i never want to sleep again
i need to be awake experiencing everything
even if my only experiences are staring at the ceiling at 4am
waiting for replies, i never close my eyes

i never want to make friends again
everyone just throws me away
the cold night exists only in my room
my posters smile at me
they're all i have today

my dream death is being surrounded by wild flowers as my vision slowly fades
gazing at a pale blue sky, two caring fawns by my side
waiting for me to die

they have stems in their mouths and a warm protective glow
they bless me with petals, leaves and fairies and they want me to know that my body will be safe here with them

i softly grasp dandelions to erase the horrible touch of the bad people from before
i can no longer see and i know it must be time
all the peaceful memories flashing inside my closed eyes
i see a hazy light and i can’t quite believe it’s him

i knew you didn’t disappear! i knew you would wait for me
his wide smile welcomes me to a place where no one will harm me
we can finally hug

we’ll watch everyone together now
singing sweetly as the sun goes down

being abandoned by my family left a void in me
i always forget that it lingers
but every kind man i meet reminds me that it’s there

sitting beside the taxidermy man and his fluffy dog i noticed that the void grew
they were alone too, and as i sat silent on the grass i wished we could join together
his lonely heart bore flowers unlike mine
he was like someone from a mystical farm
and his smile was warm and kind

in another life him and my mum would have fell in love
and we’d tour the world with him and his creations
but he’s vanished with the dust now, another destroyed daydream

i wonder what my grandma is like
did she wear pretty dresses when she was younger?
was she a kind friend, daughter, lover?
her heart clearly isn’t pure otherwise i wouldn’t have been left all alone
so i don’t care what she did
any hope i had has grown cold

do i have any sisters or brothers?
if i do, were they left too?
i bet they weren’t because i’m sure i have a curse
a fist held to my face at birth, if only i knew what was to come
of course everything would get worse

and i’m mortified that i look like him
being alive feels like a sin

today was a good day
even though the sky was a horrible white and the wind was in my face as i rode my bike
the awkward 'sorry's and smiles as i passed people on the street made today a good day
i wondered where they could be going or if my smile might have made them just half as happy as theirs made me
i rode over the bumpy grey cobbles that once might have annoyed me
but today i greeted them with joy and hope
i noticed too that the branches are just beginning to regain their leaves and that alone today planted a small happiness in me

on this dismal day, somehow i found the strength to breathe

i came back to the graveyard for three days
just so i could sit by the same tree and listen to your soft voice

no one will find me here, i’m guarded by leaves and the quiet sounds of who used to be
i try not to flinch when i feel the bugs crawl on my hands
i know they will engulf me one day
maybe here, or somewhere else
but i hope it’s here

maybe another lost soul will find my hiding place
after i am gone
and hear the faint whispers of your sweet songs merged with my cries
and wonder who we once were

crying hopelessly by the beach
before i truly knew what sadness felt like
you rest your head on my shoulder when we got home and i didn’t move an inch in that dimly lit room

trying not to breathe, i felt like the keeper of your sleep
how sweet it was to have someone like me

in the morning we gardened as a family
throwing the ball for our dog, running inside and outside not minding too much about the sharp stones underneath our bare feet
for once i was a part of something, a mismatched family one day to fall apart

but we didn’t know that yet as we walked through the graveyard -
pink skies overhead guarding the dead
we walked our dog through here again and again
down through the emerald forest,
collecting twigs and flying on rope swings and through the enchanting trees we would soar
as we walked on towards the sea what would we have thought
if one of us just said ‘in the end we won’t have this anymore’

i couldn’t remember the last time i cried
but now i find myself crying all the time

lying stagnant on somebody elses bed
in the dark because another friend is dead
a green light piercing my eyes
the walls are swaying and the ceiling is breathing

i don’t want to die
but i feel so alone in this world

black hair and waterfalls of tears - i promise it will get better from here
you'll learn to find new paths, branches and leaves, by yourself
in the winding green forests that you both used to call home

one day there will be a small glimpse of purpose even if it's only making it until the next day
and the next day, and the next, though your body is weary, your mind is blank and  your heart is heavy and grey

it won't always be this way.

the moon will look like more of a friend rather than only a horrible day's bittersweet end
you'll be more than just the person that always walks behind, never knowing the right words to say and holding in the urge to cry

there'll be a reason to get out of bed, a small calmness that allows you to sleep,
a shred of acceptance for your own soul

i promise that you don't need another person to make you feel whole

as i fall asleep, i want to cry, for i felt a part of something tonight
my guts weren't aching and i didn't feel myself wanting to leave the room
i wasn't yearning
i wasn't waiting for something to go wrong

for one day i didn't feel like i was sinking into the ground, i sat at the table and i let myself laugh so loud
i felt a part of the earth spinning, flowers blooming and morning birds singing, i didn't dread going to sleep because i wanted to be awake as long as time would let me
it didn't feel like nobody needed me - it felt like i could finally be free

and although i lay in my bed terrified of time, i want every part of me to remember tonight
standing under the void of a sky blowing cold air as if it was smoke
the bliss of not wondering if i was embarrassing
the comforting touch of the winter air's sting
i will my all to have hope from this

2018 was the worst year of my life and i would never ever go back there
not even to retrieve the pretty lace bows i used to tie in my hair

i wonder if they’re in a field some place
i only have scraps of them now
tied to the ends of my cotton bag, memories lingering behind me wherever i walk
they might be torn up in a gutter
and that thought is better than seeing them sway beside my head in the wind

i want to forget the side of the road
a crashed bus, a dead friend and only a ‘aw angel’ to show
i stared at the icicles that he would never see again
fragile and disappearing, like his prescence in the air
while a hollow face stared back at me waiting for me to stop crying

i want to forget everyone who hurt me
i’ll tear up the list if it will make me feel better
the scraps of paper can form dresses for fairies
i’ll send them back in time

they’ll delicately fly around my days, removing my face
i don’t have to remember anything anymore
i don’t have to remember the dulling ache of months spent inside my bedroom
and what happened on his floor

take away my underweight body that wilted in the summer heat
torturous rays bursting through my window
fly away with me

erase the things i haven’t told a soul

i wasn’t there i wasn’t there
i was never there

i used to stare up at the beams of light shimmering through the clouds as i looked out of the car window
my mum would say it was heaven
and i always used to believe her

now i’m no longer a child and i’m only awfully scared of death
i’m terrified that there will be nothing to float upwards to after i take my last breath
after many moments gazing up at the sky thinking there would be lakes and angels
i can now only see the clouds for what they really are

i can see frogs and dragons and hearts in them
but i’m scared that beyond there isn’t a heaven

my heart is racing as i feel tears upon my nose
i'm too scared to even ask if i can open a window
my mind is aching in this small, freezing room
i'm left silent and ill
waiting for my cue

i wonder what is causing the scary images in my small mind
they're certainly nothing pretty or interesting
but they feel real to me

quiet and still, i wish not to be noticed
frail and damaged, i sit hoping
but i'm at the front of my class, where everyone can see me
i can't hide my badly dyed hair
but i can hide my dreams

in a calming field of cat tails, we lay down upon the soil
a secret circle kept hidden - no one will ever find us

my hair spilled into the stems like twirling ivy while you rest gently beside me
i saw the magic in the clear sky, it was still, as if the world was no longer spinning
everything stopped and we would stay here forever
holding hands and hiding together

i never thought i was deserving of love but i only ever feel safe when you touch me
your blue eyes against the sky and my fingers in your hair
i never thought someone would ever care

i wish to stay here
with the cat tails and the soft breeze
a heart shaped hole in the middle of a field

it almost didn’t seem real

please come up to bed soon
i’m all alone with just a glimpse of the moon

flickers of hope twirling dimly in front of my tired eyes
fading so quickly, i try to hang on to them but they fly away
i can’t join in conversations when i feel like this
lying stagnant in bed isn’t where i want to be
but i’d feel much safer with you next to me

we’ll stare at the star that lingers wherever we go
watching over us like the night we first met
we pointed up at it and it followed us again and again

weaving our way through time, it always keeps us safe from the night sky

a van passed me on a silent street
i quickened my pace so it would match my heartbeat
the only other thing i seemed to do was tightly squeeze my phone
as if that would help me when i'm scared and alone

i started to scream in my head
i told it to 'go away' as i wished for the road to be quiet again
but i secretly wished for it to take me away
as i didn't want to go home that day

it will soon be the last day that i look out of my favourite window
the window i turned to at night
when i had no one else but the streetlights

i watched at 4am as nothingness happened
the dim lights made me feel less lonely
i’d watch cats roam through held back tears
wondering where they would go
tip toeing under the orange glows

i used to associate drinking with a small, white house
biting my lips as they became numb
i would saunter into the bright kitchen that i used to view as my second home - but this place is gone now

where i used to see flashes of black hair as i faded away into a dreamland
i now only know that sweet drink as loneliness and despair
spilling into me when i’m at my most vulnerable and clinging to my cringing tastebuds
it attaches itself onto situations that i don’t want to address, silently building up as it makes me think of myself as less than what i am

alcohol is now the boy i used to look up to, dancing next to me in a strobe lit room - his hands aching with bad intentions
the awful taste rests painfully upon my lips and it will forever stay there as i pause in random days, remembering his confident stare
wine is now the slow tug on my sleeping body as somebody much older than me disturbs me with a repulsive kiss in a room full of people - then blaming it on pills

the nights where i would dance in the small, white house with the girl i trusted the most have now been replaced with horrible memories that i once thought i would be able to handle
the sparkle of the walls i used to be so familiar with were washed away with the blank walls that i stare so intently at every night, wishing i could go to sleep

i often wonder if this is how things were meant to be for me.
i’m only so forgiving because i don’t want to be lonely
such a sweet drink now tastes bitter and evil, and there is no going back
to the house where i laughed
and when i felt okay

she wanders through the forest - black ribbon emerging from every scratch on her body

she has never felt more at peace with the trees and the leaves, even though they resent her every time she comes out at night. they would cut her whenever she tried to touch them longing for a sense of company - go away

death sings through their fibres as she gets closer to you, harmonies echoing round her tainted head

and then she sees you. you’re only visible to her. she waves goodbye to the soil, worms and birds as she steps into the invisible portal - she will never ever go back to where she came from

tears stream down her bloodied cheeks… you promised her you’d both go to the lake by your house tomorrow but it can never happen now. the water will gaze upon something less ugly, less evil

hand in hand, you lay down in the bed of wild flowers that welcome you with open arms and loving whispers - they say everything is going to be okay but neither of you are sure…
she’s crying all over the petals but you can’t utter a word of reassurance

‘i’m so weak’ you repeat in your head
the flowers are joining together now, all over your bodies. it’s a comforting feeling for somebody so tarnished yet you accept it... you’ll soon no longer be corrupt

her face is covered now and she’s completely silent - the sky is deep red but it’s peaceful

you both take your last breath as your hands loosen from around eachother

then you were gone

their stems will shy in the other direction
as if a magnetic force is pulling them into hell
all at their own free will

the fairies will go and tell their friends to lock their doors tonight
closing up the curtains with fear in their small eyes
they won’t sleep tonight
cradling their wings

the moon will hide behind the dark clouds, not daring to ever peep out, at least until the sun is ready
and everything is pitch black

curious eyes will peep through the leaves but only for a second
watching distressed fairies only makes them want to close their eyes
they will forever hide away from the scary light

and i don’t want to die anymore
but i guess i can’t save all of these things
i’ll just pray that the fairies will wake up tomorrow

soft talking in the night alley and the lingering wind on our cold knees
that is how everything always has been - bitter air and exposed legs will always guard the concrete

gleaming eyes and the prettiest of smiles haunt the rooms of this pretty place, wondering around the uneven paths with drunken grins and lustful hands
they pass the walls that hold memories of sadness and happiness
not stopping to even take a look, some of those events will never be spoken about again

the comforting fairy lights that used to line the brick walls are all gone now, but they still glow in the pictures that i will forever keep, illuminating the memory of when i was first blinded by them
the tiny bulbs radiate through my phone, screaming at me how innocent things used to be
i look back at them blankly, as in the foreground of the pictures is the place where i first met somebody that would eventually cause me a lot of sadness
it was a rainy and cold night, as i stood around a puddle with two friends that would eventually fade away from me in time

last year, in this place, i would never have cowered behind a van, hoping my tears would merge with the cold rain so i wouldn’t have to feel alone this way
i would only freeze as i was mesmerised by the people i would look at, aspiring to be better at guitar like them all
i would smile in photos and i would leave happily without a single smudge underneath my eager eyes

this place is the keeper of elaborate paintings, that would one day be used as a distraction by the kind girl who wipes away my tears
‘which one is your favourite?’ she would say, wiping away my mascara smears
this place holds old fashioned TV’s, lit up with ‘merch’ on the screen
this place means everything to me

i now stand alone with a pretty girl i’ve just met
we are gazing up in awe and she tells me how the sky will never look exactly the same as it does now
staring up every half an hour, it gradually gets darker
she reassures me that i’m okay as my jaw shivers uncontrollably, making my aching teeth collide
she’s telling me the things that are good about me, as our voices echo into the fading night
but she is also suffering, as she spills out all her troubles that are similar to my own
and most of the people around us

sitting on the swings in pitch black, our eyes lighting up at the occasional firework
we’re here early and you hold my hand though we’ve barely taken a sip
the trees are watching over us
gently as i begin to fall in love with you

flames twirl into the sky and the faces of our friends silhouette against the burning spirals
he tells me to kiss you when we get home
he says he knows exactly what you’re thinking and i believe him

we run away into the night dancing to distant music, people making hearts with glowing wands
all my tears are all gone
the sparklers are burning out any sadness i had left inside me

i’m no longer full of self hate for tonight
all my mind knows now is your soft hands and the pretty lights

i hope you never realise who i am

the air is as it was when we first met
freezing and brisk, the wind always exposing my cold face
i listen to the songs i listened to last year when i would take the bus to your house and it’s as if i was suddenly underneath the old sky
magical and new and feeling so excited to see you
but i carry on walking as the old bus passes by

i never wanted you to see me with my hair blowing crazily in the breeze
i wished to stay in the dark forever, where i was nothing but a shadow of myself
a silhouette to love, all my flaws hidden away
when the sun came up i’d be so ashamed of my face

but i’m better now and i couldn’t have done it without you
walking in the cold air feels so eerie because i’m reminded of our old selves
but it’s enchanting too and i’m so confused

i don’t think it could feel like anything else

i don’t want to be here anymore
i don’t even want there to be an afterlife - i just want to die
laying underneath my fairy net with a horrible feeling of heaviness
i don’t have enough pills to die and i don’t want to feel any pain
all i can do is just not move
until i’m too tired to stay awake thinking about it
my stepdad’s downstairs so i could go to my mum
i’ll wait a few hours to see if he comes
i don’t have the willpower to write in my diary anymore
i don’t have the strength to sing or draw
i want to be gone and i don’t want to be remembered
i don’t think i will feel different when i wake up

we could show each other the songs we like
underneath an everlasting sky
holding hands while we fall asleep

i'll sing you a stupid song as we overlook the ever looming fog
i won't get nervous when you look at me

i'll spend an eternity with you, my ever blooming blue, we'll drift through the evergreens when everyone's asleep
like two lost ghosts who only in each other have a home
we'll never again have to be alone

pale wings and soft hands, invisible and blushing

i wish you were real

my body aches and tingles, my mind only spirals
everyone would be happier if i was no longer here
i want to run away into the dark trees
but i would only come running back confused
because i don't belong anywhere

it's nearly a year since you died and i'm sorry i couldn't have saved you
but i'm so scared that the same thing will happen to me too
you were curled up in my dream the night you died
crouched under a shelter with your knees to your chest - your head was buried down
you were never in my dream before

i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared and i don't know what to do
but if i have to die i hope that i'll see you
maybe there's nothing afterwards anyway...
is nothing at all better than all my bad days?

we held hands through a darkness of evil eyes and as soon as we made it to the door we were free - floating through the street and down to your side door, the place where we imagined the ghost

we saw the man through the cracks of the hinges, he spoke a lot about demons but he sounded like one himself…
gold teeth and dressed in all black, he merged with the floor like he was possessed just to scare the cat

your tears were the rain that day and your bunny was our saving grace
under the covers to feel okay if it means everyone else just goes away