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May 2018 · 94
PARSNIPS DIED
Alan Maguire May 2018
Last week my cat parsnips died. he got run over by a garbage truck. people say that cats have nine lives but parsnips musta had only had one.maybe if he was all black he woulda survived. I cried and I cried but mom and dad told me to shut my trap .parsnips is gone but one day I will see him again. I wish that I got run over by the garbage truck then I wouldn’t be alone
May 2018 · 97
PARSNIPS
Alan Maguire May 2018
My cat parsnips has one eye I don’t know why
Mommy says cos he probly  got into a fight with a dog
Daddies friends hate parsnips one time they came to our house with their dog.His name is gobells. gobells wanted to eat parsnips but parsnips is clever and ran up a tree and didn’t come down for a week . one time parsnips had no food so I gave him some left over pizza .I like left over pizza. parsnips loves left over pizza. me and him are best friends
May 2018 · 259
FISH CHILD
Alan Maguire May 2018
Fish Child make a wish Child upon a falling pig.he's got short fluffy fur and comes from the starry south
and like a wild Bolivian boar has a truffle sniffing snout

He's got six golden trotters
and possesses a squiggly tale
relishes red meat and guzzles down all American ale

he answers to the name Burrito's and he grumple's in his sleep
and he often dreams of visiting the Earths deepest deep.
So, Fish Child make a wish Child upon a falling pig
Sep 2017 · 135
Amanda Mustang
Alan Maguire Sep 2017
Red balloon: Amanda Mustang

Amanda Mustang : yes red balloon

Rb: are you left handed ?

Am: I don’t think so red balloon

Rb: why not ?

Am: why not why red balloon ?

Rb: well, how come your not sure ?

Am: well I only use my right hand mostly

Rb: but you do use your left one too

Am: yes, but not as much

Rb: then I declare that you  
Amanda Mustang is both left and right handed

Am: ambidextrous red balloon

Rb: ambiwhich ? Amanda Mustang

Am: ambidextrous means using both your left and right hands

Rb: then you are ambidextrous Amanda Mustang

Am: not really red balloon, both hands must be as good as each other

Rb then I will ask each hand Amanda Mustang

Am: don’t be silly red balloon.
for hands and feet and ears cannot speak, they simply are not alive

Rb: but you are alive Amanda Mustang, you began talking the day I imagined you.The other balloons say that you are not real, but I know you exist. Maybe from your point of view I’m made up and the other Amanda Mustangs would say “stop talking to that balloon Amanda Mustang, for balloons and teddy’s and cats cannot speak and balloons and teddy’s and cats are not real”

AM: I’m sorry red balloon

Rb: why so Amanda Mustang ?

Am: well for doubting your existence and I apologize to you too both left and right hands

L and R H: That’s okay Amanda Mustang, we forgive you
Nov 2016 · 339
THE ARTISTE
Alan Maguire Nov 2016
He's a an artiste and one wise *******
he cares about somethings but doesn't care about the rest

can you blame him though, can you honestly ******* blame him ?
the world was his oyster but it gave him salmonella, it gave him an upset soul too, the **** thing almost corrupted him

he doesn't go out anymore now ,  he doesn't have to, he doesn't need to
he gets his groceries delivered from the nearest supermarket
he cuts his own hair and does his own dentistry
but he's a better dentist than barber

he bribes the roaches with Japanese whiskey and animal crackers
for fallout survival skills and he prays to the mouse God for forgiveness
Jul 2016 · 242
WOODEN BOX
Alan Maguire Jul 2016
Lock up war in a wooden box and punch no holes in it's lid, throw in tyranny, trauma, fear, money, misery and the politicians but don't forget the soldiers. But what about the women and children who stand idly by should we put them in too ? How about the East ?, how about the West ?, how about the whole god ****** world ?. So we'll put the whole wide world into a wooden box and we'll punch no holes in it's lid
my friend commissioned  a poem using the  Irish words  for war and lock which is cogadh (war) and Glas (lock) and this is the result . I don't speak the language though
Mar 2013 · 956
THE LAST NIGHT POEM
Alan Maguire Mar 2013
Twas the last night of the earth
When I begged upon a star
not wished, hoped or imagined
but I begged like a pauper
crawling on my hands and knees,
whimpering like a dog

I begged for time itself to rewind
I begged for mercy
I begged for peace
and I begged for God or whomever
to give this race one more chance
one last shot to redeem itself

Twas the last night of the earth
when I beheld the blinding light
and as I held my darling tight
I kissed her
then I wished her
"Happy New Years Baby "
Mar 2013 · 1.2k
CROWS
Alan Maguire Mar 2013
She hung simple things from the bare apple tree, things like mirrors, ribbons, bells and bird feeders, things to attract the robins and the finches. But then the crows came scaring the robins and finches away, this annoyed her, this drove her to the verge of insanity.

She had an idea though , a terrible one, but an idea. She decided to hang strips of bacon from the tree , bacon laced with poisons, all sorts of poisons , poisons for rats , for weeds , even the type fit for human consumption. Poisons to make them sick, poisons to make the ******* fall from the tree.But crows are much, more intelligent than the average human ,the crows watched the fat lady, observing her murderous ways.  

But only the finches and the robins fed from the flesh that dangled from the naked apple tree , only the finches and robins fell to the ground, only the finches and the robins died a horrible dragged out death.This pushed her over the edge , now she just sits and squawks to her self day in and day out, hiding from the flock of crows.
Mar 2013 · 5.9k
Animal Alphabet
Alan Maguire Mar 2013
A is for Adam the Aardvark and his band the African Ants
B is for Broderick the bumble bee who thinks they are pants

C is for a cynical cat named Crusoe
While D is for Darwin the delightful deer
E is for Eric the elephant who always drinks my beer
F is for Fernando the Fox but in Spain he known as  Zorro
He lost his wife Matilda last week and is now brimming with sorrow
G is for Gerald and yes he is a Giraffe
He wore odd socks last Tuesday and made Heinrich the Hyena laugh
Imelda is an Iguana and she is quite immense, though she is really old but has unstoppable sense.
Jack the Jackal has a regular name but he is an assassin and has a pretty good aim
K is for Kimberly who happens to be a kangaroo but she doesn't live in the outback anymore because she lives in London Zoo

Laramie the Llama lives south of the United states , he loves hiking in the mountains but one thing he hates, is being mixed up with Arnie the Alpaca.

Monty the Moose loves drinking maple syrup and playing ice hockey,
yes he is a stereotype but I am his Jockey
Nero the Narwhal is the unicorn of the deep, he loves scaring sailors and loves to sleep
Olive the Orangutan is a neighbour of Kimberly the kangaroo
but they have a plan to escape from London Zoo.

Pug is a Pig , just a regular pig, but he wishes to be ferocious and really big
Quentin is a quail and buddies with Pug, he likes eating sunflower seeds but never a slug
Ramon the Rhinoceros also dwells in the Zoo and is part of the escape plan with The red ape and kangaroo , he'll actually be the one to bust them out,
but to get his attention you really must shout.

Sylvia slithers, Sylvia is sleek if you were a mouse and saw her, you'd go EEK!
Terence T. Tiger is terrified, because he was asked to escape from the Zoo,
yes with the Red ape , Rhino and Kangaroo.

Ulysses is a horse who super glued a horn to his fore-head , he wanted to be the last known Unicorn because he heard that they were all dead. Vincent is a Bat, just a Vampire Bat,
he doesn't really like blood but is enemies with Crusoe the Cat.

Warren the wolf has many female fans but spends half the day with Eric the Elephant drinking my cans .Xenops is not an alien , it's just a rain forest bird, I'll give you more info as soon as I've heard
Y is for Yul and I don't mean the bald actor , this Yul is a yak but does watch the X factor
Z is for a Zebra named Zak and yes he does know the Yul the Yak , they were introduced by a certain kangaroo, and now it's their job to visit London Zoo
Mar 2013 · 991
UNCHARITABLE
Alan Maguire Mar 2013
The bleeding hearts were on the street again begging on behalf of some man in Vietnam who sits in his hut day in and day out staring at the four walls, while his wife and child draw water from a well five miles away and I ask these ladies, is yet man a christian?, why yes they reply and is your God all knowing, all seeing and graced with omnipotence, why yes mister they cackle.

Then I says  he can look after this man in Vietnam, his wife and **** child, but mister they said  their voices laden with shock, you too are a child of god and it is your duty to help these poor people.Sorry ladies I said , I so ain't naive, so I left them and their pleas. I don't feel guilty nor do I sympathize for  this man in Vietnam who sits in his hut starting at the four walks day in and dayout, while his wife and child draw water from a well five miles away.
Mar 2013 · 599
BEING THERE
Alan Maguire Mar 2013
The homeless of Japan exist and are sometimes seen
but usually, we look right through them as if they're not there

I've seen them push their shopping carts through the streets of Kyoto
I've seen them eat at Mc Donald's and I assume that they crap and puke and read the news

Bu they don't quite exist do they?
not in our worlds anyway
So I suppose, that makes them, the Ghosts of Japan
Mar 2013 · 871
Lost Weekend
Alan Maguire Mar 2013
Nacarat swastikas drawn on eggshell blue washed paper
some half chewed crayons.

At least the box says that they're non-toxic
she watched the history channel all weekend long and like most kids her interest peaked then waned, spiraling and spiraling like a Messerschmitt BF- 109, it's tail spewing smoke

Adolf and Eva no longer held her attention and no longer romanticized her vision, then, she took off her rose tinted heart shaped glasses and ran outside to the sunshine
Feb 2013 · 491
Perversion
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
Imagine if God were Satan
and all of the angels in heaven were the servants of hell

and say, if he sent his only son to save us from sorrow
but we did not listen and we did not care

we just lashed him with thorny whips
and with barberous lips we kissed him
Feb 2013 · 2.8k
EGG
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
EGG
Life for me began as an egg,  it wasn't really a special egg, just a regular egg shape with some green splotches .So, you were just like the Platypus and the Echidna ?. Exactly like the Echidna and Platypus .Well not quite exactly, those creature are mammals,
I'm more like a lizard, I'm actually part dinosuar.

My mother is a dinosuar like creature known as a Dinosapien, But I'm more human than she was. I'm about 60 percent human , though I do posses Lizard organs , My eyes are ,
My heart and lungs are, So is my ******, my appetite and my tongue

I can taste the air, Just like the snake . Em, but dinosaurs don't do that

How dya know ?, Well because of science and Jurassic park
Yah, I'm sure their both official sources, any way, so how come were having this conversation ?, well that's the one thing about dinosaurs , they were notorious for having one sided conversations with themselves, ya mean they were bonkers ?, no not crazy and once they left the nest ,were pretty much losers, I mean loners.

What about mating?, Well they had wieners ya know, no, not that and what about female dinosaurs ?, well the females didn't care , they just wanted a male for about 3 minutes, if he was lucky maybe 3 and a half, the males were more concerned about ****** contact with the ladies. So, I guess there was a lot of dudes ******* each other then ?
em, I think this conversation is over now
Feb 2013 · 1.4k
HUNTING OF THE SHARK
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
The hunting of the shark was an annual excursion,
It was a Rite of passage ceremony for thirteen year old boys.

30 of us left that early June morning,
the skies were cloudless, the waters calm.
But only 17 of us returned, 17 of us witnessed
our friends being mauled by tiger sharks,
they rammed our small fishing boats.
17 of us will never forget that day

We went without harpoon or gun ,
we went with just some home made knives,
fresh water and sheer nerve.
We returned with no shark ,
we returned with just the wounded and the brave.

Life abandoned the 13,
we abandoned the 13 (we had to)
but, will they always be boys ?
Feb 2013 · 263
My definition of a poem
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
just words
just raw beautiful thoughts
sprinkled on a page
Feb 2013 · 860
THE SUICIDE NOTE
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
I encountered your spiritless body swaying gently
as your dangling tiptoes longed to reach the tips of the dandelions

I found tacked to the tree, the christian leaflet with the sellotape crucifix that asked
HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ? , then saying WELL, HE'S FOUND YOU and your Vermillion lipstick scribbling on the reversed side.

Poor you, I could imagine you frantically searching for the sticky notes
( they were on top of the refridgerator Irene)

Poor you, I could visualize you searching for a pencil, realizing that they needed to be sharpened  (you coulda used my Swiss army knife Irene, it was in the rusting tackle box in the garage, sure it was covered in dried fish guts, but you coulda cleaned it)

Poor you, I could picture you finding the pen depleted of it's precious writing fluid, then exploding it's flimsy frame, beneath a lone rabid pink bunny assassin

WELL **** YOU IRENE, **** YOU FOR LEAVING ME
Feb 2013 · 681
Cigarettes
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
Write about cigarettes
write about rain
write about apologies
even about pain

sharp pain, dull pain,
even pain that seems like it'll never fade
write about Bela Lugosi or even Sam *****

Mention Bukowski and his drinking years,
squeeze in humanity and it's endless fears

you can say that Einstein was Irish
Tell people that you married Marilyn Monroe
and scribble down a eulogy about Miss Jane Doe

Poems can be about anything
and believe it or not they discover us

Use pens  pencils or chalk
and you're even allowed to cuss
Feb 2013 · 1.4k
THE TIME TRAVELLER
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
Stark naked frame standing in her own feces but does it matter ?, I mean, is she important ? the old woman with the thin white hair that grows down to her ***

She's gnawing on a thought, gnawing on raw knuckles
knuckles bleed recieveing no care, just staring, just staring

She moves like the undead toward the female nurse, moving with time as though it mattered

she recieves a cigarette, she recieves a trickling smile though, the cigarette will surely burn longer than she will
Feb 2013 · 435
THE BRIGHT YELLOW
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
The bright yellow hummed as it hurt my eyes.
I wanted to hurt that hot, obese *******
but then the thought of those men,
those ancient men who spilt blood in it's honour,
kept me from shaking my fist and roaring .

Who am I to curse the sun?, who am I but a lonely loser criticizing
the world and it's problems,
just hoping for change but doing nothing about it.

We're the makers of our own destiny and problems,
we need problems , we seek problems ,
problems seem to identify the species known as man.
Without problems we'd all be a bunch of faceless,
nameless ghosts wandering the earth for eternity.
We'd never be remembered, we'd never be traumatized,
romanticized or even criticized.
Feb 2013 · 505
REVOLVER
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
A revolver is my favourite choice of gun. it is also daddies favourite. he likes it because it has a revolving chamber which means you don’t have to reload as much .

Clint Eastwood is daddy’s hero, Clint Eastwood usually plays cowboys or cops .daddy hates the cops, the cops hate daddy they are always coming to our house looking for daddy. But sometimes they never find him because he hides beneath the house sometimes .

mom always screams at the cops, she calls them pigs and very bad names which I’m not suppose to say. daddies friends also come to our house ,they drink beer and play poker,

they swear and shout at mommy. mommy calls them good for nuthin scumbags. daddy and his friends like to talk about a man who started world war 2, his name is Adolf, he lives in Germany.

daddy and his friends wish he won the war .my favorite thing is to go to my room and hide beneath my covers and wish I was some where else .

I hate my mommy and daddy they always beat each other sometimes they beat me and tell me to go to bed without any supper this happens a lot I wish I had a new family.
Feb 2013 · 588
JELLIED THINGS, THEY IS
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
what about food for thought and food for your belly, how about some raspberry jelly, or jelly fish that come from tropical seas, captured by the Japanese and are ten feet in diameter, not the Japanese but the gloopy seas creature .

That are kinda pink or red but taste really good and go with vanilla ice cream but be careful with these gloopy jellied things , they stings, I mean, they sting , so don't bite or chomp or chew but slice them up with a blade made outta a reinforced steel , but they feel pain and memories and all sorts of things, so they are not just things that are dragged from the depths, for us to poke or **** or ridicule on facebook or youtube

how'd you feel if tomorrow we was invaded by raspberry flavoured jellied creatures that came from the fifth and fourth dimension, did I mention that they're here to abduct us, to **** and poke us with weird instruments, but not musical ones but frightful ones, long ones , ones we've never heard of , but they have heard of us the raspberried creatures that is

from the fourth and fifth and possibly sixth dimension but I forgot to mention it's our own fault , our own frugal fault, that they've come in huge ,hovering , harbingered things, that hover above us without any wings, yes without wings and to these gelatinous, gluttonous things we are just things  to be dispatched, devoured and digested within one working week, with one ******* gulp we'd go down their sleek gullets or whatever they have
Feb 2013 · 599
Squeakers
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
Mom , what's so wrong about being friends with mice

Well junior honey, they're small ,  they're sneaky and not very nice, they terrify grown ups and they resemble rats, but most of all, because we are cats.we were domesticated by the Pharaohs to keep mice at bay

But mom, my rodent friend is okay

junior , you must despise all mice, they laugh at us when we turn our backs, then toilet in the rice. It's not natural for a mouse to be your friend , think of the message that it would send. Your poor father would be ashamed and the other cats would call us a disgrace, we may even be banished from the feline race.

But the human kids are allowed to keep mice

But junior ,that relationship is fake, those mice are being fattened to feed the pet snake

Okay mom, I promise to hate all mice, I'm sorry squeakers, I hope you taste nice
Feb 2013 · 430
EDEN
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
She was one of those people who saw the earth, not as an Eden but believed that it worked mechanically and without any emotion. Money didn't make it spin neither , no oil or grease too, but we did, we do, us mortal beings in our mortal cars, houses and lives.

"Politicians are greasy, just here for themselves" she'd often cry out after a few and the world is just a man made sphere, her prison and  inevitable tomb But if she were to personify the earth, it wouldn't be a Greek Goddess named Gaia, nor would it be a source of life and fertility. Nope. It would be masculine , would be named Bruce and he'd be impotent.
Feb 2013 · 3.4k
POLAR BEAR POET
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
I should have said no
But maybe it was fear
Or maybe the fact
that he's a Polar bear

He's got polar bear attitude
with polar bear teeth
And stands ten foot tall  
on his polar bear feet

He's the Killer King of the polar bear tribe
And he fully demanded, that I must subscribe

Subscribe to his annual magazine full of poems
edited by his famous brother, Jackson Holmes

Jackson is the one with artistic skill
While King Romero takes pleasure in the ****

He's threatened to devour people,
and haunted their dreams

then fed off of their, blood curdling,
Gruesome screams

But The magazine ain't so bad
And costs just eight bucks
But between you and me
It's written by some imprisoned ducks
Feb 2013 · 735
William Shakespeare
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
The longest word in the English language
Is also the shortest, stupidest and most solid word.
it was Invented in 1500 and something by a young William Shakespeare
He actually discovered  it on the back of a packet of chewin' tobacco.
Somewhere amidst the indigenous ingredients

So , the ****** actually plagiarized
the world's most funkiest,
fearsome word

Claimed it as his own work
Copyrighted it
And made a **** load of money
Made a truck load too
Yes I know, trucks didn't exist in his Era

But ****** did
Male ones
****, uneducated, unnerving ones
Ones from the back alleys of nowhere
who dressed as ladies then as guys
But their disguise was hideously, horrible
I mean, 'ideously  'orrible
No "H's " for those fine, fortunate, fellows
And I will be criticised for my use of the english language
But, that language is a mongrel
A mangy, malnourished mutt, named Fritz
total nonsense that may be true
Feb 2013 · 515
Moppet
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
She was a treasured cat
She was my cat

One eye blue
One eye green

She was a white cat
She was a deaf cat

And to let her know it was mealtime,
we'd bang on the wooden floor
she was actually the cat of my friend's mother, when she was a kid
Feb 2013 · 715
HONEY
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
She often called me ***, but she wasn't saying,
that I was a descendant of Atilla's .*** was short for honey, but lemme tell you, I was not her honey and she was not my bee .I wanted to be her honey but she called everybody *** or honey. But I only want to be the only honey and for her to be, the only bee
Feb 2013 · 1.2k
MY WORDS
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
Are my words turds ?
basically, do they stink ?
but sometimes I convince myself
and actually think

Think that they are grand,
great and gigantic
and even more awesome,
than that ocean called the Atlantic

But maybe, they're just steaming piles
of disgusting dog ****
floating in bowls of ***** dog soup

Eaten by gargoyles, goblins and grinches
and ludicrous birds known as blue berry finches

So, if you finish my book
then well ****** done

You truly are heroic
and should be crowned
Emperor of the fifth Golden Sun

You should receive ten million dollars
and the keys to un-discovered cities
be loved by mythical beasts
and fluffy white kitties

I hope you shall live for one million years
and be taught the language
used by prehistoric grizzly bears

You should be allowed to time travel
with that famous movie car
because you Sir or Madam
are truly a star
Feb 2013 · 1.4k
IS LOVE PSYCHOLOGICAL ?
Alan Maguire Feb 2013
Her words stabbed me,
her shivery frosted words,
gouged my  eyes out,
scooped them out with the grace of
an armless ***** on steroids and
spilled my guts on the ground.

Then she left me to die in the desert of forgottenness.Where the scavengers stripped me to the bone
and the sun bleached moon, gazed upon my essence then drank deep and loud.

My mind is now vulcanized.
my mind has been treated with sulfur to enhance it's durability.
So, you can stretch it,
and say what you want baby
cos I don't give a ****.

— The End —