Always
Until the very end
cultivating a bud that never blooms
Remembering all that I can
Feeling forces pushing in
Assessing problems without answers
Can be ruining
Can be damaging
But is addictive
Always
Until the very end
Suffering through my longing
I must be longing to suffer
Hoping in the hopeless
Hopelessly hoping
For some relief
From the pain caused by me
Constant reminders should be dulling
But despite consistency come as sharp surprises
Always
Until the very end
will I grasp this glacier
will I both hope and deny
Because how can I give up on you
when I foolishly believe
in Always

You seemed like you were going to play a lead role
But it wasn't so
And I built you the perfect niche here
Only for it to be left abandoned
But stay why don't you
Please don't disappear
Stay why don't you
I want you here
And I want to support you like the beams that keep a house from falling in
And I want to lend you a hand while I give you all these promises
But you won't let me and it's hurtful
But beyond hurting I flame up in anger
How can you refuse my help?
How can you not see that I'm here for you?
Always here for you
And then the numbness settles in
Because really all I want is for you to stay
You want to do this on your own and I'm all for independence
But remember that you're not alone
you're with me, you're with us
we're with you
So stay why don't you
Please don't disappear
Stay why don't you
I want you here
Stay
Please stay

So there I was.
I was there when you called

not that I always answered
I was there to hear your stories

not that I necessarily listened
I was there to give you love you needed

not that I loved you
Yes I was there.

but mostly I was somewhere else
My hesitation not evident enough to matter
Ignored, stowed away, hidden
The secret in the attic
Overshadowed by the excitement

Not that it was for you
Overshadowed by the thrill of novelty

Not that you were a novel concept
So here I am.
Criticizing you

Not that I expect improvement
So here I go.

If I could be anywhere right now I wouldn't be here
If I could be anywhere right now I'd be somewhere
Somewhere where beauty thrives and lives in a way
that draws out a breath of awe
from the depths of my lungs
Somewhere where excitement lights up my eyes
with an eager flip of the switch
Somewhere where I greedily take in every stimuli
without feeling an ounce of guilt
because I know it's there for me to wonder at
If I could be anywhere right now I would
I would go, I would race, I would journey, I would be anywhere
Somewhere I will open my arms to embrace life as it is
Somewhere I will cuddle into the atmosphere
as a lover cuddles into the arms of their significant other
surrounded by both comfort and safety but also by thrill
Somewhere I will not only act as my best self
but I will be my best self
my true self without holding back
If I could be anywhere right now I would be somewhere
I would be in my somewhere
Somewhere I love
Somewhere I cherish
Somewhere I belong
If I could be anywhere right now I would be there

I've never felt so dumb
You made me feel awful, awful, awful and so **** dumb
I've never felt so naive
Like a fiddle that has been played

Using me as a sort of middleman
to cause your loved one pain
Using me so sporadically
You are clearly insane

Innocent Bystander
take advantage of me
a little kindness
take advantage of me

I should have read the warning signs
There must have been an omen in the sky
How could I not hear the sirens
over your deliberate silence

Innocent Bystander
take advantage of me
what could go wrong
take advantage of me
assuming the best
take advantage of me
You took advantage of me

Words swimming, words swimming
Where are you going
How could you leave me
I thought you were my friend
Drowsy, Drowsy
Eyelids have surrendered
Then suddenly you've vanished into nothingness
I can practically feel your excitement
of not being captivating enough for me
Did you ever even care?
For so long you have been my strength
Now as I find my horizons broadening
You shrink in comparison
And I can't help but wonder
How much did I actually rely on you?
The isolation of me and you
created an illusion of need
But worry not
Despite these differences
I will never leave you
Even as the words swim

I begged for sympathy
that I didn't deserve
You didn't want to hurt me
You were prepared to give me your world
But still I blamed you
And I started hating you too
It was easier
than blaming me
It was easier than confessing my own inner faults
It was easier
for you to take the fall
than for me to admit my flaws at all
Now I do see that I wasn't true to me
I shouldn't have lied about what I wanted
I should have known that some leaps
you just don't take
But it was easier
than sitting there doing nothing
It was easier
than to wonder for so long
It was easier
for you to take the fall
than for me to admit my flaws at all
And I apologize
with sincerity for the pain I caused you
And I apologize
for not knowing myself like I thought I did
And I apologize
for treating you like you didn't deserve
but it was easier
to face you than to face what I always knew