a wish
to live above the clouds with you

to love
to feel

with you the wind

each humbling howl
each growling hymn

with you within

don't be too surprised
if you come home to find
the liquor cabinet relinquished
empty bottle in my right hand
thinking it's my first drink
picked up a box of toxins
I'll keep inhaling 'til the room spins
it seems I'm not too keen on living
distilled & fermented liquids
bring out all of my indifference

it feels innate never relating
I follow you up the stairs
but we arrive at alternate lairs
your inner child throws tantrums
while mine cries in hiding places
that no one's ever destined to find

for not only words
but also for ways to show you I care
since my actions and intentions
remain detrimentally disconnected

a fleeting ripple in this vicious whirlpool
the liquid quickly relocates
all who dare to linger too long in its path
its wrath is relentless
never seizing for a needed breath
flows uncontrollably
until the day of death

too far ahead or left behind
it seems I can never keep the color
inside the lines
instead my colors bleed
right off the page
either staining the future - yet to be
or tainting the past - already made

is the trigger
a pill is the switch
you are the engineer
encapsulating power to control
which way it is flicked
rewiring nature
so chemicals
are now rendered necessary
to feel
and in their absence
you are only a spoke
without the wheel

ever since we met
grief cowers away with its
tail between its legs

words burst
with passionate honesty
all flowing
to the passenger seat
allowing them to sink down deep

footprints painted on your windshield
inevitably left a memory
at least physically,
if nothing more
and I'll remain grateful
for your impact on this world
is more than I could have ever hoped for

it is happening less and less
nights where I can't help but miss
you're irresistible indifference

darling, you're undeniably vile
in the way you knowingly slap
a sheepish smile onto my face

how dare you carelessly caress my neck
some futile attempt to ******
after you've duped me?

no

I see only a lonely puppeteer
dangling all his past lovers in view

you eagerly bit right into me
exposed all I meant to hide
with one bite

but then you took another
and another
again

I know that the skin
seduces the taste buds the most
but I can only hope
that at least one of your teeth
chipped on a piece of my core

Facebook is great
at keeping fake friends
taking choreographed photos
and rating how well people show off

invasive on all levels
yet no one seems to mind
share every detail
every lie
everyone knows where you are tonight

but you don't have the pictures
and that's what makes me miss you

pages of past happiness
taunt me
haunt me
into thinking you're sorry

but I know that you're not
and I know that you don't
have a single nice bone in your body

are these the biggest contradictories?
preaching to be free
while predicting to feel demeaned

foreseen scenes
where no other option
than depletion
will falsely make you feel complete

stay alive
for a feeling not yet felt
in the meantime prohibiting reality
with an induced sense of youth

continuing
until the word consequence
becomes solely a sequence of letters

let me be honest
I don't know how to feel
you took everything I thought was real
then placed it on your plate
for a meal

I guess you found my delusions appealing
and my sorrow sweet enough to eat
keep filling yourself with tasteless treats

maybe soon you'll choke on the truth
maybe you won't be able to breathe
so for a mere 10 seconds you'll experience
what I've been dealing with for years

he wished her distance
were further
when I tried to step back
he pulled me in closer
assured me
I shouldn't retract
my hands from his lower torso
because the way my touch felt
allowed us to pretend
we had entered some parallel reality
where he was rendered free
to move about me
however he pleased
and though I was teasing
I remained ready
to make him feel completely at ease

I choke on what I'm afraid to know
questions all stuck in neutral
left idling on my tongue
while smoke drives
right
out
your
mouth
I wish I could tag along

it was the super moon
but all that kept me swooned
was you
without asking me to stay the night
you finished your cigarette
on the deck
and left

usually
I'd trail behind your bare feet
back to your sheets
and be comforted
knowing your body was mine to feel

slowly you're making it clear
that maybe it never was

so I sat beneath that beaming moon
and figured I should get used to my shadow
keeping me company

days dangling
persisting mists keep paralysis
locked upon these lips
priority checklists insist
there is much more to live for than this

but a pack of 20 is gone long before
the night arrives
to heighten my hollow feining core
eagerly willing to endure more
if it brings an end to the internal war

then moved onto 100's
it's the percentage of how certain I am
that all corruption
is never ending

these invented coping methods
-lists of pros and cons with cigarettes-
are not getting me any closer
to blending
only extending
the mending process
of which I wish I was commencing

I bet instead
I'll keep pretending
that this demise is intended for me
still I know I'm only guessing
and growing further away from
social structure
that has been made,
but made to rupture

the things I would do
just to have a chance to renew
my emotional palette

if I could I would take the past
and create a masterpiece

full of shapes I'll never see again
all those blurred lines
and dark hues
that led me to
my permanent shade of blue

I'd hang it high up on the wall
and each time I pass I'd be sure
to see and not relive my past views

gradual buildup
of bull-****
now all I can see
is through it
and all I want to do
is ruin it
all the flawed accounts with fake people
I can't stand it
I can no longer contribute
to the scene of social media fiends
who do anything
simply to be seen

relinquish your dependence
wave goodbye to all delinquents
then find you become in sync
with everything you feel and think

1 a.m. and I'm in
2 deep because it's
3 strike outs and
4 the first time it's
5 times harder than I ever expected when

1 time it all seemed
2 good to be true hearing those
3 words that were
4 me and only me but
5 thousand times apparently loses luster, still I miss the

1 love that brought us
2 gether for those long
3 years going strong
4 each other but
5 months was much too long to wait without

1 last chance
2 make everything
3 hundred times better than ever be-
4 I now would have to drive
5 hours just to look you in the eyes instead of
6 minutes through the old neighborhood to
7 Valleywood Drive where we
8 tortellini in the rain and by
9 p.m. each night we've already forgot-
10 the demons of the day in each others arms

something about a face
with eyes of blue
makes it easy to assume
what the mouth says is true
calming color
quick to soothe you
but makes you blind
to what's consumed you

never have nor will I ever
know another woman
more certified than her
at alluring

makes no difference
if it is prey or play
I can assure you
she's magnetic
both positive and negative poles
have been perfected
to make it seem
like you're the opposite end

nowadays
there is no substance
aside from the ones I inhale
no core, no passion
pseudo-people have prevailed
no possible way to unveil
the food of truth has long gone stale

too much upkeep
all I dream of is sleep
these social standards
are temporary cancers
only dissipating
when I count sheep
days fleeting
without eating
still I'm always choking
on repeated scenes
only relying
on things that aid in dying
it is no way to live
being so set on ending
when I didn't even begin yet

it comes down to the forgotten fact
that we are all animals
simply mammals
acting as though our bones were made of chrome
our hearts were made of stone
and our homes were made of gold
instead
we are born with a soul
that needs nurturing to grow
never with a bar-code
we are not produced to be sold
how do we dare be so bold?
titling ourselves the smartest creatures ever to roam
in actuality we've become programmed weticos
all competing to fit the same unfulfilling molds
and to reach our conditioned goals
we spend our time
stabbing needles down the soft skin
of mother natures irreplaceable spine
repeatedly
allowing her to bleed out
slowly
over
and over
but while we all take turns
leaving our mark
we forget that we are her
all lost
in our purpose