Feb. 1, 2014
You fill my body up with every star and every flame that sparks each and every bone and ***** in my slowly wilting body.
You're the only one who can make me shut my eyes just to think about how happy you make me. Then, I think about that being taken away from me in a split second. It completely shuts me down. I don't ever want to live in that second. I used to imagine that the best feeling in the world was being free. Then, reality struck me. I was completely and foolishly wrong. I look at you. I look at you even when you are not looking at me and I watch how you move and how you function. Every time I look at you I am so happy that I am with you. I am so happy that I am the one who is able to hold your hand and wrap my arms around you. I am so happy that I am alive to witness the best feeling ever, which is knowing that you're alive and you're with me as well. You make me feel like I'm standing on the highest building at night overlooking everyone and the city lights. You make me feel like fresh air on a cold winter day. You fill me up with feelings I have never felt before. Feelings, that I am lucky enough to feel with you. You're the only one I have, the only one I want, the only one I truly need. I want to live an infinity amount of moments with you. Good and bad. I want it all to be with you. I want to do everything on earth with you. You made me love the sun, the moon, the rain, the stars, flowers, etc.. It all reminds me that I'm still alive. You make me feel alive.

part i.

my room
clean, precise
ready
a navy dress
dainty, floral
like a little girl
loved

landing lights off
scuffle of feet rushing
silence
in this serenity
i am chaos

soft music soothing
a specialised playlist
could this be an anymore
cliché way to die?

i listen to time
awaiting a moment
sent by a rhythm

02:00
hold on
32 pills
34
or was it 68?
it doesn’t matter

02:30
what future?
there is no war
it’s all in my head

stop
what
no
need
thoughts
out
dizzy

‘help’

part ii.

what were you thinking
are you crazy
stupid stupid girl
how many

why

I don’t know
not anymore
but it will be fine
I will go to sleep

no fuss

agitation
irritable
useless
annoyance

what had I expect

strangers in the room
my room
but the only stranger
was me

I had known nothing less

voices?
did they tell you to do this?
I laughed in my mind
how cliché do they think I am

no it’s just me

part iii.

numbness and weariness
overwhelmed me
bitter bile rose
a long day ahead

name?
address?
birth date?
what made you do this?

over and over again
ringing in my ears
as I answered in the numbness
I had become

a barcode being scanned
not being looked at once more
I fought the urge to lie
well not completely

ward 14
darkness
panic
blankness

part iv.

drip drip drip
awoken to a beat
my heart or
the machine
I wish I knew

awoken to regret
a coward
a shadow
always

light shining
outside
I have become an outsider

ironically

part v.**

her scars.
trailing down her arms
I wonder
how long would it take
for her scar in her mind to heal

I make suicide look normal

her screams.
rattled the bones in my body
she was
an unravelled mayhem
in pandemonium

her shouts.
were more like pleading
between herself
and whom appeared
a fragment of a nightmare

her crying.
lasted for hours
all through the night
when she stopped
it was only the crying that stopped

I was the intruder

there was a silence in ward 14
I wanted anything but a silence
to think
think
think

looking at her sleeping form
I wonder
what she wanted to forget
but no
silence is louder than words

I was told I could go home
I should have wanted to
but there was a safeness
a safeness like me
security from outside

as I walked away
the weight of eyes
made me sink into a guilt
that I dare not look back
at ward 14