Is this a blessing or is this a curse?
Is it getting better or is it getting worse?
Was that feeling real true love?
Did it come from you or did it come from above?

Was I really helped or was it money making?
Cause I am taking these meds and my mind aint shaping
Funny feelings, moods I cant control again
Am I gonna end up insane before I find my mind again

Its no ones fault, but I get the blame
******* if you think we are all the same
Treated unfair always put me to shame
I'll be better than you and you'll have yourself to blame

Why forgive and forget when someone is dead?
Rather point the finger at yourself instead

Success or fail, I am only a human being
Sometimes I wish someone could see what I am seeing
My mind is different, different than the rest
Thats why I believe that I can achieve the best

What happened to me wasn't that great at all
But Im really glad that I had that fall
Now I stand here and know what to do
Im gonna be better than all of you

Days become decades
          as rejection replaces hope;
                     she just doesn't call.

What price do we pay in the end?
for feeling love in our bones
but only hinting at it to another
like a shadow
trying to converse with its owner.
One can only shiver out loud
with the cold iron machinery of the inevitable
bundle up, carry on
and silently turn a cold shoulder to the world

I refuse to continue
  silently creeping
   through this empty forest
    with the only company being my darkest demons.

      I look down and see only a pathway,
       nothing but a never-ending grey haze

        I reach a dilemma
         as the pathway concludes.
          It dawns on me that I must change direction
           into a golden meadow of many opportunities
            or a black tunnel of nothingness,
             where I would no longer feel a thing.

I remain indecisive

There are stories hidden within wrinkles.
Laugh lines of a captivating life,
a forehead ridden with rivers of worry.

I don't bear any branded histories
and lines for you to see.
Do not spit envy at me
as it shouts to the world how
solitary my life has been.

But I have felt.
I expect my insides are lined with
crimson cracks and crevices.

I release you o' wretched beast,
Who brings decay within
My inner being,
I speak the word of truth
From the Almighty God,
Who casts out darkness
With His righteous light,
Expose me Lord!
Expose me o' mighty King!
Bring forth the light,
Expose the darkness
That dwells within,
I pray Lord that I can share myself
And your gospel,
Which is the only hope a man can have.

In all actuality, you are trying to **** me with every chance you can get.
You makes my body reject food, reject sleep…all things that can make it better.
You convince my brain of one thing, and I have to fight to do the opposite.
It’s a chore to have to shower, brush my teeth, take care of myself with you in my life.
But you know that such simple tasks are the ones that will **** you.
You tell me to give up, to just give in, that no matter how hard I try that you will still beat me.

And that is the hardest part.

You convince my brain that it wants my body to die.
But my heart, my soul doesn’t want to, it can’t.
It’s a struggle every second of my life to convince myself that what I am doing against you’re “better judgement” is really the right thing to do. But sometimes everything gets confused and that’s when I have these big break downs.
And during these breakdowns you are always winning…to the point where I am ashamed of what I’ve done.
But then I have to remind myself it was you, Depression, that let it happen.
I, Alex, had no control.
So my body is trying to **** itself one way or another and all I can do is fight back the best I can.
It’s this horrible game of tug and war that neither side is winning.
You are so exhausting.

But I’m going to beat you. I’m going to win.