i don't write haikus
but i love their simplicity

i messed it up

Sometimes I feel guilty for writing about me
"I this, I that..."
It makes me feel selfish.

But why?
Writing about how I feel helps me understand myself
So why does this make me feel uncomfortable?

I think that I feel obligated to write about something more worthwhile
and valuable

But I need to start believing that I am a worthy enough subject.

I am confused and uncomfortable right now
But I am on my way towards being able to say,
"I"
with confidence.

The storm has passed

Where's the rainbow?
Aren't I supposed to feel
new?

I feel shaken.

I can smell the salty tears on my pillow

It's damp on my cheek

How can I sleep now?

When I was young
I was carefree
And I spoke all that was on my mind.
My brother laughed,
My parents smiled
I was happy in a world that was kind.

When I first went to school
I had a big smile
And I was totally, completely me.
But a few quizzical looks
And a few snide remarks
Made me question who I should be.

When I grew a little older
I had a shy smile
I had decided to keep my thoughts to myself.
I kept my head down
The others passed me by
It had been a success, I felt.

When I  turned fifteen
I kept the smile on my face
But I also kept my thoughts inside.
When people talked to me
I felt afraid
I didn’t know how to reply.

Here I am now
I’m still happy, still me.
But I remember- my thoughts can’t be spoken.
So now I think and think
To come up with the right words
But often I settle for none.

He took a turn for the worse.
Unconscious,
Barely holding on.
It did not seem real
It could not be real.
I said a prayer,
I sent my love,
And I hoped with all my heart.
By some miracle, his eyes opened.
He was greeted with love and care
His tired lips broke into a peaceful smile,
And he sang a love song to his age-old lover.
When finally, his eyes closed once more,
Completely content,
Ready to go.

I always feel torn-
Sometimes I get these glimpses
Of something complex,
And real,
And intense,
And hard to understand.
I can see it for a moment

And I can see it through words.
Have you ever read a book that made you feel…
Awe?
It made you feel like you saw something new,
Like you were shown something amazing,
Like everything has changed.

And I can see it through art.
Have you ever heard or seen something,
That literally took your breath away
Or brought you to tears?
It made you think,
It made you understand that great perhaps
At least for a moment.

And I can see it through other people.
Have you ever been doing something,
Then felt overcome by love?
Or grief?
Or happiness?
People contain this complex reality.
People are this complex reality.

But like sand in my fingertips,
It falls away as soon as I get a hold on it.
I can’t hold onto it for too long.
Distractions are everywhere
And we are living on the surface.
But there is more.
I have seen it, and I know it is there.
How do I put this?
As a great writer once said,
“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”
How can I say something I do not understand?
I’ll keep trying.