the mug that you got me
it sits at the back of the cupboard
it still has my lipstick on it from the last time you were here

will you stay this time?
im tired of unwashed mugs

i thought you were my saving grace
a love story come back from the grave after 3 years of non-existance
soft skin and almond eyes
passion and expertise after finding ourselves
coffee in a french press and pancakes on the stove
laughter and stolen glances and 'remember whens' until 3 am
slowly reviving my soul
reminding me of how good men still exist

He made me nervous
And not the good kind
Not the kind that gives you butterflies in your tummy

It was the kind that makes you look for the closest exit
The closest sharp object
The closest thing that will help you to get away from him

This was the kind of feeling that makes you feel guilty
Absolutely disgusting
Terrified
Weak

The list goes on

This feeling makes you run through every single terrifying scenario in your head
Makes you think about the things this person could do to you if you gave him the opportunity

But the anxiety made me stay
Made me continue to carry out the conversation
Made me say things I didn't want to because I was too scared to tell the truth

This made the guilt grow bigger and bigger
And I felt that guilt for days

But, no matter how many times I replay conversations
Or the entirety of relationships
in my head
In the end
I ran
And I got out

That's all that matters

cream and sugar
always in my coffee
but ever since you left
i only drink my coffee black
i dont want to taste the sweetness of the sugar
or the smoothness of the cream

it reminds me too much of kissing you