and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

You showed her fist.
I showed her trust.
You showed pain.
I showed her love.
Who you think?
She's gonna love better.

Now that's she's happy.
You trying reignite interest.

You showed her hurt.
I showed her a better picture.
You showed her mistrust.
I showed her effort.
Who you think?
She's gonna love better.
If not me.
The man that made her happy.

Every since she departed your world.
She has found her life served more better.
Cause I'm that man that made her happy.
Now you trying to reignite interest.

To no avail.

I have this dream that I'm a failed 1940's housewife.
And I can't get this image out of my mind.

I swear I left the iron on,
The sink is overflowing,
The roast it burning,
The twins are crying,
The washing machine is pouring out suds.
And my husband gets home....
It's a mess.

He tries to put me in my place,
Apparently I must be submissive.
He tries to **** me in the kitchen
To prove his possession of me.
I yell and scream and
When he doesn't stop....
The knives were just.....
Too close to my end of the counter.

My lawyer pleads insanity.
I just plead.

He was the type of boy who said
He wanted to fix you
But three months later you'll find yourself crying
On a bathroom floor because
You forgot that you were made of glass
And it doesn't take much to shatter your bones.

And he'll swear that he loves you but
In four months you'll be outside of the ER
Begging for painkillers that'll make you forget
How to breathe because you no longer want to feel
What it's like to be at war.

And one day you'll learn how to drown in bottles of liquor
Because you don't want to remember who you are but
The way he tasted
Will always be burned into the back of your throat and
No amount of ***** can wash away
The reminder that you still keep the back door open
Incase he ever decided to come home.