She wears an armor of secrets and stories.
Staying safe, toying with truth.
Forger of fact and fiction.
Protector of her thoughts, hers to own,to share or to keep.
The keeper of secrets. a safety net?

the taste of metal fills my mouth
blood seeping from broken capillaries
ive grown accustomed to the taste
lets me know im alive
just the taste though
the pain is non-existent
i feel nothing
frozen over
a heart turned to ice
in the split second it took for you to judge me
im protecting myself
you say you know me..
funny because i dont.
the taste of blood is the only thing i know
security.

With shaking hands do not touch me.
Shaking loose a silhouette of grief,
pain blankets the sky,
I tremble ; the past is coming.
swirling down upon me.
My inner core tenses at the thought of it all.
I will break,
the ground craking beneath me I shake.
your wrath.

a few miniscule sips turned to gulps.
gulps gradually turned to chugs.
chugs turned to *****.
still you werent sober.
still you grabbed your keys and got into your car.
15 miles per hour turned to 30.
30 turned to 50.
Stop lights turned to red.
Stop signs became mere red dots flashing the canvas of your peripheral vision.
nothing could slow you down.
nothing could tell the car awaiting the next turn, that you were coming.
you were coming and you werent stopping.
faster!faster! a lead foot on the gas pedal.
closer! closer!
BAM!
lives instantly taken.
fun turned to hell.
living turned to dead.
lesson learned?

I enter my room.
I search for the blade.
This feeling of death will never fade.
Maybe it was the drugs, the pills, the ****.
Maybe it was the feeling i wouldnt succeed.
Maybe it was my parents fighting at night.
Blaming me for their on going fights.
Maybe it's me, yes that's it!
Now tonight this will be it.
I will slip away and no one will care.
Not even friends who said they'd be there.
Still too young, not ready to go.
So much to live for.
I guess I'll never know..

I say your name.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
All in hopes that the very mention of your name,
will bring you back.
Every sound,
every syllable,
flows from my broken heart,
unto lips chapped from tears.
Four times.
Five.
Repetition after repetition.
I know it wont work.
But your name gives me comfort.
Wraps me in memories.
Protects me.
Do you think of me where you are now?
I know you do.
Taken by the angels that cold october night.
Each star in the sky,
A new member taking flight.
Hit with the impact of incredible force,
I feel you.
I feel every hug,
every sisterly shove,
and it all comes back to me.
Nostalgia rushes in and we are together.
You never left me.
You never will.
Not a sisters on earth,
but sisters in the sky
Forever and always,
You will always be mine.

Are we on the A-team when we abuse others?
Torture them because we don't approve of who they choose for lovers.
Are we on the A-team when we make them feel so small, that everything else in their lives gets bigger?
So big and so scary forcing them to pull a trigger.
Are we on the A-team when we pick on her because of her weight?
Not caring at all, that because of this, shes picked a date to end her life, a terrible, terrible fate.
Are we on the A-team when we don't stand up for what is right?
Causing others to be put down, no more hope left to fight.
Now the question lies with you...
Are you on the A-team?

Hot.
He takes a deep breath.
Closes his eyes and lets go.
The heavens open up.
He sees the light getting closer.
He hits the water.

I guess i picked the wrong player,
in the wrong game of Guess-Who.
because I'm sure by complete mistake,
I ended up with you.
Brown hair? yes.
Brown eyes? yes.
But what questions did the back of the red, white, and blue cards forget to ask?
Cheater? yes.
Liar? yes.
Questions so important, they just happened to leave them off the back of the card.
Oh, i bet the one person dying to know the answer to these questions would be your girlfriend!
He lies, he cheats, come get the one for you!
because even though we never dated,
I'm breaking up with you.

If I could get a tattoo
it obviously would not be of  you
you already scarred me deeper than any needle and ink ever could.
unknowingly etching your future into mine,
thats not what I want.
the removal process would take too long,
years of treatment.
This invisible tattoo you left me with,
unseen to anyone else,
I see everyday.

How dare you speak,
or rather choke my name out of your mouth.
A crevasse so dry an empty,
I am bewildered you could even remember it.
You throw out these dusty words into the air,
my name spread unto this uncaring and ungrateful world.
Why speak of me?
The past has happened.
move along.
Calling out old skeletons in a closet that has been locked for centuries.
Do you speak to call me back?
Are you alone like the many times I was?
Even the slighteset taste or even touch of human flesh to you would help.
Not from me.
Do not tie my arms with this bile you speak from you lips.
I block my ears in fear that I might hear the call from your soul
The one that captivated me and so many others before.
Do not blanket me with lies.
Lies told with such skill that you believe them yourself.
Crawl back into the depths of my closet.
Do not bang on the locked wood that I might let you in again.
Off with you
Be gone.
The past has happened.

Boy meets girl,
Girl meets boy.
His heart a temple,
Her heart a toy.
She thinks yes,
He thinks no.
She says stop,
He says go.
He plays with her heart like a childhood toy,
She cries for hours about the stupid boy.
She calls two times,
He texts her back.
He wants her gone,
She wants him back.

The tunnel is for those of us who can not see the sun
It's not that we are blind, or that the sun isnt shining
it's that we chose to see the truth

A tunnel of hiden pain
secrets, stories that make us,
A tunnel so deep and dark only few survive the fall
The spiraling fall to the depths of our broken minds
our minds so torn, the things we think could ****
In reality we come across as your average teen,
but mentally and emotionally we are so much more
our thoughts and our minds torment us
if the things in our head came to life no one would survive.

And so the tunnel was made,
a tunnel for only the special ones to enter,
a tunnel where there is no light,
a tunnel of our true self.

coffee, so delicate, yet so simple.
it can give you the highest of buzzes,
to the deepest of thoughts.
coffee is a blank canvas.
the drinker is the artist.
splashing vibrant coats of sugar and milk, creamer flowing from brushes. spoons clanking and stirring a beautiful picture.
creating one of a kind work.
to each cup of coffee his own.

What.
What does it mean to have to ability to see the things unseen
by the common population?
Does it mean that every movement
every sound
has a deeper value than something unwanted and shallow?
unnoticed by most
but so very relevant
to the ones it holds meaning for.
Why do we let things deminish our self worth?
To whom it may concern I care.
I actually do care.
I feel everything.
Sometimes to deeply.
But surely enough I feel it.
No matter what may come out of my mouth
unto a world that is not yet ready for my greatness,
I will continue to care and make it known to others.
To whome it may concern.

unrequited.
a word I must get used to.
you say actions speak  louder than words but your actions are lying.
every word previously spoken just leaves me upset or crying.
my body stings around the places you once held it.
anything I felt for you I now regret it.
I didn't know that you never felt the same.
you led me on never showing an ounce of shame.
you didn't care and now I'm left with the pain.
the pain of knowing you is the worst yet.
none of my feelings for you will I forget.
especially the ones engraved in me now.
after all this time I meant that little to you.
and yet you didn't care because I was "giving it up to you"
that's what you do with the person you love
you stole that from me there is no life judge
I cant go to court, like you'd plead guilty anyway
how many girls hearts do you have locked away?
well here's one added to the shelf
along with that you took my self wealth.
just give it all back,
but then again maybe I don't want it.
I trusted you but all your words weren't honest.
so here's one for the books
a girls message back to you.
and I hope one day you find what those girls gave to you.
a heart.
now I know for you that may not be so easy to find.
I hope you have to search until the end of time
to the depths of hell where you originated
I can honestly say you're the only person I've ever truly hated.
so take these words,
ones others may be scared to say
and look at yourself,
because that's all you have at the end of the day.

Downfall.
scrapping knees on concrete.
head slammed hard into fist.
muscles ache.
eyes grow tired.
limbs swell.
lips bleed.
tears fall.
you win.

There were tears in my eyes as I sat down to write this poem. I thought of all the times we shared, memories we made, and promises we kept. You were mine and I was yours, and the thought of anyone breaking up was absurd because we were together.
Blinded by love, we couldn’t see the mass destruction of our own souls and wellbeing.  We were so entangled and enveloped in each other we didn’t notice anything going on around us. We died inside of each other. Breathing in new particles of old limbs, memories, and mistakes, building ourselves anew with the ashes of what we were.
Like the phoenix we burned bright. A crimson red, we burned. Melting and fusing into one. One heart, one mind, one body, one soul.
And what were we left with? Cinders from the fire leaping out, touching the ones we loved and touched, and leaving them with the unintentional scars of our love. Do we really mean to hurt the ones we love, when all we are doing is becoming the person we think deserves someone else’s love? If we are who we are, then who are we? Are we the people we want to be? Or are we the people we told ourselves we would never become? Disappointment passed down through the lines, telling us we will never be what we expected.
No map just mazes. And it’s our responsibility to find our own way out. If we stumble upon someone to help us through the maze, we have found love. But only will that love be real and true, if you make it out of the maze. Leaving behind old partners for new versions of the people they could have been.
This maze is never ending. This maze is life.

Metal armies invade my womb.
taking care of what I cannot.
clinging to me for life,
I carelessly take yours away.
Marching to the slow drum of your not yet formed heart.
The armies march.
Away from me they go.
Content with a job well done .
My body aches.
You are no longer with me.
Three moths flew by so fast.
You were growing so big.
And yet I killed you.
With metaphorical hands I murdered my baby.
They did the job, but they know not what I go through since you've been gone.
I think back to the shiny hospital bed.
The pan they carelessly threw you into.
Thrown away like garbage.
I think of my stomach.
Flat once again.
No life within it's walls.
Room checked out.
Cleaning crew comes.
My belly is new again.
Maybe ready to try again someday.
Life taken.
Vacancy.

when you look into my eyes,
do you see her?
do you see the girl you fell in love with?
Or do you see a broken silhouette where she once was?
you could have made her stay you know.
you could have made her feel alive and wanted.
you could have made her love every inch of herself,
every fiber of her being you claimed to love in the beginning.
what changed that for you?
was it when you found out she was different?
found out she had scars deeper than the grand canyons valleys.
found out she was used merchandise.
found out, that no matter how hard you tried you couldnt erase the memories.
skin inked with distrust and abuse.
no empty canvas was left for your saving fingerprints.
no room to spill kindness and love,
no room for change.
so you, just like everyone else shes ever known,
left her.
you packed your bags and got out while you could.
if you only knew the envy she felt towards you.
You see, you could pick up everything and leave.
while her baggage comes with a lifetime guarantee,
weighed down by skeletons in her closet.
she can not escape.
You left her.
broken, vulnerable, and dying.
So when you looked at her you saw it didn't you?
saw what makes everyone leave eventually...
*you saw her

If love is what we cherish, then why do we let it diminish the power of over coming clouded judgments and an array of disappointments?
We blindly let love take over our soul, and corrupt us with images of what we think love is, not what we know to be true.
For you love him, and he loves you. But is it really love,or what we believe it to be?
You make your mark, you burn, you scar, and yet the other leaves feeling satisfied because that is love.
Love is pain, grief, and hunger. Hunger for closeness to any individual willing to abide by your rules and your version of love.
Falling blindly into the abyss of your soul, just to be drowned by previous relationships and feelings.
Feelings of lust, anger, and sadness define you.
Is that love?

Death the monster of the night
When it comes for me
I will be ready.
Letters I have sent
begging to be taken away,
have gone unanswered.
My scars
my "postage fees" are useless.
Death does not seem to listen.
I cry out for death to take me away
crying so loud even my enemies notice before he does.
I starve myself
Never eating,
but feeding off of the fantasy that I will encounter death soon,
and perfect my imperfections at the same time.
Death,
a bag of bones I lay before you.
End this pain.
take it all.
When you come death,
*I will be ready

Where i go she does not follow,
she sits on the couch full of sorrow.
with a needle aimed at her wrist,
she sits and sits and sits and sits.
making sure no one disturbs her,
she beats them until they're black and blue.
broken ribs and arms, oh the pain.
but from this she does not gain.
people, strangers, enter our home,
they take us away,
they leave her alone.
"mom!" i scream but my voice is hollow,
for where i go she does not follow.

do you ever feel so lost?
not lost in a way where can't find your way home
but lost in way where nothing seems to make sense
no matter how hard you try something goes amiss
wanting to talk to, see and just be close to that one person
without feeling like you are completely annoying them
they say they want to see you too but never make the effort
talking for two months and you've only hung out once
but that one hang out made all the difference
englufing you in what you ultimately tried to avoid after failed attempts
you fall into like with him
he captivates you
every message glowing on the screen making you fall harder
thats when you know
you've gotta get out while you still can.

I lie on the floor
paralyzed in utter disgust
my mouth moving silently
for the words aching to come out
you know.
your mind intertwines with my own
your ears traveling through my brainwaves
listening
always listening
for what i think
you know.
You know dislike cannot compare to what i feel for you.
For what you did to me.
what you took from me.
convinced me to give you my childhood.
sealed the deal with a kiss.
the kiss of judas.
why sound like a broken record
repeating your violations against me
only to let you relive them.
why do i bother.
for what i think of you,
what you did,
you know.