I think that the hardest part of moving on is letting go
I used to believe that they were synonymous
boy, was I wrong
I've moved on plenty of times with plenty of people
but I never truly let go of him
I was afraid that if I loosened my grip and really let go,
I would never hold on to anyone again
(which I know now to be utterly false)
So, I again loved and lost and loved and lost
but now I am faced with the same familiar dilemma
of coordinating my demands with my extrinsic muscles
and unclenching my fists that I have so tightly latched onto you
(I just can't seem to let this one go)
-

I want you.

I want you on top of me.
I want you inside of me.
I want your hands holding mine.
I want your bones breaking mine.
I want your eyes capturing mine.

I want you.
I want you.
I want you.

(just one more time
then I promise you
that I will never
want you again)

kissing him was like licking a battery
static electricity when you go down the slide on the playground
I want to be the cigarette between his fingers that he so politely asks if he can smoke
he has a darkness, but I like that
I have a darkness too, but he likes that
(my glasses fogged up when his tongue was in my mouth on the park bench in the middle of the rose garden as people around watched with disgust)
-

bury my feet in the sand
each granule is a reminder
of how minuscule I am
sharp cold water rushes
angry against my shins
the shock leaves me gasping
but soon I become numb
walk along the edge of the earth
where the blue meets the gold
the sunlight kissing my forehead
my smile is eternal gratitude
it is moments like these
that remind me I am alive

it was the night I fell in love with the universe
the night I fell in love with myself
the night I fell in love with every hand that touched me
every petal on every flower in ever garden
I fell in love with the twinkle lights along the window
and the wind chimes that line the front porch

the one with the orange hair pulled me close
she promised we would always be sisters
and sealed the promise with a kiss on my forehead
she knew I needed that reassurance

the one with the freckles held my hand tight
she reminded me that I was as beautiful as the stars
and gave me her favorite rock to hold onto
she knew I needed that permanence

and the rest of us, we danced into oblivion
in a smoke filled room and on a candle lit porch
with jaws clenched and teeth grinding
I felt what it is like to be a human being again
-

he said he didn't know why he kissed me that night
(a familiar line for me)
he tells me he loves me and wants to protect me
picks me up from parties when I am too drunk to move
makes silly sounds on his keyboard to stop my crying
plays board games with me until two in the morning when I can't sleep
he is a light at the end of the hallway that I am getting closer and closer to reaching
but he said he didn't know why he kissed me
-

Monstro
I miss you
Do you miss me?
You're not allowed to
She forbids it
She'll leave you if she knows
About the late night phone calls
Or the exchanges of "I love you"s
Oh god how she hates me so badly
All I ever did was try and protect you

Love
I miss you
We were best friends
Never apart from each other
Remember the long walks in the park
Holding hands but only so I wouldn't trip
We were never meant to be anything but friends

Prince
I miss you
I am sorry for ruining us
Our friendship can never be replaced
You know my darkness better than anyone
Because you were the only one who understood
I would give anything to go back in time to a year ago
And have you back in my heart, my hands, my life, my soul

I miss you.
Love always,
Princess Royce.

Last spring
I cried myself to sleep
every single night
because you were no longer
mine
-
This spring
I fall asleep with a smile
every single night
because he is and always will be
mine

two years ago today
a part of me was murdered
and it took two years
to see what happened
to relive it over and over
to be haunted by it
to admit it
to vocalize it
and now I sit here
with the ashes of my past
and I want to die.

when I see her, I see the color orange
(which is funny because that's her least favorite color)
not because of her orange curls that tangle in my hands
not because of the constellations of orange freckles on her cheeks
but because she is the sun in which my solar system gravitates around
she is warmth, she is light
she makes the flowers grow just by looking at them
she is the brightest star in the sky, yet she cannot see that for herself
and if the sun were to ever disappear or burn out
my heart would freeze over
and my world would be in eternal darkness
-

Remembering.

Monday morning, the call came in.
All falls silent.
Drop to my knees.
Gasping for breath.
This can't be happening.
You can't be
gone
But you are.
You left this earth
                                    life
                  ­                        body.

                                  ­              I just miss you, that's all.

No warning, no tell-tale signs
You just up and left
It wasn't your time
How could this happen?

                                                 I just miss you, that's all.

Look up at the sky
I feel you
But I can't see you
I can't hear you.
All I see, all I hear
is the sound of people around me.
Everyone's sobs clash into one
We are one broken heart,
trying to remember how to beat.

                                                   I just miss you, that's all.

The stars shine even brighter
You gave them your light.
You will always be our light.
The rush of this wind
is sending shivers up my spine.
My spine...
I seemed to have lost it when I lost you.
Please help me find it again.
Please help me find you again.

                                                  I just miss you, that's all.

"Stay strong, strong for everyone else"
That is all I keep hearing
What do they know?
Are they not feeling this, too?
This emptiness that you have left.
But how can I blame you
Who the hell can I blame?

                                                  I just miss you, that's all.

I am selfish.
I want you back.
We all want you back.
Aren't we all selfish?
No, God is selfish.
He took you, took you for himself.
But who can blame Him?
I would take you, too, if I could.

                                                     I just miss you, that's all.

Standing on my own two feet
Never presented such a challenge.
Help me stand tall again.
Stiffen my bottom lip.
Nothing seems to function like it used to
You took my strength with you.
Why would you do that?
I know you didn't mean to.

                                                    I just miss you, that's all.

I want to see you again.
Want to smile again.
Want to feel again.
Want to believe again.
You are so far away
In the atmosphere.
You are so close
In the air that fills my lungs.
Breathe in, breathe out
Consume me.

                                                            ­**I miss you.

some days are harder than others
today is one of those
days when driving my car into a tree
seems like a dream come true
days when I find resent
in waking up alone, or at all
days when the sun is shining
but I see nothing but darkness
days when I wish I would
spontaneously combust
days when my lungs are empty
from sobbing relentlessly
days when I pull the trigger
over and over again in my head

it's just one of those days.

detoxing from you

bawling on the bathroom floor

here comes the relapse

You are a rare flower
one that does not blossom
when the sun tells it to
you emanate beauty
heavenly color schemes
with petals of silk
and a stem of steel
aromatic and sweet
my garden is full of you
all mine,
you are all mine
My perfect flower.

the rain is making small rivers
in the parking lots and crosswalks
I could drown in one on accident
or get struck by lightning
the thunder is so strong that
a painting could fall off the wall
and crack my head open
this is all so terrifying
I feel small, like a child
(I am insignificant)
-

I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time
it's a default
I mean ****, my earliest human memory is of being afraid of something on the tv
He told me it's a huge flaw, problematic
that I need to have a better grasp on reality
I asked him how he does it
how is he not afraid
"Science, baby. It's all about basic science."
He doesn't believe in ghosts or spirits
aliens nor monsters
I think the only thing he is truly afraid of is himself
(but he'll never admit that)
I'm afraid of him, too
afraid of falling for another broken man
afraid of the addiction and the sickness
You know it is really true what they say,
we fall for people who remind us of our parents

pt. 2
We were sittin there on his driveway
beer in his hand, a joint in mine
and he said to me
You can leave at any point and I wouldn't blame you. I would be okay. But God do I want you to stay.
and I couldn't think of anything to say
the silence choked me
so we went inside and sat on his bed
his hand in mine
and we looked at a book full of all of Van Gogh's paintings
I cried
He cried
we're trying
-

the pain in my chest comes and goes in waves now
I am not sure if it has anything to do with the cycle of the Moon or not
(but it probably does, She controls everything)
-
I got really sick at the same time you decided to walk away from me
my lungs were infected and starting to fail, but you weren't there
maybe that's why it was so hard for my body to fight back
it was too busy trying to heal my heart
well, it's been almost three months now
and my lungs are working again
I guess now I am just waiting for my heart to get to the same page
-

for years I have given field maps and guided tours to travelers seeking adventure and yet I have never explored for myself the epidermal greatness that protects bones, my, blood, my organs

each freckle, a landmark of monumental proportion
yet one is no greater than the other
(except for the one on my left collar bone, that one is my favorite)
each scar, a canyon with secrets to share with those brave enough to venture down into

I need not compass, nor backpack
all I need is to get completely and utterly lost
(in myself)
-

I have been wanting to write about someone new
someone who gives me a different feeling
from the familiar heartache others have gifted me
but I never thought it was going to be you
until you held my hand at the New Year's party
and let me put my Viva Glam III lipstick on you
yes, it was then that I knew I wanted more
oh how I wanted to kiss you in that moment
to make a mural of reds and pinks on one another's mouths
next time I won't hold back
next time I will be brave
-

you are a habit
addictive as nicotine
but far more lethal

Lately
I wake up in
a state that cannot be found
on a road map
and I wonder why
you are not there
   where are you these days
          getting drunk with your friends
    why did I love you
I have no ******* clue
    but still
          night after night
    I dream about
death
and I dream about
you

I once dated a boy who
reminded me of my mother
they both loved their cigarettes
more than they ever loved me
-

those feelings
they're back again
but I'm convinced
they never left
-

the sound of my favorite heels
against the hardwood floors
round and round I spin
my dizzy dance
Am I pretty?
you kiss me on the forehead
the perfect kind of kiss
that leaves me feeling infinite
I cover your eyes with my palms
Come find me
hardwood turns to green grass
poppies sprout and replace the couch
the warm sun guides the way
as I take your hand and run
*And then I wake up

I said it before
and I will say it again
You are haunting me
infecting me
possessing me
You have taken root
in my heart
and grown flowers
around my bones
I radiate you
with every fiber of my being.
But I am not beautiful
No, far from it
toxic
covered in a darkness
that you will never know.
But there is a light
a small gleam of a blossom
and soon, soon
I will bloom
and I will be lovely

and now I am drunk
and now I am sobbing
and now I can't tell
what stain is blood
and what stain is wine
-

I think I have some kind of energy
or gravitational pull
It fuels people
and attracts them to me.
I don't understand it
because I want to be
as far away from myself
as humanly possible.
But someone once told me
that I am not really a human at all
I believed her.

Trains
Car after car after car
Traveling
Carrying
People cargo dreams hearts
So many trains
So many tracks
Where do they all go?
What if I jumped on one
And never came back
No one would miss me
It’s just a train
Here comes one now
Let’s out run it

there is no greater regret that I hold
than how terribly I treated the ones I loved
when I did not love myself

a thousand apologies can't make up for
the times I lost control of myself
and let the darkness take over, consume me

it happened with the first boy
it happened with the second boy
but it sure as hell won't happen to the next
-

I danced on table tops with beautiful people dripping in sweat
moving, swaying, touching with hands and feeling with mouths
I thought about you when I was pressed up against her
thought about the nights I used to spend pressed up against you
oh, how I long to have that back
you once said the word "always" in the same sentence as the word "love"
and I haven't been okay since then
-

to set the records straight
it doesn't still hurt because I still care
but because I think about all the wasted nights
I spent alone in my bed with thoughts of you
and blood stained wrists
when I should have been on my rooftop
counting shooting stars and singing to the moon
-

I came barreling around around the corner
in the passenger's seat of a white jeep
that belonged to a handsome fellow
And that was when I saw her
beautiful, furious
fuller than I have seen her in a long time
She was waiting there for me
just as she always is and always will be
she loves, she cleanses, she consumes
Her colors effortlessly paint a smile across my chapped lips
and I am reminded of what matters in this undecided existence
To surround ourselves with the things that make us feel the most alive
-

I wonder what that is like
to always feel something
when your lips touch another's

I remember what your lips meant
they represented comfort and
always left me gasping for breath

I have kissed others since you
left a tiny imprint on their body
but never on their heart
like I did to yours

I walked into the room
he said he liked my hair
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I sang a song to myself
he said he liked my voice
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I had a staring contest
he said he liked my eyes
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I let him kiss my lips
he said he liked me
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.

this woman I knew died in a car crash
her husband died, too
I guess that's better than just one of them dying
you know?
and the other one being left to pick up the pieces
having to wake up in the morning without her
setting the table for one instead of for two
filling cardboard boxes with his clothes
going through life with a heart half empty

****,
call me cynical but
I think it was a miracle
that neither of them survived
-

(it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about anything happening to you - i want to go if you go)

I like the way I still feel that thing
that thing I feel when you tilt you head back with laughter
I think it's something about the way the light
fills you, fills your dark
(even if it's just for a second)
you are warm in that laughter
it reminds me of the warmth I felt
when you looked at me
like I was some kind of wonderful
because I was, I still am
and so are you
so please,
don't stop laughing
-

the growling in my head
isn't much of a threat
compared to the wolves
that lurk under my bed
carnivorous and cold
they emerge from my heart
gnashing their blood-soaked teeth
they begin to tear me apart
there is no use in screaming
no need to cry for help
don't you understand, darling
there are no wolves here
there is only yourself.

Broken glass on my tongue
Cuts deep when I say your name
The blood pours out like wine
past the places you once claimed.
I run my trembling calloused fingers
across the bones that once met yours
and for a brief moment in time,
I can still feel your radiant warmth,
Your pale skin brush against mine.
Two bodies colliding,
a car crash on the freeway
We were (un) knowingly
an accident waiting to happen
Oh ****, we were so cliché.
Now the storm has come and gone,
And we are standing in the ashes.
If only we would have predicted
The fatality of those crashes.

Oh honey
I'm doing fine without you

I wake up every morning
and no longer see your face
I take my showers alone
and have no one in my way
I listen to my thoughts
and don't hear your voice
I walk out the door
and don't need your hand
I drive the car where I want
and no stops need to be made
I smoke my cigarettes
and they don't taste like you
I fall asleep at night
and you don't haunt me

*And someday soon
I will be able to say this
and I will actually mean it

I can't seem to think
or do anything
without being reminded
of you

so I will spend my time
writing useless words
that you may never see

now I guess I will just make a list
of a few things that I miss

the time you ruined my hair in the shower
the time you wore my shorts around the house
the time you picked me garden flowers
the time you put your hands up my blouse
the time you walked me to the park
the time you shared my cigarette
the time you danced with me in the dark
the time you said you would never forget

how sad that these were perfect moments
in time
and now they are just merely memories
of mine.

my dance with the devil
tall and dressed in white
he swooped me up and
he tossed me around
roaring laughter and smiles
then he threw me to the ground
I begged for another turn
oh devil, come back
please, I love you!
don't leave me for her