-    

                                                  winter
introductions
first kiss
falling in love

                                                  spring
ar­guments
depression rises
love becomes rigid

                                                 summer
distance
hostility consumes
constant emotional war

                                                 autumn
reconcile
laughter blossoms
broken hearts mend

-

driving 90 mph on the freeway with the windows down and the storm makes the sky look like the bruise your teeth left on my neck when we made love on my white sheets with the fan on full blast

2. waking up in a cold sweat from some type of horrific nightmare and staring at the moon in the black night wishing you were right there next to me telling me it is all going to be okay even when I fear it won't be

3. jumping off of rocks into the river with a slight intention of never resurfacing only to realize how cold and dark it is at the bottom and I find myself reaching for the light and gasping for air

I can't seem to think
or do anything
without being reminded
of you

so I will spend my time
writing useless words
that you may never see

now I guess I will just make a list
of a few things that I miss

the time you ruined my hair in the shower
the time you wore my shorts around the house
the time you picked me garden flowers
the time you put your hands up my blouse
the time you walked me to the park
the time you shared my cigarette
the time you danced with me in the dark
the time you said you would never forget

how sad that these were perfect moments
in time
and now they are just merely memories
of mine.

I said it before
and I will say it again
You are haunting me
infecting me
possessing me
You have taken root
in my heart
and grown flowers
around my bones
I radiate you
with every fiber of my being.
But I am not beautiful
No, far from it
toxic
covered in a darkness
that you will never know.
But there is a light
a small gleam of a blossom
and soon, soon
I will bloom
and I will be lovely

I walked into the room
he said he liked my hair
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I sang a song to myself
he said he liked my voice
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I had a staring contest
he said he liked my eyes
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I let him kiss my lips
he said he liked me
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.

bury my feet in the sand
each granule is a reminder
of how minuscule I am
sharp cold water rushes
angry against my shins
the shock leaves me gasping
but soon I become numb
walk along the edge of the earth
where the blue meets the gold
the sunlight kissing my forehead
my smile is eternal gratitude
it is moments like these
that remind me I am alive

the pain in my chest comes and goes in waves now
I am not sure if it has anything to do with the cycle of the Moon or not
(but it probably does, She controls everything)
-
I got really sick at the same time you decided to walk away from me
my lungs were infected and starting to fail, but you weren't there
maybe that's why it was so hard for my body to fight back
it was too busy trying to heal my heart
well, it's been almost three months now
and my lungs are working again
I guess now I am just waiting for my heart to get to the same page
-

sometimes my parents will ask me
"are you really going down that road again"
with such disdain and bitterness
and it just makes me so angry
because they do not realize that depression
is not a road one chooses to go down
and it is not a road one can easily exit
it is an unpaved road riddled with cracks and potholes
with no street signs or stoplights to guide us safely home
and to accuse someone of willingly taking that road?
well, that is how some of us end up there in the first place
-

The kind of waking up
that rattles my bones
fogs my memory
blurs the lines
between dreams
and reality

what time is it
what day is it
where am I
where was I

but the absolute worst
part of this kind of waking
is not having you here
to comfort me with kisses

Built to keep others out
Built to keep myself in
Brick by brick, I laid them down
Losing sight of the real world
Sunlight fades, stars vanish
But I am safe.

There is a hole in the wall
Barely big enough for a soul to fit through
You sit there relentlessly
And chip away at it
In efforts to come inside

Go away before you get hurt
There is a reason why the walls are up
There is a monster inside them,
A monster inside me
Yet you are still here

You call out to me
Words like love and trust
I can hear it from outside the walls
You are getting closer
I am growing more afraid

I try to lay more bricks down
But you are far stronger
You over power me with love
A force that knows no limits
And here you are, behind my walls

Vulnerable
Exposed
Fearful
Shaken
Burning

Take your coat off
Make yourself at home
Let me get you a drink
Won’t you stay for a while?
It’s been so long since I have had a guest.

Get me out
out of this skin
out of these bones
out of this mind
out of this soul.

I need out
out of this place
out of these walls
out of this circle
out of this all.

I need to feel
feel alive
feel loved
feel wanted
feel you.

Make me feel
feel warmth
feel serenity
feel something
feel anything.

Show me a spark
a spark of hope
a spark of light
a spark of joy
a spark of life.

Give me a spark
a spark of trust
a spark of wisdom
a spark of strength
a spark of passion.



Wrap me in your love, surround me in your light.
Pull me out of this darkness, help me win this fight.
I can not do this alone anymore.
I surrender, I surrender.

kissing him was like licking a battery
static electricity when you go down the slide on the playground
I want to be the cigarette between his fingers that he so politely asks if he can smoke
he has a darkness, but I like that
I have a darkness too, but he likes that
(my glasses fogged up when his tongue was in my mouth on the park bench in the middle of the rose garden as people around watched with disgust)
-

the realization
that it was never really love
but it was just an idea
a seed that was planted
beneath infertile soil
with the hopes of a harvest
bringing color and beauty
luscious and full
but you see, my dear
a garden can not grow
without being watered.

I often find myself daydreaming
about the place that used to be
my favorite place to lay

the right side of your bed next to the windowsill

I have never felt so safe
in a place so simple
in a place so simple

The way the wind blew
through the curtains
onto our naked skin
            or
The way the sun beamed
and illuminated our freckles
as I kissed your smiling face

I imagine myself being there
when I can hardly stand
being in my own skin
           and
I can not help but smile
because I can feel your body
next to mine in perfect symmetry

-----

this is the place
that I miss the most
please take me back
please take me back.

prayers for winter
hanging on my lips
the bones of the forest
bare and blanketed in white
not a single sound
except for the trees breathing
the fireplace warms our skin
the whiskey warms our stomachs
your flannel draped loosely
around my goose-bumped shoulders
we soon fall asleep blissfully
to the sound of our heartbeats
syncing with the fall of snowflakes

the clock is ticking and talking
to me with its hands around my neck
until my throat is bruised, black and blue
reminding me of past events, of past lives
(I have died three times)
there's a boy, another boy, and another boy
no
there's a wolf, another wolf, and another wolf
they all must have the same taste in meat
(young and vulnerable, marinated in alcohol)
they aren't from the same pack, but they feel the same
when they hold you down and devour you
leaving nothing left but a pile of bones
(and a lifetime of paranoia, trust issues, bitterness, panic attacks, depression, rage, therapy bills, suicide attempts, hospital visits, scars, addictions, alcoholism, low self-esteem, family estrangement, failures, eating disorders, and the ever-present feeling that I am being watched)
-

stop writing about me
stop breathing for me
stop dreaming of me
stop waking with me
stop speaking to me
just please
stop
breathing
dreaming
waking
speaking
(forever)
sorry
I didn't mean that.
If you jump, I jump.
(please jump)

it sneaks up on you
and it follows you
you know?
like a ******* shadow
and then you forget it's there
because sometimes the sun shines
and sometimes the sound of laughter
and the beating of hearts
scares it away
but then it always, always
finds a way back to you
and devours you

you know?