When you love someone who is not there
Your mind will learn to create
Draw images of how everything should be
Erase ones that depict how it actually is
Eventually you will forget what is real
And what is make believe
You will convince yourself
That you are not forgotten
And that even though you haven't heard from him in days
He still thinks of you
You will tell yourself
That you are still wanted
Regardless of the fact that you barely want anything to do with yourself
You will somehow believe that someone else does
He will not tell you though
You have to remind yourself that he is too busy
Too involved even for a hello
You will have to remember
That his life never intended on having you be part of it
And that you
Will probably never be a part of it
You will constantly be reminded of every time you were promised future
And your wanting for it will become unbearable
You will lay awake at night like you always do
This time tasting of more than just alcohol and regret
You will swallow your own tongue wondering why fate never seems to be on your side
Thinking maybe you were never meant to love in the first place
That meeting him was a mistake
You should have known better anyway
To fall for a guy
With a heart already occupied
You know all too well
That there is not enough room in one for two
And you are the tenant with the most vacant body
Stop trying to fill yourself with things that don't exist
You will need to recall
Every single time you have built yourself up
Your expectations piling above you
Never anticipating the crash
You always seem to be staring blank eyed
When everything around you crumbles into disaster
You learn to pick up the pieces
And glue them into something decent enough to look at
Your mind is still painting pictures
On a canvas that will most likely never be tangible
And you will be reminded of it when you're laying in bed
And your hands grab for someone who is not there
When you love someone who is not there
You will spend every second of the day
Searching for them in crowded rooms
When in reality
You know
They weren't there to begin with
And they probably
Never will be.

I wonder
How it is possible
That I am able
To miss something
So terribly
That I
Have never had
That
Has never
Been mine.

It is time
To stop falling for people
Who don't have enough of their own
To catch you.

I've got a heart
Full of bad decisions.

I've got feelings
With poor intuitions

I've got pain
That could strike fear
In thunder in rain.

I've got a boat
All aboard my ship of sorrow,
I don't care if I sink tomorrow.  
I don't know where I'm sailing
Looks on course for a river of  failing.

Tears of solitude, sinking my boat.
Swallowed pride, lump in throat.

Scarlet moon, illuminate my soul.
Starlight paths, make me  whole.

oh my angels I see you  clip your wings and die.
Everything  they taught you  in school was naught but a lie.

Cry, cry, cry

Elusive
like the wind.
As gentle
as a summer breeze.
With patience and love
I surround her.
Her beauty
like the sun, the moon,
the deep blue sea.
And in her eyes
the mountains
of Tennessee.
She shares her beauty
with us, with me.
I give my love
to her, my Wendy
always and forever.

r ~ 7/5/14