and now I am drunk
and now I am sobbing
and now I can't tell
what stain is blood
and what stain is wine
-

I refuse to accept that you are leaving
because you always leave
it is in your nature
and I am used to that
but this time you are going
to a place that I can not reach
and I do not know how I will make it
but ******* it, I am so happy for you
because you are getting out
and you are growing up
though you need not to
(wise beyond your years)
you will grow a garden with your words
and you will dye your hair eight different colors
before I get to see you and hold you again
and I will love you more with each passing moon
but oh my darling, my beautiful sunflower
how I am going to miss you so
every second of every single day
-
(please, don't leave
I would do anything
to keep you in my pocket
forever and always)

to set the records straight
it doesn't still hurt because I still care
but because I think about all the wasted nights
I spent alone in my bed with thoughts of you
and blood stained wrists
when I should have been on my rooftop
counting shooting stars and singing to the moon
-

the night we camped in my car
in the backwoods of the city
I had an anxiety attack
so we drove to a gas station
got some water and antacids
slept in the bowling alley parking lot
woke up with ice covering the windows
it was only 28 degrees that night
but we slept safely and we slept soundly
because ******* it, we had each other
-

I had another "episode"
they start off quiet
and numbing
I can't process or speak
then I am consumed with rage
white knuckles and gritting teeth
this transitions into violence
hitting, kicking, etc
(I think I threw my keys at you,
but I can't remember)
which is then all concluded
with uncontrollable sobbing
smeared makeup on your shirt
and phone calls from the neighbors
-

bundled up in a sadness soaked blanket
hating every inch of my existence
wishing that I had more Nyquil
so I can sleep for a few days
and maybe not wake up
-