Panic sets it
I've eaten today.
Numbers begin adding
Calories, bites, servings
I've eaten today.
My mind begins spinning
Disappointment in myself
A harsh mirror,
and a loving toilet
welcoming me,
telling me it will wash away all the panic
all I have to do
is
purge
so I do.

As the cold air of November beings to settle in
I feel the warmth of the happiness I once had
Being drained out of my body.
My eyes feel heavy,
I can't eat again.
My thighs are once again marked
with the expression of my sadness.
empty.
A constant roller coaster
I can't get off of,
for the past five years
I've been going straight down
with small, sharp peaks
of a temporary happiness
that always slips through my hands

nothing's the same without you
a grey cloud follows me everywhere
since you've been gone
where did you go?
"The neighbors said
she moved away.
funny how it rained all day."
Without you here
everything is wrong
the world has been ******
and we just need you back
"I'm not coming back
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak"
You're free now
an angel
free of the torture of our world
"now the rain is washing you out of my head
and out of my mind"
it was your time.
you left because you had to
"I guess I'll go home now."

People often retrace their steps
To find something they've lost.
If their keys are missing,
They think back to the last time they had them.
And then they appear
Your keys are on the nightstand, where you left them last.
But how do I retrace the steps
to find my sanity
If I can't even remember the last time I had it?

The bags under your eyes
grow darker and darker as the days pass
you insist that youre fine
I place a kiss on my forehead.
Your tired eyes are telling of the wars you fight every night
But
you're bound to crash sooner or later
so curl up by my side
intertwine your hand with mine
and rest your tired eyes

You slithered in at an awful time
I was lonely
My hands shook
Begging to be touched
So you took advantage,
You found your way into my mouth
Then slowly down to my trembling legs
You slithered right in
and stole my innocence

A whirlwind sweeps in
Things are flying everywhere
They cut you
They scratch you
They bruise you
You scream but nobody answers
You are alone in your own storm

Talking about the memories makes me think.
Not so much of the night,
But everything I did to get the night out of my head.
To remove the way you stared back
Eyes dark as the black sky
with flecks of lights
Just like the stars,
and promised you me forever.
The way I pounded my head against the kitchen floor
repeatedly, sobbing
hoping it would erase you.
The way I carved it in my skin afterward.
The way all of the words I never got to say fell out of my mouth into the toilet
And it never left.

My sadness provides me with comfort
Sick, isn't it?
It's just something that's always been there
Consistency
That's comforting to me
And as much as I want to feel the sunshine on my cheeks
And have flowers bloom within my mind
Part of me is so scared to leave my sadness behind

My hearts made of tinder
And every word you speak
Is another match ignited
Every empty glance you give me
Produces sparks
I'm highly flammable
Please stop trying to burn me to ashes

The moon and the sun
can never be one, my love.
We will always be a world apart,
but do not ever forget
the light you radiate,
from afar,
gives me life

oh medicine man,
I'm feeling blue.
What do you think I should do?
Its up to you, my medicine man
To make this feeling go away
You're feeding me pills
one after one
But I don't feel
anything.
I'm numb.
Medicine man,
what have you done?

I have come undone

Then:
My face was painted
with a cheesy smile
and I shone with the radiance
of one thousand suns
My eyes were big brown and curious
But as the years passed
My glow faded
The innocence in my face was gone
In innocence in my heart was gone
Now:
I am an empty shell of a human
And no matter what I do
I cannot remove
the disgusting stain
the world
has left
on my soul

Nobody knows how to fix a girl this broken
People walk past
And see my shattered pieces on the ground
Some look down and give me a look of sympathy
Others look and say
I wouldn't be so broken if I hadn't jumped off a ******* bridge
But what these people don't seem to grasp is
I didn't jump.
I fell.
I didn't mean to end up like this
Nobody wants to be this broken
*someone please just help me off the ******* ground

it's bitter, but it's good
you know what i mean?
Take the good with the bad,
that sort of thing.
I don't know...
Your lips are soft.

and maybe its good how much I've been hurt
'*** the next time I fall
it won't hurt half as bad.

I'm getting better, I think.
One day at a time.
But sometimes, I walk back into the dark closet
in the very back of my mind,
and let the skeletons and monsters out,
just for a second.
but sometimes, those monsters,
they have a way of taking over.
I should just stop going back there.

I've got a problem with letting go,
and with missing people.
I can't lose my grip.

I want to be your anchor,
something to ground you
but not to hold you down.

I am searching.

The hands on the clock
Swear that they're ticking.
But I don't hear a sound.

****,
Every second feels like an hour.
Yet somehow,
I still manage to lose track of time.

The last time I checked
I was hardly 16 years old
Shaking, alone,
Clenching a razor on my bedroom floor,
Pleading to god,
Pleading to anyone who would listen.
Take the pain away.
Or to just take me away.

But you see
I just looked up
And now I'm almost 20, going to college
Trying to balance the worlds weight
On my fragile shoulder blades.

I could tell you the square root of i
And what the Odyssey is all about.
What I couldn't tell you,
Is what I've done the past four years.
It's all a blur
*** the clock keeps on ticking
Producing static in my brain

The worlds spinning so fast I can hardly see

I want the dirt to bury me
6ft under.
Underneath all of the snow

Until the cold finally,
freezes over my wintergirl heart
Until its muffled "boom, boom"
Is put to a final rest
And all thats left to be heard is
The clocks hands
Tick...tock....

putting myself first is something I've never been good at.
a fragile heart too big for my chest,
filled with such love,
but not for myself.
I will tend to your wounds,
and sing you to sleep
anything you need
and nothing for me

The scars are fading
the razors gone
but the feelings are back again
they haunt you even in dreams
a sadness you can't escape
if all i think about is cutting,
am i really even recovering?

You are sugar
Sweet and pure
You are the first snowfall of winter in the dead of night
Alluring and exciting
You are a gust of wind on a hot summer day
Refreshing and relieving
You are every wonderful, and pure thing on this planet
And I,
I am not
I am angry and sinister
I am the wildfire that destroys the forests
I am a tornado leaving cities devastated
Someone like me
Does not deserve the beauty and light you bring.

Please don't look at me
You are the moon.
Beautiful and elegant
You illuminate the dark sky
And bring joy to all
and I,
I am nothing compared to the beauty you bring,
the light you give off.
I do not shed light, but rather darkness
I am not beautiful nor elegant
I am clumsy and inadequate
Please don't look at me
I'm not enough for you.

In a world full of darkness and hate
A mind full of suicide and starvation
A school full of ignorance and stereotypes
A house full of people who people who don't understand
A doctors office full of prescriptions for little blue pills
A world that was all dark for me
Until you came along
You are my ray of light.
*It is still dark, but you make it lighter.

a dizzy dreamer
stuck in a bland reality
waiting in line
to get to the next destination

where are we going again?
"i don't quite know!
But I do know we'll get there!"
I want to hop of this endless train ride
or take a detour

I need adventure
I need life again
and I need you

Some days I feel good
Like I have a chance of being normal
But then there's days like today
Where I drown in my sadness
And choke on self hatred
They tell me "recovery is a process"
And that I have to be patient
But would you tell someone
who was drowning in the ocean
to be patient and wait for rescue?

Take me away from here
I am tired, and weak.
No desire, no drive
no more sparkle in my eye.
Maybe I'll always feel this dead

today
i am a winter girl
with hands like ice
and a body temp of 20 below

today i am an anorexic
eating reluctant bite
after reluctant bite
counting each and every calorie
trying to calm my nerves

today i am a **** up daughter
who drove her car off the road
and lied to her parents saying
"someone else caused it"

not today, but every day
i am withering more and more
color fading
desire dwindling

It makes me sad that you won't read all of my writing.
I know its silly to get upset
But its part of me
It is my past
It is my present
And you refuse to accept all of it.
You refuse to see all that I feel
And that makes me sad

It's nothing new to me,
feeling out of place.
Never comfortable in my skin
How else to cope, but sin?

Just a few more sips,
that'll do the trick!
As I guzzle I look around and see
nothing but lonely empty bottles,
and lonely old empty me.

Skip this, toss that.
Avoid meals to gain control
I'll them not to worry,
even though they never do.

Another pound down, I deserve a shot

shattered glass
and satin waterfalls
mix better than you'd think

There is nothing as free and passionate as your first time
Nothing as innocent
The nervous giggles
The panicked breathing
Touching someone's body
Just to learn every bump and crater
on the surface of their warm skin
The rush of pain
The desperate moans
Nothing as intimate as your first time.

i've been alive seventeen years
and I am just now scratching the surface
of living.

bubble bubble
she boils over,
the hiss of the water
hitting a scalding hot ***.
it burns just the same as the matches
on her inner thigh that burned holes oh so long ago.
buzz buzz
just static in her head.

some call her an overboiled ***,
or a broken tv
either way,
she's useless to me

There's a really cute boy
Who's third eye glows like lightning bugs do on blissful summer nights.
His heart seems so passionate
He could use its red hot heat to light his blunts.
And his mind expansive, sea upon sea.
He's a wordsmith, and a philosopher
With a vocabulary that sort of turns me on,
And a body that does ten times more.
His unique way of thinking
Suggests interesting ***.
A body I'd love to explore
And a mind I'd love to know.
Stay around,
let's see how things go.