we talked about forever
like it was something feasible
and at times I believed it was
a forever
with a person
with a soul
but you have no soul
that became evident after you
     hit me
       pushed me
          misused me
             kissed her
                 ****** her
                    picked her
I'm well aware
that I am no Juliet
but you were never a Romeo
despite your fake and valiant efforts
where are you now?
alone
like me
the difference is
you will always be alone
but I fell in love again
I guess you found your forever
sure hope it was worth it
*****.

It's kind of hard
to find a Mother's Day card
that is fitting for you,
Mommy dearest
So I wrote you my own:

"Thank you for never loving me
the way a mother is supposed to love
her darling daughter.
You taught me that I will never be
good enough
skinny enough
pretty enough
to make it in this world."
-

I wonder what that is like
to always feel something
when your lips touch another's

I remember what your lips meant
they represented comfort and
always left me gasping for breath

I have kissed others since you
left a tiny imprint on their body
but never on their heart
like I did to yours

my darling,
the universe is never perfect
for more than one night at a time
   -but why?
because sweetheart,
if every single night was perfect
then the flame would lose its spark
   -but I love her
   *-I know

tongue tied
knots of guilt
taste like him
taste like you
replace you
I'm trying to
he ****** me hard
better than you
he kissed my forehead
but I still felt you
the *** stained sheets
lead to blood stained wrists
I don't know what else to say
I hope this ruins your day
in one way
or another.

the rain is making small rivers
in the parking lots and crosswalks
I could drown in one on accident
or get struck by lightning
the thunder is so strong that
a painting could fall off the wall
and crack my head open
this is all so terrifying
I feel small, like a child
(I am insignificant)
-

You are a rare flower
one that does not blossom
when the sun tells it to
you emanate beauty
heavenly color schemes
with petals of silk
and a stem of steel
aromatic and sweet
my garden is full of you
all mine,
you are all mine
My perfect flower.

so many inconveniences
-
the tiny parking space I am given
the red lights on the way to work
the empty pack of cigarettes
the commercials on the radio
the obnoxious children next door
the distance between you and I
the fact that you are just a boy
the realization that I am getting older
the light that flickers on my vanity
the churning in my stomach
the god awful heat wave
the lack of flowers in my garden
the lack of a garden in general
the promise of you moving on
the ache residing inside my chest
the empty pill bottle on my dresser
the nightmares about you
the heart that refuses to let me die
-
so many inconveniences

you're like a scab
that I keep picking at
and refuse to let heal
even though it is
going to leave
a horrendous scar
-

Remembering.

Monday morning, the call came in.
All falls silent.
Drop to my knees.
Gasping for breath.
This can't be happening.
You can't be
gone
But you are.
You left this earth
                                    life
                  ­                        body.

                                  ­              I just miss you, that's all.

No warning, no tell-tale signs
You just up and left
It wasn't your time
How could this happen?

                                                 I just miss you, that's all.

Look up at the sky
I feel you
But I can't see you
I can't hear you.
All I see, all I hear
is the sound of people around me.
Everyone's sobs clash into one
We are one broken heart,
trying to remember how to beat.

                                                   I just miss you, that's all.

The stars shine even brighter
You gave them your light.
You will always be our light.
The rush of this wind
is sending shivers up my spine.
My spine...
I seemed to have lost it when I lost you.
Please help me find it again.
Please help me find you again.

                                                  I just miss you, that's all.

"Stay strong, strong for everyone else"
That is all I keep hearing
What do they know?
Are they not feeling this, too?
This emptiness that you have left.
But how can I blame you
Who the hell can I blame?

                                                  I just miss you, that's all.

I am selfish.
I want you back.
We all want you back.
Aren't we all selfish?
No, God is selfish.
He took you, took you for himself.
But who can blame Him?
I would take you, too, if I could.

                                                     I just miss you, that's all.

Standing on my own two feet
Never presented such a challenge.
Help me stand tall again.
Stiffen my bottom lip.
Nothing seems to function like it used to
You took my strength with you.
Why would you do that?
I know you didn't mean to.

                                                    I just miss you, that's all.

I want to see you again.
Want to smile again.
Want to feel again.
Want to believe again.
You are so far away
In the atmosphere.
You are so close
In the air that fills my lungs.
Breathe in, breathe out
Consume me.

                                                            ­**I miss you.

cycle
rinse cycle
rinse and repeat
repeat offender
offense defense
defender of the light
light of my life
life without love
love will break you
you will break me
me, who am I
I am just words
words thrown together
together forever
forever doesn't exist
exist is all we do
do you want to
to exist somewhere
somewhere secret
secret is safe
safe in your arms
armed forces
forces stronger than love
love
love
love
love
*love

I got some books last weekend
some filled with flowers
some filled with words
some filled with poetry
all filled with heartache
As I flipped through the pages
my hands began to bleed
and I realized that it was not my own
but it was the blood of the people
who turned their heart and soul
into black ink on a piece of paper
-

It was your birthday yesterday
You would have turned 19
I would have gone to your party
and we would have been drunk
girls would be kissing you
and you would be king
but we put you in the ground
two and a half years ago
-

Lately
I wake up in
a state that cannot be found
on a road map
and I wonder why
you are not there
   where are you these days
          getting drunk with your friends
    why did I love you
I have no ******* clue
    but still
          night after night
    I dream about
death
and I dream about
you

I didn't really know much about whirlwind love
or shotgun weddings
Until I went out with a forbidden boy in my new city
almost immediately we were struck by lightning
electric and on fire
with his hand on my face
dancing and kissing and sweating and laughing
someone thought we were married
so to make it right
he got down on one knee and I spent the week as Mrs. S
I broke all my own rules with him
*** with the lights on, holding hands in public
giving up my jaded and calloused heart
my favorite moment?
standing in the shower with him
listening to Beach House
hot water falling on us like sweet honey in the summertime
the soft glow of afternoon sunshine beaming in from the window
we took turns washing each other's hair
and kissing each other's necks
nothing has ever felt so pure
so safe
so beautiful
-

I am so much better than I used to be
in every way possible
I don't cry as much anymore
I don't scream as much anymore
I don't let unworthy men put their ***** hands on my body anymore
Recovery comes in waves, big and small
and sometimes it is hard to celebrate the little victories
so here's to those triumphs, the forgotten ones
Here's to getting out of bed before noon
here's to not calling in sick to work
remembering to return the dvd's on time
eating food that will make me feel good
eating food in general
bringing my inhaler with me when I know I'm going to smoke cigarettes
not beating myself up for smoking said cigarettes
here's to a summer in which I am actually comfortable in my own skin
and here's to daily progress
-

I hear your heart beating
from across the room
your asthma is so cute
when it is trying to **** you
-
Sink your teeth into me
****** fixated on my flesh
salt lingers on your tongue
here comes the chemical reaction

the night when you held my hand and talked to me about the constellations and I started getting a rash from the grass but I ignored it because I didn't want anything to ruin the feeling growing inside of my chest and I think you could tell but you didn't say anything either maybe it's because you felt the same way I mean you did kiss me didn't that mean something didn't I mean something how could you let that go how could you let me go I thought you were the colors of the sunset and the first breath after being under water but you aren't you are just a rainstorm on a day I forgot to bring an umbrella
-

I almost wrote about you
about your curls and your small hands and your maroon sweater that you stole from american eagle
how teardrops slid down your cheeks when you told me about things you haven't said out loud in years
how teardrops slid down your cheeks when I told you that I have had a similar trauma
the way you held my face in your hands when you kissed me as the sun rose and how safe I felt when you held me tightly during the thunderstorm that rattled all the doors in the house for hours and hours

but then you told me you weren't ready to feel things
(I should have seen that coming)
-

to set the records straight
it doesn't still hurt because I still care
but because I think about all the wasted nights
I spent alone in my bed with thoughts of you
and blood stained wrists
when I should have been on my rooftop
counting shooting stars and singing to the moon
-

I once dated a boy who
reminded me of my mother
they both loved their cigarettes
more than they ever loved me
-

I had a dream about you last night
for the first time in a long time
I walked past you on the street
and my heart began to sink
just as it does every time I see you
but this time was different
because you chased after me
and ran into my arms and embraced me
and we stood there sobbing in the middle
of the ******* street in broad daylight
and you whispered in my ear
"I will never leave you again.
I will always love you."
And I woke up in that instant
thinking for a brief moment
that it wasn't just a dream.
But it was.
You have forgotten about me.
I am a chapter you do not want
to ever reopen.
-

the night we camped in my car
in the backwoods of the city
I had an anxiety attack
so we drove to a gas station
got some water and antacids
slept in the bowling alley parking lot
woke up with ice covering the windows
it was only 28 degrees that night
but we slept safely and we slept soundly
because ******* it, we had each other
-

self proclaimed straight-edge
self proclaimed alcoholic
self proclaimed gentleman
self proclaimed *******

I don't know
who
or what
you are anymore.

yeah, I know the feeling
a constant battle
between the
superiority and inferiority
complexes
it's enough to send us
over the edge
(we wish)
-
but the beauty is
I am here with you
you
are not alone
no matter how hard
you push everyone
away
I will never ever
leave you,
my darling
-

*I promise.

the kinds of things i think about after taking seven shots of tequila:

he looks really great his eyes aren't dead anymore and we even hugged for the first time in years

she doesn't deserve him or the way he carries her around when she is too drunk to stand up on her own

my hair has gotten so long remember when I cut it all off in the bathroom at Erin's house because I was too weak to cut my wrists open and bleed to death

did I take my medication today? why do I keep forgetting to take my medication? Why am I so scared of my medication?

I really wish he was here right now so I could kiss him and sit on top of him and pull his hair. I hope he doesn't **** himself. I am starting to like him too much.

-

I've written and rewritten
my suicide note dozens of times
and I am still not satisfied
because I can not figure out how to
politely tell you that I want to die
but that it is in no way
anyone's fault
-

she's the kind of girl
who wears rain boots in summer
in hopes of catching the eye
of anything or anyone

he's the kind of boy
who sews patches on his denim
in attempts to impress
the punkrock cardboard cutouts

they're the kind of kids
whose parents keep a watchful fist
on nothing but the bottles of gin
hidden in the top drawer

pucker up
lipstick smeared
red and coral
make a rainbow
on your thighs
across my neck
kiss you softly
bite me roughly
scratch marks
on your shoulder
scars line my wrists
but you don't care
I'll show you mine
you show me yours
take those perfect bones
and throw them on me
now let's disappear
in each other

you once told me
that you wanted to make me smile
the way I did when you kissed me
for the rest of your life
and I am smiling like that now
I have been for a few days
and you are the reason
not because you picked me flowers
or because you said I was pretty
but because you let me go
and now I have the sunshine
and I have the garden
all to myself
and oh,
does it feel good
thank you.

“How did you know you loved him?”

I was too drunk to answer with a lie
So I poured out the truth like wine

I knew I loved him when
His name tasted sweet on my tongue
The warmth of his touch became an addiction
Every dream, every thought was consumed by him
My smile lit up as if I swallowed the sun
Each kiss was a flower blooming with color
Making love to him left me feeling infinite

You see,
I knew I loved him because
Losing him took the breath out of my lungs
and
Telling you this took the beat from my heart

I thought you were going to like me
forever and always
but instead
you liked the way
the back of your hand
felt against my face
you liked the way
my throat tightened
when you came
you liked the way
my wrists bleed
when you were with her
you liked the way
the ambulance sounded
when it took me away

you liked all these lovely things about me
but yet you never really liked *me

You love me,
You love me not.
Which petal will you pull off of the flower today?

-

So unpredictable,
like a weather system moving in.
Cloudy with a chance of heartache
Sunny with a high of butterflies.
I never know how to prepare myself.
Do I board up the windows,
or do I put my heart back on my sleeve?

-

Getting dizzy from the circles you spin me in,
my legs are growing weary from chasing after you.
I always follow your lead,
never asking where you are taking me
never looking before I leap.
That always comes back to haunt me...

-

Why is this all so one-sided?
Don't I have a say in things?

-

*Ha, that's a good one.
Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

depression is like a lot of things
tonight it is like this:
-empathizing with the tea kettle who screams and screams until someone comes along and removes her from the fire
-clutching tightly onto a way too hot mug despite the discomfort because at least you feel something tangible (sidenote, related) comparable to holding a piece of your own heart/a piece of someone else's
-listening to every song you can think of that will make you cry and doing absolutely nothing about it
-coming home from work with expectations of accomplishment but staying in bed/isolating for the remainder of the day
-avoiding mirrors, or even worse getting lost in them for a half hour trying to figure out what exactly you even look like
-inducing an early sleep cycle to avoid any further feelings of heaviness

but it is ok!
or at least it will be!
tomorrow is a new day for us all
-

I slammed my leg in the car door yesterday
and it has left me with a decent sized ****
all pretty and painted purple and blue
and for some reason I cannot stop touching it
the pain gives me a rush, or something
reminds me that I can feel things and get hurt
without having to do it to myself
(I haven't cut myself in eighteen days)
-

and I count the patterns in the paint
and the tiles on the ceiling
and the freckles on your face
and the scars on my wrists
and the threads in the sheets
all in the midst of
a cough syrup haze
-

the wolves howl at the same time every night
echoing through the valley like an empty stomach in a quiet room
they remind me of you
(for obvious reasons)
I'm not ready to admit (out loud) that I feel something when I see your name
and that my heart skips a beat when you touch me
-

Have you ever had somebody love you more than anything else?
because it is honestly the greatest feeling in the entire universe.
comparable to the first ray of sunshine after weeks of rain
or the first sprout of a flower in an otherwise barren field
like finding a sand dollar on the beach that is completely in tact
the smell of summer wafting in the air on the last day of school
or the way an old book feels in your hands as you turn the page
infinite
-

I came barreling around around the corner
in the passenger's seat of a white jeep
that belonged to a handsome fellow
And that was when I saw her
beautiful, furious
fuller than I have seen her in a long time
She was waiting there for me
just as she always is and always will be
she loves, she cleanses, she consumes
Her colors effortlessly paint a smile across my chapped lips
and I am reminded of what matters in this undecided existence
To surround ourselves with the things that make us feel the most alive
-

when I see her, I see the color orange
(which is funny because that's her least favorite color)
not because of her orange curls that tangle in my hands
not because of the constellations of orange freckles on her cheeks
but because she is the sun in which my solar system gravitates around
she is warmth, she is light
she makes the flowers grow just by looking at them
she is the brightest star in the sky, yet she cannot see that for herself
and if the sun were to ever disappear or burn out
my heart would freeze over
and my world would be in eternal darkness
-