I never planned to drop out of high school
but I never planned on wanting to **** myself either
so that’s just how it goes

And now I’m in college a year early
and I’m watching everyone around me getting into
serious relationships and having babies
and actually graduating with full scholarships to real universities
and moving in together like real grown people starting real lives

and here I am still missing you
still going to counseling every week
and failing my second semester worse than the first

here I am having to consider if going to a
mental hospital for 6 months is really the only thing ive got left

my mother says when I get out I could really start my life
you know, have real relationships
and not do drugs or have promiscuous ***
but what does she really even know about that

am I about to find out why the caged bird sings?

I turn eighteen in a little over 7 months
and I really don’t want to spend the time leading up to that
having a prescribed time to eat
and take my medication
and when to go to sleep

this isn’t how life is supposed to be

people say it isn’t easy
but killing yourself is seen as cowardly

well, we didn’t even have a choice of whether we wanted life or not
we were just put here because we won the race

so don’t talk to me about cowardice

i don't really write much poetry anymore
i guess sometimes you have to ignore the bad things
and be happy
and all my happy poetry comes out ******....
....i don't really write much poetry anymore.

I mouth mother’s lullaby
to a skateboard.

my brother moans
into what he believes
was kept
from my sister.

we underdose
in a gutted place.

we take our foreheads
to women
like fevers
to god’s washcloth.

The shadows of love become the ghosts of the past
Found only in the smells trapped between your sheets
Friendships fade into nothingness leaving so little trace
You can hardly believe they were real
Times do change and people grow up
But every so often, someone gets left behind
Cigarette after cigarette just biding their time
Until they can again find meaning in life

When your heart turns cold you slowly fall apart and your life unfolds
You can't understand how I behave? Just wait till your soul turns old
Sometimes I feel my hearts about to freeze, spreading through my body
Eating away at every part like a ruthless feeling disease
A baby's cry means nothing and loneliness is a routine friend
You spend your days wondering would anybody care if they end
When your heart grows cold you turn to smoke because your hope's destroyed
Can't do things you once enjoyed, hurt and love become things to avoid
Walls that were down now stand firm and tall fueled by the burn of alcohol
Safe from hate, love, pain and joy until you feel nothing at all
When your heart turns cold death seems tranquil, a dead corpse is trivial
Over the course you lose the will to stop, even if you get killed
Sleeping is never pleasant, and that's if you even sleep at all
Who can you call when your heart turns cold? And who would care if you fall?
You forget ideals, turning of reason so the product gets sold
You don't understand how I behave? Just wait till your heart turns cold!

I remember the times when she'd say
"let's die together one day"
I would pay to have seen my face
at the moment before I turned to run away
it is funny to me how time can bring on change
now, I would love for a woman
to look at me with that type of faith
and it not feel foreign or fake

love can take on many shapes
it could be a window
it could be the shade
it could be the sweetest of sleep
it could be the thoughts that keep you awake

walking through that alley with my head held high.
you never saw those pain behind that concrete soul.
Just saw my decayed side.
all fears sealed.
flared out in the dark.
You never knew
What was under that concrete.
That chain.
Unlike us,
We made it with love and faith together.
Unlike your rented heart,
I had mine.
but burnt.
Gone on a jet plane .
EXPECTING.
Cause i never knew the house we bought together would be sold off,
never knew those glitters would be blown off.
hope, trust, love, faith
DESTROYED.
Maybe the world i lived in before was full of beautiful tales.
Beautiful tales that i want to read for the last time.

The lights and sounds
serenade my wine-soaked heart.

Never let this stop.
Please don't take it away
from me.