it has been more than a hundred days
since I gave myself a scar
but last week I paid a doctor
to give me three of them
(how oxymoronic of me)
-

I once dated a boy who
reminded me of my mother
they both loved their cigarettes
more than they ever loved me
-

he is the kind of boy I want to write a book about
he always addresses me by my first and last name
as if I were someone of any sort of significance
he drinks and he drinks, and no one stops him
people flock to him just to listen to him tell
a painfully drawn-out joke that isn't even funny
but we still fall down laughing at the punch line
just because it was him in the spotlight
he walked up to a boy who he did not know
and he kissed him on the ******* mouth
and five minutes later he was crying on the boy
telling him about how he was sexually abused as a child
to say he is beautiful would be like saying
Mt Everest is just another hill on the horizon
I will never meet anyone like him again
but I do not fear I will forget him
he is the epitome unforgettable
he is the kind of boy I want to write a book about
-

I slammed my leg in the car door yesterday
and it has left me with a decent sized ****
all pretty and painted purple and blue
and for some reason I cannot stop touching it
the pain gives me a rush, or something
reminds me that I can feel things and get hurt
without having to do it to myself
(I haven't cut myself in eighteen days)
-

and now I am drunk
and now I am sobbing
and now I can't tell
what stain is blood
and what stain is wine
-

I refuse to accept that you are leaving
because you always leave
it is in your nature
and I am used to that
but this time you are going
to a place that I can not reach
and I do not know how I will make it
but ******* it, I am so happy for you
because you are getting out
and you are growing up
though you need not to
(wise beyond your years)
you will grow a garden with your words
and you will dye your hair eight different colors
before I get to see you and hold you again
and I will love you more with each passing moon
but oh my darling, my beautiful sunflower
how I am going to miss you so
every second of every single day
-
(please, don't leave
I would do anything
to keep you in my pocket
forever and always)

to set the records straight
it doesn't still hurt because I still care
but because I think about all the wasted nights
I spent alone in my bed with thoughts of you
and blood stained wrists
when I should have been on my rooftop
counting shooting stars and singing to the moon
-

the night we camped in my car
in the backwoods of the city
I had an anxiety attack
so we drove to a gas station
got some water and antacids
slept in the bowling alley parking lot
woke up with ice covering the windows
it was only 28 degrees that night
but we slept safely and we slept soundly
because ******* it, we had each other
-

I had another "episode"
they start off quiet
and numbing
I can't process or speak
then I am consumed with rage
white knuckles and gritting teeth
this transitions into violence
hitting, kicking, etc
(I think I threw my keys at you,
but I can't remember)
which is then all concluded
with uncontrollable sobbing
smeared makeup on your shirt
and phone calls from the neighbors
-

bundled up in a sadness soaked blanket
hating every inch of my existence
wishing that I had more Nyquil
so I can sleep for a few days
and maybe not wake up
-

I've written and rewritten
my suicide note dozens of times
and I am still not satisfied
because I can not figure out how to
politely tell you that I want to die
but that it is in no way
anyone's fault
-

I swear to god
it seems like friends
are hardly ever the people
we expect them to be
they stab you in the back
and then offer you some bleach
to help get the blood stain out of your shirt.
-

I had a dream about you last night
for the first time in a long time
I walked past you on the street
and my heart began to sink
just as it does every time I see you
but this time was different
because you chased after me
and ran into my arms and embraced me
and we stood there sobbing in the middle
of the ******* street in broad daylight
and you whispered in my ear
"I will never leave you again.
I will always love you."
And I woke up in that instant
thinking for a brief moment
that it wasn't just a dream.
But it was.
You have forgotten about me.
I am a chapter you do not want
to ever reopen.
-

you're like a scab
that I keep picking at
and refuse to let heal
even though it is
going to leave
a horrendous scar
-

Last spring
I cried myself to sleep
every single night
because you were no longer
mine
-
This spring
I fall asleep with a smile
every single night
because he is and always will be
mine

It's kind of hard
to find a Mother's Day card
that is fitting for you,
Mommy dearest
So I wrote you my own:

"Thank you for never loving me
the way a mother is supposed to love
her darling daughter.
You taught me that I will never be
good enough
skinny enough
pretty enough
to make it in this world."
-

we looked silly with our goggles on
splashing around in your pool
somersaults and handstands
chlorine kisses and tangled hair
summer is coming
oh yes,
summer is coming
-

Dad hasn't been the same
since he found out about
                me
His eyes hold a deep sorrow
and the whiskey rarely sees
the cupboard anymore
permanently placed on
his nightstand where
my picture used to be
-
*He blames himself, you know

a car full of bodies
lungs full of smoke
hearts full of love
a night to remember
-

tonight I'll fall asleep
to the sound of rain
falling on this old roof
though I long for it to be
the sound of your uneasy
breathing with the occasional
skipping of our heartbeats
-

It was your birthday yesterday
You would have turned 19
I would have gone to your party
and we would have been drunk
girls would be kissing you
and you would be king
but we put you in the ground
two and a half years ago
-

"You're afraid of growing up."

Perhaps
but I see no shame in that
why would I ever want to grow up
if it means being
miserable
lonely
and drunk
like you,
Dad.
-

Have you ever had somebody love you more than anything else?
because it is honestly the greatest feeling in the entire universe.
comparable to the first ray of sunshine after weeks of rain
or the first sprout of a flower in an otherwise barren field
like finding a sand dollar on the beach that is completely in tact
the smell of summer wafting in the air on the last day of school
or the way an old book feels in your hands as you turn the page
infinite
-

those feelings
they're back again
but I'm convinced
they never left
-

I got some books last weekend
some filled with flowers
some filled with words
some filled with poetry
all filled with heartache
As I flipped through the pages
my hands began to bleed
and I realized that it was not my own
but it was the blood of the people
who turned their heart and soul
into black ink on a piece of paper
-

and I count the patterns in the paint
and the tiles on the ceiling
and the freckles on your face
and the scars on my wrists
and the threads in the sheets
all in the midst of
a cough syrup haze
-

cycle
rinse cycle
rinse and repeat
repeat offender
offense defense
defender of the light
light of my life
life without love
love will break you
you will break me
me, who am I
I am just words
words thrown together
together forever
forever doesn't exist
exist is all we do
do you want to
to exist somewhere
somewhere secret
secret is safe
safe in your arms
armed forces
forces stronger than love
love
love
love
love
*love

remember how I used to write your last name
and imagine how it would look next to my first name
well now I am doing the same thing
only with someone far more wonderful
than you can ever hope to be
-

I only ever fall for the damaged ones
like projects, or patients
I want to fix them, cure them
And I sew pieces of my heart onto theirs
to cover the scars and holes and cancers
Maybe it's because I feel that I myself
will never be a completely whole person
so I spend all of my time and energy
trying to fix the ones I feel deserve to be
-

it sneaks up on you
and it follows you
you know?
like a ******* shadow
and then you forget it's there
because sometimes the sun shines
and sometimes the sound of laughter
and the beating of hearts
scares it away
but then it always, always
finds a way back to you
and devours you

you know?

I smiled today
a genuine kind of smile
the kind of smile that is produced
when a flower looks up at you
but then guilt reminded me
that I am not allowed to be
something of such beauty
so I washed it all away in the sink
(back to normal)
-