Wipe the pain away,
and don't lose your will to fight,
you will be just fine.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
Bitter disappointment
staring back at me.

It seems no matter
what I do,
I just can't seem
to get through to you.

I'm clawing away
at what's left of me.
and people won't let
the pieces be.

I shed those pieces for a reason.
I'm sick of being stuck in this rainy season.
Walking around with a cloud above my head.
Sometimes I think I'd much rather be dead.

Sometimes...

A shooting star,
falls from the skies,
through the mist,
clear to the eyes,
make a wish,
as it plummets to the ground,
smoke,
surrounding it,
floats all around,
hear the sound,
of it hitting the barren earth,
make a wish,
for all that it's worth.

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone insists I live in your shadow.
I need to be more to the likeness of you,
apparently.
I don't like that idea.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong.
I need to be more to the likeness of everyone else to fit in,
apparently.
I scream because no one has the guts to stand up for them self.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because there's too many people telling lies behind my back.
I need to stop doing drugs,
apparently.
I didn't know I was doing them; I'm trying to stand up for myself here.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone's taking up all the f*cking light.
I need the sun to survive,
apparently.
I'm trying to tell you that I don't know how long I can live without it.
But, who's there to listen?

A  perfect summer night;
moon shining in the sky,
fireflies surround us
as the light leaves our eyes.

We pay no attention to them,
so lost in our own thoughts,
that we didn't realize,
what was right before our eyes.

Their lights flick on and off,
much like our feelings do.
happy, sad, happy, sad,
what are we supposed to do?

We try to talk it out,
but our speech is a bit slurred,
regardless of the smoke,
our little friends stayed undeterred.

I felt like you saw right through me,
but they saw me plain and clear.
They could see the hurt;
something you mistook for fear.

Anxiety gets the best of you,
is there any room for me?
All you do is judge me,
for things I don't even see.

I haven't changed at all,
I've been here all along.
Do you know how hard it is?
To try to stand so tall?

With everyone leering at you,
breaking down your walls;
you're all that I have left,
so, before this castle falls;

I just wanted you to know,
that I'm not hiding any thing.
I need you to trust me,
I can't stand the sting...

your anxiety is killing me,
and the fireflies know;
because they paid attention;
and helped me see with their soft glow...

that maybe we can't fix this,
maybe we're too far gone.
So please just lay here with me,
and we'll watch just one more dawn;

together.

Angry blue flashes
mark the extent of pain
that blurs my vision
with black holes
that **** in any positive
                                                             resolution

Inside the whirlwind
of emotion, there is
one thing.
That one thing is the
                                                             only
thing that can exist here.
Pain.

Outside of this haven,
this dark cold hole that I call;
home.
There exists a world,
where nothing good
ever
                                                             comes
my way.

Hiding away here,
I know I'll never last.
I know I can't fight
                                                              to
the end.

But I'll try my hardest.
I will show every single
one of
                                                              those
people who ever judged
me.

I will show everyone
                                                              who
ever thought that
they could break my
walls down.
Without consequence.

I will show them that
I can
                                                              truly
be a monster.
I can be the tool
of my own destruction
if they really
                                                              want
to provoke me.

To the people who
know me.
To the people who
love me.
I want to show you
something.

I want you to believe
me, when I say,
I can create
                                                               an
ending for this
story called life.
It can be pretty,
or,
it can be
macabre.

All I'm saying is,
there will be an
                                                                ending.

It might not be
the one you want
to see.
But I'm not
afraid to
pull the trigger.

I’m hated by the world because I won’t sell my soul.
I’m frowned on by society cuz I’m not very old.
My teachers all look down on me, but I do what I’m told.
Because I am a metalhead, I’m always treated cold.

So what if I’m opinionated?
I’m sure that you are too.
There’s things we won’t agree on,
that much I know is true.
But why are you so ******* me?
Cuz I’m not the same as you?
That’s why I have true happiness,
I am not fazed by you.

(Might add to this later.)

Just looking at you...
I feel the happiness fade from my heart;
swallowed by the dark void that holds my heart’s rightful place.

Your smile is so fake,
that it brings tears to my eyes.
I know who you are, and I hate you.

But before it got to this point,
you showed me hope, love, friendship,
and most of all, you showed me how wrong I was.

How wrong I was to put my trust in you,
to believe in you, be with you, and act like you.
How wrong I was to call you my life.

I learned a lesson from you today,
I guess I should thank you.
You were my best friend at one point, before I hated you.

And maybe,
just maybe,

You’ll find it in your heart to find yourself again.
So I won’t have to watch you grow as someone you’re not,
and I can finally put my past behind me.

Being suicidal
Is like living in a smothering fog,
But like all fog,
Sometimes it clears.

Being suicidal
Takes away being capable
Of fully appreciating life.
It feeds off your fears.

Being suicidal
Is an unimaginable suffering
That is all too real.
I've been here for years.

But being suicidal
After the fog lifts,
You appreciate the tiniest bits of life
So much, that it brings tears.

I thought for sure;
I had it planned out.
I was going away,
I was fading out.

The light was gone,
from my eyes,
from my soul.
Hope had carried on,

to someone who was willing to hold it close.

"I got a Job!"
I thought that was great.
Wasn't it good enough for you?

"You work where? What a shame.
But I guess it suits you."

So what if it's the Dump?
Its a job someone's gotta do.
besides,
someone has to clean up after snobs like you.

So I do.

But I admit,
you had me going.
You got me down this time.

Which is funny because I thought,
family was supposed to help you through the grime.

But no,
you put me here.
because time and time again,

you kept telling me I was worthless,
and that I'd never fit in.

But you lied.

My friends there are like a family,
they all stand up for me.
They treat me how I should be:
like a ******* human being.

You almost made me **** myself.
That should make you ******* sick.
But I think that the anger
gives me an extra kick.

It makes me realize,
that not everyone is like you.
There's still some decent people,
and before I wouldn't have thought it true.

But there, I met two people,
who've truly shown me the way,
that the way to live my life,
is to **** what people say.

I'm happy being me,
and I'm happy I met you,
because now I'll live forever,
just so I can ******* smite you.

And I'll be happy.

There was a strange moment
where time itself seemed to slow down
to a hundredth of a second
where everything was perfect.

Maybe it was just
the last vestiges of the sunset
dancing off your hair,
or maybe it was just a trick of the eye.

But for a moment,
there was perfection.

Maybe it was just,
because I like the way you smoke,
the way the colour accents your eyes,
in the mere moments that pass as you exhale.

But for a moment,
there was perfection.

Maybe it was just
because your smile ignited sparks,
that warmed me like the soft glow of a candle
as darkness started to fall.

But for a moment,
there was perfection.

Maybe it was just,
the way your voice lifted my spirits
as if nothing at all,
could make you happier.

For a moment,
there was perfection.
But for a lifetime,
there was true happiness.

Mín trega rapul við vegur av vatnast,
og blóðig gráta niðast báði og mín føvningur.
Mín glæstri oygdur svíkja mín ektaður grunur,
for Í føla so dimmi, álvuligur.
Innan Í skjóla.
Og innan har, Í fella burt, sum um Í hava tær doyggja,
og fella, um enn sum a dreygur fella.

Tú bjarga meg frá sjálvur.
Innan mín dimmi dagur, tú kom for meg.
Mín lethe. Mín ást. Mín vindrongur.
Takkar.

~Translation~

My pain falls by way of tears of water from my eyes,
and ****** tears down both of my arms.
My shining eyes betray my true thoughts,
for I feel so dark, not very happy.
Inside I hide.
And in there, I swooned away, as if I had been dying,
and fell away, even as a dead body falls.

You save me from myself.
In my darkest days, you came for me.
My lethe. My love. My friend.
Thank you.


(Inspired by Turid Torkilsdottir by Tyr and also one small part taken from "Dante's Inferno" The Epic Poem.)

A year ago today,
down to the last minute;
I never thought my whole world
would come crashing down around me.

Tears fall down my face as I remember,
every single thing you said and did;
a year ago today.

I was so scared,
so lonely and heartbroken,
so afraid of the world,
and it took me so long
to find myself again.

Why did I suffer so much?
Why didn't I have the courage,
to end the pain?
I could have, no...
I should have left you.

If I had have known,
that the walls we spent so long building,
were about to come crashing down around me
by your own ******* hand,
I would have prepared myself.

I'll never forget that paralyzing feeling,
that held me in place,
I eventually crumpled to the ground,
and truly cried my heart out.
To this day,
I still, have never cried harder than I did,
a year ago today.

I vividly remember,
as if I were stuck in a bad dream,
the cold sweat,
and the dry air,
the feeling of freezing snowflakes,
sticking to the crystal tears
streaming down my face.

I ran outside and screamed.
I ******* screamed at the world,
and you.
Oh, did I ever scream at you.
I was so confused...
you never gave me a reason why.

And a year ago today,
I still don't know the reason why.

And it haunts me in every single corner of my entire life.

Why did you leave me so suddenly?
Why did you hurt me so bad, so swiftly?
Why did you enjoy my pain?!

That's still what hurts the most.

I remember the days after you left me,
at school...
you laughed at me,
when I crumpled to the ground,
and broke down completely at the mere sight of you.

You laughed,
as I choked on my own tears and sorrow.
You laughed,
as I slid to the floor and passed out,
when I saw you with that other girl.
You laughed at our entire relationship...
2 years and 6 months meant nothing to you,
3 weeks later...
I guess I'm just easy to replace, huh.

You truly tore my heart from my chest,
and it still isn't there,
but it's growing,
thanks to the boy who's shown me how wrong I was.
You never truly loved me, Simon.
But I know someone who does.
I taste it on his lips,
every time we kiss.
I feel it in his embrace,
as he holds me.
I feel safe.
Brent, loves me.

I've given up on searching for your reasoning,
I need to let myself not care.
I'm sad it has to be this way,
you've carved yourself from my life.
You laughed at me in my darkest hours,
and now, something has dawned on me.

Why has the pain not gone away?
Now I finally know.
My body treats this as a funeral,
because who you were,
has truly died.

You are not the man I fell in love with.
You are not who I called my best friend.
I'd hardly even call you human,
with all that ice in your soul.

RIP, Simon,
though you deserve no peace.
rest in pain; and rot away.

I'll never know the reason why.
You can't ask a dead man.
But now,
the funerals over.
And I'm walking away,
as they cover your coffin with dirt.
I will never ever look back to your grave,
because,
I've started a new chapter in my life.
and it started,
a year ago today.

I close my eyes and fall forward,
images fluttering through my mind.
They hit me like a freight train.

Over and over and over again,
I can't stop them.
They hold my mind in a sadistic trance.

I'm standing closer to the edge than I should be allowed.
But why does it matter?
I close my eyes and fall forward.

Who's going to be there at the bottom to catch me?
Or am I just going to crash into the pavement?

I feel the weight on my mind;
the crack in my heart,
the sickening feeling...
as it all falls apart.
Before our eyes,
we’ll sever the ties;
have I told you I’m sorry?
About all the lies...

And I get so dizzy,
as days roll on,
I don’t think I can take,
just one more dawn.
And I get light headed,
it’s easy to see,
when I think of what we used to be.

If I could go back,
just one more time,
and re-live my life;
with your hand in mine,
I think I’d be perfect.
I wouldn’t be scared.
But those are just pictures,
of the life we once shared.
So.

If only the sun would take me!
if only the wind was on my side!
I’d have the wind take me away,
and the sun would stop the burning inside.

Because I feel like I’m on fire,
with rage and pain and sadness...
It’s only you that I’ve admired;
and it’s driving me to madness.

But I don’t regret who we used to be,
and here, I’m so, alone.
It’s just the pain’s too much for me,
and I hope you’ll never know.

‘Cause I’d give up the world for you,
I’d take away the hurt.
But now you’ve walked away from me,
you’ve left me in the dirt.

But even so,
I hope you know,
I’ll always be right here.
I’m waiting for,
Our love to soar,
So take away our fear.

I get high to get by.
It's the only way I see,
to ease the pain that's slowly
growing inside of me.
My friends can't stand the change,
they give me misguided looks,
they seem to look at me
like my face is full of hooks.
I hate to see them judge me,
but they don't really know,
I've found a path to happiness,
but it seems so false and slow.
They think I'm like a stoner,
smoking myself to space,
but really, I'm a loner,
looking for an embrace.

The only place I feel safe,
is tucked inside his arms.
I feel like a helpless waif,
so in need of his charms.
Cuz my parents bring me down,
and I'm unsure of my friends,
could anyone accept me,
without going through a cleanse?
Cuz I'm done with faking happy,
for everyone else's sake,
this little slice of happy
is for me, only, to take.

I don't know how to tell you,
that it's so hard to get by,
and if there's one thing that I've realized,
it's that I only smile when I'm high.

Falling down
Again, it seems
Like no one
Listens anymore.
It feels like
No one's there, everyone's just...
Gone.

Downward spiral leading me to an
Open vein in my life.
Wondering why I could
Never stop sooner.

At last, when all the smoke clears.
Night turns to
Daylight.

Good morning, is
Everything I needed
To hear.
Today,
I** start myself over again.
Not going to
Get beaten down so easily anymore, because...

Up there, I know you're watching me, and it's you, who
Pulls me back together when I fall apart.

This canvas so pale,
is so frail and so jailed,
inside a mind that screams
and wails.

The canvas is perfect,
besides old scars,
that I choose to reopen
and enjoy the stars;

that I feel in my head
when the canvas turns red,
such a stark contrast
between living and dead.

I don't know why I can't stop slicing,
I need the rush to feel okay.
I don't know why the rush keeps climbing,
I need it more every day.

*Shining scarlet kisses...
who am I to keep them away?

Walk away.
Just go, don't look back.
Nothing here will be the same,
nothing here is how you left it.

You were gone for too long,
things have changed.
I won't bend over backwards,
trying to please you.

Not anymore.

Just walk away.

Death

stalks the corners of my vision,

clouds my thoughts,

poor judgement,

bad decisions.



A fog sets in.

Smothering everything

I thought I loved.



...did it?

Did it win?

Did I lose?



Indecisive.

Distracted.

Overwhelmed.



I feel like giving up.

But I can't disappoint you.



You make my dark days

seem like a distant memory

and my troubles fly away

with just a look.



You fill my soul with laughter

you fill my heart with joy

and you fill my life with happiness.



Meaning.

Purpose.

Beauty.



Death may have its cold

dark, lifeless hands

tight around my neck.

But you are my shield.



Nick,

you are truly

my Lethe,

my Love,

my Life.

Someone.
One person is all I ask.
Maybe they'll find the time to read this.
Even though it's sad;
One persons greatest fear,
Never quite finding it's way to the surface,
Even though it's always just below it.

Heaven finds a way to taunt me now and then,
Even though I medicate my thoughts away,
Light always fades, and darkness
Plunges through.

My story is one of fear, of despair,
Even. But maybe, I'll find a way out of this

Insanity.

Sex.
Everyone expects me to believe that it doesn't hurt,
Even though they see how tentative I am,

They plainly see how scared I am.
History goes on for...
Ever. And ever and ever and ever.

Why can't anyone let me be in peace?
Hello, I'm looking for a way out.
Instead of helping me,
They just shut me down and out.
Everyone seems to think they know me.

Luckily for them, they don't.
Inside, I hide my true thoughts away, but that turned me into a
Ghost. A former shell of myself, wandering around aimlessly.
Help me? When will it stop? Because the white light at the end of the
T**unnel, was just a freight train coming my way.

Slowly
        drifting
                  upon
                           the
                               crimson
                                          Acheron;
                                                           I
                                                             embrace
                                                                            sweet
                                                                                     catharsis.

You walk by me like I'm an illusion,
well pardon me for the ******* intrusion!
I hate your homophobic speech,
the way you act, hell, the way you eat!

I'm sick of you walking over me,
I hear that's not who you used to be,
but if this keeps up then you will see
just how much hate you have for me...

Cuz, I'll tell you to rot,
I'll tell you to burn.
You're power drunk,
but its my turn.
Is it so fun?
Abusing your son?
Your heart is a hole
and you have no soul.

I'll show you I won't be pushed down,
You're not the only one who fights.
You're so proud you'd wear a crown,
but that doesn't mean you make my rights.

These are the words
of someone who has truly lost all hope
and all will to live.

These are the words
of someone who has bled so many times,
her scars will never fade.

These are the words
of someone who's been depressed for so long,
there is no way out.

These are the words,
of someone who's reaching out for help,
and no one's there to reach for her hand;

as she drowns in her own sorrows for the last time.

I’m standing in a blizzard...
that’s what it feels like.
the cold, it bites right back at me.
it stabs me like a spike!
Right through my heart it goes!
it chills me to my toes,
to think you’d be so cruel...
you played me like a fool.
And now I’m feeling nothing,
but that sort of makes me glad.
I know if I could feel the pain,
it’d take what’s left I have.
It’d take away my friends from me,
it’d steal my sanity.
I can’t believe how far I fell,
when you said you fell for me.
My limbs they all seem frozen,
they crack like withered trees.
In winter trees are heartless;
like what you did to me.
I know you see my pain here,
you relish in it all.
I know I hurt you so **** bad
and you’re here to watch me fall.
But even though I surely know,
you’ve got me down and out.
I’ll come back one day you’ll see!
Just what I’m all about.
But just for now I don’t know how,
to get out of this mess.
But I’ll be fine you’ll see in time,
Let’s start this game of chess.

E
  v
     e
        r
          y
            t
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       ­          i
                   n
                      g

                             k
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                                      p
                       ­                  s

                                              f
              ­                                   a
                                                     l
                                                        l
 ­                                                          i
                                                              n­
                                                                ­  g

                                                            ­          t
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                                                               ­              o
                                                               ­                 u
                                              ­                                     g
                                                               ­                       h
      
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    ­                                                                 ­                           y
                                    ­                                                          
      ­                                                                 ­                            h
                                                               ­                                        a
                                                               ­                                           n
                    ­                                                                 ­                        d
                                                               ­                                                 s,

            ­                                                                 ­                                        l
                                                               ­                                                        i
                                                               ­                                                            k
   ­                                                                 ­                                                          e
     ­                                                                 ­                                      
                          ­                                                                 ­                                      t
                                                               ­                                                                 ­    h
                                                           ­                                                                 ­            e

                                                  ­                                                                 ­                           p
                                ­                                                                 ­                                                   a
            ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­          s
                                                     ­                                                                 ­                                      s
                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­    i
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                  v
                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­      e
                                                               ­   
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                         s
                      ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                      a
                                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­        n
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                       d
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                           s
        
                                                      ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­         o
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­   f

                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­            a
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­         
                                                       ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­          m
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­     y
                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­   s
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                            t    ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­       e
                                                    ­                                                                 ­                                                                r
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                   i
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                o
               ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                            u
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                           s

                                                              ­                                                                 ­                                     h
                          ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­      o
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                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­   r
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                                                               ­                                                                 ­                        l
                                       ­                                                                 ­                                             a
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                  s
                                             ­                                                                 ­                                 s.

It's funny; the things I'll do to escape you.

I feel the familiar numbness,
as the caffeine works it's way through my system.

The heightened senses,
the small, flashing lights, haunting the corners of my vision,
the nausea as the room starts to spin,
but I like it...

Because, every time I feel this upheaval,
I know that soon enough, my body won't be able to process the feelings;
I know my mind won't react to the seeds you planted there.

You try as hard as you can to make them grow,
you're trying to tear me apart from the inside out,
and once upon a time,
it worked.

But once I feel the shock of my system shutting down,
there's no more room for you to invade.

I know what I do is dangerous.
But when you find something that works,
anything* is a good enough escape.
Even if it means that eventually,
something goes horribly wrong...

Am I doing something wrong?
Because I'm really dying to get away from you,
and so far,

A bad headache and a fast heart beat aren't going to be enough to convince me to stop.

These same four walls remind me
that my friends have all moved on,
and these same four walls remind me,
that the road I walk is long.

These same four walls remind me
of how easily I weep,
and these same four walls remind me
of how little I find sleep.

These same four walls remind me
that they're a cage around my heart,
and these same four walls remind me
that my life has come apart.

But these same four walls remind me
that walls can be knocked down.
And these same four walls remind me
that you can smile, or choose to frown.

Nerve endings ignite,
in a colossal implosion,
of never ending thoughts,
possibilities, and heartache.

Weightlessness consumes me
until the pain slowly ebbs;
but I wake up,
and hell resumes.

Why is the truth
so hard to come by?

Someone once asked me,

When you close your eyes,
do you know if the darkness ends?

I replied,

No, I'm just as lost as you are.

It's then that I realized,
is it my own fault I'm lost?
Why am I worrying about the small things?
Why does it matter where the darkness ends?
I'll find my way out...right?

I'm starting to think,
that my narcotics are narcissistic.
I'm starting to think,
that they think they can control me.
I'm starting to think,
antidepressants are tricking me into thinking I'm weak.
But I'm starting to think,
that it doesn't matter where the darkness ends.

I'll find my way out of the lethargic fog clouding brain;
kicking and screaming and clawing
like I usually do.
Does the darkness ever end?
Does it even matter if it does?

I'll fight it 'til the ******* end.
**Antidepressants do not make me weak.

It feels like I have the world on my shoulders,
and the world is too heavy for one person to carry.
I'm just dragging along my wretched frame,
as it sinks further into the ground.

I contemplate how I can fix things.
But I underestimate the power of my own mind,
and slowly I lose myself again,
to the inviting darkness that always seems to loom,
on the edges of my vision.

I don't know when it started,
how I got here,
or when it suddenly got so bad;
that I couldn't stand to be alone anymore.

But the one thing I do know,
is that the person I see in the mirror,
is just another conjured image
of someone who's trying to break me down.

He was the cloud who held me aloft,
floating through the sky,
carefree, loving, and gentle.
He stopped time;
the good times lasted;
while the clouds were white.
But clouds change.
Now, he is a black,
menacing thunder cloud,
who pierced the sky
with a deafening roar and
a blinding flash of golden light.
It struck me from my timeless perch!
He remains a deadly thunder cloud;
but clouds change.

The ash clouds cry tears of blood,
upon the land swollen with fear.
Trees bend their knees,
to the coming of reapers,
disguised as angels to save us,
from our own living hell,
as the purge rolls on.

Together, we have started this fire.
Burning the whole world to ash.
This place is set for ruination.
Striking the match,
as you set the world aflame.
Watch it as it burns away.

This is a premonition,
of a crisis apparition,
but I don't hurt badly enough to die.

Not yet.

Save me from these prying eyes
who wish to see through my disguise.
There's a reason why I'm cloaked;
the sadness must be choked.

I've beat it down
and seen it drown;
why is that not enough?
I've poisoned it,
I've clawed and bit
but it still makes me frown.

If there's a way,
I'd like to know,
I'd like to move on now.
So this I'll say,
I won't let go;
life goes on somehow.

No matter what,
I will be tough,
this will not break me down.
My walls are strong;
suppressing the throng,
I will not be run-down.

You know, I find it funny;
how you've twisted my words,
and how you've recreated our memories,
to make it look like I'm the bad guy.

Well I'll tell you now,
I won't stand for that.
But here's what I will stand for.

I'm gonna stand up for my feelings,
because I'm sick of you manipulating them.
I'm gonna stand up for my body,
because I'm sick of the pain you cause me.
I'm gonna stand up for my mind,
because I'm sick of the malevolent beatings it has to take,
And I'm gonna stand up for myself as a whole for once,
because I'm sick of letting you tear me down.

You know who I was;
and who I am hates who I've been.
So now, it's time to show you who I really am.

I realized something today.
I realized that,
no matter how many stupid things you put me though,
we had some good times.
But I admit,
the bad might have out shined the good.
In the end,
I knew I would miss you,
But...
I didn't think I would hate you.
And the truth is,
I really do hate you.

I fought against it for a while,
trying to tell myself,
that you had a justifiable reason,
for doing everything you did.
But you don't.
You never have.
And you never will.
Everything you did to me,
was malevolent,
painful,
abusive,
manipulative,
and traumatizing.
And I wish I could make it all go away,
But I can't.

This is my only escape.

Every time I look at you,
you **** the life straight out of my heart,
and the feeling from my limbs.
It's suddenly harder to breathe,
and my blood starts to boil.
And underneath all of those symptoms,
there's a question.
"Who are you?!"
Who are you...
all I want to know,
is who you are.
Because you're definitely not anything that I recognize.

I realize now,
That I was set up from the very start.
But I'd like to think,
if not for just one second,
that 2 years and 6 months actually meant something to you.
Something more than stringing me along,
because I really can't put my life back together,
knowing that you're just out to mess it up.
And I know you are,
because every single thing you've done,
for the past 10 months,
has been deliberate enough for me to see,
that you're just trying to ruin me.
And you know what?
I try to stop you.
But you just break me down so completely, and,
so,
*******,
easily.

Remember what I said?
About how hard it is for me to even look at you?
Think of how bad it is for me to hear your voice!
Your harmonious voice,
taunting me in melodious tongues,
prodding into my brain,
and planting new seeds of doubt,
where they will no doubt grow and bloom.
One word is all it takes.
It doesn't even have to be towards me,
it just has to be around me.
It flows around me,
as surely as the air flows through my lungs.
And it fills my system with dripping venom.
Constricting,
writhing it's way into my thoughts,
and slowly enveloping my heart.
I don't know how long my heart can stay choked like this.
I need air,
I need freedom,
but most of all,
I need reassurance that I'm going to be okay...

In the end,
I know I'll never get to say any of this to you.
But I'd still like to say it.
You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Really.
You're a sadistic, abusive, manipulative, conniving, malevolent...****.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I wish I could take my years, months, hours and minutes back,
so I could have spent them with who I'm with now.
Because never in my entire life,
have I found someone who makes me smile as easily as he does.
His scent makes my heart flutter,
and his happiness is contagious.
When I'm in his arms,
everything is okay.
But there's still that silent sense of foreboding.
That sense that you're still out there,
destroying the lives of other girls,
like you did mine.

I don't know when I'll heal.
Or when I'll even start to heal.
But now I know the first step.

*I need to accept the fact that I need help.

Look me in the eyes,
say that you won't let me go,
we are forever.

Self destruct
and rebuild
until you love yourself again.

And here we go again.

We're searching for an end.
A* means to stop the madness,
Kicking and screaming in spite of
Everything society has to throw at us.

Unjustifiable
Punishment.

Calling all police officers,
Arrest us, if you can.
Let us go, if you will, but,
Let it be known, we will be back.

Fighting for freedom
Of opinion, speech, and looking for equality.
Rebelling against

The **** that the media throws at us.
How will we know where to go if
Everything around us is fake?

My friends, we must be critical.
Actions speak louder than words.
Send out a message across the
Seas, so that
Everyone can rise and
Say this with me...

Everyone is beautiful, everyone deserves to be free,
if I am true to myself, then I will be truly happy.

So close to feeling dead,
so close to feeling alive.