back at the cubbyhole
how long it has been
the smell of crowded people,
old couches,
and warmth

it just fills my lungs to the brim
i inhale the soft lights,
the purple walls

we are home again
a random mix
of random people

writing, playing chess, organizing cards
catching up

here are our lives,
we are the same people,
we just have different tales


nothing ever changes as everything begins to change...

Cleans the filth off a persons hair
Off their Bodies
From their hands
Cleans the swears from your mouth

A bitter recognizable sent
The scent of early morning
Clean Fresh New

With this my senses burn
Like these past few years are being wiped clean
All of a sudden I feel fresh
Invigorated
From the scathing hot water
The endless scrubbing
Of my raw flesh

Now no one can see my mess
They cannot tell where I have been
A fresh start
The one I have been hunting for for ages
There are still some scars left to explain
But with time those fade as well

I have found peace with myself

He is my soap
I'll never forget that smell

Exhaustion settles deep within my bones
Forcing them to ache from the sheer weight of it all
As they drag this near lifeless human form from her bed

The eerie glow of the monitor strains at my eyes
Washes my t-shirt in its light alone
My hands shake as I violently type out what remains

Running to the bathroom on feet with no direction
A ghost flitting from room to room
Feet pushing hard onto the linoleum with no sensation

Quick yanked over my wet mop
A hand-dye tee
I sure did love him then
Didn’t I?

Sleeping still eludes me
Even though now there is nothing to keep me up
But that person in side my head
That never fails to stop finding things for me to think about

I am caring for a basil plant now
Not even mine I just lucked out with a patch of rocks that gets all the sun
Herbs could desire

I pluck off all the dead leaves
Water it daily
Make sure all the leaves can turn their faces towards the rays

Today is dress up day
Get out of bed
Put on your Lady face
Try again

This one is for you
Mr. Brand New Obsession

Failure
Though I don't want it
Could easily be
Not inevitable
Not unavoidable
Not unwarranted

This time
I’m putting up my fists
Blocking hits

But
I am not giving up
I refuse to give up

Here I go
I will open the door
But I will stand right behind it
Swinging like Babe Ruth
If you decide to try to break me down

I will give you some pieces
But each one will
Say
Beware this will self-destruct
If we do

I will admire you
Through binoculars
Behind my barricade

Unfortunately
Though you have never done
One
Wrong
Thing

I will be keeping you out
As I try to let you in

So this is my plea
Stand in this doorway
Allow me to tidy up the mess I have made

If you remain
Tomorrow
You can come and see
What love remains in me

Please Refrain
From fearing all this Rain
And just Remain

This is what I want
A little house with an a frame top
And giant colored strands of lights in every window
With a huge tree , too big most definitely for the room
And a ridiculous mixture of old and new just covering the walls

I want wallpaper
Peeling from the walls
As though it almost hurts it to remain stuck on so hard
And I want it so be intricately ugly and old an’ discolored
In a cozy way

I want to live on a street of little houses
With potluck suppers
Small gardens that are improperly tended
Maybe with some oregano spread throughout

I want a little cozy life
With a tall cozy boy
We can pick our oregano and our turnips
Cook us a stew
Peel the onions
Like the wallpaper from our little walls

I want a Polaroid camera
So I can take instant pictures that I cannot regret
That I can keep in a tin beneath my bed
Forever they will stay etched

I want to ride trains everywhere
Sitting in my seat
Glaring out at the window at the little houses
With A-frame tops
Yellowing lights
Covered in that glinting snow

Today the snowflakes looked like real flakes
Like the ones you cut out of paper
And hang on the wall of your dorm
To cover up the stains and cracks
In the yellowing paint
As is peels from the wall
Like my dream wallpaper

The wind in Buffalo makes me cry
From my right eye
My wrong one just sits and wonders
“What makes the right one so weak?
It is just a little storm,
Why can’t the right ones just hang in there?
Without drowning us in their sorrows…

Everyone I kind of have a problem with goes here/ visits here
It is nice and far
It gets all snowy and mushy

I like the tunnels
It is a kind of
Inside
Outside
Safety and Exposure
Nice and Warm
Cold and Fresh

The wind
The big dancing snowflakes
Calm hallways
Instant hot water

Dumb boys
Cute boys
Confusing boys
And of course dumb, cute, confusing boys

Squished
Amongst a bus of strangers
Closest I’ve been
Literally
Figuratively
To gentlemen

In a while

A long while

I am ready now
To not be quite so alone
To feel love

Love like
The dive pool
Deep
Warm
Dangerous
Forbidden

My toes are on the edge
To dive in
Or use the ladder

Right now all I do
Is walk back to my room.

I refuse to feel lost anymore
With my face on the milk carton
Open your goddamed eyes
And find me