sometimes I think I am loveless and cold, and that's why I hate the heat and get sick all the time
but she reminded me of all the love I do have
love that fills the room and echoes like a choir's song on a Sunday
love that burns through me like a match in a grassy field
I have love for the trees and for the river and for the smooth rocks and even for the jagged ones that cut my knees
there is love every time she forgets to put on sunscreen and there is love when I take care of her so she can be high on acid
I give love to my father and mother, who watched me destroy myself for years and held my hand as I walked out of the darkness
but I think most important of all
is that I have love for myself
for my scars and my freckles and my stretch marks and my illness and my flat feet and my small hands and my messy hair and my sweaty palms and for everything that makes me who I am
I have love
-

cycle
rinse cycle
rinse and repeat
repeat offender
offense defense
defender of the light
light of my life
life without love
love will break you
you will break me
me, who am I
I am just words
words thrown together
together forever
forever doesn't exist
exist is all we do
do you want to
to exist somewhere
somewhere secret
secret is safe
safe in your arms
armed forces
forces stronger than love
love
love
love
love
*love

Have you ever had somebody love you more than anything else?
because it is honestly the greatest feeling in the entire universe.
comparable to the first ray of sunshine after weeks of rain
or the first sprout of a flower in an otherwise barren field
like finding a sand dollar on the beach that is completely in tact
the smell of summer wafting in the air on the last day of school
or the way an old book feels in your hands as you turn the page
infinite
-

for a while now I have thought that maybe I just forgot how to write
but I think as I have gotten older
and more and more ****** up things happen
I have lost the ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings and messes into words or actual poetry
everything I write now is some form of a journal entry or list
it's a ******, really
I thought maybe I could be someone someday
that my writing could make a difference
you know?
now I just sit here alone in my dimly lit room on a friday night with a joint in my hand tapping my foot along to an old B 52's record given to me for my birthday by a wonderful boy who I used to spend countless nights writing about because it was all I knew how to do and it's hard for me to even believe that I was once capable of that because writing about anything now seems so........
-

It was your birthday yesterday
You would have turned 19
I would have gone to your party
and we would have been drunk
girls would be kissing you
and you would be king
but we put you in the ground
two and a half years ago
-

a cigarette burn
on my thigh
and mascara stains
on my sleeve
-

the bad days aren't so bad anymore
and the good days are plentiful
I don't tremble at the thought of going outside alone
or ***** when I see my reflection in the mirror
the only scars being left on my body now are ones granted to me by a late night adventure or a tumble at the river
even my parents are educating themselves on what exactly is going on inside me
what exactly is going on inside me?
an unfortunate series of chemical reactions passed down from generation to generation like a family heirloom
thanks, mom
maybe if I was normal he would have loved me more
maybe if I was normal he would have stayed
but hey, at least the bad days aren't so bad anymore
-

the universe was marvelous last night
you took me by the hand
and we walked for a few miles
past the playground and the morgue
our lungs left vapor trails behind us
as the bitter autumn air licked our cheeks
but I didn't feel a **** thing
except for the warmth of your palms
pressed tight against my back
pressed tight against my back.

I smiled today
a genuine kind of smile
the kind of smile that is produced
when a flower looks up at you
but then guilt reminded me
that I am not allowed to be
something of such beauty
so I washed it all away in the sink
(back to normal)
-

remember how I used to write your last name
and imagine how it would look next to my first name
well now I am doing the same thing
only with someone far more wonderful
than you can ever hope to be
-

exhaustion
it has taken over
and over
and under
(over you)
(under you)
still not sure why
you are the hide
to my game of seek

my trains of thought
depart to destinations
but never arrive
leaving me stranded

what was I writing about?
you again?
couldn't be
could it be?
just go away
but please don't leave
not again

indecisive and selfish
what a deadly combination
love me forever
me and only me
I want you to be happy
but I only make you cry
I hate myself.

dizzy dizzy dizzy
my head is always spinning
time to close my eyes
maybe I won't wake up
one can only hope

I had another "episode"
they start off quiet
and numbing
I can't process or speak
then I am consumed with rage
white knuckles and gritting teeth
this transitions into violence
hitting, kicking, etc
(I think I threw my keys at you,
but I can't remember)
which is then all concluded
with uncontrollable sobbing
smeared makeup on your shirt
and phone calls from the neighbors
-

trying to fix broken people isn't romantic
hoping that with enough love and compassion you will be able to end a viscous cycle of addiction isn't romantic
there is nothing pure or golden about it
neither noble nor valliant
it's just stupid and selfish and idealistic
so let them drink
and drink and drink
because no matter how hard you try
they won't stop
till it's too late
-

I cannot sleep again.

the sound of the sprinklers
almost calms me
but then I remember
that it is just synthetic rain

I tried to put the fire out
but your words are like gasoline
and my paper heart is no match
for the flames that consume it

A familiar line dances across
the frontal lobes of my brain
(about three years and a day)

my love for you no longer exists
my love for you no longer exists
my love for you no longer exists

if I say it enough
I'll start to believe it

prayers for winter
hanging on my lips
the bones of the forest
bare and blanketed in white
not a single sound
except for the trees breathing
the fireplace warms our skin
the whiskey warms our stomachs
your flannel draped loosely
around my goose-bumped shoulders
we soon fall asleep blissfully
to the sound of our heartbeats
syncing with the fall of snowflakes

****(s)
****(ed)
****(ing)

everyone
everyone
everyone

can not count
on fingers and toes
how many bodies
have claimed me

I made love once
I made love twice
the two golden boys
stay golden, ponyboy

becoming less human
and more calloused
every single day
whatever.

Dad hasn't been the same
since he found out about
                me
His eyes hold a deep sorrow
and the whiskey rarely sees
the cupboard anymore
permanently placed on
his nightstand where
my picture used to be
-
*He blames himself, you know

it sneaks up on you
and it follows you
you know?
like a ******* shadow
and then you forget it's there
because sometimes the sun shines
and sometimes the sound of laughter
and the beating of hearts
scares it away
but then it always, always
finds a way back to you
and devours you

you know?

perhaps I will bundle up
and read some Bukowski
and listen to the rain falling
-
perhaps I will daydream
of falling in love with you
of you falling in love with me

someone I once (loved) kills himself every day
with various darkness and poisons
because he hates the way he was made
-
someone he once (loved) wakes up every day
with various dreams and flowers
because she learned to love the way she was made

a little cabin in the woods
packed our bags but left them there
driving back to pick them up
we pass some bears swimming
so we join them in the frolic
but they are not bears
no, no they are your parents
and they begin to eat me alive
and you simply sit and watched
Go get the car, please, get the car
****** hands on the steering wheel
we attempt our escape
but the roads are too icy
and the tires lose traction
I looked at you
you looked at me
we knew it was over

*and then I wake up

Laying on the bed
our bodies inches apart
our minds miles apart.
Your hand brushes against mine,
sandpaper on glass.
I shudder, I hope you don't notice.
You always do.

"You're different"
If only you knew why

Your eyes hold sadness,
I avert mine.
How can I look at you anymore?
I can hardly stand to feel your touch.
Oh, how I longed to be touched.

"Are you okay, hon?"
If only I knew why

Your pet name make me nauseous.
Morning sickness?
Mourning sickness.
The death of this
love
is so
tragic...?
I guess.
Like a romantic novel?
Sure.
But,
I have never been a sucker for romance.

"Do you even love me anymore?"
If only you knew how

You were my hero(in)
Like a lost puppy,
I was a lost soul.
You found me, starving
for love.
You took me under your wing,
Under your sheets.
Oh how magical it all was.
Was.
But,
the fire is out.

"Please...answer me"
If only I knew how

Please stop begging,
you're only hurting yourself.
You look so broken.
Like a child, you stare at me
Wide eyed.
Longing for answers.
Your blues have faded to pales.
I blame myself.
How can I hurt you like this?
Oh, right
I have no heart.

"I love you"
****

I wince,
like I was just pricked with a needle.
I can't do this to you.
Besides, I am not ready to fall asleep alone
Again.
I manage to swallow my pride
and utter those four God-forsaken words.

"I love you, too..."





*I'll just fake it



for a little while longer...

I often find myself daydreaming
about the place that used to be
my favorite place to lay

the right side of your bed next to the windowsill

I have never felt so safe
in a place so simple
in a place so simple

The way the wind blew
through the curtains
onto our naked skin
            or
The way the sun beamed
and illuminated our freckles
as I kissed your smiling face

I imagine myself being there
when I can hardly stand
being in my own skin
           and
I can not help but smile
because I can feel your body
next to mine in perfect symmetry

-----

this is the place
that I miss the most
please take me back
please take me back.

yeah, I know the feeling
a constant battle
between the
superiority and inferiority
complexes
it's enough to send us
over the edge
(we wish)
-
but the beauty is
I am here with you
you
are not alone
no matter how hard
you push everyone
away
I will never ever
leave you,
my darling
-

*I promise.

Excuse me, sir
you have something of mine
I was going to give it to
someone that I actually loved
but you took it from me
with my hands pinned back
and my dress unzipped
---
I'm sorry, sir
did I not scream loud enough
or was that just a turn on
filled me up with *****
until I was nice and sloppy
does no ever really mean no
apparently not.

it was the last time we were gonna see each other for a little while
she's going off to Austria
studyin' music, seein' things
we walked next to each other
up and down the streets of downtown
tears eagerly making their way down our cheeks
I didn't want to waste a second of my time with her
I wanted it to really mean something
just in case, ya know?
I was so worried it was just going to be over
she would get in her dad's truck and drive away
out of town
out of my life
but then she stopped and picked up the most beautiful
butterfly
that I had ever seen
we held its perfect lifeless body in our shaky hands
and we cried together
and we laughed together
and we shouted "this is a sign, this is a sign!"
and it truly was a sign
and every day that she is gone
I will hold the butterfly
sending her my love, sending her my warmth
until it is her I get to hold once again
-

he is the kind of boy I want to write a book about
he always addresses me by my first and last name
as if I were someone of any sort of significance
he drinks and he drinks, and no one stops him
people flock to him just to listen to him tell
a painfully drawn-out joke that isn't even funny
but we still fall down laughing at the punch line
just because it was him in the spotlight
he walked up to a boy who he did not know
and he kissed him on the ******* mouth
and five minutes later he was crying on the boy
telling him about how he was sexually abused as a child
to say he is beautiful would be like saying
Mt Everest is just another hill on the horizon
I will never meet anyone like him again
but I do not fear I will forget him
he is the epitome unforgettable
he is the kind of boy I want to write a book about
-

the wolves howl at the same time every night
echoing through the valley like an empty stomach in a quiet room
they remind me of you
(for obvious reasons)
I'm not ready to admit (out loud) that I feel something when I see your name
and that my heart skips a beat when you touch me
-

I got some books last weekend
some filled with flowers
some filled with words
some filled with poetry
all filled with heartache
As I flipped through the pages
my hands began to bleed
and I realized that it was not my own
but it was the blood of the people
who turned their heart and soul
into black ink on a piece of paper
-

soon I will be covered in flowers
they will grow from my scars
and bring infinite beauty
to all that is ugly about me
and I will live forever
in a skin of petals

tonight I'll fall asleep
to the sound of rain
falling on this old roof
though I long for it to be
the sound of your uneasy
breathing with the occasional
skipping of our heartbeats
-

my knees hurt when I sit in the same position for too long
my heart hurts in the same way
I am restless, fleeting
like the thunderstorm outside right now
banging the shutters against the window
forcing them to kiss
like a child with two dolls
or like a boy with bad intentions
-

please
let things be beautiful
just this once
I do not ask for much
just the flowers
in the garden
and the salt
in the sea
please
oh, please
let things be beautiful.

well look what we have here
an empty bottle of *****
you must be so proud of yourself, babe
just like your glory high school days
come on over, ladies and gents
plenty of me to go around
everyone come get a look at
the tragedy
the beauty queen
the train wreck herself
guess it is true what they say
like father, like daughter

but hey,
at least you're having fun again
stupid *****.

feeling small and alone in a thunder storm
waking up next to someone who said they love you but only after you said it first
bruises and bite marks left by a boy who tries to **** himself every other week
a flickering candle that illuminates the silhouettes of the flowers on the windowsill
seeing your ex boyfriend at a show in the city
seeing your ex boyfriend at a show in the city with another girl
seeing your ex boyfriend at a show in the city with another girl while you are with another boy
using human flesh and physical contact to fill the void left by years of abuse and traumas
taking medication that makes you violently ill but keeps the darkness at bay
making lists of things that keep me awake at night in hopes of gaining some kind of peace of mind
-

I still think about that boy sometimes
in the same way that someone who breaks their kneecap
gets a ***** put in it to hold their bones together
but they are only reminded of it
when they are at the airport and they
have to walk through a metal detector
-

Mirror, mirror
on the wall.
You show me
too much skin
too many flaws.

Naked.
Inside and out.
(all out)
Exposed.
Good and bad.
(all bad)
Revealed.
Triumphs and defeats.
(all defeats)

I want to cover up.
Wrap myself in strength,
In light.
Crack open the shutters,
the sun cascades onto me
Illuminates my pigments.
And in this moment,
this moment of bliss,
I feel
beautiful,
infinite.
Why can't everything be this perfect?

Then,
the moment ends.
Back to reality
back to being ugly,
fleeting.
I stare intently at you, mirror.
Maybe my lifeless eyes will burn a hole
right through you.
Right back through me.


"Who am I?"

I ask you, reflection,
like you will respond with something
unpredictable.








"You are a thing of beauty"



















Mirror, who took you to be a liar?

I hate you
you are less than dead to me
you are the ground that I spit on
you are the ashtray that I put my cigarette out on
I ******* hate you.

Who the **** do you think you are?
Stealing up everyone that used to be mine.
Like you are some kind of special
You aren't.
You are horrid
and vile
and hideous
both inside and out.

Oh how you make
my skin crawl
my blood boil
my head ache
my hands quiver

I don't wish death upon you
for that would be a luxury
I wish heart ache
eternal heart ache
one that can never be healed
no matter how many kisses
how many *****
how many promises
you will forever be alone.