you've let the demons in
but you know that's not
where they really live
give your mind some time
to find a line
for those demons
to go stand behind
because your talent and heart
hold too much to waste
and to allow the hands
of defeat
to cup your face
means you've awarded
the opposition with first place
when actually
you've already won the race

all I'd ever hear
is the same old chatter

not a pinch outside this redundant realm
of what is programmed into your cerebellum

how are you even remotely entertained?
by the same plain, tame conversation

day after week after month after year
so young but still I fear

to live a life that has been already
I need more

see I exist solely to reflect all light
no 9-5, no thought of a house-wife

with so many others fulfilling the norm
means a greater space is left to chart the unknown

nature to nurture
under these fluorescents
I grow thirsty
the carpet rubs my soles
the wrong way
the sun craves to look
into my eyes today
in my most pure & honest state
love is all I choose to intake
each and every inhale
I will not waste

the roots from which
I'd like to grow
no longer reliant on stunted malnourishment
nor the flick
of a tongue that spits
lie after lie
consumption as a vice
will **** you
self sabotage
is not welcome
in the space you crave
to call home

what seems so soft
can hit you heavy if you let it

and only through the unknown

will you freeze in its immensity
it, balanced
while you, unsteady

remain open
not hollow, but empty
allow space
to exist without you
within you

to the cemetery
let me feel what's been coddled
by you
while chewing on this atmosphere
i tend to ask what is real
far too often than i believe is beneficial
the glass is never as sweet
as my lips portray it to be
i'll kiss yours in times of want
and need
and now
divert from boredom and bottled
liquor
not needed

i'll lay down in between
the bed and notion of what runs through your head

within the spirits of
each soul warming,
love spilling being
in the form
of the only creature who could bring about
such pure ecstasy and terror

woman
is the land encompassing
her

each one pulsing with the waves
and crumbling with the pressure
we are these mountains
we find pathless pleasures
and canopied tremors
enticing all others
through winding woods and hidden beauty
unmatched in our power
our wild existence
this magic aligned with
the space between two limbs
to bear your first breath

speak to me
in ways no person could comprehend
these stark frozen caps stippled with pine
read my mind better
than any love has tried to
these elevations reach me
on a greater level than most
dare to dream of
these steep hills rise within me
as real as any emotion felt
these unharmed mountain pathways
heal my unarmed heart
these hushed yet
ever present winds
whisper harshly but never
attempt to sway the hermit
one way or another

the roots from which
i'd like to grow
now known for sure
no longer reliant on stunted malnourishment
or the flick of a tongue that spits lie after lie
consumption as a vice will **** you

surround my limbs
and each forecast trims
a little off the edges
in silhouettes these hills refresh
my memory of what lies within
linguistics never interested me
nearly as much as our earth
beneath bare feet

clouds hang today
as if suspended by
the strands of insanity below

grid systems we live by
scattered blue dots
an infection to the soil
a parasite feeding on its own decay

night can always be felt

by how heavy my heart
trudges through the left side of my body

by the lack of people
to connect to

by the amount of liquid numbness
******* my soul

by what type of loathing
my eyes decide to find focus on

by the levels of regret
raising like steam from my chest

resistance to change is consistent
with the unknown comes
the anxiety, the fear
imbedded in human nature
found at the corner of each turn yet
refused at each glance

I feel the whisky stains
on both of my cheeks sitting in 1B
he gave me my shot in a martini glass
apparently on Wednesdays at 10 am
people have better things to do
he figured I was afraid of heights
the irony of alcoholism

with the trillions of micro thoughts
and subconscious nonsense
realness sometimes squeezes through
mostly things like
tall grass in the wind
even at the center of a runway
will make me feel at home
more than anything else could
just for a fraction of a second
why can't that be enough?
for a fraction of a second
it is

I erase you
Over and over
Word after word
Then start again
Unhealthily
With the other end
Of the pencil
The only thing
I know I don't need
Is the only thing
I know I'll never leave
The only thing
I know I need
Is for the pencil
To run out of lead

he melodically sings (in)di(difference)stance
in every instant I attempt
to make him listen
while he knowingly stretches
all I have tried not to hope for
wires heat, then bend
& never are the same
again

when it comes to the point of not even wanting to consume but suddenly that liquid is a river

there is no escape when each day gains another loss

I want to ****** my heart in hand out the window, allow the force of wind to flow through each chamber and recycle the hurt into fresh air to see me through another day with him

for what

together we've mastered it

he, the artist of acting and
I, the priestess of pretending

the character who plays a part
of your own creation
pulled from the songs you sing
and the movies you've seen
no question now
an important role
in your imagination
appearing when applicable
ignorant of amicable
completely lacking
in empathetic means of relating
for an illusion will never be real

what the **** am I doing
and for how long
at what cost

stuck in all the unfulfilling
seeking the familiar under
every tombstone named "past"

if I met you now
I'd turn the **** around

a clouded aggression
a power
matching your fingers
stuck to my hips
reminiscent of disg(L)ust
what's the difference?

when you lick others
inside your head
the perfect dementia
of who you see unmarked
all ready for you
really the ones
who will never see you

keep me around
here is a fantasy
having absolutely nothing to do
with me

it's true
fall never came
warmth turned into death
long before you unlearned my name
there is no fault, only
the soft plea of forgiveness
ringing out through all the grudges
I am left with

there it goes, no
where,
we watch it go there, one
footed and half-hearted
a piece we liked
to think we'd never see again.
no, we don't need it, still
narrow minded, trailing
slow, breathing shallow
amphetamines
a substitute for blood
a glimpse appears vaguely, only
to be undone immediately

for all that used
to be leaves me
I turn to go each time
you leave me
still I stand like stone
believe me

freezing these moments
catching them as I saw you then  

I want you now

that sweetly stinging
presumptuous false outcome
I can feel it in my spit

your face has let me weep
for what I needed to learn
love was not in reach while
comfort remained at arms length

still I will not regret
our means of communicating
that I've never been moved by
though I understood your discomfort
I know I'll never have to embody it

"Renunciation is realizing that nostalgia for samsara is full of ****"*

-Trungpa Rinpoche

though you didn't think so
I knew what you meant
about not being able to fake
a friendship
or feeling
a complete lack of connection
in most interactions.
and when it isn't real
there is no desire to try
or pretend to enjoy
the company given.

so much less pressure
weathering it alone.

constant company,
to me anyways,
seems to mean insecurity
or a desperate need for attention
especially that of one
impacting on others negatively.

to reach,
or even begin to know,
your full potential
you must give time to yourself
with yourself
for yourself
and yourself alone.

falling back into
old ways of thinking
steadily
now, catching speed
returning
now, repeating
past habits
like saying, "I'm fine"
without blinking
haven't seen
anyone in awhile

relation between fade & gain
is much the same

it's change

a fear that leaving your name
with the leaves
will leave me to feel deranged

all is black
reflecting nothing vital

squeezing a sponge  
for the last drop
of its golden mold

I keep asking
so you'll tell me I already know

the dozing sky reflected
on the back of this winding serpent
though it is evening
i travel with lights off
there is a wetness,
a presence,
an iridescent indigo
it makes me cry
for so long i've been following it
away from home
to anywhere but

going slower now
glancing into lit windows
houses full of souls i'll never know
missing each one more than the next

heat lets you drip into the backdrop
without notice
and melt into thick liquid air
alone

coldness knows its importance
a nurturing slap in the face
a playful bite whispers,
"wake up"

layers can always be added
but you cannot take off your skin

swig some water
a wish comes to drown in a cup
that thick esophagus
has found an acquaintance
a burrowing burn is now at home
slow
persistent
a worm through a dirt hole

fine with fair weather friends
content as a loner
the donor of awkward moments

but at 3 in the morning
when thoughts carve tunnels
through my skull
all that is real is a feeling,
an urge
to ask him how he's been

like children playing
basking in all that is unspoken
like the magic of laughter
or a nightmares decay

watching our faces change
sculpting them like clay
our lip corners linger upward
a metaphoric embrace

endorphins rushing
filling us freely
euphoric bliss has found it's way

we eat we sleep we breathe

not mechanical
but biological

we grow we love we feel

we'd be wise to learn from trees

no self loathe
no flaws

if we look long enough
we're free - to understand & see
a reflection of ourselves

no longer filled with longing,
no longer safe,
no longer sacred,
is instead solely a barricade  
that we've created equally
made to keep our unscripted hearts at bay
getting better by the day
easier now to keep a distance
that puts arms length to shame

hearts can really dive with deep infatuation
caused half by admiration
the others unknown fascination
I'm trapped outside
while my insides are emancipated
is it possible to be alive
during reincarnation?

can you watch the sky?
I mean can you sit & give nature your time?
be still and listen
simply give her the patience she needs
instead of staying blind to life
scrambling for a screen to hide behind
too digitalized to care
if the moon is out tonight

below me he sang a song
I can no longer sing along
a lover no more
he wants to ignore my hovering
as do I
a flight of stairs separated us
now it's everything else
I almost wish I had made some mistake
or he had smashed my heart to obliteration
because knowing we no longer
acknowledge each other
for no known reason
is like trying to move out of my own heart

like snow come spring
so stubborn
remaining in place
resisting change
clinging to the surface
when all thats needed is time to breathe
trying to grow but the buds are frozen cold
waiting for a chance to bloom
true colors covered with monotone blues

I say plants dance with the wind
you say they struggle to stay still

I can tell you this isn't fear
it's the constant feeling
that I don't belong here
not in this time
not with these people

everyone going through the motions
except for the fact that they aren't

only I play these solemn charades

I cannot hold a conversation
for these conversations hold no weight

more than willing to not shy away
there is simply nothing natural
about living this way

each face glued to what rests on
the palm
the lap
the wall

rarely other faces

why does this feel like my downfall?

I cannot see
my crescent eyes
draw lazy hallucinations
in front of me
it is simple
to ****** the deranged
from bottle to bottle
culprits may range
yet still valiant
and never faltering
at falsifying what is sane

actually
not too sure of what's gotten into me
because you and I no longer speak
nor do we ever see each other
still
even though there is no longer "we"
even though her & him & he & she
keep telling me to leave you be
to not make contact to set you free...

it's a little sick
that I keep these notes from you
now serving me sick little lies
on imaginary platters
to remind myself that it was real
and more importantly, it mattered

stop assuming you know

what others think
what others feel
what others need

start understanding

what you think
what you feel
what you need

a mirror, if you must
sit not alone
but with yourself
until you face thy Self
otherwise
no one ever can
feel within
feel without
no other can then hand you doubt
to be mistaken as something
you think you need to keep