I refuse to accept that you are leaving
because you always leave
it is in your nature
and I am used to that
but this time you are going
to a place that I can not reach
and I do not know how I will make it
but ******* it, I am so happy for you
because you are getting out
and you are growing up
though you need not to
(wise beyond your years)
you will grow a garden with your words
and you will dye your hair eight different colors
before I get to see you and hold you again
and I will love you more with each passing moon
but oh my darling, my beautiful sunflower
how I am going to miss you so
every second of every single day
-
(please, don't leave
I would do anything
to keep you in my pocket
forever and always)

I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time
it's a default
I mean ****, my earliest human memory is of being afraid of something on the tv
He told me it's a huge flaw, problematic
that I need to have a better grasp on reality
I asked him how he does it
how is he not afraid
"Science, baby. It's all about basic science."
He doesn't believe in ghosts or spirits
aliens nor monsters
I think the only thing he is truly afraid of is himself
(but he'll never admit that)
I'm afraid of him, too
afraid of falling for another broken man
afraid of the addiction and the sickness
You know it is really true what they say,
we fall for people who remind us of our parents

pt. 2
We were sittin there on his driveway
beer in his hand, a joint in mine
and he said to me
You can leave at any point and I wouldn't blame you. I would be okay. But God do I want you to stay.
and I couldn't think of anything to say
the silence choked me
so we went inside and sat on his bed
his hand in mine
and we looked at a book full of all of Van Gogh's paintings
I cried
He cried
we're trying
-

exhaustion
it has taken over
and over
and under
(over you)
(under you)
still not sure why
you are the hide
to my game of seek

my trains of thought
depart to destinations
but never arrive
leaving me stranded

what was I writing about?
you again?
couldn't be
could it be?
just go away
but please don't leave
not again

indecisive and selfish
what a deadly combination
love me forever
me and only me
I want you to be happy
but I only make you cry
I hate myself.

dizzy dizzy dizzy
my head is always spinning
time to close my eyes
maybe I won't wake up
one can only hope

Thoughts racing, heart racing, lungs racing.
Stop.
Breathe.

This isn't real, you are not real, nothing is real.
Stop.
Breathe.

Falling, drowning, choking.
Stop.
Breathe.

Losing control, losing faith, losing my mind.
Stop.
Breathe.

Closer to the edge, closer to insanity, closer to you.
Stop.
Breathe.

I am broken, I am alone, I am surreal.
Stop.
Breathe.

In. Out.
Inhale. Exhale.
Let go.

Dad hasn't been the same
since he found out about
                me
His eyes hold a deep sorrow
and the whiskey rarely sees
the cupboard anymore
permanently placed on
his nightstand where
my picture used to be
-
*He blames himself, you know

unfold brain like a napkin
separate thoughts from emotions
place them all in bottom drawer
seal with lock and key

power on
human mode
charging
battery full

it was the last time we were gonna see each other for a little while
she's going off to Austria
studyin' music, seein' things
we walked next to each other
up and down the streets of downtown
tears eagerly making their way down our cheeks
I didn't want to waste a second of my time with her
I wanted it to really mean something
just in case, ya know?
I was so worried it was just going to be over
she would get in her dad's truck and drive away
out of town
out of my life
but then she stopped and picked up the most beautiful
butterfly
that I had ever seen
we held its perfect lifeless body in our shaky hands
and we cried together
and we laughed together
and we shouted "this is a sign, this is a sign!"
and it truly was a sign
and every day that she is gone
I will hold the butterfly
sending her my love, sending her my warmth
until it is her I get to hold once again
-

some days are harder than others
today is one of those
days when driving my car into a tree
seems like a dream come true
days when I find resent
in waking up alone, or at all
days when the sun is shining
but I see nothing but darkness
days when I wish I would
spontaneously combust
days when my lungs are empty
from sobbing relentlessly
days when I pull the trigger
over and over again in my head

it's just one of those days.

I had another "episode"
they start off quiet
and numbing
I can't process or speak
then I am consumed with rage
white knuckles and gritting teeth
this transitions into violence
hitting, kicking, etc
(I think I threw my keys at you,
but I can't remember)
which is then all concluded
with uncontrollable sobbing
smeared makeup on your shirt
and phone calls from the neighbors
-

he is the kind of boy I want to write a book about
he always addresses me by my first and last name
as if I were someone of any sort of significance
he drinks and he drinks, and no one stops him
people flock to him just to listen to him tell
a painfully drawn-out joke that isn't even funny
but we still fall down laughing at the punch line
just because it was him in the spotlight
he walked up to a boy who he did not know
and he kissed him on the ******* mouth
and five minutes later he was crying on the boy
telling him about how he was sexually abused as a child
to say he is beautiful would be like saying
Mt Everest is just another hill on the horizon
I will never meet anyone like him again
but I do not fear I will forget him
he is the epitome unforgettable
he is the kind of boy I want to write a book about
-

the sound of my favorite heels
against the hardwood floors
round and round I spin
my dizzy dance
Am I pretty?
you kiss me on the forehead
the perfect kind of kiss
that leaves me feeling infinite
I cover your eyes with my palms
Come find me
hardwood turns to green grass
poppies sprout and replace the couch
the warm sun guides the way
as I take your hand and run
*And then I wake up

a little cabin in the woods
packed our bags but left them there
driving back to pick them up
we pass some bears swimming
so we join them in the frolic
but they are not bears
no, no they are your parents
and they begin to eat me alive
and you simply sit and watched
Go get the car, please, get the car
****** hands on the steering wheel
we attempt our escape
but the roads are too icy
and the tires lose traction
I looked at you
you looked at me
we knew it was over

*and then I wake up

my dance with the devil
tall and dressed in white
he swooped me up and
he tossed me around
roaring laughter and smiles
then he threw me to the ground
I begged for another turn
oh devil, come back
please, I love you!
don't leave me for her

She looks beautiful with that face on.
That is her goal
distraction.
Her chapped lips painted red,
sunken eyes lined with black.
Her skin and bones dressed up in silk,
lifeless hair pinned back.
She looks beautiful with that face on.

But no one knows what is pumping through her veins.
Those magic chemicals
synthetic.
She can no longer feel the things we can,
caloused to all emotion.
Her heart was sold to the devil,
the devil on the street corner with a bag of goodies.
No, no one knows what is pumping through her veins.

She signed her name in blood on the dotted line.
All she wanted was an escape,
temporary.
Now that realm is all she knows,
reality is a thing of the past.
She can never return to the life she once had,
but why would anyone want to go back there.
To that place.

Besides,
she looks beautiful with that face on.

Trains
Car after car after car
Traveling
Carrying
People cargo dreams hearts
So many trains
So many tracks
Where do they all go?
What if I jumped on one
And never came back
No one would miss me
It’s just a train
Here comes one now
Let’s out run it

Laying on the bed
our bodies inches apart
our minds miles apart.
Your hand brushes against mine,
sandpaper on glass.
I shudder, I hope you don't notice.
You always do.

"You're different"
If only you knew why

Your eyes hold sadness,
I avert mine.
How can I look at you anymore?
I can hardly stand to feel your touch.
Oh, how I longed to be touched.

"Are you okay, hon?"
If only I knew why

Your pet name make me nauseous.
Morning sickness?
Mourning sickness.
The death of this
love
is so
tragic...?
I guess.
Like a romantic novel?
Sure.
But,
I have never been a sucker for romance.

"Do you even love me anymore?"
If only you knew how

You were my hero(in)
Like a lost puppy,
I was a lost soul.
You found me, starving
for love.
You took me under your wing,
Under your sheets.
Oh how magical it all was.
Was.
But,
the fire is out.

"Please...answer me"
If only I knew how

Please stop begging,
you're only hurting yourself.
You look so broken.
Like a child, you stare at me
Wide eyed.
Longing for answers.
Your blues have faded to pales.
I blame myself.
How can I hurt you like this?
Oh, right
I have no heart.

"I love you"
****

I wince,
like I was just pricked with a needle.
I can't do this to you.
Besides, I am not ready to fall asleep alone
Again.
I manage to swallow my pride
and utter those four God-forsaken words.

"I love you, too..."





*I'll just fake it



for a little while longer...

it hasn't even been a day
since I got out of the cave
and I can already see my demons
emerging from their hiding places
hello anxiety,
no I did not miss you
I see you there, razor blade
you can't hide from me
******, you sly devil
how did you get out of your bottle?
Since you all are here,
why don't you take a seat
and I'll brew us a *** of tea
For I have some bad news for you
and some good news for me
You have overstayed your welcome
I am cordially asking you to leave
and to never, ever return.

I paid for my father's day present with a twenty dollar bill that still had traces of ******* on it from the previous night's festivities

A pretty girl with blonde hair got a text from her dad while we were doing lines off of her phone (i love you angel, you make me so proud)

happy father's day to all the dads who have no idea what their children are actually up to
-

Monstro
I miss you
Do you miss me?
You're not allowed to
She forbids it
She'll leave you if she knows
About the late night phone calls
Or the exchanges of "I love you"s
Oh god how she hates me so badly
All I ever did was try and protect you

Love
I miss you
We were best friends
Never apart from each other
Remember the long walks in the park
Holding hands but only so I wouldn't trip
We were never meant to be anything but friends

Prince
I miss you
I am sorry for ruining us
Our friendship can never be replaced
You know my darkness better than anyone
Because you were the only one who understood
I would give anything to go back in time to a year ago
And have you back in my heart, my hands, my life, my soul

I miss you.
Love always,
Princess Royce.

I hate you
you are less than dead to me
you are the ground that I spit on
you are the ashtray that I put my cigarette out on
I ******* hate you.

Who the **** do you think you are?
Stealing up everyone that used to be mine.
Like you are some kind of special
You aren't.
You are horrid
and vile
and hideous
both inside and out.

Oh how you make
my skin crawl
my blood boil
my head ache
my hands quiver

I don't wish death upon you
for that would be a luxury
I wish heart ache
eternal heart ache
one that can never be healed
no matter how many kisses
how many *****
how many promises
you will forever be alone.

Broken glass on my tongue
Cuts deep when I say your name
The blood pours out like wine
past the places you once claimed.
I run my trembling calloused fingers
across the bones that once met yours
and for a brief moment in time,
I can still feel your radiant warmth,
Your pale skin brush against mine.
Two bodies colliding,
a car crash on the freeway
We were (un) knowingly
an accident waiting to happen
Oh ****, we were so cliché.
Now the storm has come and gone,
And we are standing in the ashes.
If only we would have predicted
The fatality of those crashes.

Oh honey
I'm doing fine without you

I wake up every morning
and no longer see your face
I take my showers alone
and have no one in my way
I listen to my thoughts
and don't hear your voice
I walk out the door
and don't need your hand
I drive the car where I want
and no stops need to be made
I smoke my cigarettes
and they don't taste like you
I fall asleep at night
and you don't haunt me

*And someday soon
I will be able to say this
and I will actually mean it

one of my favorite places in the world
is a beach made entirely of glass
each little piece of color was once a broken story
sharp and jagged, it could cut open veins with ease
but the sea was patient with the shards
spent time polishing and softening their edges
until their true beauty was revealed
-
(you are the waves
I am the glass
you make me beautiful)

Flushed skin
Sweaty palms
Pulsing veins
Shortened breaths

I need it

Open up the top drawer
tucked under the lipstick
there it is, in all its glory
mocking my weakness

I need it

The first cut is never the deepest
quite the opposite actually
The first cut is like a breath of air
after being held under water

I need it

One becomes two
two becomes twelve
and before I know it
I am sitting in a puddle of my own blood

What have I done....

Clean myself up
wash the stained t shirt
make it through another day
rinse and repeat.

detoxing from you

bawling on the bathroom floor

here comes the relapse

you are a habit
addictive as nicotine
but far more lethal

I could be lovely
but I would rather cover
myself in darkness

a kite in the wind
hold on tight to me, sweetheart
and never let go

all I had to say
was that she is beautiful
and off came her clothes

in the midst of this
the only thing I think of
is our one last kiss

guilt
can you smell it on me
can you smell him on me
can you smell her on me
how many more people
is it going to take
to get your tongue
out of my mouth

                                   release
                                   my hands have let you go
                                   my lips have let you go
                                   my heart has(n't) let you go
                                   how many more moons
                                   is it going to take
                                   to get your face
                                   out of my nightmares

relapse
again you are here
again you are alive
again you are(n't) mine
how many more goodbyes
is it going to take
before I finally board
that train to the coastline

there is no greater regret that I hold
than how terribly I treated the ones I loved
when I did not love myself

a thousand apologies can't make up for
the times I lost control of myself
and let the darkness take over, consume me

it happened with the first boy
it happened with the second boy
but it sure as hell won't happen to the next
-

I've got a pouding in my head
that not even a bottle of whiskey could cure
yeah I've been happy these days
yeah it's been ******* brilliant
but I would be lying if I said
I don't think of you from
time to time
-

I think I have some kind of energy
or gravitational pull
It fuels people
and attracts them to me.
I don't understand it
because I want to be
as far away from myself
as humanly possible.
But someone once told me
that I am not really a human at all
I believed her.