It's been colder in my bed
without you here
I have no arm around me
no hand tangled in my hair
there are no good night kisses
no good morning tickles
bathtime is routine again
no more water fights to be had
afternoons are spent alone
no spontaneous sessions of love making
(I'm sure the apartment below
is quite thankful for that)
-
basically
what I am getting at
is that I miss you
and I hope to god
you miss me too

If I could have anything in the world
at this moment in time
it would be
your fingers
interlocking
with mine
-

Lately
I wake up in
a state that cannot be found
on a road map
and I wonder why
you are not there
   where are you these days
          getting drunk with your friends
    why did I love you
I have no ******* clue
    but still
          night after night
    I dream about
death
and I dream about
you

a cigarette burn
on my thigh
and mascara stains
on my sleeve
-

my darling,
the universe is never perfect
for more than one night at a time
   -but why?
because sweetheart,
if every single night was perfect
then the flame would lose its spark
   -but I love her
   *-I know

perhaps I will bundle up
and read some Bukowski
and listen to the rain falling
-
perhaps I will daydream
of falling in love with you
of you falling in love with me

soon I will be covered in flowers
they will grow from my scars
and bring infinite beauty
to all that is ugly about me
and I will live forever
in a skin of petals

please
let things be beautiful
just this once
I do not ask for much
just the flowers
in the garden
and the salt
in the sea
please
oh, please
let things be beautiful.

it rained for days
a torrential downpour
that flooded the streets
and created an ocean
between you and me
-

I've got a pouding in my head
that not even a bottle of whiskey could cure
yeah I've been happy these days
yeah it's been ******* brilliant
but I would be lying if I said
I don't think of you from
time to time
-

the universe was marvelous last night
you took me by the hand
and we walked for a few miles
past the playground and the morgue
our lungs left vapor trails behind us
as the bitter autumn air licked our cheeks
but I didn't feel a **** thing
except for the warmth of your palms
pressed tight against my back
pressed tight against my back.

I think I have some kind of energy
or gravitational pull
It fuels people
and attracts them to me.
I don't understand it
because I want to be
as far away from myself
as humanly possible.
But someone once told me
that I am not really a human at all
I believed her.

I hear your heart beating
from across the room
your asthma is so cute
when it is trying to **** you
-
Sink your teeth into me
****** fixated on my flesh
salt lingers on your tongue
here comes the chemical reaction

I walked into the room
he said he liked my hair
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I sang a song to myself
he said he liked my voice
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I had a staring contest
he said he liked my eyes
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.
I let him kiss my lips
he said he liked me
I thought he was lying
He wasn't.

Night after night
you find a way
to get under my skin
      I have not a single ounce
      of love to give you anymore
      it has been replaced with hatred
           You don't necessarily deserve
            what I have put you through
            but you reap what you sow, *****
                I never expected you to be more
                than what you were capable of being
                apparently that was asking too much
                     So here I sit and write
                     to the man I thought I loved
                     who turns out to be nothing more
                                     than a boy
                                      a coward
                                      a phony
                                            -

Instead of going out on that Friday night
she got out her old suitcase
and filled it with every memory
of the one who broke her heart.
She gathered every picture,
every love letter and poem,
every baggy band sweatshirt
and gently packed them away.
With her warmest scarf and mittens on
she hauled the baggage
down to the taxicab
and gave the driver an address.
"Here you are, miss
did you need a hand with that bag?"
She kindly refused the offer
and stepped onto the pier.
The suitcase grew heavier
and heavier by the minute
as she drug it all the way
to the edge of the dock.
Waves crashing against the wood
and the wind ruining her hair
she took one last look at the bag
and tossed it over the edge.
A single tear streamed down
her rosy red cheeks
as the tide took away
the suitcase full of broken promises.
She ran back to the cab
and asked him to take her home
where she could finally exist
without the burdens of love.
There is no moral to the story,
no real point to be had
Except that I am that girl
and I put you in that bag.

I want to write about everything
everyone
I have ever loved
but when I think about it,
there are very few things
that come to mind.
----
the sea
the garden
the books
the boy

yeah, I know the feeling
a constant battle
between the
superiority and inferiority
complexes
it's enough to send us
over the edge
(we wish)
-
but the beauty is
I am here with you
you
are not alone
no matter how hard
you push everyone
away
I will never ever
leave you,
my darling
-

*I promise.

we talked about forever
like it was something feasible
and at times I believed it was
a forever
with a person
with a soul
but you have no soul
that became evident after you
     hit me
       pushed me
          misused me
             kissed her
                 ****** her
                    picked her
I'm well aware
that I am no Juliet
but you were never a Romeo
despite your fake and valiant efforts
where are you now?
alone
like me
the difference is
you will always be alone
but I fell in love again
I guess you found your forever
sure hope it was worth it
*****.

you are a habit
addictive as nicotine
but far more lethal

the sound of my favorite heels
against the hardwood floors
round and round I spin
my dizzy dance
Am I pretty?
you kiss me on the forehead
the perfect kind of kiss
that leaves me feeling infinite
I cover your eyes with my palms
Come find me
hardwood turns to green grass
poppies sprout and replace the couch
the warm sun guides the way
as I take your hand and run
*And then I wake up

I said it before
and I will say it again
You are haunting me
infecting me
possessing me
You have taken root
in my heart
and grown flowers
around my bones
I radiate you
with every fiber of my being.
But I am not beautiful
No, far from it
toxic
covered in a darkness
that you will never know.
But there is a light
a small gleam of a blossom
and soon, soon
I will bloom
and I will be lovely

it hasn't even been a day
since I got out of the cave
and I can already see my demons
emerging from their hiding places
hello anxiety,
no I did not miss you
I see you there, razor blade
you can't hide from me
******, you sly devil
how did you get out of your bottle?
Since you all are here,
why don't you take a seat
and I'll brew us a *** of tea
For I have some bad news for you
and some good news for me
You have overstayed your welcome
I am cordially asking you to leave
and to never, ever return.

A simple thing to ask of me
Open my mouth
and let noise spill out
in melodies and harmonies
How bizarre it is to me
that I can control your body
with the fluctuation of my voice.
I sing those familiar songs to you
and watch your eyelids grow heavy
soon you are in another realm
but I still have you in my arms
I brush your wavy brown hair
off of your freckled forehead
and with a gentle kiss
I send you on your way.

prayers for winter
hanging on my lips
the bones of the forest
bare and blanketed in white
not a single sound
except for the trees breathing
the fireplace warms our skin
the whiskey warms our stomachs
your flannel draped loosely
around my goose-bumped shoulders
we soon fall asleep blissfully
to the sound of our heartbeats
syncing with the fall of snowflakes

I could be lovely
but I would rather cover
myself in darkness

I have never held a tighter grip
than I did in that moment
on your Black Flag t-shirt
draping over your trembling chest
the smell of hash and cigarettes
clung to our damp bodies
I had hoped it would mask
the stench of loneliness in the room
as your arms began to grasp tighter
around my broken bag of bones
I whispered something into your ear
and I have since then been repeating it
over and over again in my head
trying to make sense of it

*I'm not ready to let go yet.

I saw the Devil today
he was disguised as a human
dressed in brand names
exactly how I remembered
I hope he did not see me
fleeing through corridors
out of site
out of mind
nausea quickly paralyzed me
while the infection of his memory
consumed me from the inside out
but I have found a simple remedy
a quick fix to rid me of this ghost
take the blade and watch me spill
and eventually I no longer feel

-    

                                                  winter
introductions
first kiss
falling in love

                                                  spring
ar­guments
depression rises
love becomes rigid

                                                 summer
distance
hostility consumes
constant emotional war

                                                 autumn
reconcile
laughter blossoms
broken hearts mend

-

tongue tied
knots of guilt
taste like him
taste like you
replace you
I'm trying to
he ****** me hard
better than you
he kissed my forehead
but I still felt you
the *** stained sheets
lead to blood stained wrists
I don't know what else to say
I hope this ruins your day
in one way
or another.

two years ago today
a part of me was murdered
and it took two years
to see what happened
to relive it over and over
to be haunted by it
to admit it
to vocalize it
and now I sit here
with the ashes of my past
and I want to die.

I wonder what that is like
to always feel something
when your lips touch another's

I remember what your lips meant
they represented comfort and
always left me gasping for breath

I have kissed others since you
left a tiny imprint on their body
but never on their heart
like I did to yours