Amidst all the chaos
In my mind

There’s one phrase
I keep coming back to

“I’m so lucky
To have loved you”

I remember
Our first valetine’s day

We weren’t quite together yet
But we split an ice cream

You wore a denim button-up
And maroon pants

You looked good

You were telling some story
I don’t even remember about what

But I remember thinking to myself
“I could listen to this boy talk forever”

Now I don’t know if I’ll get the chance
And thinking about that makes it hard to breathe

But what I do know for certain
Is you were my first love
You are forever my first love
And I will always love you

It’s almost like
The very act of us falling apart
Is what let me see you clearly
For the first time in a long time

There in the rubble lay
What I doubted and pined for
What I ran myself into circles looking for
Pure, golden love

In some sick way
I enjoy the pain
I welcome it

Because that means that what we had was real
And that it’s not over
That you’re still here

I so badly want
You to be the one
To make this feel better

But I guess this time
(and the next time, and the next)
It’s got to be me

Nobody tells you
That you won’t be able to listen to music
Because it’s all insensitively about love
Or unbearably true to your pain

Nobody tells you
That you’ll lose control over your mind
Because every last little thing will remind you of him
So you’ll have to fight through each moment just to be okay

Nobody tells you
That your body will feel cold
That you’ll tremble
And ache

And nobody tells you
That sometimes you’ll feel fine
And that those moments are the scariest of all
Because that feels like you’re losing them
All over again

God, I hope
I didn’t make a mistake