I don't know what is so sacred
about a pinky promise
but I do know
that I have never felt
so sure of anything
as I did with your pinky
wrapped tightly around mine
as you whispered in my ear
always
-

I took a vow of silence
spoke not a word for weeks
but then one winter's night
I woke up singing
a song with a foreign tune
and lyrics I did not know
but I kept on singing
and like a map,
it lead me straight
to you
-

I haven't been able to write much lately
and I think it is because
for the first time in a long time
I have no sadness
-

All I wanted was to go to the beach
to smell the fresh salt air
feel the sand between my toes
I had you in my arms
I had you in my arms
But the ocean was a building
and the sand was a series of hallways
Before I knew it, I was back at the hospital
needles and machines poking and prodding
Doctors and nurses shouting and running
like the mindless drones I know them to be
But still,
I had you in my arms
I had you in my arms
You were the only one
who believed in me
when I said I didn't want to die
You were the only one.

-

Nothing like a good ol' fashioned nightmare
to rattle your spirits and twist your stomach

remember darling,
that you will never
be able to taste the salt of the sea
or smell the flowers in the garden
or feel the worn pages of the books
or hold the hand of the one you love
when you are busy hiding under the blankets
-

the memory of you
can not be categorized
into good or bad
black or white
wrong or right
day or night
I hate you
oh, but I love you
You are hideous
no, you are beautiful
my sweet little paradox
-

Break down.
Look at everything around, and all I see is you.
You are my past, you are my present, you are my future.
You are my worst, you are my best.
You have made me, you have destroyed me.
You build me up, up, up.
You knock me down, down down.
My thoughts, they revolve around you.
Your gravitational pull, it is far stronger than my will to leave.
I fell for you, in all your infamy.
How can I leave?
How can I stay?
Please don't force me to choose.
You can't expect me to.
You know how weak I am, how quick to give in.
Quick to forgive, quick to forget.
You never had to deal with consequences, it always came so easy.
How great it must be to live your life.
I was here when you needed me, here when you wanted me.
Did you ever need me?
Did you ever want me?
I'll never know.
I have always known.
I say I love you.
You say okay.
That's how it should be, right?
Wrong.
So very wrong.
But you were never wrong.
How could you be?
I never allowed it.
You were perfection, my obsession.
But you are a killer, cold blooded.
You murdered me, claimed my heart as your prize.
But,
I love you.
No, I loved you.
You have me.
No, you had me.
I have chosen,
I am breaking free.

and just like the leaves
I, too
die in autumn
-

-
banned from the sea
you crawled onto land
and there you found me
-
the salt on your skin
tastes just like home
tastes like where I fit in
-

Talking to no one
Because no one talks to me

Listening to no one
Because no one listens to me

Loving no one
Because no one loves me

Trusting no one
Because no one trusts me

Relating to no one
Because no one relates to me

Crying to no one
Because no one cries to me

Leaning on no one
Because no one leans on me

Caring for no one
Because no one cares for me

Having faith in no one
Because no one has faith in me

Looking for no one
Because no one is looking for me.








No one is here, no one is there
Oh please, just be my no one.

I got so sick of all the
force fed motivational *******
about how it all gets better
and that I'll be "normal" someday
with a little therapy and a lot of pills
****,
I didn't want to hear that
all I wanted was for someone
to ******* be honest with me
and tell me that it is okay
to want to die
-

There's just something about these late nights

that scratch at my skin
and claw at my heart
pull at my hair
and tear me apart.

I yearn for you.
my lungs miss your breath
my body aches for your touch
my eardrums cry for your voice.
I will do anything.
apologize for your mistakes
beg you to take me back
sacrifice my own heart.


Please come back.


Oh God, not this again.
There's just something about these late nights...