I paid for my father's day present with a twenty dollar bill that still had traces of ******* on it from the previous night's festivities

A pretty girl with blonde hair got a text from her dad while we were doing lines off of her phone (i love you angel, you make me so proud)

happy father's day to all the dads who have no idea what their children are actually up to
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sometimes I think I am loveless and cold, and that's why I hate the heat and get sick all the time
but she reminded me of all the love I do have
love that fills the room and echoes like a choir's song on a Sunday
love that burns through me like a match in a grassy field
I have love for the trees and for the river and for the smooth rocks and even for the jagged ones that cut my knees
there is love every time she forgets to put on sunscreen and there is love when I take care of her so she can be high on acid
I give love to my father and mother, who watched me destroy myself for years and held my hand as I walked out of the darkness
but I think most important of all
is that I have love for myself
for my scars and my freckles and my stretch marks and my illness and my flat feet and my small hands and my messy hair and my sweaty palms and for everything that makes me who I am
I have love
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I've been sleeping in my parents' bed while they're away
the same bed I could crawl into as a child when I would have the night terrors
Dad is different now, different than he was back then
now he always has a drink in his hand, accompanied by a forced smile
He used to have a sparkle in his eyes, now I realize that was just his contact lens.
Sometimes I think it's my fault,
that I'm the one who broke him.
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I almost wrote about you
about your curls and your small hands and your maroon sweater that you stole from american eagle
how teardrops slid down your cheeks when you told me about things you haven't said out loud in years
how teardrops slid down your cheeks when I told you that I have had a similar trauma
the way you held my face in your hands when you kissed me as the sun rose and how safe I felt when you held me tightly during the thunderstorm that rattled all the doors in the house for hours and hours

but then you told me you weren't ready to feel things
(I should have seen that coming)
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feeling small and alone in a thunder storm
waking up next to someone who said they love you but only after you said it first
bruises and bite marks left by a boy who tries to **** himself every other week
a flickering candle that illuminates the silhouettes of the flowers on the windowsill
seeing your ex boyfriend at a show in the city
seeing your ex boyfriend at a show in the city with another girl
seeing your ex boyfriend at a show in the city with another girl while you are with another boy
using human flesh and physical contact to fill the void left by years of abuse and traumas
taking medication that makes you violently ill but keeps the darkness at bay
making lists of things that keep me awake at night in hopes of gaining some kind of peace of mind
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the kinds of things i think about after taking seven shots of tequila:

he looks really great his eyes aren't dead anymore and we even hugged for the first time in years

she doesn't deserve him or the way he carries her around when she is too drunk to stand up on her own

my hair has gotten so long remember when I cut it all off in the bathroom at Erin's house because I was too weak to cut my wrists open and bleed to death

did I take my medication today? why do I keep forgetting to take my medication? Why am I so scared of my medication?

I really wish he was here right now so I could kiss him and sit on top of him and pull his hair. I hope he doesn't **** himself. I am starting to like him too much.

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kissing him was like licking a battery
static electricity when you go down the slide on the playground
I want to be the cigarette between his fingers that he so politely asks if he can smoke
he has a darkness, but I like that
I have a darkness too, but he likes that
(my glasses fogged up when his tongue was in my mouth on the park bench in the middle of the rose garden as people around watched with disgust)
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