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Apr 2015 · 878
Born In San Diego
Perhaps you don't know but I'm from-
San Diego!
Where the sun bursts in a sky of absolute blue
364 days a year
I mean, nothing's perfect
When you are born in good weather and chill attitudes
You can't help but be a beacon of happiness and optimism

So as soon as my mother struck the legs of my cradle
into the sand of sweet, sweet beach
Sun soaked into my hollow bones
Drumming laughter, laughter, laughter into my palms
And warmth lingers still on my deceptively pale skin

So that when a storm strengthens and the clouds rage and upset is on the brink
All I have to do is catch my reflection and see the yellow ring pressed around the pupils of my eyes
to know it'll all be fine
And maybe then some

Perhaps you don't know but I moved to San Francisco
to be alone
To shelter myself in all things books and tea and gorgeous grey
Here I revel in myself, in my own time
In the anonymity of fog and the beat of the city

I have logged countless thoughts on bus rides
-Like those on love and life and intelligence and how to grab the window seat away from the homeless man

Here I am alone
Not to say that I have no company but rather that I can seek seclusion with such ease and grace

Here I construct my mask
from pavement and street art
Wrap myself in my own blanket of fog
Who is she? Nobody can ask
Nobody can see me
Thank god, I can hide here


Perhaps you don't know that I dream of
Thailand
Of ripe, juicy mangoes that taste like life itself
Of bustle and confusion I can wipe off with my sweat
Of tastes my tongue has yet to meet and sounds my ear may just shrink from
but Thailand is a challenge
And so I dream of grasping dirt in my spidered hands, raising earth above my head and shouting
VICTORY

Perhaps you don't know that I dream of the world
Of smiles and laughter, Of seclusion and mystery, Of challenges and of mangoes
You see, I collect country facts like the social butterfly collects friends
I gobble them up and then spit some back out
And no matter the case
I know place is important
And that it's also not
but either way we all think one of two things
Where are my feet standing?
Where am I going next?
Apr 2014 · 834
I Wish People Were Smarter
I wish people were smarter
And even with this singular declaration you bristle
Cocked head, tense claws digging into air or  own thighs
Ready on the defense
So I prepare to have “Pretentious Snob” branded onto my forehead
The metal meeting the fore of my skull
Don't act as  you would do otherwise
I can see you dipping your tool into the fire,
Ready to reveal glowing edges
Beneath an illuminated face

But I stand by that which I have said before,
I wish people were smarter
That you would stop gossiping over her scandal
That you would instead remark on how scandals change the world so microscopically.
That you would attempt to trace the origins of gossip
That you would see the irony of wanting to know everything
about a person
if only from another mouth
But you don't even bother to entertain such ideas
And so I stand on stage alone, audience-nil

I wish people were smarter
So that when I have a new thought
Discussion and open ears sit down at my table
Rather than me waiting for the hostess to (never) call my name
Left to hear only the sound of eyes rolling in your well-oiled sockets
and a chorus of
“There she goes again”
Why do you refuse to come with me?
You are invited
And if ever there is a Bitterman, party of one
It is I, trying to discuss the concept of originality
(As in does it exist among influence)
While you chat of liking songs only for the good beat
(It's got something, I don't know what it is)

I do try.
That is to listen to incessant conversations about spats and fights
In truth they bore me so!
All with the same ending
Emotions stuck on the same unmoving clock hand
Of never change

You may have an excuse
Perhaps you find an analysis of Harold Bloom exhausting
Or write it off as too like school
Well I do like school
And thinking
And questioning
And wondering

And so I wonder
if you aren't exploring such prospects
What on earth are you doing?
It seems so mundane to act otherwise
We all seek to fight against boredom
Or so we claim
Perhaps we are in different arenas

Maybe the simplest of messages is the most clear
To face branding or to avoid:
I wish people were smarter
Feb 2014 · 868
Balance
Beaming. Positively beaming
She walks upon the beam
Silence drifts over the stadium.
She walks toward the break,
toward the hoots and the hollers
beaming.

She steps. Toe, heel. Toe, heel. Toe, heel.
Arms spread
capturing the tension,
harnessing the excitement.
She walks along the beam
toward the hoots and hollers
waiting to erupt.
She slips.

Beaming, she slips
Holding onto stage presence as she becomes absent
She falls
from the beam
upon which she walked.
Step. Step. Step.
She does not reach the hoots and the hollers.
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
Wired
My bones are outside my body
Replaced instead by a collection of wires
Electricity coursing alongside my nerves
A sloppy circuit
My limbs jolting just out of rhythm
I am wired

My heart must be beating fast
A peculiar conundrum as I can not feel the movement
within my chest
I am wired

A mile a minute, a minute a mile
My brain moves
Thoughts nearly incoherent
but still hanging on to that last strand of sense
I am wired

Shock.Beat. Thought.
Terror of stillness
of possible inefficiency
My bones gone
I will have no indication of being
I won't last
I am wired
Jan 2014 · 1.3k
Synthesize
We have the choice
To make experiences our own
So we do
Creating, fabricating, inventing
better ideals than we have

We are given the power to lie
To synthesize
What we are given
Our realities
We choose to lie

We pick out the thread of
“I wanted this all along”
Spinning and spinning it
Until we are believed

We fool ourselves, our closest companions
Into settling, compromising
And we are not to blame
The alternative?
Miserable honesty
Sufferable affirmations that yes,
“It really is that bad”

We have the choice
To be warriors
To pretend we do not hurt
To not notice we are bleeding
And while greeting the pain
Welcoming it into your home
with a hug and an opportunity to kick off its shoes
While this acknowledgment is freeing
A liberating defiance
To do so continually is overbearing
leaves you drowning in truth
and raw waves of unmet expectations

So as it is
We have a choice
To synthesize
The dirt before our feet into carpets of woven gold
To fabricate
Our own palaces within mediocre routine
To lie and create
and fight
the hand which we were dealt
With all we've got
Which isn't much
So we choose
To synthesize
Nov 2013 · 1.2k
How To Be A Parent
If ever a child should cry in front of you
Collect his tears
Scoop them up greedily as though they were rare crystals
And save them, nestled soundly in the depths of your pocket
For trust is a hot commodity

If ever a child should laugh beside you
Record the melody and transfer it onto the sleek, glossy surface of a record
It will become your favorite sound in all its rarity
Beautiful even as it skips and stutters

If ever you should notice a child lost
In the deep abyss of loneliness and solitude
Light a torch and draw out a map
So he can venture his way back into your arms

If ever you should trade these youthful crystals for swarvoski
Trade that laughter for a soundtrack of jazz
And if ever you feed a child juice on an empty stomach
So he struggles to enjoy artificial sweetness
As he realizes he is missing true nutrition

Do not be a parent
Go back in time and build a barrier
between you and your partner's willingness to build
The grandiose and admired structure of family
And if your friends are “trying for”
Make them prove that they will soon “fight for”

If ever you should
Consider
Truly consider.
Then savor
Every crystal,
every song of laughter
and every found embrace
Nov 2013 · 1.7k
I am, I require
Heat.
Heat. Heat. Heat.
I am instant flames
My sparks immediate, my smoke lasting
I do not take time nor kindle nor match
I am instant
Heat. Heat. Heat.
I am fire

I am a shapeshifter
Making transformations to suit me
The wronged I turn righteous
The hurt I turn vengeful
The incapable I turn defensive
I am a shapeshifter

I am the force in intensity
Whether as the fright in whispers
Or as the ferocity of screams
I am the danger in irrationality

I am in sorrow
I am in grief
I am in betrayal
Both prolonged and brief
I am in the happiness of others
but not in you
I am the knife in the back
stabbing all the way through


Heat.
Heat. Heat. Heat
I require air
Fuel, oxygen, life
My flames not spun from nothing
Require a start, a base

I require caring
Without it I have no reason
And I turn into apathy
I require passion
My sparks can not die out
I require strength
And thus I'm often offended
I require...

Heat.
Heat. Heat. Heat.
I am heat
I require soul
I require life
I am wrath
Nov 2013 · 1.4k
Indulgence
I believe in indulgence
In fact, I support indulgence
Tired?
Tired-sugar. Tired-coffee.Tired-nap.
Hungry?
Hungry-junk food. Hungry-big portions. Hungry-dessert.

I believe in indulgence
In pursuing the senses gifted to us
even before birth
Be grateful. Make use. Indulge.

I believe in time
In taking time, wasting time
In letting time fly
Clocks may be contained to the restrictive circle
but they never stop running that course
Be grateful. Take time. Indulge.

I believe in laughter
in smiles and passion and bliss and
not hiding who you are
And indulgence

I believe in indulgence
In fact, I support it
Aug 2013 · 1.2k
Pretending
I'm always pretending
It's the one part of youth I refuse to let go of
Holding on to it with the same grip which a child holds her mother's hand
Unaware of the firmness in my grasp

I pretend without realization
only to break suddenly from my fantasies and daydreams
In a confused daze that is reality
And wherever I may physically reside, my true home seems to be in my head

I pretend to be more than I am
I pretend to be more than I realistically can be
I pretend to be other people
To be someone I'm not

I'm always pretending
Always imagining, re-engineering, altering
I'm always pretending
and never accepting what's been given to me
Never accepting reality
Aug 2013 · 2.3k
The Heart of An Introvert
My true heart, that is the heart of my true self
faces a constant and ever-present fear
Not an earth-shattering fear
Nor a fear which induces trembles and quakes
But a fear far milder although far worse in its constant presence

My true heart, that of my true self fears people
People are hardly a reason for anxiety. I know.
I'm a person myself.
Yet their presence, their interest, their kindness
causes me to shrink back
causes me to retreat
causes me to freeze, paralyzed

My greatest hope, my true plea
is that I'll be ignored
To live in solitude and anonymity
To never be noticed

Then the taunting face of contradiction haunts me
As I fight for attention
and I wish for the greatest recognition
To be something and to be someone
but to do so in privacy
is the desire of my true heart, that of my true self
Jul 2013 · 965
Girls
Girls
Everyone has an opinion
The mothers, the fathers, the feminists and misogynists
Everyone has something to say
and will spend hours doing so without a moment's hesitation
Girls
Worth the discussion
Worth the hours of endless theories, ideologies and “proof”
Girls
Have a million songs
both praising and ridiculing in their melodic tensions
that the plain eye may not catch
Girls
They have endless quotes to describe their entity
in its purest form
Just in case they didn't know
what they were made of
Girls
are expected to be so many things
Divas, Heroines, Princesses, Goddesses
*****, *******, Primadonnas, ******
Girls
have laws made about them
enforced by themselves
in the cruelest irony
Have numerous codes to live by
Contradictory codes to live by
Girls
Worth the discussion
Worth these hours
Deny us not our femininity
The special something we possess
But exclude us not from humanity
For it is only equality that we request
Jun 2013 · 582
My Promise
I was inspired by characters
By those either too perfect or too flawed to actually exist
By those people who either were or were not
and either wanted or did not want to be
I was inspired by characters
I always have been
They taught me and I learned
They showed me and so I became
I made myself a promise
I saw the pain that could be mine
Etched on the faces of others
So I resolved to put myself first
Always
I made myself a promise
Thrill rushed through me
I was strong, I was brave
They told me that much
I made myself a promise
Marking the progress along the way, consumed with self pride
I sat and watched and thought
Assaulted by the contrasts between me and them
I made myself a promise
One that would secure happiness
And yet
No one else seemed to make a promise such as mine
My promise has been left alone
May 2013 · 2.4k
Blue Barn
I don't know just where I am
And I'm not sure just where I stand
on things like life and romance
I have some puzzles left to solve
So many questions I want to be resolved
But I know
I want to live in this pretty blue barn
I want to live with someone, to live in their arms
I want to live in this pretty blue barn
with all my paintings on the wall
So many shades are all wrapped into one
These open windows will let in the sun
The future sits on the horizon, reminiscent of a sunset
One of the most beautiful things that I've seen yet
It offers clarity without restrictions
I don't need prescription glasses to have a vision
And I want to live in this pretty blue barn
I want to live with someone, to live in their arms
I want to live in this pretty blue barn
with all my paintings on the wall
I can see you standing in my doorway
I can see you walking up the stairs
Your bright smile can decorate the front room
Your laughter echoed across the halls
Do you want to live in this pretty blue barn?
To live with me and to live in my arms?
Can't you see me living in this blue barn
with all my paintings on the wall
Let me hang my paintings on our wall
May 2013 · 1.1k
Careful Love
Careful, Love
Trust may exist but there are other obstacles at play here
And how exactly does faith compare to fate
Perhaps we'll never know
But someone's going to have to place a bet

Careful, Love
I may prove to be detrimental to your health
But I just can't seem to help myself
And there you are waiting to be that hero
Who knows maybe the cape and masked life suit you

Careful, Love
No one can support you quite like yourself
You are the key, use it
but careful, love
Don't slam the door in my face
If I am welcoming you with freshly baked cookies

Careful, Love
Move with focus and drive but not haste
I want to see you gracefully walking the tightrope
not stumbling over mere pebbles
And although I can pretend
I am not destiny
Not yours and not mine
Love, it is your choice
to live boldly
or to hold the cards close to your chest
Be careful love
but not timid
May 2013 · 892
Always
Always
Until the very end
cultivating a bud that never blooms
Remembering all that I can
Feeling forces pushing in
Assessing problems without answers
Can be ruining
Can be damaging
But is addictive
Always
Until the very end
Suffering through my longing
I must be longing to suffer
Hoping in the hopeless
Hopelessly hoping
For some relief
From the pain caused by me
Constant reminders should be dulling
But despite consistency come as sharp surprises
Always
Until the very end
will I grasp this glacier
will I both hope and deny
Because how can I give up on you
when I foolishly believe
in Always
May 2013 · 3.4k
Stay
You seemed like you were going to play a lead role
But it wasn't so
And I built you the perfect niche here
Only for it to be left abandoned
But stay why don't you
Please don't disappear
Stay why don't you
I want you here
And I want to support you like the beams that keep a house from falling in
And I want to lend you a hand while I give you all these promises
But you won't let me and it's hurtful
But beyond hurting I flame up in anger
How can you refuse my help?
How can you not see that I'm here for you?
Always here for you
And then the numbness settles in
Because really all I want is for you to stay
You want to do this on your own and I'm all for independence
But remember that you're not alone
you're with me, you're with us
we're with you
So stay why don't you
Please don't disappear
Stay why don't you
I want you here
Stay
Please stay
May 2013 · 536
Not That...
So there I was.
I was there when you called

not that I always answered
I was there to hear your stories

not that I necessarily listened
I was there to give you love you needed

not that I loved you
Yes I was there.

but mostly I was somewhere else
My hesitation not evident enough to matter
Ignored, stowed away, hidden
The secret in the attic
Overshadowed by the excitement

Not that it was for you
Overshadowed by the thrill of novelty

Not that you were a novel concept
So here I am.
Criticizing you

Not that I expect improvement
So here I go.
May 2013 · 1.0k
Somewhere
If I could be anywhere right now I wouldn't be here
If I could be anywhere right now I'd be somewhere
Somewhere where beauty thrives and lives in a way
that draws out a breath of awe
from the depths of my lungs
Somewhere where excitement lights up my eyes
with an eager flip of the switch
Somewhere where I greedily take in every stimuli
without feeling an ounce of guilt
because I know it's there for me to wonder at
If I could be anywhere right now I would
I would go, I would race, I would journey, I would be anywhere
Somewhere I will open my arms to embrace life as it is
Somewhere I will cuddle into the atmosphere
as a lover cuddles into the arms of their significant other
surrounded by both comfort and safety but also by thrill
Somewhere I will not only act as my best self
but I will be my best self
my true self without holding back
If I could be anywhere right now I would be somewhere
I would be in my somewhere
Somewhere I love
Somewhere I cherish
Somewhere I belong
If I could be anywhere right now I would be there
May 2013 · 2.9k
Innocent Bystander
I've never felt so dumb
You made me feel awful, awful, awful and so **** dumb
I've never felt so naive
Like a fiddle that has been played

Using me as a sort of middleman
to cause your loved one pain
Using me so sporadically
You are clearly insane

Innocent Bystander
take advantage of me
a little kindness
take advantage of me

I should have read the warning signs
There must have been an omen in the sky
How could I not hear the sirens
over your deliberate silence

Innocent Bystander
take advantage of me
what could go wrong
take advantage of me
assuming the best
take advantage of me
You took advantage of me
May 2013 · 664
Swimming Words
Words swimming, words swimming
Where are you going
How could you leave me
I thought you were my friend
Drowsy, Drowsy
Eyelids have surrendered
Then suddenly you've vanished into nothingness
I can practically feel your excitement
of not being captivating enough for me
Did you ever even care?
For so long you have been my strength
Now as I find my horizons broadening
You shrink in comparison
And I can't help but wonder
How much did I actually rely on you?
The isolation of me and you
created an illusion of need
But worry not
Despite these differences
I will never leave you
Even as the words swim
May 2013 · 619
It Was Easier
I begged for sympathy
that I didn't deserve
You didn't want to hurt me
You were prepared to give me your world
But still I blamed you
And I started hating you too
It was easier
than blaming me
It was easier than confessing my own inner faults
It was easier
for you to take the fall
than for me to admit my flaws at all
Now I do see that I wasn't true to me
I shouldn't have lied about what I wanted
I should have known that some leaps
you just don't take
But it was easier
than sitting there doing nothing
It was easier
than to wonder for so long
It was easier
for you to take the fall
than for me to admit my flaws at all
And I apologize
with sincerity for the pain I caused you
And I apologize
for not knowing myself like I thought I did
And I apologize
for treating you like you didn't deserve
but it was easier
to face you than to face what I always knew
May 2013 · 549
Walk Free
Walk Free
Notice the earth pressing against your feet
An embrace from mother to child
The cool air allowing you to breathe
As though it were your first breath over again
To feel the world moving around you
You are alive

Walk Free
Escape all worldly concerns
Let your limbs move loosely
Relaxed, natural, true
Shaking out the worries
Leaving only the chance to wonder

Walk Free
As if you have nothing to lose
And nothing to prove
As if you are worthwhile
As if you are special
As if you are human

Walk Free
Let the sky caress your face
Greeting it with contentment and honesty
Stretch your soul
Across the universe
As you live your life

Walk Free
As though you have never walked before
May 2013 · 555
1/10
I was scored
like a dog
As if I could be paraded around on a leash
Not that even that worked for you
Now did it?

1 out of 10
That's a pity point, I know it is
Too weird, too quiet
Did you try to get to know me
Did you try to break the shell
Of course not, why waste your breath...
I'm not pretty enough

What a duo you two are
playing the victim
playing the hurt
Only to disguise who your true identity
And that
That is what hurts
It hurt me
enraged me
consumed me until I couldn't stand it
Until it broke me

But it doesn't matter does it?
I'm not a person, I'm just a number
Not even that
I have been reduced
...to a fraction
May 2013 · 492
I'm Done With Gentle
Pause. Step back. Think.
What is desired of me?
The road signs deliberately direct me
Well if you insist
But it's in the past
A mere memory
Now I'll do what I want
I'll take the lead
I'll go with bold and brave
And I'm done with gentle
Moving forward yet looking back
Improvement seems increasingly satisfying
A resolution difficult to measure
Needs to be nevertheless
Now I'll do what I want
I'll take the lead
I'll go with bold and brave
And I'm done with gentle
The extinction of timid
The expulsion of weak
Construction of strength
Construction takes strength
Gentle has its place but no longer in me
Now I'll do what I want
I'll take the lead
I'll go with bold and brave
And I'm done with gentle
I'm done with that me
May 2013 · 988
The Lion and The Lamb
It seems to me that I can never be two
Every circumstance labeled as absolute
Black Or White
Yes Or No
But this isn't how I live
Not only do I possess my strength and courage
Not only can I be gentle and sweet
Not only do I roar across the tundra
Not only do I lay in the meadow quietly
I am not one nor am I the other
I am both the lion and the lamb
This isn't an unfortunate case of division
Yes, you could argue that I'm at war
But I'd rather live with my own opposition
That not know at all what I could live for
Not only do I roar across the tundra
Not only do I lay in the meadow quietly
I am not one nor am I the other
I am both the lion and the lamb
How can I choose sides in a world without limits
How can I deny either of my halves
One can only hope that the ends meet perfectly
One can only hope to rise after the storm
One can only hope to be who she really is
When I roar across the tundra
When I lay in the meadow quietly
I am one and the other
I am both the lino and the lamb
May 2013 · 867
Ciao Bello
Ciao Bello
You are beautiful
And I don't mean that beauty on a pedestal in a museum
lights reflecting on a glistening surface
I don't mean the orchestrated beauty
found in the media surrounding us
perfectly groomed and manipulated
I don't mean an unreachable beauty
You, bello are an honest beauty
A beauty comprised of everything
Of movement and of quiet
Of thought and of action
Of sensual darkness and of warming light

Ciao Bello
You are a mess
You are all over the place
Your mind is like a heavy steam engine train moving at full throttle
Scary, concerning, worrisome
but yes beautiful
in it's power and intensity

Ciao Bello
Your presence is infectious
Your absence nonexistent
You are always there
You are always there bello
and it is beautiful
Ciao bello, ciao
May 2013 · 668
Forget the Whispers
Forget the whispers.
Forcing their way through my ears and into my thoughts
The soldiers marching through the countryside
eager to conquest, eager only to win
Forget shared secrets, you can keep them.
I haven't the storage anyhow
And your touch- Don't touch me, don't touch me!
Do. not. touch. me.
your touch is like a restraint
Your very presence holding me back
keeping me from making strides
Limiting me to cautious steps that **** me
Forget the whispers.
We aren't special and in pretending we aren't real
I tried.  I tried to follow these rules, these guides
But I did so so religiously that I couldn't enjoy the game
From here on out I'm doing what works for me
Forget the whispers.
They aren't lasting and neither are we
So I take to the wind and it takes to me
I left you behind with the whispers
that I never wanted
May 2013 · 469
Rising Phoenix
Spark.Light. Ignite.
with one strike, one stroke it begins
Let the flames dance around me
Creating a ring, surrounding me
And it flames upward
As all the colors in the world surround me
I'm not sure where to turn because I want to see them all
Strength. Power. Beauty.Grace.
Skilled control and wild abandon merge
into something striking
To understand art but to never create
I burn the notion
Watching the blackness spread
I open my arms. Welcome whatever comes
Maybe a scorch, maybe blissful warmth
Either way I am revived
Resolved to soar. Resolved to be awe-struck
Sometimes all it takes is a little heat
to rise to the fullest height
Above the debris
But with the sparks

— The End —