I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
Bitter disappointment
staring back at me.

It seems no matter
what I do,
I just can't seem
to get through to you.

I'm clawing away
at what's left of me.
and people won't let
the pieces be.

I shed those pieces for a reason.
I'm sick of being stuck in this rainy season.
Walking around with a cloud above my head.
Sometimes I think I'd much rather be dead.

Sometimes...

Death

stalks the corners of my vision,

clouds my thoughts,

poor judgement,

bad decisions.



A fog sets in.

Smothering everything

I thought I loved.



...did it?

Did it win?

Did I lose?



Indecisive.

Distracted.

Overwhelmed.



I feel like giving up.

But I can't disappoint you.



You make my dark days

seem like a distant memory

and my troubles fly away

with just a look.



You fill my soul with laughter

you fill my heart with joy

and you fill my life with happiness.



Meaning.

Purpose.

Beauty.



Death may have its cold

dark, lifeless hands

tight around my neck.

But you are my shield.



Nick,

you are truly

my Lethe,

my Love,

my Life.

There was a strange moment
where time itself seemed to slow down
to a hundredth of a second
where everything was perfect.

Maybe it was just
the last vestiges of the sunset
dancing off your hair,
or maybe it was just a trick of the eye.

But for a moment,
there was perfection.

Maybe it was just,
because I like the way you smoke,
the way the colour accents your eyes,
in the mere moments that pass as you exhale.

But for a moment,
there was perfection.

Maybe it was just
because your smile ignited sparks,
that warmed me like the soft glow of a candle
as darkness started to fall.

But for a moment,
there was perfection.

Maybe it was just,
the way your voice lifted my spirits
as if nothing at all,
could make you happier.

For a moment,
there was perfection.
But for a lifetime,
there was true happiness.

When my heart beat fades away,
will my wings unfold?

When my eyes close,
will your heart turn colder?

Did you know that I had,
no one but you?

Did you know the ghosts chased me?
Will I be just like them,

when my wings unfold?

Hidden under a veil of snow,
will your heart turn colder?

Hidden under a veil of snow,
will my ghost become older?

Nothing but a cold, faded memory,
lying amidst fragile angels

of ice and snow
and long forgotten sorrow.

Will my wings unfold?
Or will your heart become cold?

When my eyes close,
and my heart slows,
only the angels will know.

Self destruct
and rebuild
until you love yourself again.

So close to feeling dead,
so close to feeling alive.

Being suicidal
Is like living in a smothering fog,
But like all fog,
Sometimes it clears.

Being suicidal
Takes away being capable
Of fully appreciating life.
It feeds off your fears.

Being suicidal
Is an unimaginable suffering
That is all too real.
I've been here for years.

But being suicidal
After the fog lifts,
You appreciate the tiniest bits of life
So much, that it brings tears.

Dazed
Confused
Zone out
What the **** is that sound?

That buzzing
So insistent in my ears
Like a parasite
Feeding on my ******* fears.

I hear it when I'm drunk
That buzzing
That leering sound
Makes me want to carve out

The parts of me that I hate.

How do you stop
The only thing
That makes you feel
Sane? Or anything at all
For that matter.

I try so hard to ignore the tug
But this buzzing is invading my highs.
The only thing that used to keep me feeling okay.

One thousand times
Has the knife kissed my skin
So many times
After I said I wouldn't give in.

One thousand times
Have I allowed myself
To cry crimson tears
To hide my fears.

You would think
After a while
Cutting wouldn't help anymore.
But it turns out
I cut more every time
To the point I can't stop.

One thousand times I have failed myself.
But that's one thousand times I could have taken my life.

And I didn't.

I may have failed myself,
But I still have time to turn around
And right one thousand wrongs.

From the 24th floor
Everything seems so...
Insignificant.

I poke my head out the screenless window
And feel the intense rush of air
That steals the breath from my lungs
Like our first kiss did.

Life has gotten harder since then.
I feel like even the slightest of pressure
Will cave in my soul
And loosen my resistance to that screenless window.

I sat on the ledge today.
I contemplated it when you left for school.
I let my legs hang free from almost the top
Of the tallest building east of Montreal.

I long for that rush of air
The inability to breathe
As your body plummets to the ground
At terminal velocity.

I want to feel the adrenaline in my veins
As I kick off the wall
And let my worries fly away
As I descend into the arms of sorrow.

I dreamt of it the first night here.
I felt my entire body disintegrate
Under the weight of the world
As I crashed into the pavement...

And I can't help but wonder
If I'll actually witness the separation of my soul from my body
And watch my fractured frame bleed out on the ground
Like I did when I was dreaming.

I can only imagine how free I would finally feel
Released fully into the arms of sorrow
And letting that embrace take me away from all the pain
Forevermore.

Knife

On the table

Run out to the balcony

Caged in

Need to jump

Struggle, claw, yell

Boyfriend says: are you okay?

Inhale

Exhale

I'm fine, I say.

Smile

Nod

Walk away.

Please ******* help me.

I'll jump from this 24th floor.

I love you so much...

You won't even hear me hit the ground.

She wrote love on her arms
with blood and ink
and watched her life
flow into the sink.

She didn't care,
no one was there
to help her see
the world's beauty.

She tried so hard to fake a smile
she tried so hard to walk that mile
to try to reach out for help,
but she decided to be alone for a while.

That's no good.

The walls constrict around her heart
and her veins constrict around her soul,
and the more her skin came apart
the more she seemed to fall into the hole.

She tried so hard to get back up,
but her walls had finally broken.
Too many people tore her down,
with the unkind words they'd spoken.

She was filled with so much hate,
she just couldn't survive in this world.
So she wrote love on her arms,
and watched as death unfurled.

These are the words
of someone who has truly lost all hope
and all will to live.

These are the words
of someone who has bled so many times,
her scars will never fade.

These are the words
of someone who's been depressed for so long,
there is no way out.

These are the words,
of someone who's reaching out for help,
and no one's there to reach for her hand;

as she drowns in her own sorrows for the last time.

A  perfect summer night;
moon shining in the sky,
fireflies surround us
as the light leaves our eyes.

We pay no attention to them,
so lost in our own thoughts,
that we didn't realize,
what was right before our eyes.

Their lights flick on and off,
much like our feelings do.
happy, sad, happy, sad,
what are we supposed to do?

We try to talk it out,
but our speech is a bit slurred,
regardless of the smoke,
our little friends stayed undeterred.

I felt like you saw right through me,
but they saw me plain and clear.
They could see the hurt;
something you mistook for fear.

Anxiety gets the best of you,
is there any room for me?
All you do is judge me,
for things I don't even see.

I haven't changed at all,
I've been here all along.
Do you know how hard it is?
To try to stand so tall?

With everyone leering at you,
breaking down your walls;
you're all that I have left,
so, before this castle falls;

I just wanted you to know,
that I'm not hiding any thing.
I need you to trust me,
I can't stand the sting...

your anxiety is killing me,
and the fireflies know;
because they paid attention;
and helped me see with their soft glow...

that maybe we can't fix this,
maybe we're too far gone.
So please just lay here with me,
and we'll watch just one more dawn;

together.

I thought for sure;
I had it planned out.
I was going away,
I was fading out.

The light was gone,
from my eyes,
from my soul.
Hope had carried on,

to someone who was willing to hold it close.

"I got a Job!"
I thought that was great.
Wasn't it good enough for you?

"You work where? What a shame.
But I guess it suits you."

So what if it's the Dump?
Its a job someone's gotta do.
besides,
someone has to clean up after snobs like you.

So I do.

But I admit,
you had me going.
You got me down this time.

Which is funny because I thought,
family was supposed to help you through the grime.

But no,
you put me here.
because time and time again,

you kept telling me I was worthless,
and that I'd never fit in.

But you lied.

My friends there are like a family,
they all stand up for me.
They treat me how I should be:
like a ******* human being.

You almost made me **** myself.
That should make you ******* sick.
But I think that the anger
gives me an extra kick.

It makes me realize,
that not everyone is like you.
There's still some decent people,
and before I wouldn't have thought it true.

But there, I met two people,
who've truly shown me the way,
that the way to live my life,
is to **** what people say.

I'm happy being me,
and I'm happy I met you,
because now I'll live forever,
just so I can ******* smite you.

And I'll be happy.

I'm sitting here
in constant fear
of events
that are to come.

Warning signs
ring clear as chimes
and my body's going numb.

There's darkness at the edges,
of my vision
and my mind.

And this darkness truly comes for me
to take me home this time.

"You've been running for too long"
it says
"just stop and take a break."

but I know its just a ploy;
my living soul's at stake.

So I run.

I'm running through a labyrinth,
full of broken bones.
Following a winding path
full of empty homes.

I recognize these places;
they're from my recent past.
They're people who have helped me,
but they left me pretty fast.

I have no one else to turn to.
and no where else to go,
so why do I keep running?
My feet, they start to slow.

I've come upon the end
of this horrid maze of bones,
and here's to my efforts:
I have nothing to show;

except my scars.

Like a poison fog,
creeping around the edges of my vision
this is the final stand.

I know if I get lost
wandering around in this stark nothingness.
I will not come out.

I know if the sadness takes hold,
this time,
the damage will be permanent.

I'm sick and tired of the fighting.
And of fighting battles.
that I can't win.

I

feel

like

I

break

every

*******

thing

I

touch.

Can nothing release me
from your shadow,
that I live in?

Can nothing warm my heart
and my soul?

I search within myself,
and find nothing
but self hatred.

And a longing
to cut out the parts of me
that I hate.

Your shadow engulfs me;
is there no escape?

I miss you.
More than I've missed anything
in my entire life.

Why did you go,
when I needed you most?
When I needed
your reassurance,
that life will not take me
to more dark places.

How do you let go of the dead,
when they're still fully alive,
in our hearts?

A start
with no end.
A promise
with no truth.
The end
is certain.
It always comes
around.

I don't even know where I went so wrong,
but all I know is that it's been so long
since I've been able to get out of this mist
it seems that I just can't coexist

with depression.

Depression's like a fog
that comes rolling in
and it turns into a bog
and ***** me in.

I'm up to my neck
with pain,
everyday.
There isn't one single way
to get away.

It stalks you
in every corner of your life.
And the only way to handle it
is with a ******* knife.

But that's not a solution.
It's temporary respite,
from not feeling down
and crying all night.

It's like a warm gentle sigh
that releases the hurt,
but in the end I realize,
I'm still face down in the dirt.

I can't keep going on this way,
the pain is just too much.
And drugs don't help in any way,
they're not even a crutch.

Antidepressants feel like,
they take my life away.
I no longer feel happiness,
or can react in any way.

They fill my head with nothings!
So why does the label say:
"Used to help depression,
and help you feel okay."

I feel like I don't exist!
Much less a human being!
I look into the mirror
and can't believe what I'm seeing.

I don't recognize my face,
my body or my hands
I just walk around because
that's what they demand.

Am I going crazy?
I don't even know.
even if I was,
my body couldn't tell me so.

I just don't know what to do,
what to say,
or who to talk to.

But I know I'll find a way,
if someone could tell me I'm okay.

Hate
is an inaccurate word.
I want you to *die.

I feel like I should save you,
because I've been there,
because I've done that.

But who am I to save you?
can't even save myself,
and I hate that.

I feel as though I know you;
because I feel like you're a mirror.
I'm staring at myself;
my reflection's getting clearer.

I fell down again today,
I thought I was done for sure.
All the pain and sadness,
dropped me straight to the floor.

I felt like a ******* brick,
made of lead,
tied to an anchor;
and someone decided
to drop me,
into a sea of misery.

I thought for sure
"I can't do this,
I can't take it anymore."

But I swear to god,
I heard your voice,
and I got up off the floor.

I swear,
you were there,
and the weight lifted once more.
I know,
you were there;
it didn't hurt anymore.

Thank you.

I need help.
I'm so lost.
Life has me so weighed down
that I don't know
up from down
or left from right.
My words get stuck in my throat and
every day is a constant fight
that I just
cant
seem
to win.

I'm ****** if I do
and I'm ****** if I don't,
what I'm about to say,
well,
don't think I won't...

Don't think I won't have the strength to go on,
because it's all in your perspective.
Don't think I won't have the courage to stand strong,
in the face of all my Demons.
Don't think I won't have the Mentality to know,
when someone's trying to break me.
Don't tell me I won't have the Will to fight,
when I'm faced with life or death.

Sometimes I know
that I feel so weak,
that I think it's time to end it.
But that's because,
I live in a house,
that would love to see me quit.

I won't let them.

Nerve endings ignite,
in a colossal implosion,
of never ending thoughts,
possibilities, and heartache.

Weightlessness consumes me
until the pain slowly ebbs;
but I wake up,
and hell resumes.

Why is the truth
so hard to come by?

What have I done to deserve
to lose my guiding light?
It's harder now than ever,
every day's a constant fight.

I'll never get to see you,
to thank you for all you've done.
I'll never get to meet you,
my brightly shining sun.

Your words have got me this far,
you've pushed me down this road,
and I don't feel like I've ever
owed as much as I do owe,

I owe you for your courage,
your strength to hold me tall
despite being on edge,
always about to fall.

I don't think many knew that,
you kept it in quite well.
Only once or twice it seems;
that's all you ever fell.

But in the end it's anger.
It consumes us all.
Anger is the one to blame;
the one to make you fall.

You never should have been there,
on that fateful night,
when you flew across the pavement,
flung far from your bike.

You never should have been there,
she begged you not to go.
But instead you took the low road,
but instead; you said no.

What was on your mind?
Did you know it would be your last?
Your last thoughts as a human,
and they were racing fast.

Why couldn't you slow down?
Why didn't you go home?
You were drunk and you knew it!
You didn't have to roam.

You should have stopped to think,
about your daughter and your wife.
You should have stopped to think
about your very life.

You were more than just one person,
you were an idol, proud and tall.
But you were more than just an icon;
you were a friend to all.

A friend in times of need,
in times of darkness and despair,
a friend in times of tragedy;
someone who's always there.

Now I'll never get to thank you...
but we all make mistakes.
It just ***** that we're so fragile
that one choice is all it takes.

All it takes to end a life,
whose voice reached across all Nations.
All it takes to end a life
with many dreams and aspirations.

But in the end,
there's a reminder.
Your voice; it still lives on.

In the end,
you are still with us.
You'll never be truly gone.

Because your words were filled with power;
screamed from an aching heart,
your words have changed the world,
and this is just the start.

I know it's scary,
but everything will be alright.

These words mean so much,
that you're still my guiding light.

These same four walls remind me
that my friends have all moved on,
and these same four walls remind me,
that the road I walk is long.

These same four walls remind me
of how easily I weep,
and these same four walls remind me
of how little I find sleep.

These same four walls remind me
that they're a cage around my heart,
and these same four walls remind me
that my life has come apart.

But these same four walls remind me
that walls can be knocked down.
And these same four walls remind me
that you can smile, or choose to frown.

Priests are a plague,
whispering of false Deities;
that tear us apart.

Christianity teaches you to hate;
thyself, thy neighbor,
and thine own world.

and you still go to Hell.

Christianity is a Plague,
preaching to us about
a pathetic excuse of a God,
who gave us free will,
and now hates us for having it.

Christianity is a Plague,
preaching to us how we should
feel
act
worship.
How we should
forgive
forget
and repent.

No matter what,
Christianity is a Plague
whose morals preach nothing but self hatred.

Christianity teaches you;
You cannot be happy without God.
You are nothing without God.
No matter how much you try to appease God;
You can't.
No matter how hard you try to be devout,
you cannot accomplish it.

Christianity teaches us,
that when we die,
Hell is inevitable,
unless you're a Saint.

Christianity teaches us,
that everything we do is bad,
we are incapable of good,
we are all ******.

Unless we give up everything that makes us Human,
God shuns you and Damns you and doesn't look back,
because we are sinners.

Christianity teaches us that we are sinners,
we are nothing but sinners,
and we have to hate all sinners.

So why does no one see,
that we waste our money,
on a Pious Plague,
instead of spending
on something that can actually make a difference in the world.

So much
hate
despair
war
famine
lies
hurt
and malice

could have been avoided,
if we actually spent time
trying to fix things
instead of trying to believe in someone
who clearly doesn't give a **** about us.

This canvas so pale,
is so frail and so jailed,
inside a mind that screams
and wails.

The canvas is perfect,
besides old scars,
that I choose to reopen
and enjoy the stars;

that I feel in my head
when the canvas turns red,
such a stark contrast
between living and dead.

I don't know why I can't stop slicing,
I need the rush to feel okay.
I don't know why the rush keeps climbing,
I need it more every day.

*Shining scarlet kisses...
who am I to keep them away?

Depression
holds you with an iron grip;
one so unrelenting,
and so cold to the touch,
that it dulls even the warmest of feelings.

Depression
steals all joy from the moments,
you wish you could re-live,
because you never came
to fully appreciate the life you live.

Depression
tries to stop you,
from getting away,
from loving,
from smiling,
from living.

But Depression,
is not terminal,
is not unmanageable,
is not forever.

Depression
is something you can beat,
and your scars will forever be trophies;
a reminder of what you've survived.

Slowly
        drifting
                  upon
                           the
                               crimson
                                          Acheron;
                                                           I
                                                             embrace
                                                                            sweet
                                                                                     catharsis.

Angry blue flashes
mark the extent of pain
that blurs my vision
with black holes
that **** in any positive
                                                             resolution

Inside the whirlwind
of emotion, there is
one thing.
That one thing is the
                                                             only
thing that can exist here.
Pain.

Outside of this haven,
this dark cold hole that I call;
home.
There exists a world,
where nothing good
ever
                                                             comes
my way.

Hiding away here,
I know I'll never last.
I know I can't fight
                                                              to
the end.

But I'll try my hardest.
I will show every single
one of
                                                              those
people who ever judged
me.

I will show everyone
                                                              who
ever thought that
they could break my
walls down.
Without consequence.

I will show them that
I can
                                                              truly
be a monster.
I can be the tool
of my own destruction
if they really
                                                              want
to provoke me.

To the people who
know me.
To the people who
love me.
I want to show you
something.

I want you to believe
me, when I say,
I can create
                                                               an
ending for this
story called life.
It can be pretty,
or,
it can be
macabre.

All I'm saying is,
there will be an
                                                                ending.

It might not be
the one you want
to see.
But I'm not
afraid to
pull the trigger.

Save me from these prying eyes
who wish to see through my disguise.
There's a reason why I'm cloaked;
the sadness must be choked.

I've beat it down
and seen it drown;
why is that not enough?
I've poisoned it,
I've clawed and bit
but it still makes me frown.

If there's a way,
I'd like to know,
I'd like to move on now.
So this I'll say,
I won't let go;
life goes on somehow.

No matter what,
I will be tough,
this will not break me down.
My walls are strong;
suppressing the throng,
I will not be run-down.

Someone once asked me,

When you close your eyes,
do you know if the darkness ends?

I replied,

No, I'm just as lost as you are.

It's then that I realized,
is it my own fault I'm lost?
Why am I worrying about the small things?
Why does it matter where the darkness ends?
I'll find my way out...right?

I'm starting to think,
that my narcotics are narcissistic.
I'm starting to think,
that they think they can control me.
I'm starting to think,
antidepressants are tricking me into thinking I'm weak.
But I'm starting to think,
that it doesn't matter where the darkness ends.

I'll find my way out of the lethargic fog clouding brain;
kicking and screaming and clawing
like I usually do.
Does the darkness ever end?
Does it even matter if it does?

I'll fight it 'til the ******* end.
**Antidepressants do not make me weak.

I get high to get by.
It's the only way I see,
to ease the pain that's slowly
growing inside of me.
My friends can't stand the change,
they give me misguided looks,
they seem to look at me
like my face is full of hooks.
I hate to see them judge me,
but they don't really know,
I've found a path to happiness,
but it seems so false and slow.
They think I'm like a stoner,
smoking myself to space,
but really, I'm a loner,
looking for an embrace.

The only place I feel safe,
is tucked inside his arms.
I feel like a helpless waif,
so in need of his charms.
Cuz my parents bring me down,
and I'm unsure of my friends,
could anyone accept me,
without going through a cleanse?
Cuz I'm done with faking happy,
for everyone else's sake,
this little slice of happy
is for me, only, to take.

I don't know how to tell you,
that it's so hard to get by,
and if there's one thing that I've realized,
it's that I only smile when I'm high.

You walk by me like I'm an illusion,
well pardon me for the ******* intrusion!
I hate your homophobic speech,
the way you act, hell, the way you eat!

I'm sick of you walking over me,
I hear that's not who you used to be,
but if this keeps up then you will see
just how much hate you have for me...

Cuz, I'll tell you to rot,
I'll tell you to burn.
You're power drunk,
but its my turn.
Is it so fun?
Abusing your son?
Your heart is a hole
and you have no soul.

I'll show you I won't be pushed down,
You're not the only one who fights.
You're so proud you'd wear a crown,
but that doesn't mean you make my rights.