body is my habitual enclave,
I know the roads, the routes, the rails,

the way it sparks in the night, how it creaks with the sun.
I coast your body like a map,
the compass in my palm quivers, the needle
whirls and swivels, disoriented, north left behind.
instead I will globe-trot through your anatomy,
with no concerns of foreign lands, with languages
of gibberish and people unfamiliar.
first, I will plunge into your shoulders,
gape at the brawn, the vastness,
compare them to the beautiful mountains seen in Colorado.
next, I will huddle in the wool of your torso,
stealing a quick snooze,
submerged in the berceuse of your coronaries.
afterward, I will drift among your hands,
skipping among the grooves,
stumbling upon the calluses.
then, I will float among your lips,
stealing speckles of salt while playfully
greeting your lingual.
and, and, and, my darling, this adventure
will exhaust me.
so I will traverse back, through your lips, your hands,
your torso, your shoulders, until
I come to my favorite monument.
they are waves full of sapphire, clashing among
charcoal thunderstorms, dancing along
fields of jade.
two orbs of magnificence (and mine)

you will smile, and ask how the journey was,
and I will reply, as always:

“unforgettable”
Amber S Jan 2013
“i would have made a move on you”
unreachable, and yet you yearn with the soul
of a young boy i’ve seen in a summer field
far too many times.
“but saying, hypothetically…”
the dreams.
your eyes.
casting
spells
on
me.
in the dreams, you cared.
“hypothetically…”
i could never tell you about the dreams.
“hypothetically…”
you are the forest. he is the sea.
i ran through your trees for far too long.
“hypothetically…”
hypothetically, i would still dash through your woods, blissfully, scraping my knees as i fell over. over. over.
Amber S Mar 2012
there were no warning bells
when i kissed you.
there were no flashing signs
as your hand undid the zipper.
i still don't know.

but your kisses reminded me
of kitten's tongues.
and i shuddered
as your large hands traveled
the familiar territory.

i didn't think of him.
i know i should have.

but the alcohol sang warmly in my veins.
and your teeth on my skin was heaven.
sickly sweet heaven.
we laughed like we used to laugh.
and your eyes bore into mine.
familiar taste on my tongue.

white powder swirling
in the dark of my eyelids.
i leaned into you like so many times before.
your arms, my pillars.
absorbed together.
only 15 hours spent.
but it was if nothing had changed.

i didn't think of him.
i know i should have.
Amber S Jul 2011
if i could, i would tell you i love you
every second of every minute of every hour
of every day.
but i'm pretty sure i would pass out.
if i could, i would kiss you everywhere
over and over and over.
but i'm pretty sure i would become
dehydrated.
if i could, i would lie in bed with you
for months and months.
but i'm pretty sure we both would starve to death.
if i could, i would squeeze your hand
and grasp it, with no intention of letting go.
but i'm pretty sure you would
lose a hand.

if i could, i would be your girl, princess, best friend, lover, crazy kitty, *** goddess,
and cuddle buddy.

but i'm pretty sure,
i already am.
Amber S Jun 2014
behind pseudo sickness you crawl to me,
with your lies like flies between your teeth,
adderall caked on your cheeks. your fingers are
unwilling to leave prints, and i can only shake you
off.

yes, go leave. yes, escape if you must,
but i know any lands you walk on will spring with dead
weeds. because you twisted and turned me for two years,
speaking of love but instead giving me
icy nights and days full of eyeliner streaked tears.

go and live with your “gluten-sensitive” lifestyle,
your hypochondriac tainted glasses, seeing nothing but
no and no and no and empty voids,
running through role-plays that are always so much more appealing then
a beautiful girl who ripped her heart out for
you.

no, i’m not cynical. no, i’m not
angry.
i am frustrated. wishing you had cried for me for weeks, and i know
you didn’t. i am thinking of those bruises on your neck, your
"**** buddy" and how your step-sister was a better choice
for you.

so leave, please, just leave.
and no, i don’t want to see you.
you can’t leave ashes in my mouth, not this time.
Amber S Aug 2013
it has been two and a half months
(really it’s been seven years, three months,
fifteen days, twelve hours, five minutes and thirty-three
seconds)

but my jacket is back.
(except it smells like you)

acoustic guitar, the redolence of ****
and mistakes pungent in the sort of summer air.

but my jacket is back.
(except it tastes like you)

i felt your footsteps, imagined the way your fingers
held my hair, tight, yanking. a doll with loose threads.

but my jacket is back.
(except it looks like you)

your teeth reminded me of the oceans i could never find,
your eyelashes like razors begging to slice me open.

but my jacket is back.
(except it feels like you)

it felt heavy in my bruised hands, your hug
was a boa constrictor killing prey. main course.(dessert)

but my jacket is back.
yet when i wear it,
all i can think is you mounting, hands
rigid, your fingers venom.

i cannot breathe with it on
Amber S Jun 2013
it has been three days, and i am grasping at empty straws,
with holes that are microscopic, and i cannot
drink
anything.

it has been three days, and today i saw a motorcycle,
and resisted the urge to swerve into it,
so finally i could stop the buzz buzzbuzzing
in my no sense
brain.

it has been three days, and you are ignoring me,
and i can imagine last night you spent it between the legs
of some petit blond girl who is in love with you,
but you are in love with lust,
and i imagine her nights are pillow filled,
and moony-eyed.

it has been three days, and you still have my *******
jacket. but i am scared to step into your room,
you will speak with marbles and i will crawl, trying
to gobble them. you will crash, breaking my ribs and my
pride.
your fingertips will scar.
(i really like that jacket)

it has been three days.
Amber S Jul 2013
it has been a week, (or two, or three, or four)
and i cannot find you except in my nightmares.

"you like that, *****?"

it has been a week, (or a month, or a year)
and i drown inside showers that burn me inside
out.

"such a good little ****."

it has been a week, (or five years, or twenty)
and since you have seen my bruised organs,
you have spat on me and ran.

it is burned into my retina,
i close my eyes, and besides the igneous red,
i see your hands tight around my throat,

"why do you like being choked so much?"

because i’d much rather die at your hands,
than admit i still
care.
Amber S May 2013
i did not grow up with siblings.
i grew up with half-sisters, half-brothers,
a step mom, just like in cinderella. except i never met her.
and i never will. (my dad would rather slash his own throat)
i was by myself,
with beanie babies and whispering sunlight.
i had to cover my ears when the screaming pierced,
blindfold my eyes when blood tainted the creases.
i made friends through my bathroom tiles,
the wavy puddles looked like old men, like crushed flowers.
i talked to inanimate objects, squirrels lurking behind bushes.
with the first bunny, i grabbed onto his fur.
with the first dog, i howled and panted, hoping to become.
i drew elaborate stories upon sidewalks, vanished into the lines of
majestic quests.
the real world was nothing but glass with tainted red.

“didn’t you wish you had siblings?”

i escaped. i’m here,
with scrapes and broken bones,
but i’m here.
Amber S Jan 2011
i'm not perfect. well, actually
no one is.
faces with the clearest skin
bodies without an inch of flaw

i swallow to keep the hatred down

i'm not perfect

my stomach is
not flat
and yes, i
have acne. but that means
i'm human

i'm not perfect

pressure. pressure. pressure.

look at her
watch how she drifts
i bite my lip
and all i taste is steel
i don't always shave
and i don't
always bother with the brush

i'm not perfect

anyone who tells you they are
have lies dripping from their lips

burn those ******* magazines
turn off the useless screen

real women
are beautiful. are pure. are chubby. are hairy. are weird. are sweet.

are full of imperfections.

i'm not perfect
Amber S Feb 2013
you said my skin was
cinnamon.
i wonder if it
tasted like it too.
your skin was cigarette ash & *****.
my tongue is thick with it.
Amber S Oct 2013
summer mornings. sweat, sticky, salty.
licking cracked hangover lips, tasting juices
molded, squeezed, smashed.
fitting together like two folded puzzle pieces.
summer nights. bent over, kissing bruises, battle
cries.
fumbling and stumbling through sheets, thunder clouds,
vapors of ***. alone.
but alone with each other.
Amber S Mar 2011
oh, i wish i could hold you tight
in my fingers
squeeze until you begged for mercy
can i loop a leash
around your infinite space?
you are my dog now
you must obey

stop, please? slow down
can't you see the beauty around?
i pant, trying to keep up
i wipe the beads of sweat
from my forehead

infinite space

do you see? everything's floating

you continue. you continue.
no glances, no second thoughts

you could care less

my eyes, wide with fear
old age, blink, all of it's gone
moments. memories.

i thought i had you tight
you're responsible for this

your infinite space scares me
there's no control
there's no definition

infinite. infinite. infinite.
Amber S Aug 2013
one day maybe, you’ll let me write my poems upon your skin,
let the words, like vines, trickle and tingle through your veins, itch and scab upon your pores.
so, whenever you’re sad, whenever you’re lonely,
you can see the ink,
and know i will be there, even when it fades.
Amber S Dec 2013
i. the night you called me over-sensitive was the night
i filled myself with empty soda cans. i attempted to wash away
your scent. 50. 51. 52. times.
it all still stinks of you.
ii. you used to make me wait until three in the morning.
you never apologized. the last time was until four, and you greeted me
with a kiss that peeled my lips off,
threw me against the wall feeding me words and stale fragments.
iii. the night you said you were ******* her should
have been it. instead you held me,
and i imagined her blonde white hair, her pasty thighs bouncing.
you used to say you loved my cinnamon skin.
iv. you want to return to what we were.
but we were never anything except petal filled wishes and
gluten-free mistakes.
v. do not look for me anymore,
i am gone. i will be gone. i will be kissing stars and men with
accents and minds that are unlatched.
do not look for me anymore.
Amber S Apr 2012
i must have met you in a dream
(for how else could such worlds collide?)
you were cool and i was small
(i remember the sweat pressed in my pores)
the first time we kissed
(i think i saw fireworks, and my stomach went
down to my toes)
you smelled so good
(i had too many secrets, unwinding from my tongue)
you laughed in perfect pitch
(my eyes couldn't remember the feeling of dry)
you swallowed me up
(i floated for days in the sea)
first time, i was shaking
(you never let me go)
the fireworks exploded
(i lost count of the stars)
now. now. now.
(you're the infection in my brain)
you squirm and squiggle.
(always there. always there.)
crazy? maybe.
(but i'd rather be crazy than without you)
please don't turn away
(your ocean will drown me)
Amber S Aug 2011
here you go...
here is my heart.
wrapped in ribbons and shiny
paper.

it took a while to find it again.
i had to dig through broken glass
and wire.

but, with ****** hands

i present you my heart.

i know it doesn't look like much
but it holds untold stories, shared
secrets and scars
that should be long forgotten

i've been told it's bigger than most

so, please, will you be gentle?
will you treat it well?

it needs attention almost constantly,
so make sure you put some time aside.

it needs love. and it needs to be
held every now and then

so make sure your arms are big and secure

but, most of all...
it needs you.
it has chosen you.

right away, it thumped and bumped for you.

it had been a while...
the spider webs were finally cleared
and it was able to see the light of day again

and now, you have it.
so love it.


love me.

my heart...i present it to you.
Amber S Jul 2012
i think i love you more than books
...and i really really love books
the romance begun when i was small,
the pages seduced me, the words entranced me.
for years i squeezed myself into the spine,
the bind becoming a welcoming embrace,
the smell evoked drool, the touch kindled an explosion.
i thought this was what real love felt like.

you prowled along, and without a blink swept me away.

for a minute, i forgot the dusty pages, the ink full of stories.
your eyes held all the passion i had read about.
your voice reminded me of all my favorite characters.
i became mesmerized.
and i had thought it was only possible in my books.
i stopped dreaming about my books. i started dreaming about you.
...i think i love you more than books.

i no longer need to escape,
i fall in your arms and i'm free.
Amber S Dec 2010
It's kind of funny
how...
humanity is just slipping away
how you want to be everyone's friend
while deep down inside
you're hating so strongly
it's kind of funny
how you yell at me
saying i'm the one with problems
while the tears mark your face
how we say we hate being hurt
while we put another knife
into someone's back
it's kind of funny
how we say,
"it's what's inside that matters"
yet we all wear a mask
every single day
how you give me your hand
yet pull it away when i need
to hold on
it's kind of funny
when you say you're sick of pretending
yet you continue to wear that smile
and it's just kind of funny
how...
easily we throw friends away
easily we hate
easily we fall in love
easily we make mistakes
easily we fall apart
and it's kind of funny
how you keep telling me
you want a change
yet you're not doing
a **** thing about it
Amber S Dec 2012
beautiful girl, you are not ugly.
society is.
indeed you are so brilliant, society can only cower, trying to find someone else for the blame.
beautiful girl, you are not fat.
society is.
indeed it is so large and grotesque, spitting fumes of hate.
beautiful girl, you are not a *****.
society is.
condemning everyone's move, it's hypocrisy could paint the walls.
beautiful girl, you are not a ****.
society is.
throwing itself at every broken promise, silver-polished lie.
beautiful girl, you are not a freak
society is.
howling until all glance their way, foaming at the mouth with every inch of lunacy.
beautiful girl,
you are special. intelligent.
astonishing. inspiring.
phenomenal. mind-blowing.
breathtaking. remarkable.
stupefying. jaw-dropping.

society knows all of this,
but it wants to be the one on top.
so keep your head up, beautiful girl.
and smile.
smile.
smile.
Amber S May 2012
you've taken one year of my life
(i'd even say the best)
so place it in a big enough box, with too much shiny paper
lots of ribbons or some sort of thread. make sure you tie it in a bow.
put stickers on it. cute ones. random ones.
make sure it captures your storm.
place it in a corner. place it on your bed.
you just need to see it.
(always)
i hope when you open it (if you do)
you'll hear my dumb laugh,
you'll see my eyes that you said were the most beautiful,
you'll try to remember the taste of my breath,
you'll long to feel the curve of my hips,
you'll yearn for my fragility.
when you leave
(i know you will)
you'll have nothing but this box full of memories,
you've taken everything else.
so take one more,
it's yours, anyway.
Amber S May 2012
i want to dissolve on your tongue.
i want to squeeze into your blood stream.
i want to lay between your ribs, place your beating heart
upon my cheek.
i want to soak into the sweat upon your collarbone.
i want to travel the freckles on your nose.
i want to place myself upon the lines of your lips.
i want to tattoo myself on your skin.
i want to swim in your eyes, facing the storm
with no shelter.
i want. i want. i want. to disappear with you.
into the stars. the inky blackness.
where i have all of you,
you have all of me.
Amber S Oct 2013
boys lips are never like yours,
darling.
yours are two peach slices, with a
pop rock in the center.
sizzle, fizzle, dissolve.
fireworks, explosives in our mouths
till the comets reach our eyelids.
boys lips are never like yours,
darling.
their tongues throttle,
yours the snake between the bushes.
teeth unfurnished,
yours insatiable.
boys lips are never like yours,
darling.
yours are the candy that i’ll chew
until i’m sick.
Amber S Jun 2013
I have a white tank, see through,
and I like to wear leopard print bras with it.
(neon ones, pink ones, ones that scream
looklooklookatmemememe)
Je veux faire du pied a toi
‘I want to play footsie with you’
it smells like you, after fifteen washes.
‘I want to make out with you’
it is wrung from where you gripped and spread
‘I want to *******’
it used to fit so well,
but it hangs like a torn shower curtain.
it is hard to breathe with it on,
because I cannot think of anything else except you
fuckingmeinit.
the words are frayed,
an ashy blue with speckles of snow white.
such a cool shirt, I used to think.
but you bit through it, with wolf fangs,
bit through until you punctured my skin,
drained me until I was nothing but a sac of helpless
skin.

It has French on it,
(so ******* witty)

I

want

to

forgetyou.
Amber S Jan 2013
our goodbyes
are becoming more difficult.
for each day, i discover new crinkles
under your eyes or
how your voice sounds like sugar & cream stirred in coffee
when you smile.
so when i kiss you goodbye,
i’m kissing goodbye all of you.
(your body. your soul. my sea.)
i’m kissing goodbye the love that i have planted in you,
my love will grow until vines intertwine in your strands.
saying goodbye to you has never been
easy.
but why is it so hard now?
Amber S Mar 2012
kitty has come out to play
her whiskers detect the yearning trembles
her nose smells the fragrance of lust
am i your **** cheetah?
the spots inky, the fur lustrous
the paws aching and alive
the eyes full of thirst
i purr with the twitch of your skin
my teeth scrape
my tongue salivates
my heart beat escalates
my ***** pulsate
my claws absorb you
my lean mean enraptures,
takes over.

don't move,
kitty wants to play.
she'll make you purr
before the night is through
Amber S Jan 2014
there was a rip in my stockings,
inner limb, long and exposed.

"i like your tights"

clunky boots, shorts, a skirt, a dress.
i was wearing them when your fingers played
with my insides.
legs long enough to drown in,
did you imagine them tangled, bruised?
my thighs are my gems, they will quiver,
damp under the sheer, ripped, flowered, polka-dotted
material.

daddy, lover, with your palms along
my calves, your teeth ridging the edge.
baby boy, with your nails tearing my hips.

i will be your black-eyed beauty.
the night you spoke my name in inked lights,
the night your lips tasted like cigarettes and chocolate,
my tights shredded.


knee high socks and blood red lipstick,
i’ve been wearing nothing but ripped
tights.
Amber S Apr 2014
his fingers pluck among my curves and i am his guitar,
and with each chord he strums my skin sizzles.
within my earlobes he whispers all the obscenity i crave,
murmuring tunes while our eyelashes flutter along
late night rainstorms.
among my neck he skims among pastures,
breathing beams through my clavicle.
his tongue riffs between my core, leaving ashes
behind.
he finds the beat within my hips, my pelvis
pounding and churning disco, rock operas, ***** rap
to the tempo of creaking
mattress.
his mouth panting lyrics, his teeth carving
notes.
with the growl of my name, i am singing it over
and over and over
and over.
Amber S Sep 2013
her name was Leah, and she had
brightbubblegumpinkhair.
she was flawless in all the ways i wanted to be,
she was broken in all the ways i thought i was,
like a vase that never sits right again.
everyone else gasped and stirred at the pink puffy lines,
but i found them beautiful. a work of art.
a masterpiece in a museum that is crooked and never set
right again.
her name was Leah, and she scared me,
like a lion with no cage. her eyes were hurricanes that had
pillaged and destroyed and conquered and vaporized.
we baked cookie soup, and i only saw her teeth once.
(they were like white shells found lodged in the sand)
i wanted to kiss her arms and run my tongue along the pink,
see if she tasted like burnt toast and rubbing alcohol.
her number used to be lodged inside my brain,
i memorized it instead of listening to people speak inside white walls
with chapped lip stick and perceptions of nonsense.
her name was Leah, and she had
brightbubblegumpinkhair
with a gun locked and loaded.
we lost touch. i started to be sane (that’s what they call it, at least)
i imagine the gun
her brains kissing pavements and secret filled walls.
are they as pink as her hair?
Amber S Jan 2011
we were never friends.
we were leeches. *******.
feeding
the life from each other

exhaustion
that's all i ever felt afterward
you would speak to me

how did i not notice?
the smoke, like snakes, swirling
around you?
your eyes suddenly narrow, red?

how? how? how?

did i not notice
the knife hidden behind
your back?

oh, i saw the knife finally
but only.

only

when it was wedged deep in me
and my own blood

surrounded me

what a stupid game we played.
no straight answers.
headaches.
late nights.

waste. waste. waste.

i bet you enjoyed yourself.

yes, we were leeches
but you were the fatest one
******* every drop i had
until i was dry. dry. dry.

with your lovely eyes
and smile. you'd
convince me.

why was i blind?



i'm free now, did you know?
i sleep. i eat.

i live.

and without you
life has never been better
Amber S Dec 2013
i. i have convinced myself i look the most beautiful with bruises and
hair that has not been brushed.
ii. sensitivity is my virtue. i wear it on my eyelashes and cry it all
off so i look like a raccoon waiting to be abandoned.
iii. i think if you opened me up inside you would find
books with dog-eared pages and
dandelions.
iv. if i fall in love with you, hold me down with cords
and fabrications.
v. i’m wearing lipstick too much, because all i can think of
lately is your fingers in my mouth and the
cliffs i need to jump off
of.
Amber S Apr 2012
up
and
down.
sidetoside.
in and out.
let the sweat drip. let it drip.
down.down.down.
i watch your steps with hunger.
i tap my toe in time.
when we dance, when we dance,
all i see is blue mixed with green and grey.
i count the freckles so i won't become lost.
you grab me. my hair. pretty little ribbons.
oh, the tingling. twirl it in your fingers.
a whiff of the dark perfume.
your teeth sinking into my shoulder
(my favorite move)
i die. i die. i die.
tongue glides across the pores. i twist to
get every lick.
oooh...
no inch of dry land.
we're really swimming now.
but let us dance and dance.
until our feet are stones
and our faces are numb with bliss.
take me, darling.
and we'll dance
until we just can't dance anymore.

your rhythm is the only one i could ever dance to.
Amber S Jan 2016
she had never fallen in love with a man with tattoos.
no, the guy with the 'friend' tattoos didn't count.
they looked like **** and she remembered
how one used to bleed.

she had wondered what attracted her to this one.
he was bitter, and sour, lemons and limes
puckering up.
he complained.
his job was never enough, his food,
his bed.
she had no reason. perhaps it was his voice,
the accent with spiked inflection and soft spoken
syllables. she knew it definitely was the tattoos.

covered. black ink. pressed into skin.
maybe it was the pain she thought.
the hours spent. what are the stories? she'd ask.
there are no stories.
do you regret?
no. he says.

he likes to ****. she likes that about
him. he likes to read.
******* and tattoos. pain and pleasure. pleasure and pain.
she wonders if he can read her like she can read him.

they are both unhappy. they are both stuck.
but he gives her the pain, the pleasure.
he gives her the moment of forgetting, she hadn't had that.
she traces his tattoos with her peeling fingers.

does this hurt? no. he says.
can i hurt you? yes. she says.

what is it about the tattoos? is it the
artwork? the needle prodding.
inside, tearing the pores, the atoms,
blood bubbles bursting.

she thinks and bites his lip.
why are we addicted to this strange pain?

she's not in love with this man, but she
is in love with the hurt.
she craves it.
Amber S Jul 2011
i hear the bird in my mind
chirping.
sweet like sugar meltin'
hairs on skin rising like the sun
music. music. music.
my little fella's telling me
play it. sing it. dance it.
until your heart bleeds the notes.
your lips are buzzed with the melodies.

until you are drunk.
drunk off the music.
the beauty. the life.
Amber S Oct 2011
little goldfish, you are so small
one tiny piece. in this gigantic place.
little goldfish, you swim in the same circles.
never going anywhere.
little goldfish, why do you stare?
your large eyes
empty. drowning.
little goldfish, you rise to the top
only to find it hard to breathe.
little goldfish, you swim
to find there is nothing
vast nothingness.
water. just water.
little goldfish, does it scare you?
little goldfish, i wish i could take
your bowl and throw you into
the river.
i wish i could throw you on land
and watch you fade.
little goldfish, your suffering would end.

little goldfish,
where is your mind?
Amber S Sep 2013
speaking of drugs and soul mates,
somehow his dangly fingers found the inner stitches
of my pinkplated skinny jeans.
we fell into backseats and booths at bars that held
sushi and white powder lining caked sinks.
we giggled at how he said tomato, and i dissolved into
the sixth beer, the seventh, the eighth,
the lines between her lipstick.
we danced and screamed among stained floors, holding each other,
waiting until the moon lifted us.
he and i held hands as i ran between poles, pretending
i was the goddess of love, of lust, of night.
we made out and my head cracked upon glass,
his glasses slid upon pavement. he was nervous, i was laughing.
an american girl, his first time.
his fingers traced, cream upon coffee.
in the morning i found bruises upon my lips,
marks of eagerness, of mistakes.
we walked again, not hand in hand,
dreary and rainy, perfect London weather.
and i wondered if having tea
and crumpets would have
helped.
Amber S Nov 2013
I had chewed up lips and a consciousness that slipped between your fingers and my thin laced skin. I was fifteen, in love with you and pointy objects and the desire to one day feel alive.

Nights were our favorites. You held me high on your shoulders while I spread my arms and screamed. Your fingers pricked my thighs and I could feel your molecules forming with my molecules and when I saw my breath coming in little puffs of cotton ***** in the air all I could think of, Is this what life is?

Sometimes you would run with me on your shoulders and I had to latch on for dear life. My nails in your gold speckled hair, “Don’t you dare close your eyes,” you’d say and I’d cry from the wind, from the adrenaline, from the thought of you ever letting go. Little crystal streams ending nowhere.

But eventually, you did, you dropped me hard and fast and I fell upon the cold frosted grass. No warning, no squeeze of assurance. The wind knocked out of me, tears freshly stained upon acne scarred cheeks. I tried to lift my head to see you, but you were gone. All I had was the tethered swing set, the stars. And this is what life is, I thought. It’s flying until you can’t. Falling until you cannot breathe and then it’s over.
With a thud.
Amber S Nov 2013
i think i have finally found myself, in between the cushions of
crumble filled and beer stained backseats of his car. through the spaces
of his fingers, all i taste is *** and lingering
regrets.
i think i can finally disappear, among nights that never end,
with tongues that never parch.
a little touching never hurt nobody, and i think my veins
are nothing but fire tonight.
i had lost myself in his red car with a stupid license plate,
and eyes that held me, shut me, locked me up.
i had lost myself in this idea that you can’t be alone too long,
for your own fingers can only do so
much.
i have found myself, while stumbling and purging through
crisp nights, touching car doors, fur, strangers hands.
i have found myself amid his arms, but i’m still looking for the other
pieces,
i think they might be inside you, you,
you. let me take a look, darling, we have nowhere to be
tonight.
Amber S Nov 2012
the marks formed by ruthless tables, i can live without.
the bruises blossoming from falling too many times,
are of no beauty to me.
the scars from too many lost battles, bring joy
(for a little while)
but your marks, bright and vibrant.
your bruises, beautifully blue, yellow and purple,
are my new tattoos, the gun, your teeth.
the scratches etching my back, my blood under your nails,
my cells speckled.
this canvas, your work of art.
this exhibition, your dominance.
none other shall stain me.
i apply the pressure, perceive the throb.
come back, my brute, my savage, my demon,

love bites, i seek.
love bites, i need.
Amber S May 2011
love, *******.
for making me want him so badly
for making me think about him
every second.
for making me his, and only his.
blind. i am blind.
my sense of reality has been distorted.
and.and.and.
i thought i knew better.

love, why this?
i want to die yet
i've never felt more alive
i find tears on my pillow but
my cheeks hurt from grinning
i hate waiting for him but
the moment i see his face,
i am ready to burst

love. what a stupid stupid thing.
but i can't get enough.

love, *******.
love, thank you.
love, really?
love, i don't understand.

love....




i love you.
Amber S Jul 2014
when i was 15, a boy with a fake tooth and emerald eyes
took me to a steep hill and attempted to throw
me over his shoulder.
the grass was freshly wet, so we slipped and my knees bounced.

a school night, he invited me in his parents car and
we sat side by side in the back.
my throat was full of barbwire and i couldn’t move, my knees
burning, my arms rigid. a boy with subtle eyelashes told me i was cool,
but the barbwire traveled through legs.

we used to watch movies until he got bored and i fell in love
too quickly, shivering between his legs, his fingers
pulsing bruises.

when i was 17 i fell in love with a chain smoker and a man
who couldn’t grow up. except no, it wasn’t love. perhaps pity,
but i liked his large hands and how he had seen the world through
tar tinted glasses.

he told me we had to make love,
and when we finally did a year later, Watchmen in the background,
i felt my skin shredding, my freckles finding new pockets.
my knees were still bruised.

when i was 18 i fell in love with a boy who knew nothing,
except he had a fetish for Asian girls and not being able to
commit.
when he choked me for the first time i thought i died and for a minute
i was so
happy.

for two years he placed circles around my feet, telling me i was
beautiful, but never just beautiful
enough. when i told him to stop yelling, he said i was too
weak.

when i was 21 i fell in love with a boy who didn’t force anything
but love
and understanding. he took his fingers and place heart shaped
bruises, kissing my skin until i burned.

on nights i couldn’t breathe he’d take me to the window
and place his palms upon my cheeks. i found moths within
his hair, and instead of saying don’t cry, he wipe tears away
and hold my hand.

when i was 21 i finally found out that love is meant to spend sunday
mornings making love until your bodies end and begin end
and begin end and begin. and making breakfast is better
with his arms around your
waist.

21 and i am in love with a boy,
22 is around the corner, and i will still be
in
love.
Amber S Dec 2013
trill through my veins,
the cadence matching to that of your
muted steps.
drained ribs, vital with the tingle of
your
bristles. trill through my veins, trill through my
veins. let my anatomy be
your melody.
Amber S Jan 2016
he is running down my legs. sticky
inside my thighs. like the glue you
used in elementary school. the kind that
peeled off your finger tips.
he is inside of me, dampening my
underwear, seeping on my fingerprints.

i do not know if he likes me,
but his touches feel almost like
love.
but it's not love.

i am the girl, sticky with him and
attempting to recreate my spine.
i am the girl, marks like warning
signs on my *******, but all i can say is
(harder).

i want, this girl to jump inside that lake and
drown.
and wake baptized, fresh, alive.

he is inside my hair. he likes my
hair. he loves my hair.
but this is not love.

i tell him to pull, but he is too
gentle.
i am the girl spilling out her
teeth.
and you are the boy chewing up my
guts.
it is not love.

he is the foreign boy who smells, not like
the ads or the films or novels.
he smells like early mornings and that is where i am always
finding his lips.
he is sinking in my intestines, writhing and thriving, he is the upchuck
threatening beneath my
molars.
i am the girl crashing hard and burning diamonds.
within this room he has shredded me.

it is not love. he is not love.
but it is something.
something.
something.
Amber S Sep 2013
making love should be effortless,
like sand ebbing through achy fingers.
floating upon pillows made of feathers
and fairies.
making love should be steady, yet
untamed. like forest fires that lick
and clean branches,
kissing the trees with ashy goodbyes.
making love should be heartbreaking,
like the taste of salt with no warning,
the crushing of bones underneath
the ideas of love, and lust, and lost.

making love should be like it is with you & i,
your fingers in my hair, your stubble upon my *******,
your arms enclosing me, never letting me go.
making love should always be like it is with you & i,
the quick, the slow, the kisses, the moans,
the sweet and salty veins sprouting,
covering us in nothing but sadness, wanting.

making love should be everything, and completely nothing.
Amber S Mar 2012
put your lips to mine and
breathe my life back into
my rusty lungs.
run your tongue onto my
crackling skin and
see it twinkle and shine.
nibble on my lobes and
i'll be hearing sugary tunes
all day.
crack a smile and the
silhouette will be fingerprints
forever upon my skull.
plant a kiss along the collarbone
no gem could ever compare.
your ocean eyes
salt will be leaking from my pores
the titillating breeze will engulf me.
darling. my beautiful darling.
you are my song.
the sun leaking through the clouds on
that gloomy day.
you are the sweet surprise i never
expected.
the metled gooey chocolate
on a sizzling summer's day
opening the wrapper
licking you clean
with the smears on my
cheeks and chin
you bite the tip of
my smudged nose
and i laugh
and i see, i see
nothing else.
Amber S Apr 2013
i had waited too long for today.
heat sauteing upon toast skin.
“you have some caramel on your lip”
trying, with no effort to lick it off,
you kissed it, placing your tongue between
my teeth.
my hands and heart were sticky with melted custard.
summer’s calling me home.
Amber S May 2013
you lick me clean,
(no need for seconds)
i am dinner and desserts,
wrapped in one.
i have metamorphosed.
(you chipped and cracked until
the cocoon fell and shattered)
sticky air kisses my collarbone,
you slurp the salty water because no one can
satisfy you like I can.
the fields tingle through my old bones,
the lakes shiver upon my friable vents.
i am free, darling,
free only when i am with you.
Amber S Sep 2013
paradise is the way
your eyelashes close together
like butterfly wings
as you whisper my name
through pillow lips,
your hand submerged in
my
mane.
Amber S Jun 2013
open up my lungs,
set the soiled insects free,
the water is boiling,
and the vapor gathers too quickly,
too much.

“we are mortals”
are words no twenty something wants to hear,
i would like to think i’m some greek goddess,
frolicking forever and ever,
loving until i am drained
(but i am already, darling)

once i knew a woman who closed herself up.
i think i am her now,
i see lemon fangs instead of pearly whites.
i seek adventures within myself,
to find roads with tumbleweeds and empty
ideas

i wish i knew how to stop,
because my skin is frayed and tattered,
from your yanking and feeding.

i wish i knew how to be beautiful,
because that is all we want in life,
and i keep looking at my blood vessels,
“beauty”
yet i see none.
Amber S Apr 2014
i have mentioned i like morning ***.

but i have forgotten to talk about *** late at night. after one am. when you’re drunk. when you’re sober. when all you can hear is the sighs of the mattress and the far distant squalls in the streets, the sirens mewling past as your cries muffle into blackness.

the later the better, for you tend to hold on tighter, curl your legs behind his knees until he buckles. your name from his lips sounds like rainstorms. it is when your inner demons are released.
when his fingers dig deeper, his teeth scrape harder. he pulls until your scalp is burning, throttles until nothing but spit emanates.  
it is dangerous, it is lovely, it is living. you bite each other’s lips until you taste nothing but him, guzzling him until your internals are churning and gushing with him. you remember thinking how one drunken night at three am was enough.
but then he came again at four. then he came again at five.
and it was at seven in the morning when you were covered in his crux you couldn’t turn away. you wanted the morning ***, you wanted the late night ***. you wanted to be flooded and whisked until your
body was nothing but his
testimony.
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