I hate you
you are less than dead to me
you are the ground that I spit on
you are the ashtray that I put my cigarette out on
I ******* hate you.

Who the **** do you think you are?
Stealing up everyone that used to be mine.
Like you are some kind of special
You aren't.
You are horrid
and vile
and hideous
both inside and out.

Oh how you make
my skin crawl
my blood boil
my head ache
my hands quiver

I don't wish death upon you
for that would be a luxury
I wish heart ache
eternal heart ache
one that can never be healed
no matter how many kisses
how many *****
how many promises
you will forever be alone.

I cannot sleep again.

the sound of the sprinklers
almost calms me
but then I remember
that it is just synthetic rain

I tried to put the fire out
but your words are like gasoline
and my paper heart is no match
for the flames that consume it

A familiar line dances across
the frontal lobes of my brain
(about three years and a day)

my love for you no longer exists
my love for you no longer exists
my love for you no longer exists

if I say it enough
I'll start to believe it

I want you.

I want you on top of me.
I want you inside of me.
I want your hands holding mine.
I want your bones breaking mine.
I want your eyes capturing mine.

I want you.
I want you.
I want you.

(just one more time
then I promise you
that I will never
want you again)

a little cabin in the woods
packed our bags but left them there
driving back to pick them up
we pass some bears swimming
so we join them in the frolic
but they are not bears
no, no they are your parents
and they begin to eat me alive
and you simply sit and watched
Go get the car, please, get the car
****** hands on the steering wheel
we attempt our escape
but the roads are too icy
and the tires lose traction
I looked at you
you looked at me
we knew it was over

*and then I wake up

The kind of waking up
that rattles my bones
fogs my memory
blurs the lines
between dreams
and reality

what time is it
what day is it
where am I
where was I

but the absolute worst
part of this kind of waking
is not having you here
to comfort me with kisses

I thought you were going to like me
forever and always
but instead
you liked the way
the back of your hand
felt against my face
you liked the way
my throat tightened
when you came
you liked the way
my wrists bleed
when you were with her
you liked the way
the ambulance sounded
when it took me away

you liked all these lovely things about me
but yet you never really liked *me

exhaustion
it has taken over
and over
and under
(over you)
(under you)
still not sure why
you are the hide
to my game of seek

my trains of thought
depart to destinations
but never arrive
leaving me stranded

what was I writing about?
you again?
couldn't be
could it be?
just go away
but please don't leave
not again

indecisive and selfish
what a deadly combination
love me forever
me and only me
I want you to be happy
but I only make you cry
I hate myself.

dizzy dizzy dizzy
my head is always spinning
time to close my eyes
maybe I won't wake up
one can only hope

my dance with the devil
tall and dressed in white
he swooped me up and
he tossed me around
roaring laughter and smiles
then he threw me to the ground
I begged for another turn
oh devil, come back
please, I love you!
don't leave me for her

Excuse me, sir
you have something of mine
I was going to give it to
someone that I actually loved
but you took it from me
with my hands pinned back
and my dress unzipped
---
I'm sorry, sir
did I not scream loud enough
or was that just a turn on
filled me up with *****
until I was nice and sloppy
does no ever really mean no
apparently not.

had to bite my tongue
I almost said I love you
from force of habit

I saw you today
for the first time in months
I hope you didn't notice
how fast my heart was beating

You made me sick to my stomach
so I stuck my fingers down my throat
and threw up every memory of you
and now I feel better








                                                                *don't worry.
                                                              I still miss you.

I often find myself daydreaming
about the place that used to be
my favorite place to lay

the right side of your bed next to the windowsill

I have never felt so safe
in a place so simple
in a place so simple

The way the wind blew
through the curtains
onto our naked skin
            or
The way the sun beamed
and illuminated our freckles
as I kissed your smiling face

I imagine myself being there
when I can hardly stand
being in my own skin
           and
I can not help but smile
because I can feel your body
next to mine in perfect symmetry

-----

this is the place
that I miss the most
please take me back
please take me back.

****(s)
****(ed)
****(ing)

everyone
everyone
everyone

can not count
on fingers and toes
how many bodies
have claimed me

I made love once
I made love twice
the two golden boys
stay golden, ponyboy

becoming less human
and more calloused
every single day
whatever.

guilt
can you smell it on me
can you smell him on me
can you smell her on me
how many more people
is it going to take
to get your tongue
out of my mouth

                                   release
                                   my hands have let you go
                                   my lips have let you go
                                   my heart has(n't) let you go
                                   how many more moons
                                   is it going to take
                                   to get your face
                                   out of my nightmares

relapse
again you are here
again you are alive
again you are(n't) mine
how many more goodbyes
is it going to take
before I finally board
that train to the coastline

you once told me
that you wanted to make me smile
the way I did when you kissed me
for the rest of your life
and I am smiling like that now
I have been for a few days
and you are the reason
not because you picked me flowers
or because you said I was pretty
but because you let me go
and now I have the sunshine
and I have the garden
all to myself
and oh,
does it feel good
thank you.

all I had to say
was that she is beautiful
and off came her clothes

You are a rare flower
one that does not blossom
when the sun tells it to
you emanate beauty
heavenly color schemes
with petals of silk
and a stem of steel
aromatic and sweet
my garden is full of you
all mine,
you are all mine
My perfect flower.

lungs of salty air
seashells for hands
a pocket full of sand
sun rising
sun setting
over the vast blue blanket
covering mother earth
with waves as lullabies
she sleeps well tonight
she sleeps well tonight.

too tired to write anything
that is worth reading
so I'll just drain my thoughts
and maybe I'll get some sleep

as for you,
why am I so sad still
when I try so hard to be happy
though it sure feels nice to not have
the weight of you on my shoulders

as for my mother,
when are you going to grow up
and stop treating your children
like they are ******* accessories
you selfish ******* *****

as for my sister,
put the cigarette down baby
and stop trying to act like mommy
you are too young to know
a sorrow this deep

as for my father,
why are you so morose now
I can hardly make you smile anymore
the only thing that keeps you going
is your bottle of whiskey

as for my heart,
stop leaping back to him
can you not see how fragile
and broken you are
start beating for yourself

*oh wow,
that felt lovely
and now I can sleep
safe and sound

a kite in the wind
hold on tight to me, sweetheart
and never let go

forget
seems to be the only thing
we want
to do

but you see
why would I want to forget
all of the times
that I smiled
and you laughed
and I sang
and you slept
and I cried
and you kissed
and I ran
and you chased
and I fell
and you caught
and we danced
and we loved
and we grew
together.

because despite my biggest of efforts
I can not forget
the most beautiful of flowers.

time
it mocks me
perched on its throne
tick tock
you are getting older
one step closer to the grave
that you have been digging yourself
*******

pucker up
lipstick smeared
red and coral
make a rainbow
on your thighs
across my neck
kiss you softly
bite me roughly
scratch marks
on your shoulder
scars line my wrists
but you don't care
I'll show you mine
you show me yours
take those perfect bones
and throw them on me
now let's disappear
in each other

bury my feet in the sand
each granule is a reminder
of how minuscule I am
sharp cold water rushes
angry against my shins
the shock leaves me gasping
but soon I become numb
walk along the edge of the earth
where the blue meets the gold
the sunlight kissing my forehead
my smile is eternal gratitude
it is moments like these
that remind me I am alive

why is it so late
why am I still awake
why can't I stop my thoughts
dead in their tracks
and tuck them in to bed
like you used to do with me
maybe I would sleep better
if your voice wasn't in my head
-------
I can't even remember

what you smell like
                                            (lie)
what you sound like
                                            (lie)
what you taste like
                                            (lie)
what you feel like
                                      (biggest lie)
-------
I shouldn't keep doing this
wanting you
craving you
needing you
It is unhealthy for the both of us
and I am sorry
so
*******
sorry
-------
yeah yeah,
heard it all before
forgive and forget
just like we always did
funny how we never really got better
-------
we
will never get better
I will
and you will
but we,
we will not.
there is no we, no us
only me
only you.

so many inconveniences
-
the tiny parking space I am given
the red lights on the way to work
the empty pack of cigarettes
the commercials on the radio
the obnoxious children next door
the distance between you and I
the fact that you are just a boy
the realization that I am getting older
the light that flickers on my vanity
the churning in my stomach
the god awful heat wave
the lack of flowers in my garden
the lack of a garden in general
the promise of you moving on
the ache residing inside my chest
the empty pill bottle on my dresser
the nightmares about you
the heart that refuses to let me die
-
so many inconveniences

well look what we have here
an empty bottle of *****
you must be so proud of yourself, babe
just like your glory high school days
come on over, ladies and gents
plenty of me to go around
everyone come get a look at
the tragedy
the beauty queen
the train wreck herself
guess it is true what they say
like father, like daughter

but hey,
at least you're having fun again
stupid *****.

“How did you know you loved him?”

I was too drunk to answer with a lie
So I poured out the truth like wine

I knew I loved him when
His name tasted sweet on my tongue
The warmth of his touch became an addiction
Every dream, every thought was consumed by him
My smile lit up as if I swallowed the sun
Each kiss was a flower blooming with color
Making love to him left me feeling infinite

You see,
I knew I loved him because
Losing him took the breath out of my lungs
and
Telling you this took the beat from my heart

Trains
Car after car after car
Traveling
Carrying
People cargo dreams hearts
So many trains
So many tracks
Where do they all go?
What if I jumped on one
And never came back
No one would miss me
It’s just a train
Here comes one now
Let’s out run it

self proclaimed straight-edge
self proclaimed alcoholic
self proclaimed gentleman
self proclaimed *******

I don't know
who
or what
you are anymore.

in the midst of this
the only thing I think of
is our one last kiss

stop writing about me
stop breathing for me
stop dreaming of me
stop waking with me
stop speaking to me
just please
stop
breathing
dreaming
waking
speaking
(forever)
sorry
I didn't mean that.
If you jump, I jump.
(please jump)

I will ruin you.

    Set fire to your bridges
         Flood your basements
            Tear down all your walls
                Reek havoc on your nightmares
                   Destroy all of your hope for happiness
                       Until you beg for the sweet relief of death

I will ruin you.

                                                                    Just as you have done to me.

how passive aggressive
we're oh so pathetic
throw a punch at me?
I'll kick you where it hurts
right in your ******* pride
god forbid you are ever wrong
god forbid you are ever right
who the **** determines that
in the first place?
the first place
our lips met
parking lot
our bodies joined
hannah's bed
our love spilled
telephone wires
telephone ringing
good morning my dear
dial tone
stay away from him
he's better off without you
better off without you
better off without you
better off dead
did I say that out loud?
out loud
mustn't say it out loud
he'll hear you
here, you hide in the closet
hush it's just the cat
you are safe with me
I have you
in my hands
your hands
they smell like cigarettes
but you promised
so did you
yet there is blood on your leg
oh yeah, sorry...I tripped
tripped in love with you
on accident
my car accident
remember that
I was mailing your letter
confessing my love to you
love to you
love you
I still do
I never did
neither did you

.......

unfold brain like a napkin
separate thoughts from emotions
place them all in bottom drawer
seal with lock and key

power on
human mode
charging
battery full

some days are harder than others
today is one of those
days when driving my car into a tree
seems like a dream come true
days when I find resent
in waking up alone, or at all
days when the sun is shining
but I see nothing but darkness
days when I wish I would
spontaneously combust
days when my lungs are empty
from sobbing relentlessly
days when I pull the trigger
over and over again in my head

it's just one of those days.

the realization
that it was never really love
but it was just an idea
a seed that was planted
beneath infertile soil
with the hopes of a harvest
bringing color and beauty
luscious and full
but you see, my dear
a garden can not grow
without being watered.

congratulations

                           you've done it again

you ruined my night

                            made it so I cannot dream

they should give you a medal

                             awoken by the sound of your voice

for being so ******* haunting

                             how sweet it is to hear you again

don't you have someone else to ****

                              oh I miss you too my dearest

for ****'s sake get your heart off your sleeve

                               do you still love me?

you're really just pathetic at this point

                               of course I still love you

sorry, but *******

                               gonna have to agree on that one, ********

Monstro
I miss you
Do you miss me?
You're not allowed to
She forbids it
She'll leave you if she knows
About the late night phone calls
Or the exchanges of "I love you"s
Oh god how she hates me so badly
All I ever did was try and protect you

Love
I miss you
We were best friends
Never apart from each other
Remember the long walks in the park
Holding hands but only so I wouldn't trip
We were never meant to be anything but friends

Prince
I miss you
I am sorry for ruining us
Our friendship can never be replaced
You know my darkness better than anyone
Because you were the only one who understood
I would give anything to go back in time to a year ago
And have you back in my heart, my hands, my life, my soul

I miss you.
Love always,
Princess Royce.

Oh honey
I'm doing fine without you

I wake up every morning
and no longer see your face
I take my showers alone
and have no one in my way
I listen to my thoughts
and don't hear your voice
I walk out the door
and don't need your hand
I drive the car where I want
and no stops need to be made
I smoke my cigarettes
and they don't taste like you
I fall asleep at night
and you don't haunt me

*And someday soon
I will be able to say this
and I will actually mean it