Flushed skin
Sweaty palms
Pulsing veins
Shortened breaths

I need it

Open up the top drawer
tucked under the lipstick
there it is, in all its glory
mocking my weakness

I need it

The first cut is never the deepest
quite the opposite actually
The first cut is like a breath of air
after being held under water

I need it

One becomes two
two becomes twelve
and before I know it
I am sitting in a puddle of my own blood

What have I done....

Clean myself up
wash the stained t shirt
make it through another day
rinse and repeat.

I had a dream about you last night.

I could feel you in my bones
Fingers tangled in my hair
Your warm breath against my neck
The curve of my spine pressed tightly into your chest
We stayed like this for hours
and exchanged nothing more
than those forbidden three words
that we have come to know
and hate so well.

I woke up
alone
afraid
disappointed
Because for a split second
I was unaware that it was only a dream
and I was expecting you to be there
next to me.

But,
you weren't there.
You will never again be there.

*Oh ****,
I miss you so much.

I can't seem to think
or do anything
without being reminded
of you

so I will spend my time
writing useless words
that you may never see

now I guess I will just make a list
of a few things that I miss

the time you ruined my hair in the shower
the time you wore my shorts around the house
the time you picked me garden flowers
the time you put your hands up my blouse
the time you walked me to the park
the time you shared my cigarette
the time you danced with me in the dark
the time you said you would never forget

how sad that these were perfect moments
in time
and now they are just merely memories
of mine.

finally got the
taste
smell
feel
                                      of you
out of my
mouth
lungs
skin

oh what a bittersweet moment that was
when his lips met mine

but you,
you are so ******* haunting
can't you just leave me alone

his hands pressed against my back
the trickles of our sweat fusing into one
it could have been so magical
but no.

all I could think about
was the first time our hands brushed

the creases in your jeans
the flip of your hair
the sunburn on your nose

my freshly cut bangs
my second-hand store sweater
my nervous heartbeat

please just leave me alone
you have me on my knees
(though no longer for pleasure)
now all I am doing is begging
begging you to let me be



*Honey, are you talking to your ghosts again?
Yes, it would appear that way, now wouldn't it.

she's the kind of girl
who wears rain boots in summer
in hopes of catching the eye
of anything or anyone

he's the kind of boy
who sews patches on his denim
in attempts to impress
the punkrock cardboard cutouts

they're the kind of kids
whose parents keep a watchful fist
on nothing but the bottles of gin
hidden in the top drawer

the growling in my head
isn't much of a threat
compared to the wolves
that lurk under my bed
carnivorous and cold
they emerge from my heart
gnashing their blood-soaked teeth
they begin to tear me apart
there is no use in screaming
no need to cry for help
don't you understand, darling
there are no wolves here
there is only yourself.

I want to sit in the soil
until my veins transform into roots
and reach through the Earth
clinging to nutrients
thriving
slowly my skin becomes petals
opening with the rise of each new day
basking in the glow of the sun
infinite

I want to sit in a jar
that you placed on your bedside table
on a warm summer afternoon
reminding you that I am forever yours
captured
but as I slowly wilt and wither away
and you begin to lose interest in me
you will find a new love to call home
replaced

detoxing from you

bawling on the bathroom floor

here comes the relapse

Broken glass on my tongue
Cuts deep when I say your name
The blood pours out like wine
past the places you once claimed.
I run my trembling calloused fingers
across the bones that once met yours
and for a brief moment in time,
I can still feel your radiant warmth,
Your pale skin brush against mine.
Two bodies colliding,
a car crash on the freeway
We were (un) knowingly
an accident waiting to happen
Oh ****, we were so cliché.
Now the storm has come and gone,
And we are standing in the ashes.
If only we would have predicted
The fatality of those crashes.

Built to keep others out
Built to keep myself in
Brick by brick, I laid them down
Losing sight of the real world
Sunlight fades, stars vanish
But I am safe.

There is a hole in the wall
Barely big enough for a soul to fit through
You sit there relentlessly
And chip away at it
In efforts to come inside

Go away before you get hurt
There is a reason why the walls are up
There is a monster inside them,
A monster inside me
Yet you are still here

You call out to me
Words like love and trust
I can hear it from outside the walls
You are getting closer
I am growing more afraid

I try to lay more bricks down
But you are far stronger
You over power me with love
A force that knows no limits
And here you are, behind my walls

Vulnerable
Exposed
Fearful
Shaken
Burning

Take your coat off
Make yourself at home
Let me get you a drink
Won’t you stay for a while?
It’s been so long since I have had a guest.

She looks beautiful with that face on.
That is her goal
distraction.
Her chapped lips painted red,
sunken eyes lined with black.
Her skin and bones dressed up in silk,
lifeless hair pinned back.
She looks beautiful with that face on.

But no one knows what is pumping through her veins.
Those magic chemicals
synthetic.
She can no longer feel the things we can,
caloused to all emotion.
Her heart was sold to the devil,
the devil on the street corner with a bag of goodies.
No, no one knows what is pumping through her veins.

She signed her name in blood on the dotted line.
All she wanted was an escape,
temporary.
Now that realm is all she knows,
reality is a thing of the past.
She can never return to the life she once had,
but why would anyone want to go back there.
To that place.

Besides,
she looks beautiful with that face on.

And here I go again.

I
  am  
       so
           out
                  of

                         control

                       in
               hate
       with
you

You are not making this any easier.

Your
         hungry
                      eyes
                            fea­st

                                     mercilessly

                             upon
                       this
              lonely
corpse
                                ­                                                            
I need to re-center myself.

Find
       the
             perfect
                           balance

                                          where

       ­                         wrong  
                 coexists
         with
right

But, I am afraid.

Can't
          let
               you
                      be

                           the

                     one
              who
        got
away

So, I'll stay.
Even if it
(hopefully)
kills me.

You love me,
You love me not.
Which petal will you pull off of the flower today?

-

So unpredictable,
like a weather system moving in.
Cloudy with a chance of heartache
Sunny with a high of butterflies.
I never know how to prepare myself.
Do I board up the windows,
or do I put my heart back on my sleeve?

-

Getting dizzy from the circles you spin me in,
my legs are growing weary from chasing after you.
I always follow your lead,
never asking where you are taking me
never looking before I leap.
That always comes back to haunt me...

-

Why is this all so one-sided?
Don't I have a say in things?

-

*Ha, that's a good one.
Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Mirror, mirror
on the wall.
You show me
too much skin
too many flaws.

Naked.
Inside and out.
(all out)
Exposed.
Good and bad.
(all bad)
Revealed.
Triumphs and defeats.
(all defeats)

I want to cover up.
Wrap myself in strength,
In light.
Crack open the shutters,
the sun cascades onto me
Illuminates my pigments.
And in this moment,
this moment of bliss,
I feel
beautiful,
infinite.
Why can't everything be this perfect?

Then,
the moment ends.
Back to reality
back to being ugly,
fleeting.
I stare intently at you, mirror.
Maybe my lifeless eyes will burn a hole
right through you.
Right back through me.


"Who am I?"

I ask you, reflection,
like you will respond with something
unpredictable.








"You are a thing of beauty"



















Mirror, who took you to be a liar?

Laying on the bed
our bodies inches apart
our minds miles apart.
Your hand brushes against mine,
sandpaper on glass.
I shudder, I hope you don't notice.
You always do.

"You're different"
If only you knew why

Your eyes hold sadness,
I avert mine.
How can I look at you anymore?
I can hardly stand to feel your touch.
Oh, how I longed to be touched.

"Are you okay, hon?"
If only I knew why

Your pet name make me nauseous.
Morning sickness?
Mourning sickness.
The death of this
love
is so
tragic...?
I guess.
Like a romantic novel?
Sure.
But,
I have never been a sucker for romance.

"Do you even love me anymore?"
If only you knew how

You were my hero(in)
Like a lost puppy,
I was a lost soul.
You found me, starving
for love.
You took me under your wing,
Under your sheets.
Oh how magical it all was.
Was.
But,
the fire is out.

"Please...answer me"
If only I knew how

Please stop begging,
you're only hurting yourself.
You look so broken.
Like a child, you stare at me
Wide eyed.
Longing for answers.
Your blues have faded to pales.
I blame myself.
How can I hurt you like this?
Oh, right
I have no heart.

"I love you"
****

I wince,
like I was just pricked with a needle.
I can't do this to you.
Besides, I am not ready to fall asleep alone
Again.
I manage to swallow my pride
and utter those four God-forsaken words.

"I love you, too..."





*I'll just fake it



for a little while longer...

Remembering.

Monday morning, the call came in.
All falls silent.
Drop to my knees.
Gasping for breath.
This can't be happening.
You can't be
gone
But you are.
You left this earth
                                    life
                  ­                        body.

                                  ­              I just miss you, that's all.

No warning, no tell-tale signs
You just up and left
It wasn't your time
How could this happen?

                                                 I just miss you, that's all.

Look up at the sky
I feel you
But I can't see you
I can't hear you.
All I see, all I hear
is the sound of people around me.
Everyone's sobs clash into one
We are one broken heart,
trying to remember how to beat.

                                                   I just miss you, that's all.

The stars shine even brighter
You gave them your light.
You will always be our light.
The rush of this wind
is sending shivers up my spine.
My spine...
I seemed to have lost it when I lost you.
Please help me find it again.
Please help me find you again.

                                                  I just miss you, that's all.

"Stay strong, strong for everyone else"
That is all I keep hearing
What do they know?
Are they not feeling this, too?
This emptiness that you have left.
But how can I blame you
Who the hell can I blame?

                                                  I just miss you, that's all.

I am selfish.
I want you back.
We all want you back.
Aren't we all selfish?
No, God is selfish.
He took you, took you for himself.
But who can blame Him?
I would take you, too, if I could.

                                                     I just miss you, that's all.

Standing on my own two feet
Never presented such a challenge.
Help me stand tall again.
Stiffen my bottom lip.
Nothing seems to function like it used to
You took my strength with you.
Why would you do that?
I know you didn't mean to.

                                                    I just miss you, that's all.

I want to see you again.
Want to smile again.
Want to feel again.
Want to believe again.
You are so far away
In the atmosphere.
You are so close
In the air that fills my lungs.
Breathe in, breathe out
Consume me.

                                                            ­**I miss you.

Get me out
out of this skin
out of these bones
out of this mind
out of this soul.

I need out
out of this place
out of these walls
out of this circle
out of this all.

I need to feel
feel alive
feel loved
feel wanted
feel you.

Make me feel
feel warmth
feel serenity
feel something
feel anything.

Show me a spark
a spark of hope
a spark of light
a spark of joy
a spark of life.

Give me a spark
a spark of trust
a spark of wisdom
a spark of strength
a spark of passion.



Wrap me in your love, surround me in your light.
Pull me out of this darkness, help me win this fight.
I can not do this alone anymore.
I surrender, I surrender.

Thoughts racing, heart racing, lungs racing.
Stop.
Breathe.

This isn't real, you are not real, nothing is real.
Stop.
Breathe.

Falling, drowning, choking.
Stop.
Breathe.

Losing control, losing faith, losing my mind.
Stop.
Breathe.

Closer to the edge, closer to insanity, closer to you.
Stop.
Breathe.

I am broken, I am alone, I am surreal.
Stop.
Breathe.

In. Out.
Inhale. Exhale.
Let go.