I was always scared of diving.

Yet the idea of swimming among the coral

and with the can't-be-real-because-they-are-to-beautiful-but-are-real fish

was way to appealing.

I dove in and never wanted to leave.

I could've stayed under the surface for eternity.

But there was never enough oxygen in the tank.

And when I was all out of breath

and there was no air to assist me

and so I choked on the very water

I had been dying to be in.

Swords pressed to the point of breaking,
you feel like you are breathing to hard,
but you aren't breathing at all.

This fight will never continue or end
unless someone gives up or in.

And this time, I promise it won't be me.

I always end up in a state of self loathing,

but maybe it's worth it for those few minutes

of feeling like I could do anything I wished

Finally somewhere I belong.

People I know I can trust forever.

A reason to try to be the best I can be at everything I do.

I can feel the parasites crawling from behind my eyes.

Time to take a shower again.

No matter where you go

their prying eyes will be there.

They have to see everything you write,

everything you feel and why.

Anything that they can use against you

to build you up ever so slightly,

and then pull you crashing down.

1 2 3 4

another friend going out the door

5 6 7 8

for my last friend to leave, I only have to wait

Everyone is full of joy,

and I can point out those that come from awful places,

those two kids grew up in a crack-house until they were adopted.

Now they are two of the most joyful people I know!

How?

Maybe that can be me someday. :)

when this beach is stained ******,
lit only by stars at midnight,
no one will know in the morning
because the tide is coming in
and will wash it all away.

The many people push off the train.
I must stay on, but everyone is leaving.
And pushing me along with them.
Their dull faces not caring that staying,
not going with the flow of people,
is everything to me.

As I'm about to be pushed out,
I fight back, looking back into the train.
There is a couple standing there,
they somehow escaped the flow.
Holding hands, smiling brightly.
Moving in closer.
"NO!!" I shout as the people block my sight
and I'm carried out.

No....that was my everything.
That should have been me.

I should have been her.
I should have been holding his hand.
I should have been happy.

And thus I continue to distort pristine images.

Just to convince myself that something good must come from this..

It's been over a year now,
but even now
with every word comes a memory

And I can't forget...


Will I ever even get over you?

The thunder of the falls never stops

it is always hammering into my ears

the water never stops flowing endlessly, listlessly

a monotonus scene passing before my eyes

you never leave my mind and heart

My mom has been trying to get me to go back

to my old phycologist again,

just because I lock my door at night.

Some mistakes are bigger then others...

why did yours have to destroy my life

and leave it for me to fix when I was old enough to understand?

Nothing to say,
nothing to do.

What do I do now?
Who do I turn to?

One of the best in my life
may soon be gone.

There's no place or person to turn to.
But if nothing is done, it won't be to long.

I always end up in a state of self loathing,

but maybe it's worth it for those few minutes

of feeling like I could do anything I wished

I used to have enough anger and frustration

to go right through a brick wall,

and then build it back up again, just so I could destroy it again.

But they forced it in me.

That yes, you can always be yourself,

but you can't go against our rules.

Everything I have is that will the fight against the systems they have set up.

And the beat all that will, all the fight I had in me out and into the radioactive rivers flowing by

so calmly, so peacefully.

And now I'm nothing

but another clone

another....thing that has been beaten out of their system.

Darlin' be calm,
everything will be alright.

The moon will rise
the sun will bring light to the world.

You'll find love someday,
and I hope it's everything you didn't find in me.

If you stuff to much of anything
into anything

the pressure builds
until it explodes.

You will soon find...
I can only retain so much information.

But by then,
it will be to late.

And I will be gone

every night, i stare at the moon. Either looming high and bright in the sky's fabric, or low, partially hidden by trees, it's always there.

I would watch the moon slowly go through the phases, a solemn reminder of passing time
With each full moon came a sudden burst of excitement, it was the time to get everyone together and discover the moon for real through a telescope, and lay in the grass, star-gazing.

But the moon will always slip away in a goodbye, until all that's left are memories and drifting stars with no leader

until the next full moon

Innocence is ruined

when in first grade

the sound of fireworks celebrating freedom

takes you back to a day in a classroom

that almost ended your life

Bury me in a ship
Deep down in the ocean.

So that a coral could grow on my coffin
and colorful fish could stop by for a visit.

And something dead could create something beautiful.

Must make money.....

Must do all my school work.....

Must work out and lose enough pounds that I'm not fat anymore...

Must regain all the trust that has been lost....

Must find a way to make everything better again.....

AHH

How to prioritize????

You can only put so much into one without completely losing all the others.

That split second of eye contact

was like seeing a shooting star for the first time.

Why should I keep going?

We spend half our lives preparing for the other half of our lives.

And half of those halves of our lives are spent doing nothing.

are spent doing nothing other then studying, preparing for things to come (that never even come)

"This isn't how things are supposed to be"
she said.
"I'm so sorry you have to hear all this"
she said.

If she really means this,
then why doesn't she make the effort necessary to save everything from falling apart?
Why doesn't she stand up so her voice can be heard when she's right?

Why can't she care 100% for once...
not be halfway here in mind.
Like things are supposed to be.
Don't be a hypocrite...
I don't need another in my life.
But please just try to open your eyes
and keep our family together.
Because I can't do it by myself.

The city spreads out before you,

large and bright with sound.

In moments like this,

you feel like you own the world,

and the future is full of opportunities

You always run from your problems.

If you want to literally run as well,

I'll gladly become your problem.

Let this music blast me to hell

I honestly don't care where it takes me,

as long as it's away from reality

Everything you want, handed to you
But nothing you need is here

They'll give you the stars, the moon, all the planets.
but you can't have the Earth, you can always die of thirst.

My messages are pending...

is it crazy that i check every few minutes
just to see if you have been on?

maybe things never really ended between us...
maybe you think of me as often as i think of you...

but that's just a stupid wish

Sometimes I go back into my fantasy

where you look back at me,

and you aren't thinking of her.

He sits there,
joyful music in his ears,
a frown on his face.

If I stop working

on pointless projects

I'll start thinking of you.

If there is a cure out there

to prevent tears from falling,

Please

someone...

tell me it to save my heart from breaking.

Staring at the screen

knowing you are there

but knowing I can't say hi

Your ghost will always be here.

But now I can deal with it

Go on and starve yourself if you think you're fat

(even though you're already a toothpick)

I've tried your methods to have a flat stomach.

(It didn't work)

If I'm going to starve myself and feel depressed

(feeling worthless and never good enough)

to get a flat stomach, to hell with that.

I'd rather be fat and with a smile