How did I get here?
What did I do?
Tell me it can't be true!
I decided on chemical happiness,
but I didn't think it through.

I didn't think I would survive,
let alone be able to thrive,
without some sort of pill
to drag me up this hill.

I've been stuck at the bottom too long,
and I thought that I could be strong,
but now it turns out I was wrong,
because I guess I just don't belong.

I tried to call you for help,
I was doing the best I could,
but the only thing you got from that,
was that you never do me any good.

You know,
that pushed me down farther,
you knocked me down with your words.
"You should have been able to cope..."
You said,
and I replied,
"I'd be better off dead."

So from here on out,
I'm all alone,
and I don't know what to do.
These pills, they take a toll on me,
but I guess I should thank you.

Thank you for your words of hatred,
they showed me how to love,
and thank you for your acts of violence,
I fight well, and that's what I'm proud of.

I can hold my own against you now,
but I can't win against myself.
These pills destroy unwanted thoughts,
but those thoughts were my morals,
now placed on a shelf.

When my heart beat fades away,
will my wings unfold?

When my eyes close,
will your heart turn colder?

Did you know that I had,
no one but you?

Did you know the ghosts chased me?
Will I be just like them,

when my wings unfold?

Hidden under a veil of snow,
will your heart turn colder?

Hidden under a veil of snow,
will my ghost become older?

Nothing but a cold, faded memory,
lying amidst fragile angels

of ice and snow
and long forgotten sorrow.

Will my wings unfold?
Or will your heart become cold?

When my eyes close,
and my heart slows,
only the angels will know.

Depression
holds you with an iron grip;
one so unrelenting,
and so cold to the touch,
that it dulls even the warmest of feelings.

Depression
steals all joy from the moments,
you wish you could re-live,
because you never came
to fully appreciate the life you live.

Depression
tries to stop you,
from getting away,
from loving,
from smiling,
from living.

But Depression,
is not terminal,
is not unmanageable,
is not forever.

Depression
is something you can beat,
and your scars will forever be trophies;
a reminder of what you've survived.

I'm sitting here
in constant fear
of events
that are to come.

Warning signs
ring clear as chimes
and my body's going numb.

There's darkness at the edges,
of my vision
and my mind.

And this darkness truly comes for me
to take me home this time.

"You've been running for too long"
it says
"just stop and take a break."

but I know its just a ploy;
my living soul's at stake.

So I run.

I'm running through a labyrinth,
full of broken bones.
Following a winding path
full of empty homes.

I recognize these places;
they're from my recent past.
They're people who have helped me,
but they left me pretty fast.

I have no one else to turn to.
and no where else to go,
so why do I keep running?
My feet, they start to slow.

I've come upon the end
of this horrid maze of bones,
and here's to my efforts:
I have nothing to show;

except my scars.

Hate
is an inaccurate word.
I want you to *die.

What have I done to deserve
to lose my guiding light?
It's harder now than ever,
every day's a constant fight.

I'll never get to see you,
to thank you for all you've done.
I'll never get to meet you,
my brightly shining sun.

Your words have got me this far,
you've pushed me down this road,
and I don't feel like I've ever
owed as much as I do owe,

I owe you for your courage,
your strength to hold me tall
despite being on edge,
always about to fall.

I don't think many knew that,
you kept it in quite well.
Only once or twice it seems;
that's all you ever fell.

But in the end it's anger.
It consumes us all.
Anger is the one to blame;
the one to make you fall.

You never should have been there,
on that fateful night,
when you flew across the pavement,
flung far from your bike.

You never should have been there,
she begged you not to go.
But instead you took the low road,
but instead; you said no.

What was on your mind?
Did you know it would be your last?
Your last thoughts as a human,
and they were racing fast.

Why couldn't you slow down?
Why didn't you go home?
You were drunk and you knew it!
You didn't have to roam.

You should have stopped to think,
about your daughter and your wife.
You should have stopped to think
about your very life.

You were more than just one person,
you were an idol, proud and tall.
But you were more than just an icon;
you were a friend to all.

A friend in times of need,
in times of darkness and despair,
a friend in times of tragedy;
someone who's always there.

Now I'll never get to thank you...
but we all make mistakes.
It just ***** that we're so fragile
that one choice is all it takes.

All it takes to end a life,
whose voice reached across all Nations.
All it takes to end a life
with many dreams and aspirations.

But in the end,
there's a reminder.
Your voice; it still lives on.

In the end,
you are still with us.
You'll never be truly gone.

Because your words were filled with power;
screamed from an aching heart,
your words have changed the world,
and this is just the start.

I know it's scary,
but everything will be alright.

These words mean so much,
that you're still my guiding light.

From the 24th floor
Everything seems so...
Insignificant.

I poke my head out the screenless window
And feel the intense rush of air
That steals the breath from my lungs
Like our first kiss did.

Life has gotten harder since then.
I feel like even the slightest of pressure
Will cave in my soul
And loosen my resistance to that screenless window.

I sat on the ledge today.
I contemplated it when you left for school.
I let my legs hang free from almost the top
Of the tallest building east of Montreal.

I long for that rush of air
The inability to breathe
As your body plummets to the ground
At terminal velocity.

I want to feel the adrenaline in my veins
As I kick off the wall
And let my worries fly away
As I descend into the arms of sorrow.

I dreamt of it the first night here.
I felt my entire body disintegrate
Under the weight of the world
As I crashed into the pavement...

And I can't help but wonder
If I'll actually witness the separation of my soul from my body
And watch my fractured frame bleed out on the ground
Like I did when I was dreaming.

I can only imagine how free I would finally feel
Released fully into the arms of sorrow
And letting that embrace take me away from all the pain
Forevermore.

Living in your shadow is worse than hell!
I'm so *******, can you not tell?!
I hide from you everyday,
because I just want you to go away...

I'm sick of my parents talking about you.
I'm sick of all the praise they give you.
I'm so sorry that I can't compare to you,
but I thought parents were supposed to love me too?

Well mom, it's  obvious that you don't care,
I got that from all the times you weren't there.
All the time you spend showing off my brother,
It makes me sick to call you my mother.

Dad, don't worry, you get a punch too.
For all the ******* you've put me through.
"Work harder, like your brother!"
Is what you tell me to do,
but I don't think I want to be like any of you.

Priests are a plague,
whispering of false Deities;
that tear us apart.

Christianity teaches you to hate;
thyself, thy neighbor,
and thine own world.

and you still go to Hell.

Christianity is a Plague,
preaching to us about
a pathetic excuse of a God,
who gave us free will,
and now hates us for having it.

Christianity is a Plague,
preaching to us how we should
feel
act
worship.
How we should
forgive
forget
and repent.

No matter what,
Christianity is a Plague
whose morals preach nothing but self hatred.

Christianity teaches you;
You cannot be happy without God.
You are nothing without God.
No matter how much you try to appease God;
You can't.
No matter how hard you try to be devout,
you cannot accomplish it.

Christianity teaches us,
that when we die,
Hell is inevitable,
unless you're a Saint.

Christianity teaches us,
that everything we do is bad,
we are incapable of good,
we are all ******.

Unless we give up everything that makes us Human,
God shuns you and Damns you and doesn't look back,
because we are sinners.

Christianity teaches us that we are sinners,
we are nothing but sinners,
and we have to hate all sinners.

So why does no one see,
that we waste our money,
on a Pious Plague,
instead of spending
on something that can actually make a difference in the world.

So much
hate
despair
war
famine
lies
hurt
and malice

could have been avoided,
if we actually spent time
trying to fix things
instead of trying to believe in someone
who clearly doesn't give a **** about us.

The sun breaks through a dark gray cloud,
I’m standing in the rays.
And while it’s there I realize,
I haven’t seen the sun in days...
I wonder just how long it’s been,
since I’ve been in this maze.
The happy times have passed me by,
I’m stuck within this haze.

Each time I try to find the lie,
it all comes back to me.
Through every single happy time,
and every memory...
And even though I try so hard,
I really can’t believe,
who are you, what have you done?
It’s not like you to leave!

So here I am I’m back again,
Still walking through this maze.
With every single step I take
I’m still caught in the haze...
...and I fear it’s getting darker,
the sun is blinking out!
Someone has to find me here,
I know they’ll get me out.

I know that it’s too much to wish,
to just go back in time.
If I had known I’d lose myself,
I’d never call you mine.
It seemed so good, you stayed around,
but now I think you’ll find...
we were two kids just having fun,
and we know kids are blind.

So here I say I’ll know one day,
what it means to love.
I held you on a pedestal,
you were so high above.
But who could ever really know,
what it means to love?
I guess when I escape this maze,
I’ll know what they speak of.

I don't even know where I went so wrong,
but all I know is that it's been so long
since I've been able to get out of this mist
it seems that I just can't coexist

with depression.

Depression's like a fog
that comes rolling in
and it turns into a bog
and ***** me in.

I'm up to my neck
with pain,
everyday.
There isn't one single way
to get away.

It stalks you
in every corner of your life.
And the only way to handle it
is with a ******* knife.

But that's not a solution.
It's temporary respite,
from not feeling down
and crying all night.

It's like a warm gentle sigh
that releases the hurt,
but in the end I realize,
I'm still face down in the dirt.

I can't keep going on this way,
the pain is just too much.
And drugs don't help in any way,
they're not even a crutch.

Antidepressants feel like,
they take my life away.
I no longer feel happiness,
or can react in any way.

They fill my head with nothings!
So why does the label say:
"Used to help depression,
and help you feel okay."

I feel like I don't exist!
Much less a human being!
I look into the mirror
and can't believe what I'm seeing.

I don't recognize my face,
my body or my hands
I just walk around because
that's what they demand.

Am I going crazy?
I don't even know.
even if I was,
my body couldn't tell me so.

I just don't know what to do,
what to say,
or who to talk to.

But I know I'll find a way,
if someone could tell me I'm okay.

She wrote love on her arms
with blood and ink
and watched her life
flow into the sink.

She didn't care,
no one was there
to help her see
the world's beauty.

She tried so hard to fake a smile
she tried so hard to walk that mile
to try to reach out for help,
but she decided to be alone for a while.

That's no good.

The walls constrict around her heart
and her veins constrict around her soul,
and the more her skin came apart
the more she seemed to fall into the hole.

She tried so hard to get back up,
but her walls had finally broken.
Too many people tore her down,
with the unkind words they'd spoken.

She was filled with so much hate,
she just couldn't survive in this world.
So she wrote love on her arms,
and watched as death unfurled.

Can nothing release me
from your shadow,
that I live in?

Can nothing warm my heart
and my soul?

I search within myself,
and find nothing
but self hatred.

And a longing
to cut out the parts of me
that I hate.

Your shadow engulfs me;
is there no escape?

Í tykja til hava hvørva mín harvið.
Samalt, Í hygga mín spegling.
Her speiliga!
Dára mín doyggja mannasál,
mín mannasál um stendur á egg av sorl.
Skulu tú bjarga meg?

~Translation~

I seem to have lost my way.
Alone, I see my reflection.
It mocks me!
Captivating my dying soul,
my soul that stands on edge of breaking.
Will you save me?

Lost in a whirlwind of total confusion,
I don't understand, is this an illusion?
I groggily drag myself to a mirror,
and wait for my reflection to get clearer.

Explosions of sound go off in my head,
strange images appear in shades of red,
my reflection instills a feeling of dread
as I drag myself off to bed.

There's needles pricking at my skin,
as creatures squirm around within;
the confines of my mind are breached,
hysteria has been reached.

I claw at my skin to subdue the needles,
I scream as my room is filled with beetles,
inside I know this is all an illusion,
but my brain refuses that conclusion.

The air in my lungs feels like fire,
I feel I'm drowning as I perspire,
but as quick as the onset,
the effects expire,
and I'm left to ponder,
what the hell just transpired!?

I'm ****** if I do
and I'm ****** if I don't,
what I'm about to say,
well,
don't think I won't...

Don't think I won't have the strength to go on,
because it's all in your perspective.
Don't think I won't have the courage to stand strong,
in the face of all my Demons.
Don't think I won't have the Mentality to know,
when someone's trying to break me.
Don't tell me I won't have the Will to fight,
when I'm faced with life or death.

Sometimes I know
that I feel so weak,
that I think it's time to end it.
But that's because,
I live in a house,
that would love to see me quit.

I won't let them.

We've been watching the clocks collapse,
watching time slip away so fast.
I don't know how much time must pass,
before the scars heal at last.

The pitter-patter of tiny tears,
clearly showing all your fears,
dancing on your cheeks at night,
I see it in the moonlight.

I don't know how to help you now,
you have gotten lost somehow.
It seems that you're too far away,
for me to help you live today.

I know you think you're so alone,
you're screaming but there's no one home,
but I'll be there for you, I swear,
I'll help you out of your despair.

I fell down again today,
I thought I was done for sure.
All the pain and sadness,
dropped me straight to the floor.

I felt like a ******* brick,
made of lead,
tied to an anchor;
and someone decided
to drop me,
into a sea of misery.

I thought for sure
"I can't do this,
I can't take it anymore."

But I swear to god,
I heard your voice,
and I got up off the floor.

I swear,
you were there,
and the weight lifted once more.
I know,
you were there;
it didn't hurt anymore.

Thank you.

A start
with no end.
A promise
with no truth.
The end
is certain.
It always comes
around.

I need help.
I'm so lost.
Life has me so weighed down
that I don't know
up from down
or left from right.
My words get stuck in my throat and
every day is a constant fight
that I just
cant
seem
to win.

I'll always wear a smile,
When you choose to push me down,
I'll always wear a smile,
When you go to let me drown,
I'll always wear a smile,
When I cant stand on my feet,
And I'll always wear a smile,
When I truly face defeat.

Because some people say,
That when you lose it all,
Theres nothing left to live for,
And that drives me up the wall.
Cuz I don't believe its true,
Because I've really had my share,
So what you have to realise,
Is your friends are always there.

Cuz I've been down,
And I've been low,
But I dont think you really know,
Cuz when I ask you what you think,
All you do is ******* blink.

The fights, the lies,
The wins, the ties,
The deaths, The survivals,
The killers, the rivals.
Wheither its fighting off cancer,
Or just a skinned knee,
There's always an answer,
You just need to see.

My band made it far,
Further than the rest,
We won it all,
And passed the test.
But trials soon followed,
When they went to italy,
One of us was killed that day,
That one of us was part of me.

It started on my birthday,
What a great surprise,
I prayed for him that night,
I hope he never dies.
But it looks like I was wrong,
Because when all the months had passed,
My birthday came around again,
And that evil spell was cast.
I wish he had've woken up,
A coma wasnt the way to go,
It would've been less painful,
Had I chose to just let him know.
That night I'll never forget,
That brutal way he died,
He had finally awakened,
When the glass cut through his eyes.
As he tore through the windshield,
And bled out upon the ground,
The car kept going,
Leaving nothing but a sound.

I lost a dear friend that day,
I loved him with my life,
My heart was torn apart you see,
I couldnt stand the fight.
Then eventually it hit me,
And the name just made me cry,
But reflecting back upon this,
I wish I had known why.
So for one year I struggled,
And one year I fought,
For one year I kept my hope,
My heart was so distraught.
But the more I thought,
And the more I listened,
The dreams I had,
Would only glisten.
It was then I realised,
What was going on.
And he was in a better place,
His sufferring was gone.

So when you think you've lost it all,
Just give me a second thought.
When your loved one breaks your heart,
Dont let it all become distraught.
Cuz the more you worry,
The more you doubt,
And the more you lose
To what this life's about.
Cuz I've had it to.
MY heart's still broken.
But the way to live a life,
Is to never stop hopin'.

Today I was killed,
Murdered by the wind,
no longer breathing,
torn from my skin.
As I stood in the field,
Grasping for the clouds,
The wind tore through me,
as I screamed aloud.
No longer hated,
No longer loved,
killed from the winds,
sent from above.
For as I stood there,
I saw your face,
you mocked me, taunted me,
I was bound in place
Death is near,
But I feel no pain,
no longer torn from my love again.
So leave me be,
as I bleed it all out,
just let me lie here,
to create my drought.
Your love is like a killwind,
tearing at my skin,
its so abusing,
and spiteful within.
So I reached for the heavens,
And you let me down,
so now its your turn,
To be lead on and frown.
But today I was saved,
my arms stretched open,
you helped me through it all,
and you never stopped hopin'
You took away my sorrow,
and gave me hope,
to forget all my past,
and help me cope.
I'm not alone,
I was saved today,
he cradled my body,
and carried me away.
Swift through the rain,
and as the bitter wind blew,
you whispered in my ear,
For always; me and you.

9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes.
What did you really expect would happen in that time?
You had that much time to explain to me,
why you did the things that you did,
and why you left me stranded so suddenly,
with no explanation, and me thinking it was my fault.

So why today?

Why choose today,
to look me in the eyes and say
"Hello."

That one simple word,
struck me down like a lightning bolt,
and tossed me aside like I was nothing but ash.

I'm so confused.
But I'm sure that's what you're trying to do.

You'll follow me around today,
and every single word you say,
will be a lie.

You had 9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes,
to say what was on your mind.
To put my mind at rest.

But you didn't.

You sat around and watched me transform,
into this horrible f*cking shell of my former self.
And it's all thanks to you,
and your enjoyment in watching me suffer.

You had 9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes.

And I won't be wasting one more second with trusting you ever again.

In my life I’ve made some choices,
I’ve shut out the harmful voices;
of people who will tear me down,
and people who won’t be around.

I’ve shut my eyes to not go blind,
I see their hearts within my mind;
For eyes cannot begin to see,
what people have in store for me.

I’ve tried so hard to understand,
why things don’t go the way I’ve planned,
and now I have begun to see,
with heart and soul, it’s clear to me.

Sometimes I find I’m trapped inside,
a world that I’ve begun to hate.
the screaming masses are too much,
for me, alone, to have to take...

There was someone who I held dear,
he made my future bright and clear,
But somewhere we got lost in time
and he had left me far behind.

Ever since that cold December,
It’s been too hard to remember,
how long I’ve frozen in this place;
this pain is too much to erase!

I loathe the day, my heart does too;
cuz I just can’t stop missing you.
The day shines light on all my pain,
and I just can’t survive this way!

It’s even harder, just because,
this isn’t what I thought it was.
I thought you’d come around by now...
I guess I ruined your life somehow.

But that’s not really fair to think!
I know that there’s a missing link...
you left me in the dark so long,
that I don’t even know what’s wrong!

My body’s so messed up right now,
I need to get away somehow,
I can’t keep going on like this!
I’ve fallen down to the abyss.

I can’t believe that what I see,
really used to belong to me!
Your heart is now a stone cold rock,
to me, it came as such a shock...

I never saw this coming, but,
your heart had never fully shut.
So I thought I’d be fine for now,
that we could get along somehow.

But now it looks like I’m dead wrong,
and now I see you’re really gone.
Well, maybe I will heal someday.
But now that seems so far away.

I feel my body losing control.
I'm losing sight of who I am.
I know what I'm becoming.
I've been here before.

I need to get away from the feeling;
the intense despair of being,
so, completely and utterly
alone.

I'm not alone anymore.
Why do I feel like this?
The waves of intense agony,
flowing through my system,
through the hole you left in my heart.

But the hole is slowly filling,
no matter how many times I lapse.
Because I know someone is there,
When I feel like I'll collapse.

Just recounting the tales,
of my hardships,
my loss, my love.
Has opened the hole again;
for new pain to flush out my system,
of the happy memories I'm trying to make.

I'm trying.
So hard.
To let you go.

I don't know who you are anymore.
That's why it hurts so much,
I thought you were my friend.

But instead,
you pulled me into the deep end,
and let me go.
Knowing I was unable to swim.

I kicked until I had no energy.
I screamed until my lungs were numb.
And still you just watched in cruel delight,
waiting for me to sink to the bottom.

But you don't know me anymore.

Pulled from the deep,
the day that I found you.
Pulled from the deep,
the day that our love grew.
Pulled from the deep,
but my past will not undo.

But I know I can escape the pain.
With your arms there to shield me,
I won't hurt again.

(This was just kind of something new I was trying...just kinda writing down the things going on in my head without really planning it out. Feedback? Opinions?)

A blood donor clinic.

The smell of all the blood in the air makes me sick.
It brings me back to the time,
where blood flowed freely down my arms;
when blood stained the wristbands that I wore,
to try to hide my pain from the rest of the world,
because I told myself I would never be as stupid as any of them.

But I was.

The smell makes me so dizzy,
the floor comes up to swallow me whole,
but I have the common sense to run.

Far away.

I run to the bathroom,
and all I can feel is the shuddering of my body
as I'm huddled in a corner;
being bombarded by images of a darker time;
images of my Crimson Decision.

I will never forget that day.
I thought I was going to give up on everything,
because everything had given up on me.
I'm glad it didn't turn out that way,
I'm glad I had the common sense to stop.

There's no way I'm letting the world have the satisfaction of seeing me like this.

But every once in a while,
I fall back into my crimson state;
where my body shudders and shakes,
and my mind falls inwards,
dragging my feelings to one central point,
where hell is begging for my soul.

A blood donor clinic.

The smell of all the blood in the air makes me sick.
I could bleed you a pint faster than that puny needle could get,
but I have the common sense,
to re-think my Crimson Decision.

White noise.
It's all that's left now.
The constant thrumming of sound,
washing through my veins,
easing it's way into my mind.
There's no feeling left at all,
Is there?
Because if there is,
I certainly can't find it.

Trapped in my own mind,
the pounding in my ears,
sounds like sand,
sliding through my veins,
weighing me down even more,
than I was before.

Was this even a good idea?
The color of this room drives me crazy.

White.
White walls.
White floor.
White door.
And that stupid fluorescent white light.

That one light keeps looking at me,
it just watches me.
It's constantly reflecting off my pale skin,
prodding it's way through my bright blue eyes,
to poke at the back of my brain.
Why does it have to be so bright?
Why does it have to be so...white.

It's like this entire room was built to watch me fall apart within it.
To constantly reflect my pain upon it's walls.
To beg me to stain it with the colors of my insides.

Red.

Red is what I see.
Hiding my eyes under my hair,
I see red.
The white light is forced to shift it's hue for me,
as I gaze upon it through my spider web of thought.
No one knows what I hide behind my eyes.
No one knows how hard it is to refrain from painting this room.
To cover up the white with red,
and to rid myself of the constant colorless noise.

Like a poison fog,
creeping around the edges of my vision
this is the final stand.

I know if I get lost
wandering around in this stark nothingness.
I will not come out.

I know if the sadness takes hold,
this time,
the damage will be permanent.

I'm sick and tired of the fighting.
And of fighting battles.
that I can't win.

I miss you.
More than I've missed anything
in my entire life.

Why did you go,
when I needed you most?
When I needed
your reassurance,
that life will not take me
to more dark places.

How do you let go of the dead,
when they're still fully alive,
in our hearts?

I'm so scared of how you'll treat me,
when you find out about this game I'm playing.
You thought you had me all figured out,
but I guess I'm just good at wearing a fake smile.

I don't know how you'll react,
when you see how much you were wrong,
when you find out I was  broken from the start,
how I've  been suffering for so long.

But now, I need help.
I can't take it anymore.
And I'm so scared of how you'll react,
when you find me on the floor.

I feel like I should save you,
because I've been there,
because I've done that.

But who am I to save you?
can't even save myself,
and I hate that.

I feel as though I know you;
because I feel like you're a mirror.
I'm staring at myself;
my reflection's getting clearer.

Knife

On the table

Run out to the balcony

Caged in

Need to jump

Struggle, claw, yell

Boyfriend says: are you okay?

Inhale

Exhale

I'm fine, I say.

Smile

Nod

Walk away.

Please ******* help me.

I'll jump from this 24th floor.

I love you so much...

You won't even hear me hit the ground.

You asked me **one time,
why I liked the stars so much,
and I didn't really have an answer for you.
But now I do.
I like the stars because,
we're really seeing the past,
and it seems to me that I liked my past
more than I'm going to like my future.

One thousand times
Has the knife kissed my skin
So many times
After I said I wouldn't give in.

One thousand times
Have I allowed myself
To cry crimson tears
To hide my fears.

You would think
After a while
Cutting wouldn't help anymore.
But it turns out
I cut more every time
To the point I can't stop.

One thousand times I have failed myself.
But that's one thousand times I could have taken my life.

And I didn't.

I may have failed myself,
But I still have time to turn around
And right one thousand wrongs.

Dazed
Confused
Zone out
What the **** is that sound?

That buzzing
So insistent in my ears
Like a parasite
Feeding on my ******* fears.

I hear it when I'm drunk
That buzzing
That leering sound
Makes me want to carve out

The parts of me that I hate.

How do you stop
The only thing
That makes you feel
Sane? Or anything at all
For that matter.

I try so hard to ignore the tug
But this buzzing is invading my highs.
The only thing that used to keep me feeling okay.

One year today.
It's been one year,
since you decided,
to leave 4 years behind us.

There's still a place for you,
here in my heart.
Because I miss you.
And I don't understand,
why you left.

Our cultures are different,
I know that.
But did you really have to take it this far?
Because one year later,
my heart still aches,
every single time,
that I hear a witty remark.

In my mind I think
"Sanish would say that."
Because you would.
Your witty remarks,
kept me on edge,
and kept me happy.
Always wondering,
what would happen next.

What will happen next?

Will you continue your life without me?
Because that, I cannot bare.
There's not a day that goes by,
that I don't think about you.

Remember, when we used to look at the stars?
You would ask me,
if I thought that we're looking at the same ones.
And I think we were.
But somewhere,
I think you lost them.

I still laugh at our stupid jokes,
I still cry thinking about our stupid fights.
I still remember the promises we made,
I still remember you saying that it's alright.

I still don't even understand,
why you insulted me the way you did.
Crushing our dreams was so easy for you,
I can't even believe it, who knew?

You were like a brother to me,
best friends until the end.
I think that's why it hurts so much,
I thought that we were friends.

The nights continue on so slow,
as I search the nighttime sky.
It gives me time to think about,
why I even try.

I

feel

like

I

break

every

*******

thing

I

touch.

Let the rain fall down,
let it wipe away the pain,
then pick yourself up.

Lost in a time so cruel and vile,
I've tasted the sting of your razor blade smile.
Crawling across my skin like a snake,
I need the pain to keep me awake...

Because I know, if I dream tonight,
All my thoughts, they will ignite.
I don't know if I'll be alright,
but I still have the will to fight.