I read a post today that said
'you can't heal in the same environment where you were hurt'
and now im terrified

that I wont be able to move on
and that I wont be able to ever be happy
and I am terrified

because im back home
and I am immersed in everything that is you
and I am terrified

that I am going to be stuck in the loop of continuously loving and hating you

I used to love the mornings
but now they remind me too much of waking up beside you
watching you squint as the sun hits your face when I adjust the blinds
listening to you laugh as I jump on the bed
asking what plans you have for the day
I would wait forever for you to get out of bed
so that we could start the day together

now I hate the mornings
waking up alone
again
and
again
and
again
while you wake up beside someone that isnt me

and I am so angry
that you took away my favourite part of the day
and turned it into a time that I no longer look forward to

feeling something other than emptiness inside of me
a calming hum resonating throughout the body
and for the few minutes that I inhale and exhale
im focusing on something
other than you

I cannot comprehend
how one day we can talk about everything
even something as simple as the weather

and the next
you're gone

I understand that death is inevitable

but I wasn't ready for you to leave yet
because I hadn't thought about what my life would be like without you

and to be completely honest it *****
its like learning how to walk all over again
it hurts so badly

and all that I want

is to talk about the weather

all I ever think about is you
I hate it
**** that
you dont deserve to take up all my time
I have more important things to think about

last night I stayed up later than I intended
just so I could talk to you
you almost made it through an entire conversation without lying to me
almost.
but then it happened
you said those three little words that mean nothing to you
but mean everything to me
just to make me stick around longer