No

I don't love like that anymore.

like I'm expecting to find love at the bottom of a bottle of Jack. like I'm laying in bed with no intent of getting up, definitely in no mood to relax. drowning myself in these saline tears to escape the feeling of your touch or present being. like keeping an unwelcome stranger in your own home. I don't know. I just don't love like that anymore.

I love like reading a favorite book over and over again. close to forgetting its ending. nearest to its destination. discovering it all over again. love like that cigarette smile smoke seeping from lips, rainy mornings full of unchecked to-do lists. I love waking for the sunrise. I love how I've loved them once, yet inside slowly died. I've heard your name. and the hair on the back of my neck happened to rise.

remember all of those anxiety attacks and fits of frustration? remember bone breaking. fists clenching till it meets a face but black and blue doesn't erase. I don't love like that anymore. a continual questioning of my self worth, like being forced to confront your worst fears. it's not the same as swallowing worry when seeing your father after 5 years. somewhat similar to crying till it steals your breath or taking a cold shower. trying to feel like less of an entire mess. at least I do not accept love like this anymore.

I love like opening to the first page of a book. and finishing the last. I love just as the way the ocean turns its tides. reminds me how painfully I would write and write. reruns of pen and ink. the pages filled with my heart turning black and white. never stopped writing letters to those who don't love. I love all of this- but not in a lost blooming hatred and consuming way anymore, wholly, fully, with no regard for life as I know it. I love the pen running riot since words are wrapped in risk.

what I'm saying is loving isn't painful so much anymore. it doesn't stretch my heartstrings to a point of no return. even when out of tune with no intent of tuning out the tones of the deaf. loving feels situational. sometimes loving feels habitual, considering the context. loving is beginning to feel like sunsets.

at the end of the day, I wonder if sunsets feel all the loving I feel in a similar way. if love isn't the end of a bottle the end of the rope the end of it all anymore. then I love like I wish I could love how I have never loved before.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

stop the complaining
we get it- you're tired of fighting
but put on your gloves
cause this is round:

ONE

there are books that still need reading

the library
books endlessly checkout able
Holden Caulfield
man, J.D. Salinger
I tip my hat to you, what a ******
impressive novel

books that need their spines broken
for the first time
time spent highlighting pages
pages need turning

so you can move on
to the next chapter of
y o u r
story.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

so now it's round:

TWO

There are still sunsets
that need your approv // al
who else will gaze into an expanse
of the sky and watch
the sun say goodnight to the moon
and moon envelop the light
consuming darkness with stars all lit
across the universe

wishes will call for granting
granted that a shooting star
still must be accompanied by
a wish

make them, remember you've made it past round one.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

because it's round:

THREE

blankly collecting dust
just imagine all the canvases and notebooks
white is not a primary color.

fill in the blanks that need filling
because inside we all know
we're broken
undo the emotional glue and start gluing
piece together a mosaic or something

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

heaving breathing
heart is beating
consciousness receding

but just one more
prepare yourself for this is round:

FOUR

there will be words that are yours
words that need speaking and reading
words that spark imaginations
change opinions
or aid in healing

awareness for the beauty in sunsets and sunrises
artistic expression that calls for supplies and
it's ok not to always have everything

someones bound to have an extra pen or paper or something
Like this time impossible is not an option. There are no limitations

I know I've ****** up
I don't have much
no change in my wallet
but I'm sure i can borrow some from the universe or maybe even a stranger
I will not let down or give up

its hard to tally up all the fights
that have been fought
for each moment that WAS
and WAS not

like remember
"this is all we got."

**** It ALL
no- this is not done
no- this is not over
like remember
don't ever think

there is no force in your
punches and throws
you'll be back in the ring
know you'll always be fighting

so.
one more round we go.

Recently.
I've been trying
to stay grounded.

Accepting the challenge
for the pursuit of
self recovery

This way I can
increase my chances
reduce relapses,
and on my journey,

I look before me.
a mirror projecting
the flesh
the bone
but not presenting images of resiliency, determination,
self discovery

The Inner Me…

Cause’ Dear self,
dear visionary, dreamer, aspiring writer, undying fighter-
you are all these things.

and when it all becomes too much
and you want to let go,

Dear self-

I hope you know,
there’s hope you know.

So keep your head on your shoulders
pick up the pieces
that have been scattered around

Dear self,
remember to keep your feet
on the ground.

the world was born
from territories that had once
become stone

mapped out by
death and dying
a compass made
from bone

and settlers tilled
the land
till the world was born

it was here
that silence was formed
by the whole of the human word:
boundary

a polluted beauty
new land and water
that had once connected us
broke all unity

now rivers divide us
the hemisphere splits
cracks the earths surface like
soles of weary feet
upon an arid dessert

separated and pulled itself
apart every so slowly till
it ripped stripped and tore

this is when the world
was born.