A year ago today,
down to the last minute;
I never thought my whole world
would come crashing down around me.

Tears fall down my face as I remember,
every single thing you said and did;
a year ago today.

I was so scared,
so lonely and heartbroken,
so afraid of the world,
and it took me so long
to find myself again.

Why did I suffer so much?
Why didn't I have the courage,
to end the pain?
I could have, no...
I should have left you.

If I had have known,
that the walls we spent so long building,
were about to come crashing down around me
by your own ******* hand,
I would have prepared myself.

I'll never forget that paralyzing feeling,
that held me in place,
I eventually crumpled to the ground,
and truly cried my heart out.
To this day,
I still, have never cried harder than I did,
a year ago today.

I vividly remember,
as if I were stuck in a bad dream,
the cold sweat,
and the dry air,
the feeling of freezing snowflakes,
sticking to the crystal tears
streaming down my face.

I ran outside and screamed.
I ******* screamed at the world,
and you.
Oh, did I ever scream at you.
I was so confused...
you never gave me a reason why.

And a year ago today,
I still don't know the reason why.

And it haunts me in every single corner of my entire life.

Why did you leave me so suddenly?
Why did you hurt me so bad, so swiftly?
Why did you enjoy my pain?!

That's still what hurts the most.

I remember the days after you left me,
at school...
you laughed at me,
when I crumpled to the ground,
and broke down completely at the mere sight of you.

You laughed,
as I choked on my own tears and sorrow.
You laughed,
as I slid to the floor and passed out,
when I saw you with that other girl.
You laughed at our entire relationship...
2 years and 6 months meant nothing to you,
3 weeks later...
I guess I'm just easy to replace, huh.

You truly tore my heart from my chest,
and it still isn't there,
but it's growing,
thanks to the boy who's shown me how wrong I was.
You never truly loved me, Simon.
But I know someone who does.
I taste it on his lips,
every time we kiss.
I feel it in his embrace,
as he holds me.
I feel safe.
Brent, loves me.

I've given up on searching for your reasoning,
I need to let myself not care.
I'm sad it has to be this way,
you've carved yourself from my life.
You laughed at me in my darkest hours,
and now, something has dawned on me.

Why has the pain not gone away?
Now I finally know.
My body treats this as a funeral,
because who you were,
has truly died.

You are not the man I fell in love with.
You are not who I called my best friend.
I'd hardly even call you human,
with all that ice in your soul.

RIP, Simon,
though you deserve no peace.
rest in pain; and rot away.

I'll never know the reason why.
You can't ask a dead man.
But now,
the funerals over.
And I'm walking away,
as they cover your coffin with dirt.
I will never ever look back to your grave,
because,
I've started a new chapter in my life.
and it started,
a year ago today.

Caged and confused,
I've been so bemused;
I'm wondering who will win.

Will it be me?
Well, I have the key.
But it feels like such a sin.

I'm hiding inside,
and there I abide,
with my former skin.

She tries to usurp me,
she tries to hurt me,
and I see no way to win.

Lost in a whirlwind of total confusion,
I don't understand, is this an illusion?
I groggily drag myself to a mirror,
and wait for my reflection to get clearer.

Explosions of sound go off in my head,
strange images appear in shades of red,
my reflection instills a feeling of dread
as I drag myself off to bed.

There's needles pricking at my skin,
as creatures squirm around within;
the confines of my mind are breached,
hysteria has been reached.

I claw at my skin to subdue the needles,
I scream as my room is filled with beetles,
inside I know this is all an illusion,
but my brain refuses that conclusion.

The air in my lungs feels like fire,
I feel I'm drowning as I perspire,
but as quick as the onset,
the effects expire,
and I'm left to ponder,
what the hell just transpired!?

The thought of suicide...
When you feel like that,
there's no where to hide,
and you'll never forget it.

It can break you,
or it can make you,
but please,

don't ever let it take you.

And here we go again.

We're searching for an end.
A* means to stop the madness,
Kicking and screaming in spite of
Everything society has to throw at us.

Unjustifiable
Punishment.

Calling all police officers,
Arrest us, if you can.
Let us go, if you will, but,
Let it be known, we will be back.

Fighting for freedom
Of opinion, speech, and looking for equality.
Rebelling against

The **** that the media throws at us.
How will we know where to go if
Everything around us is fake?

My friends, we must be critical.
Actions speak louder than words.
Send out a message across the
Seas, so that
Everyone can rise and
Say this with me...

Everyone is beautiful, everyone deserves to be free,
if I am true to myself, then I will be truly happy.

How did I get here?
What did I do?
Tell me it can't be true!
I decided on chemical happiness,
but I didn't think it through.

I didn't think I would survive,
let alone be able to thrive,
without some sort of pill
to drag me up this hill.

I've been stuck at the bottom too long,
and I thought that I could be strong,
but now it turns out I was wrong,
because I guess I just don't belong.

I tried to call you for help,
I was doing the best I could,
but the only thing you got from that,
was that you never do me any good.

You know,
that pushed me down farther,
you knocked me down with your words.
"You should have been able to cope..."
You said,
and I replied,
"I'd be better off dead."

So from here on out,
I'm all alone,
and I don't know what to do.
These pills, they take a toll on me,
but I guess I should thank you.

Thank you for your words of hatred,
they showed me how to love,
and thank you for your acts of violence,
I fight well, and that's what I'm proud of.

I can hold my own against you now,
but I can't win against myself.
These pills destroy unwanted thoughts,
but those thoughts were my morals,
now placed on a shelf.

The ash clouds cry tears of blood,
upon the land swollen with fear.
Trees bend their knees,
to the coming of reapers,
disguised as angels to save us,
from our own living hell,
as the purge rolls on.

Together, we have started this fire.
Burning the whole world to ash.
This place is set for ruination.
Striking the match,
as you set the world aflame.
Watch it as it burns away.

This is a premonition,
of a crisis apparition,
but I don't hurt badly enough to die.

Not yet.

Someone.
One person is all I ask.
Maybe they'll find the time to read this.
Even though it's sad;
One persons greatest fear,
Never quite finding it's way to the surface,
Even though it's always just below it.

Heaven finds a way to taunt me now and then,
Even though I medicate my thoughts away,
Light always fades, and darkness
Plunges through.

My story is one of fear, of despair,
Even. But maybe, I'll find a way out of this

Insanity.

Sex.
Everyone expects me to believe that it doesn't hurt,
Even though they see how tentative I am,

They plainly see how scared I am.
History goes on for...
Ever. And ever and ever and ever.

Why can't anyone let me be in peace?
Hello, I'm looking for a way out.
Instead of helping me,
They just shut me down and out.
Everyone seems to think they know me.

Luckily for them, they don't.
Inside, I hide my true thoughts away, but that turned me into a
Ghost. A former shell of myself, wandering around aimlessly.
Help me? When will it stop? Because the white light at the end of the
T**unnel, was just a freight train coming my way.

I'm sick of the pain!
There's no f*cking gain!
I can't believe there's a life ahead of me.

It's all the same,
it's all just a game.
And it's as stupid as I could ever be.

I need a way out!
I just need to shout!
But I know that no one will hear my plea.

So what's this about?
I'm jumping the boat.
To die in absolute misery.

One year today.
It's been one year,
since you decided,
to leave 4 years behind us.

There's still a place for you,
here in my heart.
Because I miss you.
And I don't understand,
why you left.

Our cultures are different,
I know that.
But did you really have to take it this far?
Because one year later,
my heart still aches,
every single time,
that I hear a witty remark.

In my mind I think
"Sanish would say that."
Because you would.
Your witty remarks,
kept me on edge,
and kept me happy.
Always wondering,
what would happen next.

What will happen next?

Will you continue your life without me?
Because that, I cannot bare.
There's not a day that goes by,
that I don't think about you.

Remember, when we used to look at the stars?
You would ask me,
if I thought that we're looking at the same ones.
And I think we were.
But somewhere,
I think you lost them.

I still laugh at our stupid jokes,
I still cry thinking about our stupid fights.
I still remember the promises we made,
I still remember you saying that it's alright.

I still don't even understand,
why you insulted me the way you did.
Crushing our dreams was so easy for you,
I can't even believe it, who knew?

You were like a brother to me,
best friends until the end.
I think that's why it hurts so much,
I thought that we were friends.

The nights continue on so slow,
as I search the nighttime sky.
It gives me time to think about,
why I even try.

White noise.
It's all that's left now.
The constant thrumming of sound,
washing through my veins,
easing it's way into my mind.
There's no feeling left at all,
Is there?
Because if there is,
I certainly can't find it.

Trapped in my own mind,
the pounding in my ears,
sounds like sand,
sliding through my veins,
weighing me down even more,
than I was before.

Was this even a good idea?
The color of this room drives me crazy.

White.
White walls.
White floor.
White door.
And that stupid fluorescent white light.

That one light keeps looking at me,
it just watches me.
It's constantly reflecting off my pale skin,
prodding it's way through my bright blue eyes,
to poke at the back of my brain.
Why does it have to be so bright?
Why does it have to be so...white.

It's like this entire room was built to watch me fall apart within it.
To constantly reflect my pain upon it's walls.
To beg me to stain it with the colors of my insides.

Red.

Red is what I see.
Hiding my eyes under my hair,
I see red.
The white light is forced to shift it's hue for me,
as I gaze upon it through my spider web of thought.
No one knows what I hide behind my eyes.
No one knows how hard it is to refrain from painting this room.
To cover up the white with red,
and to rid myself of the constant colorless noise.

I won't get drunk often.
Why do it in the first place?!
I don't see the big deal.*
That's because you won't listen!
How can I tell you how I feel?
When you're busy living in a place so surreal.
I can't even tell you what's on my mind,
and I fear that I have been left behind.
Why can't I just shut up and agree?
Why can't I just be normal and see?
See what it's like to mess myself up,
don't stop drinking 'til the end of the cup.
Well that just doesn't appeal to me,
is this the way things have to be?
I don't see the point in losing my mind,
and for some stupid reason, that leaves you blind.
Blind to my wants and blind to my needs,
You don't think something's wrong until it bleeds.

Well I'd like to tell you,
just how I feel.
So maybe today,
I'll show you what's real.

I realized something today.
I realized that,
no matter how many stupid things you put me though,
we had some good times.
But I admit,
the bad might have out shined the good.
In the end,
I knew I would miss you,
But...
I didn't think I would hate you.
And the truth is,
I really do hate you.

I fought against it for a while,
trying to tell myself,
that you had a justifiable reason,
for doing everything you did.
But you don't.
You never have.
And you never will.
Everything you did to me,
was malevolent,
painful,
abusive,
manipulative,
and traumatizing.
And I wish I could make it all go away,
But I can't.

This is my only escape.

Every time I look at you,
you **** the life straight out of my heart,
and the feeling from my limbs.
It's suddenly harder to breathe,
and my blood starts to boil.
And underneath all of those symptoms,
there's a question.
"Who are you?!"
Who are you...
all I want to know,
is who you are.
Because you're definitely not anything that I recognize.

I realize now,
That I was set up from the very start.
But I'd like to think,
if not for just one second,
that 2 years and 6 months actually meant something to you.
Something more than stringing me along,
because I really can't put my life back together,
knowing that you're just out to mess it up.
And I know you are,
because every single thing you've done,
for the past 10 months,
has been deliberate enough for me to see,
that you're just trying to ruin me.
And you know what?
I try to stop you.
But you just break me down so completely, and,
so,
*******,
easily.

Remember what I said?
About how hard it is for me to even look at you?
Think of how bad it is for me to hear your voice!
Your harmonious voice,
taunting me in melodious tongues,
prodding into my brain,
and planting new seeds of doubt,
where they will no doubt grow and bloom.
One word is all it takes.
It doesn't even have to be towards me,
it just has to be around me.
It flows around me,
as surely as the air flows through my lungs.
And it fills my system with dripping venom.
Constricting,
writhing it's way into my thoughts,
and slowly enveloping my heart.
I don't know how long my heart can stay choked like this.
I need air,
I need freedom,
but most of all,
I need reassurance that I'm going to be okay...

In the end,
I know I'll never get to say any of this to you.
But I'd still like to say it.
You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Really.
You're a sadistic, abusive, manipulative, conniving, malevolent...****.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I wish I could take my years, months, hours and minutes back,
so I could have spent them with who I'm with now.
Because never in my entire life,
have I found someone who makes me smile as easily as he does.
His scent makes my heart flutter,
and his happiness is contagious.
When I'm in his arms,
everything is okay.
But there's still that silent sense of foreboding.
That sense that you're still out there,
destroying the lives of other girls,
like you did mine.

I don't know when I'll heal.
Or when I'll even start to heal.
But now I know the first step.

*I need to accept the fact that I need help.

Living in your shadow is worse than hell!
I'm so *******, can you not tell?!
I hide from you everyday,
because I just want you to go away...

I'm sick of my parents talking about you.
I'm sick of all the praise they give you.
I'm so sorry that I can't compare to you,
but I thought parents were supposed to love me too?

Well mom, it's  obvious that you don't care,
I got that from all the times you weren't there.
All the time you spend showing off my brother,
It makes me sick to call you my mother.

Dad, don't worry, you get a punch too.
For all the ******* you've put me through.
"Work harder, like your brother!"
Is what you tell me to do,
but I don't think I want to be like any of you.

I'm so scared of how you'll treat me,
when you find out about this game I'm playing.
You thought you had me all figured out,
but I guess I'm just good at wearing a fake smile.

I don't know how you'll react,
when you see how much you were wrong,
when you find out I was  broken from the start,
how I've  been suffering for so long.

But now, I need help.
I can't take it anymore.
And I'm so scared of how you'll react,
when you find me on the floor.

You asked me **one time,
why I liked the stars so much,
and I didn't really have an answer for you.
But now I do.
I like the stars because,
we're really seeing the past,
and it seems to me that I liked my past
more than I'm going to like my future.

E
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                                             ­                                                                 ­                                 s.

9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes.
What did you really expect would happen in that time?
You had that much time to explain to me,
why you did the things that you did,
and why you left me stranded so suddenly,
with no explanation, and me thinking it was my fault.

So why today?

Why choose today,
to look me in the eyes and say
"Hello."

That one simple word,
struck me down like a lightning bolt,
and tossed me aside like I was nothing but ash.

I'm so confused.
But I'm sure that's what you're trying to do.

You'll follow me around today,
and every single word you say,
will be a lie.

You had 9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes,
to say what was on your mind.
To put my mind at rest.

But you didn't.

You sat around and watched me transform,
into this horrible f*cking shell of my former self.
And it's all thanks to you,
and your enjoyment in watching me suffer.

You had 9 months, 5 days, 14 hours and 23 minutes.

And I won't be wasting one more second with trusting you ever again.

It feels like I have the world on my shoulders,
and the world is too heavy for one person to carry.
I'm just dragging along my wretched frame,
as it sinks further into the ground.

I contemplate how I can fix things.
But I underestimate the power of my own mind,
and slowly I lose myself again,
to the inviting darkness that always seems to loom,
on the edges of my vision.

I don't know when it started,
how I got here,
or when it suddenly got so bad;
that I couldn't stand to be alone anymore.

But the one thing I do know,
is that the person I see in the mirror,
is just another conjured image
of someone who's trying to break me down.

A blood donor clinic.

The smell of all the blood in the air makes me sick.
It brings me back to the time,
where blood flowed freely down my arms;
when blood stained the wristbands that I wore,
to try to hide my pain from the rest of the world,
because I told myself I would never be as stupid as any of them.

But I was.

The smell makes me so dizzy,
the floor comes up to swallow me whole,
but I have the common sense to run.

Far away.

I run to the bathroom,
and all I can feel is the shuddering of my body
as I'm huddled in a corner;
being bombarded by images of a darker time;
images of my Crimson Decision.

I will never forget that day.
I thought I was going to give up on everything,
because everything had given up on me.
I'm glad it didn't turn out that way,
I'm glad I had the common sense to stop.

There's no way I'm letting the world have the satisfaction of seeing me like this.

But every once in a while,
I fall back into my crimson state;
where my body shudders and shakes,
and my mind falls inwards,
dragging my feelings to one central point,
where hell is begging for my soul.

A blood donor clinic.

The smell of all the blood in the air makes me sick.
I could bleed you a pint faster than that puny needle could get,
but I have the common sense,
to re-think my Crimson Decision.

You know, I find it funny;
how you've twisted my words,
and how you've recreated our memories,
to make it look like I'm the bad guy.

Well I'll tell you now,
I won't stand for that.
But here's what I will stand for.

I'm gonna stand up for my feelings,
because I'm sick of you manipulating them.
I'm gonna stand up for my body,
because I'm sick of the pain you cause me.
I'm gonna stand up for my mind,
because I'm sick of the malevolent beatings it has to take,
And I'm gonna stand up for myself as a whole for once,
because I'm sick of letting you tear me down.

You know who I was;
and who I am hates who I've been.
So now, it's time to show you who I really am.

It's funny; the things I'll do to escape you.

I feel the familiar numbness,
as the caffeine works it's way through my system.

The heightened senses,
the small, flashing lights, haunting the corners of my vision,
the nausea as the room starts to spin,
but I like it...

Because, every time I feel this upheaval,
I know that soon enough, my body won't be able to process the feelings;
I know my mind won't react to the seeds you planted there.

You try as hard as you can to make them grow,
you're trying to tear me apart from the inside out,
and once upon a time,
it worked.

But once I feel the shock of my system shutting down,
there's no more room for you to invade.

I know what I do is dangerous.
But when you find something that works,
anything* is a good enough escape.
Even if it means that eventually,
something goes horribly wrong...

Am I doing something wrong?
Because I'm really dying to get away from you,
and so far,

A bad headache and a fast heart beat aren't going to be enough to convince me to stop.

It hurts so much to look at you,
that sometimes I still cry,
and that alone makes me look back,
and start to wonder why...

Why were you so cruel to me?
Until the very end,
you know I find it funny cuz,
I thought you were my friend.

I don’t know what to say to you,
to end all of this pain.
But all I know is this, my friend,
I know it’s all in vain.

Once, you were a part of me.
A big piece of my heart.
And when you had let go of me,
you stole that giant part.

I’ll never be the same again,
I will never be whole.
But in the end, it’s all okay,
cuz I still have my soul.

Just looking at you...
I feel the happiness fade from my heart;
swallowed by the dark void that holds my heart’s rightful place.

Your smile is so fake,
that it brings tears to my eyes.
I know who you are, and I hate you.

But before it got to this point,
you showed me hope, love, friendship,
and most of all, you showed me how wrong I was.

How wrong I was to put my trust in you,
to believe in you, be with you, and act like you.
How wrong I was to call you my life.

I learned a lesson from you today,
I guess I should thank you.
You were my best friend at one point, before I hated you.

And maybe,
just maybe,

You’ll find it in your heart to find yourself again.
So I won’t have to watch you grow as someone you’re not,
and I can finally put my past behind me.

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone insists I live in your shadow.
I need to be more to the likeness of you,
apparently.
I don't like that idea.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong.
I need to be more to the likeness of everyone else to fit in,
apparently.
I scream because no one has the guts to stand up for them self.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because there's too many people telling lies behind my back.
I need to stop doing drugs,
apparently.
I didn't know I was doing them; I'm trying to stand up for myself here.
But, who's there to listen?

I'm in a dark place right now.
Because everyone's taking up all the f*cking light.
I need the sun to survive,
apparently.
I'm trying to tell you that I don't know how long I can live without it.
But, who's there to listen?

My check in card expires today,
so I guess I'll be on my way.
Until I find a way to pay,
This is all that's left to say.


:( Be back soon hopefully!

Falling down
Again, it seems
Like no one
Listens anymore.
It feels like
No one's there, everyone's just...
Gone.

Downward spiral leading me to an
Open vein in my life.
Wondering why I could
Never stop sooner.

At last, when all the smoke clears.
Night turns to
Daylight.

Good morning, is
Everything I needed
To hear.
Today,
I** start myself over again.
Not going to
Get beaten down so easily anymore, because...

Up there, I know you're watching me, and it's you, who
Pulls me back together when I fall apart.

Let the rain fall down,
let it wipe away the pain,
then pick yourself up.

I close my eyes and fall forward,
images fluttering through my mind.
They hit me like a freight train.

Over and over and over again,
I can't stop them.
They hold my mind in a sadistic trance.

I'm standing closer to the edge than I should be allowed.
But why does it matter?
I close my eyes and fall forward.

Who's going to be there at the bottom to catch me?
Or am I just going to crash into the pavement?

I'm lost in your gaze...
the sun could not compare,
to the flame in your golden orbs.

Striking,
the flames lick at the emerald leaves,
swirling together,
stealing my heart,
peering into my soul.

I lose myself in the swirling colors;
that make up my love.

Walk away.
Just go, don't look back.
Nothing here will be the same,
nothing here is how you left it.

You were gone for too long,
things have changed.
I won't bend over backwards,
trying to please you.

Not anymore.

Just walk away.

Wipe the pain away,
and don't lose your will to fight,
you will be just fine.

We've been watching the clocks collapse,
watching time slip away so fast.
I don't know how much time must pass,
before the scars heal at last.

The pitter-patter of tiny tears,
clearly showing all your fears,
dancing on your cheeks at night,
I see it in the moonlight.

I don't know how to help you now,
you have gotten lost somehow.
It seems that you're too far away,
for me to help you live today.

I know you think you're so alone,
you're screaming but there's no one home,
but I'll be there for you, I swear,
I'll help you out of your despair.