when you look into my eyes,
do you see her?
do you see the girl you fell in love with?
Or do you see a broken silhouette where she once was?
you could have made her stay you know.
you could have made her feel alive and wanted.
you could have made her love every inch of herself,
every fiber of her being you claimed to love in the beginning.
what changed that for you?
was it when you found out she was different?
found out she had scars deeper than the grand canyons valleys.
found out she was used merchandise.
found out, that no matter how hard you tried you couldnt erase the memories.
skin inked with distrust and abuse.
no empty canvas was left for your saving fingerprints.
no room to spill kindness and love,
no room for change.
so you, just like everyone else shes ever known,
left her.
you packed your bags and got out while you could.
if you only knew the envy she felt towards you.
You see, you could pick up everything and leave.
while her baggage comes with a lifetime guarantee,
weighed down by skeletons in her closet.
she can not escape.
You left her.
broken, vulnerable, and dying.
So when you looked at her you saw it didn't you?
saw what makes everyone leave eventually...
*you saw her

Strung out.
used.
forgotten.
There is something about the way you told me I would be yours forever,
that made me believe you.
Something hidden inside of the smile I loved.
Something undescribable.
Inviting me into my doom.
You quickly flipped the script and I was alone.
Not that you didnt like me, you said.
But that you werent ready to invest.
Invest?
Invest?!
Tell me you werent ready to invest..
Thats how a relationship starts.
That is what a relationship is.
Im so confused.
You know you didnt want to invest in me.
So why should I invest my time into writing this about you.
Hurt speaks in many ways.
But I invest my pain into poetry.

The tunnel is for those of us who can not see the sun
It's not that we are blind, or that the sun isnt shining
it's that we chose to see the truth

A tunnel of hiden pain
secrets, stories that make us,
A tunnel so deep and dark only few survive the fall
The spiraling fall to the depths of our broken minds
our minds so torn, the things we think could ****
In reality we come across as your average teen,
but mentally and emotionally we are so much more
our thoughts and our minds torment us
if the things in our head came to life no one would survive.

And so the tunnel was made,
a tunnel for only the special ones to enter,
a tunnel where there is no light,
a tunnel of our true self.

Hard cold sweat beads dribble down the frame of my face
My mind in a frantic race against time.
Will I make it?
Will it be too late?
My body rounds the corner at full force,
smashing into nurses,
the contents of their trays now sprawled throughout the hallway.
No time to stop.
I must keep moving.
I make my way to the elevator,
too crowded, I head for the stairs.
Never stopping,
faster! faster!
Fifth floor.
sixth.
seventh.
eighth.
As I reach the ninth floor, I begin to sprint.
Not stopping.
All heads turn in my direction.
I am almost there.
Room 201.
202.
203.
As the spray painted silver numbers 204 flash in front of my face,
I bound through the door.
I am instantly numb.
The sight of you in a hospital bed,nearly lifeless, pale, and fragile, brings me to my knees.
Just a couples weeks earlier you were so full of energy, so.. happy.
As I walk closer to your bedside,
the full image comes into focus.
Laying there so still, so quiet, any slight change of breath would be noticed.
You have no hair.
A place where once my fingers loved to graze,
a place filled with endless complements,
Hair so blonde it would make the sun jealous.
I weep at your bedside.
Memories streaming down my cheeks,
drowned in the salt water flowing from my eyes.
I take your hand.
So cold, but yet so normal.
The one thing untouched by the cancer.
Your long fingernails, perfectly painted just the way you like it.
I gently kiss your hand.
You dont move, or even open your eyes.
But sure enough you smiled.
Not your big cheesy grin you always do,
but a smile so small, only few would notice.
A smile just for me.
And with that smile,
I whispered "I love you."
And you, the love of my life, so young, and so beautiful,
took your last breath.
With your last breath came a small draft of air.
And in that moment,
I swear I heard your voice carried through the room,
The soft tone of your voice whispered back;
*" I love you too."

I say your name.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
All in hopes that the very mention of your name,
will bring you back.
Every sound,
every syllable,
flows from my broken heart,
unto lips chapped from tears.
Four times.
Five.
Repetition after repetition.
I know it wont work.
But your name gives me comfort.
Wraps me in memories.
Protects me.
Do you think of me where you are now?
I know you do.
Taken by the angels that cold october night.
Each star in the sky,
A new member taking flight.
Hit with the impact of incredible force,
I feel you.
I feel every hug,
every sisterly shove,
and it all comes back to me.
Nostalgia rushes in and we are together.
You never left me.
You never will.
Not a sisters on earth,
but sisters in the sky
Forever and always,
You will always be mine.

Death the monster of the night
When it comes for me
I will be ready.
Letters I have sent
begging to be taken away,
have gone unanswered.
My scars
my "postage fees" are useless.
Death does not seem to listen.
I cry out for death to take me away
crying so loud even my enemies notice before he does.
I starve myself
Never eating,
but feeding off of the fantasy that I will encounter death soon,
and perfect my imperfections at the same time.
Death,
a bag of bones I lay before you.
End this pain.
take it all.
When you come death,
*I will be ready

As the days go by my frustration grows.
Frustration so neglected it has taken over my life.
The want and need to write something so powerful,
so visionary that everyone will be able to relate to it on all levels.
Something so outstanding and unique it cant be copied,
or even ignored.
Not to please everyone just to relate to everyone and all things.
Living and non living.
Too much to ask for?
Most likely.
Can it be done.
Im counting on it.