It was 3 PM on a Tuesday
in the summer, just before
my first semester of college.
I went out on a whim and
bought a cheetah print lava
lamp for forty six dollars
at some stand in the mall,
despite you persistently
advising me not to
waste money on
"insignificant ****"

The next day it rained
from 7 AM until 5 PM
and I forced you to lie
in bed with me all day,
with the curtains drawn
& the lights out.
I wanted us to observe
the weird, red
shapes forming
inside my new cheetah
print lava lamp...
Something about it
captivated me.
I never had one as a kid,
And you just sat there
holding my hand for
fifty eight minutes before
I whispered, "did you see
how pretty that one was?"

You laughed gently
and shifted your eyes
toward my dresser,
at which point
I realized
that was the very first time
you looked away from me
since we had laid down
And
with that thought,
the butterflies
woke so chaotically,
I thought I'd never
catch my breath

You told me that if I was going to hate myself... I had to hate you too. I couldn't do that. What did you mean?
-backspace

Hey! I can't get your smell out of my mouth. Your taste is in my nose. Oh wait.. that's backwards.
-backspace

You hate whenever I drink, so I just want you to know that I'm drunk.
-backspace

I just took 27 pills; I love you.
-SEND

Maybe,
if I beg you to tell me you love me,
it'll all of a sudden become true.

"You are an artist. This is what great art comes from. Maybe you're meant to suffer to create something beyond beautiful for the world."
I don't want that!
I want to be happy.
I'd give up everything that makes me special
And talented
And beautiful
Just to be happy,
Because the only reason I need
Any of it
Is to survive how sad and angry I am.
I am an artist because I don't want to **** myself.
I could have been a lawyer
Or a scientist.
I could have been anything I wanted
But I can't
Because I have to spend every moment I can
Just surviving.
And of course I love it-
It's my life raft.
Nobody wants to drown.
But would I even like any of this
If it wasn't the only thing I could do to continue living?
I don't know.
I don't
Want this.
When I get up onstage and I sing and people say
"Wow, look at the emotion she can put into it."
When I act and people marvel that I'm so raw,
When I write a poem and everyone says,
"Oh, publish it, it's so lovely!"
When I paint a picture and people say,
"I wish I had the talent to make something that beautiful."
I don't have the heart to tell them
That they are watching me fight for my life
And envying it as if it's
A gift.
I'm an artist.
I'm a prisoner.
Art is NOT my calling.
It is my answer.
The only answer I can find.

If I were a boy for a day I'd feel what it's like to be respected
I could say whatever I wanted and I'd never be corrected
I could be the boss and no one would call me a *****
Because I could be assertive and they'd call it leadership
Maybe I'd run for office and I'd probably win
'Cause they'd judge me on my skills and not the body I'm in
Maybe I'd get a job and roll around in the benefit
Of workplace inequality and other patriarchal ****
If I were a boy for a day I could run around and 'score'
And no one would call me a ***** **** or a *****
People would finally listen when I took a stand
But they don't and they won't because I'm not a man.

You call her names,
just to see her weep.
You say you know her,
yet she cries herself to sleep.

At school, she's tortured,
at home, she's abused.
You laugh at her now,
just for you to be amused.

Bumps and bruises,
Blue and black.
While you laugh,
she starts to crack.

The principle walks in,
the day she's not there.
Saying she killed herself,
now your filled with despair.

It's your fault,
you did this to her.
You caused her to do this,
The pains' growing richer and richer.

Have you learned your lesson?
The guilt is fading in.
She's gone now,
Feeling the worst you've ever been.

She was crushed,
You are too.
She was hurt,
Too bad "she" was you.

It's broken you know,
My heart, my life, my soul
I knew another
Could never love me
The way I loved you

But what are lovers long lost?
What are shadows in the dark?
What is it like
To dig a hole in the emptiness
Of yesterday?

You play me like a fiddle
And I let you
I let you
Pull me apart

Like it was nothing.

Well, maybe it is..
I'm hollow now
I gave you everything
But the skin off my back

And still you crave
Every inch of me
Until every breath
In my lungs
Once belonged to you

How can I ever be myself
If you caged me in hell?
How can I ever move on
With my veins knotted
Around yours?

How?

How can I ever get this bitter taste
Of loneliness out of my mouth
If you keep walking away?


I kissed the Devil's lips once
And he tasted sweeter than you.