I say your name.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
All in hopes that the very mention of your name,
will bring you back.
Every sound,
every syllable,
flows from my broken heart,
unto lips chapped from tears.
Four times.
Five.
Repetition after repetition.
I know it wont work.
But your name gives me comfort.
Wraps me in memories.
Protects me.
Do you think of me where you are now?
I know you do.
Taken by the angels that cold october night.
Each star in the sky,
A new member taking flight.
Hit with the impact of incredible force,
I feel you.
I feel every hug,
every sisterly shove,
and it all comes back to me.
Nostalgia rushes in and we are together.
You never left me.
You never will.
Not a sisters on earth,
but sisters in the sky
Forever and always,
You will always be mine.

Death the monster of the night
When it comes for me
I will be ready.
Letters I have sent
begging to be taken away,
have gone unanswered.
My scars
my "postage fees" are useless.
Death does not seem to listen.
I cry out for death to take me away
crying so loud even my enemies notice before he does.
I starve myself
Never eating,
but feeding off of the fantasy that I will encounter death soon,
and perfect my imperfections at the same time.
Death,
a bag of bones I lay before you.
End this pain.
take it all.
When you come death,
*I will be ready

How can we be sure that our thoughts are our own?
That everything that has ever come to mind has not been thought of by someone elese somewhere on the planet.
That every idea that we have ever thought or dreamed has been installed in us,
some way maybe unknown to our knowledge.
Orginality is dead.
Who are we?
Let's let society decide

Give me your soul.
I will lock it away.

To the depths of hell I will take it.
Only returning to give you false hope.

Give me your heart
I will keep it in my pocket.

Suffocating it until it loves only me.
I am your only friend.

Give me your life
I shall guard it.

No food shall enter
Only the worthless eat.

Give me you
to starve and hold forever.

Quietly killing you
thinner each day.

I shall win.

If love is what we cherish, then why do we let it diminish the power of over coming clouded judgments and an array of disappointments?
We blindly let love take over our soul, and corrupt us with images of what we think love is, not what we know to be true.
For you love him, and he loves you. But is it really love,or what we believe it to be?
You make your mark, you burn, you scar, and yet the other leaves feeling satisfied because that is love.
Love is pain, grief, and hunger. Hunger for closeness to any individual willing to abide by your rules and your version of love.
Falling blindly into the abyss of your soul, just to be drowned by previous relationships and feelings.
Feelings of lust, anger, and sadness define you.
Is that love?

BANG!
quick breath no sudden movements
BANG!
screams heard throughout the hall
BANG!
blood splatters the window
BANG!
innocent lives gone
BANG!
hide in the closet
BANG! BANG!
no more teacher
BANG!
fifteen kids dead in one round
BANG!
three more dead on sight
BANG!
you take your life
BANG!
childhoods stolen.

a few miniscule sips turned to gulps.
gulps gradually turned to chugs.
chugs turned to *****.
still you werent sober.
still you grabbed your keys and got into your car.
15 miles per hour turned to 30.
30 turned to 50.
Stop lights turned to red.
Stop signs became mere red dots flashing the canvas of your peripheral vision.
nothing could slow you down.
nothing could tell the car awaiting the next turn, that you were coming.
you were coming and you werent stopping.
faster!faster! a lead foot on the gas pedal.
closer! closer!
BAM!
lives instantly taken.
fun turned to hell.
living turned to dead.
lesson learned?

My mind is at a standstill
My heart metaphorically stuck at an infinite fork in the road.
Tripple A has been taking hours,
And the longer I wait the weaker my engine gets.
Moments that once took my breath away,
Now are carbon filled memories that leave me gasping for air.
As the gas prices rise the less motivated I am to put in effort to keep this running.
100,000 miles traveled.
Within those miles lay love,laughter, and lust.
Things that now fuel my hate.
Finally a jump of the engine!
And we are off again.
We weren't broken down, just tired.

You say actions speak louder than words
so why can you not hear my body screaming?
screaming for attention that you might turn your head.
notice me!
my wounds bleed,
drops staining the floor and you still refuse to see,
your little girl is dying, she needs you.
pounding on your door, open up!
notice me!
pounding results in pulsing headaches,
pulsing headaches result in pain.
pain is happiness, but only when self inflicted.
I cant play this game with myself any longer,
I call out for you,
notice me!
time is running out,
my mind paces I feel it might never stop.
Voices growing fainter with every slice of this metal demon.
Soft breezes whisper,
nooooticccee meeeee
the breeze stops,
I can no longer hear the cries from with in the depths of my soul...
**you noticed me

if you could get inside my head
you would know it's my thoughts of you that keep me awake in bed.
the thought that you suddenly might not feel the same,
only finding me as someone to blame.
i look for any excuse to speak to you
any small reason that might start a conversation with you
a minute, an hour it all feels the same,
never enough time to say what i have to say.
so tell me is it true?
have you built an annoyance with me towards you?
have you forgotten about the kisses you stole and heartbeats of mine you skipped?
do you even remember, will any recollection of those nights be missed?
i dont know why but i feel to deeply,
especially for people who dont even see me.
sure they see me but never like i want them too.
i thought that you'd be the exception, guess it wasnt you.

my mind travels back and time and once again i feel the pain
every ounce comes back with great force
not stopping until i am emotionally paralyzed
unable to move i sit still
scared that any movement will surely **** me
i cant face this again
i cant let you take anything else away from me
you stay with me always
the pain of that is just enough for me to breathe
i cant forget what you did
what you said to me
what you stole from me.
nothing is sacred to you.
My mind travels back in time but not my body.
my body sits broken and scarred
wounds caused by your unforgiving hands
i will not let you take the last thing i have
my sanctity.

Her eyes.
Her eyes tell of a hidden story.
within its pages, the book in her eyes contains the terrors and pains that haunt her.
so many tears shed, within its bindings, oceans cried and poured out, drowning anyone who dare try to read and understand her story.
Her eyes.
Her eyes have seen things that would make the average person lose the will to live, seen things that could make you cry.
But dare not cry for her, for she blames herself. she doesnt want your pity or sympathy.
She accepts the love she thinks she deserves, and at the moment it's none.
Her eyes.
Her eyes pierce through those she thinks might hurt her.
paranoid, panicked, she uses her coldness as a shield and armor, letting no one in.
Her eyes.
Her eyes wont let you in.
Too many people have left her, why let another tragic ending begin?
Her eyes.
Her eyes trust no one, and fear a great deal.
She hates her self, her body, nothing is real.
Her eyes.
Her eyes are tired.

If only.
If only I could go back and save your life.
If only I could go back and tell you I loved you.
If only I could go back and take the phone out of your hands so you would see the road.
If only I could change the color of the stoplights.
If only I could have made the light green and not red.
If only I could go back and stop the truck from hitting you.
If only I could go back and stop time.
If only there was a way to bring you back.
If only.

I miss you when I know I shouldn't
I think about you when I know I shouldn't
I miss your lips when I know I shouldn't
I say your name when I know I shouldn't
I don't let you go when I know I should.

She wears an armor of secrets and stories.
Staying safe, toying with truth.
Forger of fact and fiction.
Protector of her thoughts, hers to own,to share or to keep.
The keeper of secrets. a safety net?

My mind spins,
wondering what one may uncover as they search the portals of my mind and heart.
Will they see you?
Oh how i have thought about you for hours on end.
Will they see death?
I've longed never to confront such a terrible monster.
Will they see my family, friends, or enemies?
Or will they see nothing?
For the times that i have felt nothing, when I've never wanted to feel something so much.
Nothing. my mind. my heart. nothing.
For that is what they have become.

mind blank
wrist bare.
blade ready.
an empty canvas.
paint.

One random act.
One random act,
A word spoken unknown of response or purpose.
One random act,
A gentle kiss laid upon awaiting lips.
One random act,
A single glance into the eyes of a lover.
One random act,
Writhing bodies in summer night heat.
One random act,
Falling hearts skipping beats.
One random act,
One falls in love.

Downfall.
scrapping knees on concrete.
head slammed hard into fist.
muscles ache.
eyes grow tired.
limbs swell.
lips bleed.
tears fall.
you win.

Where i go she does not follow,
she sits on the couch full of sorrow.
with a needle aimed at her wrist,
she sits and sits and sits and sits.
making sure no one disturbs her,
she beats them until they're black and blue.
broken ribs and arms, oh the pain.
but from this she does not gain.
people, strangers, enter our home,
they take us away,
they leave her alone.
"mom!" i scream but my voice is hollow,
for where i go she does not follow.

I could pass you on the street, and not even stop to say a single word.
May sound absurd, but i don't even know you, and i hate you.
Is it possible to hate someone you don't know?
It is. I do.
A faceless woman holding on to the regret of never knowing me, and not even sad about the fact that she was letting go of me?
Who knows maybe you love me.
No wait loved me. because you cant even comprehend the word.

I want you.
She has you.
I want to talk to you.
She talks to you.
I say your name.
She says it louder.
You say Im pretty.
You say shes beautiful.
You take a picture with me.
You create and album with her.
I try to tell you.
She covers your ears.
I pull you in.
She pulls you away.
You pick her.

Hot.
He takes a deep breath.
Closes his eyes and lets go.
The heavens open up.
He sees the light getting closer.
He hits the water.

People are so stupid.

And angry.

They’re so angry at everyone and everything.

life goes by,
never stopping to ask permission to make everything in its path grow older.

You cannot force someone to have empathy.
You cannot simply force a narcissist in to your shoes and make them see your side.
They will say the shoe is the wrong size, uncomfortable, and that they couldn’t possibly wear them.
Rise above it.
Know that there are billions of other feet in this world, and not all of them are going to wear your size but a lot of them will.
Don’t waste your time attempting to shove someones feet in to your magical glass slippers,only to have them shatter in front of you on the floor after all your efforts.
Accept some shoes must be broken in first, and things don’t always start out comfortable ,but they do get easier to wear.
Also accept that some shoes will never fit ,no matter how badly we want them to, and that’s okay.
Embrace the history that formed your shoes, got you to where you are today, and learn from it.
Be proud of them.
You are not a shoe salesman.
It’s not your job to make sure they can walk in your shoes, or to ensure a comfortable walk for everyone.
Your shoes are not for sale, they don’t have to be pretty and meet someone else’s standards.
It’s your job to know that whatever size your shoe is, no matter how worn the soles, they are perfect.
They are you.
Most importantly no matter what, there’s always someone else who wears your size.
Even if the one person you thought would be a perfect fit in them, is unable to wear them now, accept that.
Don’t go giving someone’s foot blisters ,attempting to squeeze them in to a shoe they don’t fit in to, and didn’t ask to wear.
You both will end up hurt.
Your hands will bleed, your fingers will tire, leaving only the scars of disappointments and failed attempts to get one to understand you ,and where you’re coming from.
If done too many times, your scars will harden with resentment.
Leaving you to pull back layer after layer of painful scar tissue ,before you are able to untie your shoes again for someone else to wear,
or even try on.
Don’t get stuck in a stage of discomfort and hurt.
Learn to accept the fact that people do change, and some shoes that didn’t fit before might fit later on.
Although, it is not your job to be there until they do.
Some may never fit at all in this lifetime. Ultimately, the choice is yours.
Not everyone wears your size and that is okay. Plenty of other feet in the sea.