a kite in the wind
hold on tight to me, sweetheart
and never let go

a storm rolled in today
but not the dark kind of storm
no, not a winter storm
it was a spring storm
in which sunlight kissed
each and every drop of rain
before the rain came down
and kissed my forehead
as if it was sent just for me
to remind me that I am alive
-

I've been sleeping in my parents' bed while they're away
the same bed I could crawl into as a child when I would have the night terrors
Dad is different now, different than he was back then
now he always has a drink in his hand, accompanied by a forced smile
He used to have a sparkle in his eyes, now I realize that was just his contact lens.
Sometimes I think it's my fault,
that I'm the one who broke him.
-

The kind of waking up
that rattles my bones
fogs my memory
blurs the lines
between dreams
and reality

what time is it
what day is it
where am I
where was I

but the absolute worst
part of this kind of waking
is not having you here
to comfort me with kisses

if there is one thing I have learned from loving the broken
it is to never use it as an excuse to stop loving myself
to not neglect my own damaged heart in hopes of repairing another's
it's like how on an airplane they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first and then assist others in need
because it is impossible to save someone else while you are also suffocating
-

stop writing about me
stop breathing for me
stop dreaming of me
stop waking with me
stop speaking to me
just please
stop
breathing
dreaming
waking
speaking
(forever)
sorry
I didn't mean that.
If you jump, I jump.
(please jump)

you are a shadow
wherever I go
there you are
-

I could be lovely
but I would rather cover
myself in darkness

depression is like a lot of things
tonight it is like this:
-empathizing with the tea kettle who screams and screams until someone comes along and removes her from the fire
-clutching tightly onto a way too hot mug despite the discomfort because at least you feel something tangible (sidenote, related) comparable to holding a piece of your own heart/a piece of someone else's
-listening to every song you can think of that will make you cry and doing absolutely nothing about it
-coming home from work with expectations of accomplishment but staying in bed/isolating for the remainder of the day
-avoiding mirrors, or even worse getting lost in them for a half hour trying to figure out what exactly you even look like
-inducing an early sleep cycle to avoid any further feelings of heaviness

but it is ok!
or at least it will be!
tomorrow is a new day for us all
-

I thought you were going to like me
forever and always
but instead
you liked the way
the back of your hand
felt against my face
you liked the way
my throat tightened
when you came
you liked the way
my wrists bleed
when you were with her
you liked the way
the ambulance sounded
when it took me away

you liked all these lovely things about me
but yet you never really liked *me

I want to write about everything
everyone
I have ever loved
but when I think about it,
there are very few things
that come to mind.
----
the sea
the garden
the books
the boy

I saw you today
for the first time in months
I hope you didn't notice
how fast my heart was beating

You made me sick to my stomach
so I stuck my fingers down my throat
and threw up every memory of you
and now I feel better








                                                                *don't worry.
                                                              I still miss you.

I had a dream about you last night.

I could feel you in my bones
Fingers tangled in my hair
Your warm breath against my neck
The curve of my spine pressed tightly into your chest
We stayed like this for hours
and exchanged nothing more
than those forbidden three words
that we have come to know
and hate so well.

I woke up
alone
afraid
disappointed
Because for a split second
I was unaware that it was only a dream
and I was expecting you to be there
next to me.

But,
you weren't there.
You will never again be there.

*Oh ****,
I miss you so much.

in the midst of this
the only thing I think of
is our one last kiss

all I had to say
was that she is beautiful
and off came her clothes