this
can't
be
all
there
is

It was late September
Rain poured
and I drunkenly stumbled into your arms
You spoke of how I smelt of whiskey,
And how I forgot my shoes
You laughed at my slurred words
And drunken honesty
But that was the night we spat out the truth
"I love you"

The hands on the clock are ticking
faster than I can walk.
Seasons are changing
along with my heart
A breath of fresh air was long overdue.
A whole new world, full of promise and hope,
Leaves me standing here lonely
with the same empty feeling I swore I'd escape
the second I left that god awful town.
But here I am.  Feeling quite worthless
and did I mention lonely?
Maybe the place wasn't the problem
Maybe I am.

How many times will I say I'm sorry
Before I change my ways?
I know I am wrong
But I am so quick tempered
So easily pushed
That I snap too quickly
And far too fiercely
You are so gentle
And only mean well
I am so sorry for the pain I cause you.

You're such a joyful spirit
Painted vibrant yellow
I wonder what went wrong
And where you are now?
Are you just as cheerful now?
Do you dance around the graveyard at night?
Singing loud for all the other ghost
Who roam the night restlessly?
Please tell me what you're doing
Tell me how you are.
Are you dancing in the graveyard?

I crave attention.
My whole being begs for it.
My hands tremble
my knees quake
and my lips bleed.
Can anyone hear me?
Is anyone there?
I'll stomp my feet,
I'll kick,
I'll scream,
I demand to be heard.
Someone acknowledge me
I can no longer be an invisible girl
Help

cold wind burns my cheeks
red as a rose
golden leafs dance around,
and crunch underneath my scuffed up converse
down a ***** pebble road
I look down at my shoes
and remember the past.
sometimes i resent it
other times i thank it
today I don't know how to feel
so I guess i'll keep walking

You are so special
I am so ordinary
How did you find yourself in love with me?
How could I shatter such a beautiful heart?
How many times will it replay in my mind?
I can't do this without you
I will never forgive myself
Please don't leave

I constantly have to catch my breath around you.
Weird isn't it?
After all this time,
your beauty is still too much for me
5 years of soaking you in
slowly discovering little corner of your mind
taking in your features
memorizing you.
5 years
and you still put butterflies in my tummy
and stars in my eyes
5 years
and I still have to remind myself to breathe

The leafs are turning
And so is my heart
I no longer feel as light
As I did in the summer
My being feels heavy
It drags me down
I long for skinny thighs
And your old, lustful eyes.
I'm sensing a shift
Into my old frame of mind
(Dear god, don't let it get bad)

Red
I remember the crimson glow that use to leak from my thighs
I miss it
Gray
My skin turned an awful shade of grey but it was wrapped around bones
Not fat
Pink
Little scars along my legs
They're screaming
Blue
All the pills I took to not feel so alone
I'm still lonely
Purple**
The rings around my eyes from when I couldn't sleep at all
They're still there

A steady breath
Your chest rising and falling
As we lay in a sea of purple
You let out small mumbles in your sleep
Perfection at its finest.
Dark eyelashes flutter revealing your deep eyes
A groggy "hi" and a kiss on the nose
I've found my comfort again.

I myself am a disease
Highly contagious,
And fatal to all.
I infect all the others around me
I never mean to
But its always the people I love the most,
I infect the most
I see their smiles grow less and less luminous
As days pass
Their laughter becomes dull
Their eyes become empty
I ruin people
Run while you can

It takes a lot for me to say this
Although I may
Not be better
I may not feel great
But I am alive
And I can also say
That today,
I am not going to **** myself
And that will have to be enough

"She's cured!"
Then how come my mind still screams
"You fat disgusting pig"?
And I still cringe every time I hear your name?
How come I still etch red tally marks on the top of my thighs
And, I still keep the pills
In a bottle under my dresser
And they still call my name begging me to take them
all at once with a big swing of whiskey
Why am I still counting every calorie
And drowning my sorrows with the sting of alcohol?
Is this what its like to be cured?

You and I,
We seem to gravitate
But maybe it's not because we're meant to be
Maybe it's because we're both so angry
Angry at each other
Angry at our families
Angry at our failures
Angry at the world
Both of us, so full of pain.
And maybe that's why we find ourselves together

Does a lovers love ever completely fade?
Or does one push it aside
Let the flame die down, but still glow
Try to forget all of the memories you share.
Try to forget the little things about them that stick in your brain
Like the way they loved the breakfast club
or the way they'd squeeze your hand a little tighter when they saw the cuts
Or maybe the way I'm still writing about you says "I miss you" enough?

The worlds a loathsome place
But if you close your eyes long enough
You'll drift off somewhere safe
Where there's no more acid corroding the flowers
That once bloomed in abundance
No more rain storms made from heart broken tears
That have flooded so high you can hardly even breathe
The winds that had roared screaming that
"You're worthless"
Will cease.
You can get away from these ungodly surrounding
Even if just for a second

A bottle of *****
split between two
two aching souls
looking for an escape
The room is spinning
This is where I need to be
No worries
No nothing
Absolute numbness

Perhaps the war in my mind will call got a cease fire
Maybe peace will come along,
And my brain will agree to make peace with my body
To cooperate
To eat
Never to cut again
To love every flaw
Oh perhaps there will be a cease fire

He makes my lips hurt
and my heart race
oh my god, I'm in love

Deep brown eyes
and dark shades of blue underneath
What's on your mind, my love?
What's keeping you from sleep?
I wish I could hold you all night
And save you from the wars
inside your crowded tortured mind
I wish I could hurt all the ones who have wronged you
And kiss all your wounds
To take all of the pain
and push it aside
leaving you with nothing but happiness,
the loveliest thoughts
and well rested eyes

A humid summer night
Spent underneath the stars
Head spinning
Heart fluttering
It was the start
The start to the most beautiful tragedy
Who knew that night
Would haunt me every night

The days have been passing
And no mends have been made.
The ashes are still swirling through the air
From the last war we fought,
But it seems to me
The battles always end the same
They leave a devastation that I can no longer bear
So of course:
I'll always remember your smile
Your gentle touch
And the way your words
bandaged the wounds the world had given me
But its time for me to let this go
I've found someone who not only tends to my wounds
But fully heals them,
And protects me from any other pain
I'm safe now.
I wish you the best
But it's time to let go.

I hate feeling oversensitive
Although I know I am..
But it is only because
I have a heart made of glass
Any rock thrown,
Even as small as a pebble
Could shatter it completely.
And my self worth is so tiny
You could squish it like a bug
And not even notice

im laying alone
in the same bed where we once made love.
smothered in blankets
that long for your long thin body

I look at my window
and your names still etched in
i dont have the heart to clean it.

Your ***** in a box
In my parents room-
Collecting dust
And quietly whispering
"Reminisce" softly
Down the back of my neck

why do things have to spoil?
whys the thing that hurts feel the best?
why is it that no matter what the sun and moon do
no matter how hard they try
they are a world away.

no matter what I do
I don't think I'm made for you

..and that really hurts.

I'm so scared to have my heart broken
I remember the pain I once felt
It overtook my being,
dropped weights in my stomach
sent tsunamis to my eyes
and knives into my windpipe
Then I think about how much I love you,
and it'll hurt that much more
Please don't break my fragile heart

Have you ever found home in a person?
Because cradled in your arms,
Or tucked into your chest
Is the only place that's ever felt like home to me

Falling in love is such an easy thing
It'll start with small kisses
And smiles exchanged
Then the kisses will navigate
All over the map you call your body
At the way up north
To all the way down south
You will giggle
And scream
And yell
You'll even eat candy out of each others mouths
And soon
All of these seemingly miniscule things will add up
So one day,
While he's laying next to you
Sound asleep
Don't be surprised when it hits you
This was something extravagant
Fireworks will burst in your heart
And you'll snuggle in closer
Now you've completely fallen
Your heart is no longer your own

Because you are every
good,
clean,
pure,
and wonderful thing on this planet
You let off sunshine with your smile
And I am every piece of toxic waste that fills this universe and pollutes the air that is slowly choking you
I don't deserve you

After a big winter blizzard
There's always mountains of elegant snow
Sitting calmly for others to soak in its beauty
But there is icicles hanging from our windows
They drip tears full of such sadness
Nobody says how beautiful the ice is
In comparison to the snow
So they sit on top of houses and weep all day
And eventually they cry so much
They disappear
and nobody notices
In many ways I feel like an icicle
How long until I disappear
And will you even notice

Something in me grew cold one day
Teardrop icicles hung from my cheeks
I yearned for a love to thaw out
My wintergirl heart.
I searched for love in starvation
I searched for warmth in purging
I searched for feelings in cuts
I searched for acceptance in him.
I opened my body
instead of my heart.
and nothing was changed
My heart remained cold
My body still weak
You couldn't save me
and that's okay
I'm thawing now
My suns come out
It still gets chilly
But I'm okay
(I don't know if you care)

Day after day the sun rises
Day after day the sun sets
At every sun rise,
you are my only thought
picturing you rolling over
and cradling my body
every time the sun whispers goodbye
and the moon slowly creeps up
you are on my mind
I picture you and I sitting outside
Amongst the fire flies
Whispering about life
you are every thought
and every dream
I have ever had
I love you endlessly

How could you say you love me?
If you love someone, would you leave them in a time of need?
To simply self destruct?
You didn't love me
Never in the whole of your ******* life
Did you love me.

Happiness is not something that one should have to strive for.
Happiness is not something you can give in pill form
This "happiness" you feed me,
Is not happiness at all
It's a way for my family to shut me up
and a doctor to make a couple bucks
So I swallow the pill
everyday
It doesn't make me happy
Just takes all feeling away
Take your stupid blue capsules
I no longer want them
I'd rather feel sadness
Then your ****** up version of happiness

I could lay here forever
On this old lumpy mattress
Watching your smile
Listening to you talk
You are why I breathe

excuse me, miss?
are you paying attention?
x equals this,
and y equals that.
let's try this again,
its jumbled in my head.
remember this formula,
and recall that odd rule.
miss, do you get it?
oh god you're hopeless and,
you're hard headed, my dear
you just won't learn

a friend like you is hard to come by
someone so similar to myself
yet so giving
and caring
and nurturing
a truly beautiful person
I owe you my life
I would be nowhere without you
Thank you for being my best friend

You always know what to say
I think that's one of the things I like most about you
Like when I told you I felt like an icicle
Unloved and cold
You told me icicles were your favorite when you were little
And you'd make your dad drive you around
Just to find the biggest icicles
Or the time I told you I cut myself
And you told me nothing would change the way you felt about me
Out of all your absolutely amazing qualities
This is one of the best

You may think you know my friend, Sad.
Oh yes you may
But you don't know Sad,
like I know Sad.
Sad will visit you every so often
and pull on your heart strings,
Just to remind you he's there.
But Sad and I?
Oh he's constantly with me
His hands wrapped around my neck
Whispering "This is true friendship"

On rainy days
I think of you
The rain reminds me of how gloomy I have become
And on sunny days,
I think of you
The sun reminds me of how radiant I use to be
When you were alive
I think when you left,
So did my sun
Stuck with gray hazy days
When you died
So did my happiness

I squeezed his hand harder so he wouldn't leave
I could feel his  hand breaking
Along with my heart

When the night rolls around,
It is said that lonely people are always awake
So in the middle of the night,
I sit in bed lonesome
Squeezing my pillows at 2am
Wondering where you are
And how much I would love
To be silently wrapped in the arms of a lover

One: I am born, brown eyed and screaming
Two: I am four years old, people compliment my sisters exotic green eyes. Are mine ugly?
Three: I am seven, and I am thinner than her. I win.
Four: I am eleven and I lie about my weight. I wish I was skinny.
Five: I am thirteen, refusing to eat
Six: I am fourteen and empty. I cut every inch of my body
Seven: I am fifteen and miserable. I contemplate suicide
Eight: I am sixteen and medicated. Meghan killed herself. I am bones. Am I alive?
Nine**: I am seventeen and I ache, but I am healing

missing you comes in breezes
memories reside in the back of my mind
not daring to come start replaying
because they know my fragile heart
is not ready to see what we were
and accept
what we've become
strangers
missing you comes in hail storms
rare
and painful

Not so long ago
I wandered through a forest
Thinking to myself what it'd be like to be loved
Until a tall, tanned boy
With empty black eyes
Approached me
and in the most seductive tone he asked
"Why don't you come with me?"
I hadn't had company in some time,
so
I followed him
He made my heart feel lighter
And my sorrow not so deep
My only folly was loving him too much,
when he hadn't an ounce of love in his soul
So, he left me
And I was alone

Not so long ago,
I wandered through a now lonely forest,
Full of memories of my mystery boy who had broken my heart
He'd taken my sunshine
He left me nothing but darkness
and emptiness in my heart
It hurt to laugh
It hurt to breathe
It hurt to live
and I couldn't escape it.

That is, until
a strange little boy with eyes bluer than the ocean
approached me and said in the sweetest tone
"take my hand, I'll guide you and take you to the sunshine"
So I grasped his rough hand,
and we wandered in the dark
Time had passed
And he made my laugh flow more
He provided me comfort
But still something was missing

Not so long ago,
I grew tired of the blue eyed boy
he was far too angry
and especially overbearing
he loved me too much.
and I didn't love him enough.
So I broke this boys heart,
Leaving him alone
His reacted with anger,
Spitting venom into my veins
leaving me lifeless

Not so long ago
A sweet little angel,
who was so very familiar
wandered over to me,
and he didn't say a word.
I looked at his eyes,
dark yet welcoming
and an enticing smile upon his angelic face.
He took my hand and helped me up
he ****** up the venom from my body
he kissed all of my wounds
he didn't save me from this forest,
but he joined me and kept me company
he painted the forest with vibrant colors
and filled it with the sound of his laughter
He made me a home out of this forest,
so I made him a home in my heart

Sometimes I dream I'm floating
Weightless throughout space
With this thought my heart beat steadies
It dark up here in outer space
I don't know how to get back home
but that's ok
It's cold up here in outer space
So cold it makes my skin turn grey
my hair comes out here in outer space?
Something's not adding up
It's supposed to be lovely in outer space
I’m far from home and i am cold
This isn't peace
This isn't beautiful
This is prison
This is hell
This is an eating disorder

"Please, Promise me you won't hurt yourself again"
Such an unfair things to ask
I see why you would
Because you don't understand
You just want me to be okay
But do not make me make a promise
You know I can't keep

Nostalgia is a ***** *******
It tricks you.
The past was never as great as it now seems
The boy who broke your heart was not perfect.
He was self absorbed
And always tasted like his other girl.
The night you shared was not magical.
The grass was wet
and the air was humid.
The same brand of *****
Did not taste better last time
It still stung the same and made you gag.
The sun was no brighter
The grass just as green
Nostalgia has tricked you

Lately it seems
the memories of that past
are clouding my brain.
I remember the days and nights
I spent alone in my room
Howling at the moon
Begging it to take away my sadness
as my thighs dripped crimson red
and my tiny body shivered
the chattering of my teeth is still echoing in my head