When was the last time I was inspired to put pen to paper?
For the life of me I cannot remember...

Even now, my joints are dusty and stiff
How quickly they come alive, waking muscle memory from a deep slumber
the gears of my word bank shriek and scrap, begging for lubrication
I can feel the tension creep from my neck into my temples.

Words run the length of my nerves, miles of synapses, as millions of electrical messages are carried from the dank catacombs of my poetic cabinet.
They flow in the calm tide of my hand.
Hand to pen, pen to paper.

The seductive curves of each letter brings relief
The ink glides effortlessly from the pen
My hand remains suspended in time
With a release of "feel good" hormones in my brain,
for a moment, the fog dissipates.

My heart is leaping in my chest,
yearning to express itself in every way society prohibits

Thank you, poetry, for never abandoning me
Thank you for lying in wait

As I remove you from the damp, musty cabinet
I promise to allow you to make me whole again.
Please, stay with me.

Why are you concerned with having an original thought?
With 7.3 billion people in the world
you will share an idea with at least one other person

The only difference between you and the other person with the same thought
is the one person's ability to take the idea
and create something out of it

Start walking, start doing, start thinking
...and THEN...
Do them all, simultaneously.

You achieve something different,
when you put them all together.

The firm grip of reality
forces air from my lungs;
squeezes passion from my heart.

my heart: it's gone.
just when i thought i've healed myself,
you always find some way to pop-up, crop-up, show-up and be in my life, again.

i don't know you anymore
but your memory burns,
it's something i keep hidden to avoid ever having to face it.
it used to be so easy.

i will continue to make it so i never knew you.

How about a poem about certainty.
The certainty of uncertainty.

Where lovers and friends betray or stay.
Where family supports you and disappoints you.
Where work is great.

When your life plays out to its fullest potential;
every piece of the puzzle, good and bad, fits perfectly together;
and the picture becomes clearer every day: life is so uncertain.

Are you strong enough to face this challenge?
Day in and day out? Because there is beauty in uncertainty.

Slowly we must learn everything that was never taught;
our armor will grow thick, while,
steadily, the mistakes pile up, and,
eventually, the good will sort itself out

Day in and day out, the uncertainty becomes certain.
We were hardwired to survive in an inadaptable world
Allow the insecurities to be masked by the brave and the bold;
Express your fears and challenge them

Do not lose yourself, do not give in to certainty
Life is a lingering note: ringing out
Precious are the days, limited are the years
Uncertainty is ever certain

How can I miss what I don’t love?
You hardly leave my mind
I am left in awe of

You, with the demanding presence, it’s true
I remember a time when jealousy grew.

Always watching you from afar
But never do I hear from you, my morning lark.

A few moments frozen in time
Have given me this false sense of sublime
Sadly, so many would hold them to a shrine.

Observers in the distance
Know nothing of this,
My empty soul and weakening persistence.

Unfitting, this battle grows old
My springs fade to winter
And your heart proves too cold

Too cold, to even harbor a beacon of hope
Baggage carried at an inclined *****.

It goes against the grain
To throw it all away
More damage would only cause more pain.

Why do you jest at old wounds
And play yourself a sad little tune
When it is you that buries us in this solid tomb?

It is now, that the lights are out
We have learned to shield our hearts
But I’m still here, going about

Picking up the pieces
A shame to use these
Folly, weakening adhesives.

My only wish is for you to let me be
You have performed no sisterly duty

I continue to stand in the middle
Yearning to be set free.

Heartbreak is

that feeling when your heart sends copious amounts of blood rushing through your body. It floods you, and leaves you feeling warm. Your heart is racing, your brain is pounding, your extremities go numb, your mouth becomes slightly dry, and your eyes grow wide. And, almost instantaneously, your body grows still, quiet, and then, cold.

It's

that stiffness in your limbs. They were once reliable, but now useless. As your brain circles out of the daze, you're left facing this unfathomably distressing situation and you can't even take command of your body.

It's

the yearning for the stillness of your reality to speed-up. You would **** to have the sand in the dial glide fluidly through the passage of concavity, at a faster rate. But the grains become too big and too thick for the slenderness of the glass; they stick together, dam the passage, and clog time.

It's

all of that, and much more.

I awoke with a fright
Forcing these feelings aside, brushing the images from my mind's eye
but the harder I try, the longer they linger

I'm paralyzed under these sheets
Every shadow in this room invites new nightmares

My fibers have been completely undone and my heart aches
A snowball effect of emotions continues to build in my swollen heart; gross, agonizing pain

The colossus amount of shame, regret, fear, embarrassment and cowardice brings me crashing down
Down, into nothingness
The complete elimination of skin, bones and soul

i think it's perfectly OK from time-to-time to think about those very meaningful and important people who were once a part of your life.

this is my moment:
maybe i feel burdened with the memory of you, you were indeed a terrific person. but, i beat myself up over "losing" you.
did i lose you? or did you leave me?
whatever the reason is, i can't help but feel full of myself and think that maybe i'm the victim. maybe i lost you because i was not good enough. i don't want to be good enough for you, now. but how good would that feel if i could be the ideal girl you once loved?
i was horribly young and immature to think that you were just another guy i could use to make myself feel important.
maybe i'm still immature: here i am thinking you might still love me and that you still want to be with me. how silly of me to think about me, me, me. when did i ever give a crap about you.
the answer is: always. you were a great person, not just in hindsight, but from the start. i knew i was lucky, but i also knew i wanted everyone else's love. and because i fought to have everyone else's love i got sidetracked from your "true" love.

and yet, could it be possible that i don't want you? -- maybe i only feel regret? i carry this gargantuan regret, harborded deep in the catacombs of my mind. it looms in the cortex patiently waiting to be remembered. perhaps my biggest challenge is not to remember you and feel sadness or lose, regret or pain. maybe a day will come when i look back  and feel wonder, peace, and special that i had the chance to be with you and you with me. that we existed in a moment where we loved one another even though we didn't know what love meant. we existed, momentarily, in perfect happiness. there, we could hold on to fairy tales and unrealistic dreams of growing old together. we didn't know ourselves well enough to be ready for petty challenges. at least it felt like we could exist like that: frozen in time slowly falling like a grain of sand in an alluring hour glass.
but, i want to put you away. i want to move on with my love life, and enjoy this wonderful boy who's in my life, right now.
i don't want to think about you when i close my eyes and kiss him. i don't want to think about you when i'm with him. and i don't want to compare. because, it's not fair.

<<In this narrative you didn't see me.>>

I saw you today.
Your arm.
Your backwards baseball cap.
Your sunglasses.
Your mouth.
Your truck.

I swear, my heart faltered.
In those 5 long seconds,
I hit a brick wall, and fell
through the universe of my being.
I drowned in a water
so crystal clear and malleable.

The shape of my memories,
real and imagined,
took form.
They played out an alternative reality
one where we both compliment each other
like the Yin and Yang
el sufrimiento y La Virgen
Barack and Michelle.

The story unraveled
and told a beautiful fairytale:
Our progressive life
beyond the comprehension of most
and desired by all;
we supported each other and cherished each other
grew with one another and rested together.
We were woke to the sufferings of all,
competent and confident in our roles to empower and uplift;
never vain, yet every mistake was accepted humbly.
We emitted light, for ourselves, for each other.
We laughed. Hugged. Existed.

I smiled.

As the mili-seconds creep into the 5th second,
I grab my own wrist,
yank myself through a wormhole,
and re-exist in the spot from where I can see you.
My heart begins to flutter.

Green light.

I race forward.
<<Here I am>>, ahead of you.
While I enjoy the smooth pace of my life, where are you?
Behind me?
Or did you turn?
<<How I wish my object permanence was broken.
I don't want to understand you, anymore.>>
Suddenly, you charge ahead, and leave me in the dust.
I miss the chance to signal to you.
I miss the chance to catch you.

<<One more chance.>>
I whisper, to the void.
We pass each other, <<Here it is.>>

Nothing.

As you go left, I stay straight
The perfect metaphor of our lives.

I'm ridden with emotions,
too many to sort through.
I give myself over to my guides,
and in that brief moment of clarity,
I see how unrequited this love is.

I change the dialogue.

<<My goals and my dreams require attention.
My passion and my heart require understanding.
My love and my time is special.>>

You exist. I exist.
Separated by periods, occasionally connected with commas.
You, and I.
No more, no less.
My heart flutters.

I am here, in this precious moment.
Intently, fall the grains of sand of time.
I am here, I am now.
My heart flutters.

When I read books or watch the way couples are with each other, especially those who have strong tensions and "unhealthy" co-dependencies,  I can't help but think "I know you didn't mean it".

I love being able to blame the fact that we were so young and we didn't know any better. It makes me feel better about my relationship now. Before my love was unrequited but this boy just waited, patiently, for 3 months. And we grew, and we changed, in good ways, and now I see him in a better light.

Don't get me wrong. I won't be with him past August, but now I know what a healthy relationship is. I know what unconditional support means. In my darkest hours he stood beside me. In our most confusing nights, we stayed awake together and talked. When he needed me to listen instead of being like a mother, I learned how to do it. Because we love each other.

But we could never have done that...with full, unwavering, pure, good intentions....Not because we didn't love each other, we very much did, but we didn't know how to do that then. I didn't know how to do that then.

“I’m fine”

Words uttered too often with the falsest of truths.
I build myself up, just to come tumbling down.
"I'll be fine"
A mantra that works when I’m not vulnerable.
But lately my wounds are so raw, the simplest jest makes them bleed.

This air is so thick, it’s so stale and so raw
The humidity makes everything stick
And no matter how many times I try
I can't seem to let you go

Care free times have turned into dysfunctional moments
When did good memories fill me with happiness?

An epiphany blooms in the abyss of my mind:
Our lives cross paths frequently
But you will never be mine

My Romeo, I am no longer your Juliet
That ship has sailed, and my heart and life with it
And now every meeting and every word uttered between us
Is intolerable

For now I see you are a disease
A growing colossus of dread, earthed deep in my chest
Suckling and breeding in my heart
You desperately cling on to the loose fibers of my soul
And while things fall apart I quickly try to stitch it back together

Stop hurting me
Help me get over you
Because every speck of hope you plant in me makes it harder
To turn and stay away
I’m begging you to leave.

Hardly a scratch
Yet somehow already attached.
I dread the dark and hollow night,
Where nightmares creep before morning light.
Smooth, trickling rain
Stings like acid in my brain.
Scared and alone,
I’m so used to being on my own.
Enchants me a song sung far away
I cannot hear the words, but I know what they say.
Familiarity is at a loss, but what I do know
Hangs softly on distant hills, where I must go.
For I am a slender moon
Too sharp to touch too soon.
So thin, a moving film is time and space
Lost under stars we find eternity and our place.
Desire a lover, but fear to lose a friend
I cannot but only anticipate the end.

Toss a stone on the hopscotch game
hoping to land on the right square.
For so long I've pined and wished for that special someone
And what stared back was only an endless road of limitless possibilities.
Did each square lead me closer to you?

I gazed in your direction,
but never caught your eye.
I breathe your smile and laughter,
I quake in your kindness and understanding;
Would you ever think of me this way, too?

I played along this pebbled ridden road,
I reasoned that my youth was the cause of my suffering.
My mind is trapped in chaos: ambition and goals, battling against desires and vices.
This young body and young heart shackles me
A vast universe exists within me.

Hidden beneath the youthful skin and wandering eyes
lives a person, a girl, becoming ever so slowly a woman.
A girl whose mind sees beyond her years, and yet
she still has a long way to go to balance her feelings.

An older man, guided by his own intuitions.
A man, still in many ways a boy.
Too coy to admit to feelings.
No shame, no insecurity to admit to mistakes, only apathy.

Boy-ish behavior isolates you from men.
A passionate spark now a swirling veil of smoke
Where your life kept you rooted,
mine lead me across seas and into many worlds.

We were drawn parallel to one another.
Our lips and skin touched, but our paths did not merge.
My pebble ridden road has one less stone.
And as we reached a fork in our respective roads:
we chose our own destinies.

I'm lying here
Chills every time I think of you
But these thoughts of you
They’re like your hands
Pushing down on my chest
Down, slowly down into this water

I'm lying here
Imagining those fire lit eyes, woah
Out of breath, and asking myself
‘Why do I do this?’
Because you weigh heavy
Heavy on my chest
Down, slowly down into this water

I want to run out of my mind
Shed this skin
And **** these thoughts
I'd love to hate you
Because imagining you is embarrassing
When will I have had enough?

Am I reasoning with logic?
When I tell myself it’s only natural
Natural for me to fantasize
About a made up time and place
Because the reality is:
This pressure is real
This water is thick
And this imagined pain hurts
And, still, I come back for more

I'm lying here
And I can't erase you out of my memory
I'm pushing myself under
Under the water
Down, slowly down

it’s been a while
it’s been even longer since i’ve thought of you
since i’ve thought of us
and this is the first time i’ve realized my own strength

i will not condemn you by listing everything you did wrong against me because,
this is the first realization:
i am beautiful, i am strong, and i am lucky

i was lost in a dark and lonely space
but i yearned and fought to free myself
tears, memories and self-doubt will no longer shackle me
i've picked myself up off the floor, i've made tough choices
i've taken the highroad, i've paved difficult paths
and i've walked this tunnel

and here i am at the end.
my world is burning brighter than i could have imagined.
today: i begin a new chapter in my life.

Some things can not possibly exist in our materialistic world.

They only exist on the map in our minds.

And no matter how hard we wish them into existence, or attempt to give them a physical form, they can neither nor willingly come to life.

Since we talked, I've only shed two tears.
Once, before I kissed you.
And, the second, while I was kissing you.

I told you I was anticipating our end, but you were silent.
I whispered to you my fear, but you were silent.
I explained how it felt like you didn't care, but you were silent.
I understand that you don't like talking about these things, and you remained silent.

But I also said that I am the kind of person who will always say what she's feeling, will always admit her fears, who will take the time to explain what her heart is saying, and she will continue to understand if you can't do the same.

But, my eyes feel heavy.
As if the storm has yet to come.
They hold so many emotions, and so far I've only shown you two.