it was the night I fell in love with the universe
the night I fell in love with myself
the night I fell in love with every hand that touched me
every petal on every flower in ever garden
I fell in love with the twinkle lights along the window
and the wind chimes that line the front porch

the one with the orange hair pulled me close
she promised we would always be sisters
and sealed the promise with a kiss on my forehead
she knew I needed that reassurance

the one with the freckles held my hand tight
she reminded me that I was as beautiful as the stars
and gave me her favorite rock to hold onto
she knew I needed that permanence

and the rest of us, we danced into oblivion
in a smoke filled room and on a candle lit porch
with jaws clenched and teeth grinding
I felt what it is like to be a human being again
-

the bad days aren't so bad anymore
and the good days are plentiful
I don't tremble at the thought of going outside alone
or ***** when I see my reflection in the mirror
the only scars being left on my body now are ones granted to me by a late night adventure or a tumble at the river
even my parents are educating themselves on what exactly is going on inside me
what exactly is going on inside me?
an unfortunate series of chemical reactions passed down from generation to generation like a family heirloom
thanks, mom
maybe if I was normal he would have loved me more
maybe if I was normal he would have stayed
but hey, at least the bad days aren't so bad anymore
-

for years I have given field maps and guided tours to travelers seeking adventure and yet I have never explored for myself the epidermal greatness that protects bones, my, blood, my organs

each freckle, a landmark of monumental proportion
yet one is no greater than the other
(except for the one on my left collar bone, that one is my favorite)
each scar, a canyon with secrets to share with those brave enough to venture down into

I need not compass, nor backpack
all I need is to get completely and utterly lost
(in myself)
-

there is no greater regret that I hold
than how terribly I treated the ones I loved
when I did not love myself

a thousand apologies can't make up for
the times I lost control of myself
and let the darkness take over, consume me

it happened with the first boy
it happened with the second boy
but it sure as hell won't happen to the next
-

the clock is ticking and talking
to me with its hands around my neck
until my throat is bruised, black and blue
reminding me of past events, of past lives
(I have died three times)
there's a boy, another boy, and another boy
no
there's a wolf, another wolf, and another wolf
they all must have the same taste in meat
(young and vulnerable, marinated in alcohol)
they aren't from the same pack, but they feel the same
when they hold you down and devour you
leaving nothing left but a pile of bones
(and a lifetime of paranoia, trust issues, bitterness, panic attacks, depression, rage, therapy bills, suicide attempts, hospital visits, scars, addictions, alcoholism, low self-esteem, family estrangement, failures, eating disorders, and the ever-present feeling that I am being watched)
-

when I see her, I see the color orange
(which is funny because that's her least favorite color)
not because of her orange curls that tangle in my hands
not because of the constellations of orange freckles on her cheeks
but because she is the sun in which my solar system gravitates around
she is warmth, she is light
she makes the flowers grow just by looking at them
she is the brightest star in the sky, yet she cannot see that for herself
and if the sun were to ever disappear or burn out
my heart would freeze over
and my world would be in eternal darkness
-

this woman I knew died in a car crash
her husband died, too
I guess that's better than just one of them dying
you know?
and the other one being left to pick up the pieces
having to wake up in the morning without her
setting the table for one instead of for two
filling cardboard boxes with his clothes
going through life with a heart half empty

****,
call me cynical but
I think it was a miracle
that neither of them survived
-

(it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about anything happening to you - i want to go if you go)